Don't know how to get him to stop, but it is controlling, and abusive (calling a spade a spade here). Hurting feelings is emotional abuse, plain and simple. Put your foot down and stop it now or they'll grow to hate him (I know that from experience)

Vickey-MN

I agree with Vickey. His teasing is totally self-serving. Having fun with your kids is one thing, having fun at your kids' expense is quite another.

Good luck.

Jamie

Yes, these are my fears exactly! They already say "don't tell Daddy!" about anything they think might bring on teasing, and of course, I don't tell because I want them to be able to confide in me. They come to me with EVERYTHING for exactly the reasons outlined above. Although I have pointed it out to him again and again, he just doesn't see it. According to him, we're all just 'over sensitive' (duh - hello? we're talking 8 & 12 year old girls here... sensitive is what they DO!) Well, I'm just plugging along, trying to do my best here, but it really gets my goat sometimes. Lately, when they run away crying, I make HIM go up and apologize to them, and that seems to cut down on it. He does NOT like to have to say sorry to them, but he will do it if he's painted into a corner. Thanks for all the advice, it's exactly what I was thinking, or maybe, afraid to think. Anyone else out there have ideas on how to handle this?

Yes, your husband needs to CUT IT OUT!! I agree with the above poster that this is abusive behavior. He is teaching his daughters that he is NOT to be trusted, NOT to be confided in, NOT to be taken seriously... He sounds awfully controlling and manipulative. Please find a way to make him quit and get your daughters in counseling to help them see it is HIM and not THEM!!!

GOOD LUCK to you, you sound like you need it!

~P

I agree with Sadie. While growing up my stepdad did this, just poking, prodding and teasing constantly - and I think I grew up to be insecure and defensive as a result. By this time I hope you were able to work something out. Young girls at that age need encouragement and praise to foster self-confidence.

Since talking to him privately hasn't helped, I think I'd go a step further. When you hear him teasing your daughters, step in and talk to your husband right in front of them. Tell him that this is what you've been talking about. And tell your daughters - right in front of him - that this is unacceptable behaviour and that they have a right to be hurt or angry or sad or whatever.

Your daughters need to see you stand up to him and for them.

Hi..I've never posted here before but I need some help.
I'm 13 years old and I have the normal teenage girl problems. School, friends, boys, etc..
My dad has always teased me. Whether it's something little like something I like or something big like my weight (I'm a bit on the overweight side).
I hate it when he teases me and he knows I do. Most of the time I end up fuming or crying. He says I need to lighten up.
He also knows that I have alot of self-esteem problems and see myself in a dim light. I can't talk to him about anything important anymore. I've even told my mom and step mom not to tell him things because he'll tease me.
Recently he found out 2 things. a) I have a boyfriend. b) I've been exploring as most teens do.
He teases me constantly and gets angry when I'm upset.
Just today he teased that he would blog on myspace about it.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I've had a psychiatrist and psychologist. I've been to counselors and even told/shown him how much it upsets me. I don't have anywhere left to turn. Please help!

My parents teased me relentlessly about boys when I was a young girl. I remember finally telling them that when I did get a boy friend they would be the last to know. When I did, they were. Tell your hubby that these girls can't shut him down with the teasing but they will in other areas of their lives.

He is a bully and teasing to the point of making someone cry is something a father should guard his kids against not impose upon them.

i had an uncle that like to tease. for instance he would make a game of catching the kids when they jumped off of a high porch, but when my sis jumped to him he would just let her hit the ground. my sis asked mom why she let her brother hurt her. i don't know if mom answered her or not. he never hurt me physically, just like to embarrass me.

Hello Maria

I think you should say to your father

"when you say that to me it upsets me, can you please not say that "

Perhaps if you did this a few times, he might get the message.

I know it is difficult to stand up for yourself but sometimes we need to take a big breath and just be brave and say it !

Good luck with it all.

It is good you talk to your Mum and step mother.

I dunno...I'd be incined to say, "You know, what you are doing is bullying. Does it make you feel good to be able to bully a 14 year old girl?"

I think it may have something to do with the differences in communication between men and women. From what I have gleaned, boys go through a period in their development during which they mercilessly tease each other to steel themselves against an emotional reaction (i.e., crying). It may be that your husband, on some level, believes he is doing the right thing by teasing in order to toughen his daughters. However, girls are not boys and unless he stops and sincerely apologizes for his actions, he will lose his daughters trust (as evidenced above) and may also make it difficult (or perhaps impossible) for his daughters to trust men, in general.

Maria, what have the psychologists and counselors told you? Have they given you any coping skills/tools?

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your dad isn't very mature and your mom and stepmom aren't protecting you. You can't change any one of them, you can only work with what you have been given. Do you have any other male role models in your family you can turn to? Also, if you are 13, can you legally start choosing to refuse visitation if you live with your mom?

Hello, I have a teasing Dad too.
It has gotten very bad lately as my baby sister has arrived :)
He is my stepdad and I am not used to teasing much because I have lived with my mum, but he knows I am sensitive but does it anyway. I have asked him to stop, but he doesn't, then if I cry he tells me off. I have cried myself to sleep several times, and I'm not even I teenager. I love him very much, but I feel so sad that sometimes I don't want to go home and I don't want that to happen. I can't stand up to him and my Mum tires, but I can't tell her what I feel just in case they fight and she gets upset. He is a bit bossy and a bully and expects me to act very grown up.
Please help me.

If the children don't like it, it is abuse. They can't protect themselves from him, that is your job. You may have to choose between him and your kids.

I was the youngest of 3 girls in my family. My family always used to tease me. It happened alot and sometimes it would be when my parents had the family or friends over. I think they thought it was entertaining. The worse was at Christmas, I would be so happy ..then someone would turn to me and say, I think Santa left one last present. Mom would say, its out on the back porch. Wrapped in Tin foil it was. I was so excited to open but a bit weary. To my mortification, it was a raw turkey neck. I received that present several years in a row. One year we went to My Uncles house for a Christmas visit and of course they handed my sisters their gifts but when it came to me, It was a shoe box wrapped in tin foil. I immediatly began to cry. My Aunt coaxed me into opening it..and i did slowly. She filled it with cupcakes and cookies and inside was also the same shaped box my sisters received. It wasnt til recently that I realized My sweet Aunt, tried to undo my previous holidays. It wasnt just my Christmas present..it was everytime I was free and happily playing that someone would do something to bruise whatever confidence I had.
I grew up a scared child, always fearing the unknown.I dont have many friends. Maybe one true friend..I am very hard to get to know. I dont do well in social situations. I think I grew up always waiting for the other shoe to drop and I cant break the cycle. Please Dont tease your children for a laugh at their expense. You are shaping their personalities!

jenny07,

I always grew up waiting for the other shoe to drop too--it is an ad continum in my life and it is how I feel about most people given their selfish bent. Like you, I also was the youngest of 3 girls in my family. I've had people tell me that I'm hard to get to know, although I would describe these people as narcissists, endless self-promoters and self-talkers. I think these people just want to talk all about themselves. I'm don't consider myself quiet or hard to get to know around people who sincerely desire to get to know me, instead of taking every opportunity to incessantly talk all about themselves and their opinions or who just ask nosy, instrusive questions with a shallow and superficial focus and that is no incentive to get to know them either, but to run in the other direction.

I don't consider myself hard to get to know, although I will say that I'm very discerning to who I reveal myself too. I think that is self-protecting and healthy, given the types of selfish, destructive people that I've encountered. None of these people ever take an ounce of responsibility for anything, instead they state that they didn't intend too. They don't apologize or take responsibility for anything period.

The teasing that you describe happens in families filled with anger and hostility and teasing is a more socially acceptable way of demonstrating that, especially from people who deny their anger or who try to treat you as a receptacle for all their disowned emotions. I think your family did that to you. Forget about these people ever taking an ounce of responsibility for how it felt to you--that just will not happen. If they feel bad about it they will twist it into all about them and how they are imperfect and how they didn't mean too. That is their way to feel better about it and how they will rationalize their ugly behaviors. Those responses may have a grain of truth to them, but if you really look at that focus, once again it is all about them. They cannot relate to anything that you feel, in any, way, shape or form.

I agree with you--no one should tease or laugh at their children at their expense or even other people's children--jus the same people do this all the time. A good many of these people are so unaware and oblivious and they may not behave this way to their own children, but will do so to others or actively search for other scapegoats and people to project their inappropriate and disowned emotions on.

If you take a look around in your every day encounters with others and also on the internet you will find a lot of people who respond in rageful, hateful ways towards others. They want everyone to understand them and to relate to them, but they cannot relate to you. I've encountered that here in this forum as well--people so focused on their own anger and rage and getting their needs met at the constant expense of other people.

I hope you will find other people that you will feel emotionally safe with. I think it quite rare to find people who are not excessively selfish and thoughtless. Take care of yourself!

I'm glad you felt encouraged to speak out. I hope you will find people that desire to know you.

i've noticed my brother-in-law doing the same thing to my niece. i shouldn't be surprised; he bullies everyone (including his wife). when i try to say something to my sister about it, she says that everyone needs to just toughen up because he's just joking. at 6-years-old, my niece has already told me she "has the worst parents in the world".

Jenny07', The teasing that you describe happens in families filled with anger and hostility and teasing is a more socially acceptable way of demonstrating that, especially from people who deny their anger or who try to treat you as a receptacle for all their disowned emotions."

I agree. If someone perceives himself or herself as the victim of teasing and experiences the teasing as unpleasant, then it is considered as hurtful. If the other person continues to "tease" after being asked to stop, then it is a form or bullying or abuse.

Parents who abuse their children under the guise of 'teasing' deserve to rot in an old age home alone.

Jenny07 I know how you feel! Ever since I was 8 or ao, (4 years now) my dad has "teased" My sister and I to the point where we once had to walk out of his house. My sister even refused to go to his house for a while and he knows we hate it but never apologizes and continues to do it yourself this day

Teasing is so passive aggressive. I hate it.

My current husband teases my daughter ((she's not his biological)) every chance he gets where she's constantly saying stop. Here and there is one thing but now he's getting mad at her for saying stop with a whine. This is making her cry over and over now cuz he just doesn't stop. The way I see it is that it's now become bullying. Even threatened to destroy her toys if she doesn't stop reacting to the way he speaks to her. Talking to my husband turns into a huge argument now. Tells me everyone should feel sorry for her now since he's so mean to her. I'm at my wits end and don't know what else to do. He treats his biological kids so differently from her and she's only 7

I think that all of you with this problem should sit these men down and have them read all this. It can't hurt.