I agree with Popi's post. Our relationships with our adult daughters is quite a dance. We have so much loving advice to give them, and we want so much to help them all we can. Sometimes it's easy to forget that our daughters need to feel free and confident to find their own way and make their own mistakes. I'm assuming your daughter is a good mother. If so, then think about what you're saying in your post. We have advised her of keeping her daughter warm arriving in 17 degree weather with no jacket or hat .She started saying I'm just going to the car but all we wanted was to keep her daughter warm. Each time any thing that is said to her about taking care of her daughter she gets very defensive and angry which makes us feel incompetitent. Probably you are making her feel incompetent as well. You say, "each time anything that is said to her about taking care of her daughter", but are you considering that each time you are telling her she isn't taking care of her daughter the *correct* way, you're telling her she's incompetent to make that decision? I told her you make me feel like a irreresponsible teenager. Probably she feels the same way - that you make her feel like an irresponsible teenager. When your husband calls her husband lazy, he's basically calling your daughter incompetent to choose a husband. And of course she's going to tell her husband what her dad says. You mentioned in your post that you are overprotective. I think most mothers would sympathize with you about being overprotective. Our daughters are so precious, and we love them so much and want to protect them as we raise them in safety and love. I think a lot of us, if not most of us, could be called overprotective. I was raised by overprotective parents. If you were an overprotective mother, it's quite possible the dynamic you've set up all these years between you and your daughter has a lot of bearing on how she relates to you. Some of us daughters of overprotective parents have our adult boundaries set in stone. Mine are. My daughter and I had a rocky road together during her teenage years. One thing I did was to take her to lunch once a week at a place she liked. That was our "safe" place. There in that place I bit my tongue off. We talked about what she wanted to talk about. I tried not to give advice or criticism or ask questions about anything she didn't want to talk about. Sometimes when a relationship gets rocky, it helps to have some healing time when you just enjoy each others' company. The other advice I would give is to try not to mind so much about some of the things you mention. Not mowing the grass is not the end of the world. Mowing the grass is VERY important to me and it would annoy me and grate on me to have one of my children chronically not mow the grass. Trust me, I feel your pain. But it's not the end of the world. If he has a job and loves his wife and daughter, not bringing in firewood or mowing the grass might be small potatoes to her. And it's her opinion of him that counts. Not having a coat and hat on the baby - maybe that's small potatoes, too. My son got hot easily as a baby. Older people frequently said something to me about not keeping him warm enough, but the pediatrician specifically talked to me about not keeping him too warm. If I was just going back and forth to a close parked, warm car in 17 degree weather I probably wouldn't have put a coat and hat on my baby, either. Not letting a dog owner keep a baby - there are a lot of mothers like that. I hope you can work something out with your daughter. Sometimes it's hard to work out those mother/daughter relationships.

Thanks everyone, it is nice to see others see it as I do. That makes me feel so much better, lol. Yes, my husband has heard the remark regarding not being able to love other children as much as the first. And, he made sure to let our little know he loves her very much. He was more concerned being sure she knew he loved her than putting SD in her place. As for her comment about needing someone to pay her bills, my husband did tell her right then and there, everyone would be fine if that was the case. And, told her that isn't how life works. I feel for him because as he said as a parent he wants to be able to say it will be ok, and it will. And, it hurts him to hear her so sad. But, like I have reminded him, she made these choices, and she has to learn how to stand on her own, and own up to the choices she has made. I am holding my ground that she can't move in here, or move into the other house. I know we will never get her out if that happens. And, I refuse to allow her to use our GS any further as a weapon. I honestly feel that is why she had him. Her Dad was finally making strides in holding his ground with her. She wasn't getting her way, and having her son made it where he wouldn't allow his GS to go without. So in turn it was her new way in, using GS to get what she wanted. I do my best to keep our daughter away from her. I do not allow her to take her anywhere. I don't even like her alone in a room with her. I just wish I could figure out how to handle her need to make everyone unhappy. Because truly that is the only time she is happy. She plays this wounded little bird game, to get what she wants. She has been doing this since her parents divorced. And, after many years has almost perfected it, sorry to say. Her relationship with her BM is horrible. And, SD has made it that way to ensure she keeps daddy wrapped around her finger. Her BM may not be the best parent out there, but from what I have seen tries. She had SD (pregnant)and her then BF, (now husband) move in with them for a few months. She gave then downpayment on a house. Paid to have all kinds of work done to make it nicer before they moved on. And, what she got was a daughter that cut her off, wouldn't even phone her when her GS was born. We called her. Then she let her in to help out and buy things she wanted that we didn't get her. Then let the house get foreclosed on and cut her off from her GS. The relationship with her BM and SD's behavior there would turn your stomach. Honestly if I was this woman I would have nothing to do with her. The fact that she tries tells me she isn't that bad at all. Again Thanks! Knowing people that have no emotional investment in this and can give a clear opinion means a lot.

In the beginning she did want him back, now (10yrs later) I think she just wants to cause trouble whenever and where ever she can. She has become a bitter man hating woman. She is always running men down and talking about how sorry they all are. I have really let go of the anger I feel towards her and mostly pity her. But it has all started up again with my SD's opinion. I think what bothers me most is my sister has told me for 10 years that blood is thicker than water and that my SD would eventually turn on me for her biomom. I swore that this would never happen because I would never ask her to take sides. But I forgot a very important part of the equation - THE EX/BIOMOM. Even though I didn't force her to choose - the biomom did. And I really don't talk to anyone about it because it hurts so much, because my hubby is tired of hearing, my family is full of ""I told you so's...". I am not leting it affect my life as much as you would think. But my SD will do things like call my biodaughter and ask if I am home and tell my biodaughter to call her when I am not there because she wants to come see her. (they are close - and I encourage my biodaughter to continue that sister relationship. I am trying to keep this as low impact as possible....) For example: If I ask SD when she plans to enroll in college she says I am implying she is wasting her life. But if I don't ask her they she says I don't take any interest in her like I do my own daughter. So either way - I can't please her. I guess it's because she is just hunting a reason to be mad at me. Once she told her dad that she doesn't come over because I won't make my 11year old son treat her like an adult. Her and my 11 year old have been siblings in the same household since he was 9 months old. He can't remember not knowing her... He looks at her like his biosister.... So when he jokes with her or acts like a typical little brother she claims because he is 11 and she is 20 now that he should address her like an adult. She wants to be treated like an adult but she still comes over to our house and acts like a child. When she came over and had dinner with us a couple of months ago I ask her to put her dirty dinner dishes in the dish washer. WE ALL DO THAT and ALWAYS HAVE. It's a rule in our house. I wasn't asking her to clean up from dinner - simply load her dirty dishes... She had a fit because she said that I was treating her like a child and bossing her. I load my dishes and so does my husband and the other three children. It is just stuff like that with her... Every time we interact it is drama. Sometimes I leave thinking "Ok, that went well. Nothing could be misconstrued tomorrow. That was a pleasant day/dinner/event." THE VERY NEXT DAY she is telling her dad or my biodaughter something I did that hurt her feelings and saying that is the reason she hates me. My biodaughter is torn because she grew up with my SD but she has strong loyalty to me and knows I am not doing these things... I just tell my biodaughter to stay out of it and ignore it as best she can. I don't want to drive a wedge between all of us if it can be avoided. And part of me holds on to the hope that she will wake up one day and realize what a hateful, bitter person she has become.

I used to think "family" was so important. As I aged I soon found out that "family" means nothing - it's your friends that count. Ideally, your family will be your best friends but often they can be your worst enemies (as I found out the hard way). This gives two choices, agonize over it and destroy yourself, or as I did, gather yourself together and realize "family" is a term of little or no intrinsic importance, concentrate on your friends including family friends and take deep breaths often. Coach yourself. How to deal with it? Well, have you coped with a death of close friend or family member? It's virtually the same thing. It's the death of a relationship. Accept that it's dead, remember the good times and you'll be able to move on. I accepted that someone else killed (murdered) my relationship with my father. I did not do it. By putting it in proper perspective helps coping with the situation. Not unlike a death, there's times it'll bother you, but it gets better and you move on unless you choose to keep it on yourself, drag yourself down and abuse yourself. Don't do that. It's not worth it. Sometimes you need to lose friends when they're bad for you. Sometimes our pretty skin becomes a festering boil. Do you continue to keep it because you've always had it or do you lance it, accept the short-term pain and move on. Why should ones who are technically "family" be treated differently than friends? A song lyric that means a lot to me is from Caledonia: I have moved and I kept on moving Proved the points that I needed proving Lost the friends that I needed losing Found others on the way Since the debacle I endured, I've found myself closer to some family members than ever before and I value that. Life is too short for toxic relationships. Nobody has the right to poison my life - only I have that right and I choose to not so do. There's enough others who want to make me feel bad, I don't need to help them do it. Now, there's some other things else that should be said. There's no perfect parent. Anyone who thinks they are have probably got their own problems. Accept that you could have made some mistakes but did those mistakes damage her that badly? I think not. For the sake of argument, let's say feeding her junk food, poor upbringing and depriving her of things hurt her. OK, she can throw a tantrum but by the time you hit 18-22 there's a thing called "personal responsibility"! By then, the parents obligations decrease dramatically. Even if she was fed poorly, raised poorly beforehand (and I'm not saying she way, again, in arguendo) it's time for HER to eat healthy, live a better lifestyle, grow up and be an adult. Adults need to accept their responsibility - not blame everyone else. Assign responsibility if appropriate then deal with it like an adult! She's long past the point where she can blame junk food as a kid or a perceived poor parent for her current life. My biggest concern is not for her, but for her kids. I don't know if she's got a husband or not but there's some responsibility there too if so, and shows yet another lack of maturity and responsibility. Lastly, this business of it's a dirty little family secret. BALONEY! It's a situation in life. Period. Don't try to hide it. Let it be known. I'm not saying attack her, but if someone asks who cares about you, why shouldn't they know that someone is trying to hurt you? I state facts, as unbiased and documented as possible and let people make up their minds. I tell them I have phone calls recorded if they don't believe me they can hear them and everything is stated calmly. I refuse to let them get me excited. Nope you're not going to raise my blood pressure (that much anyway). Someone who cares about you should know what's being done to you. I refuse to cover up the source of my family issue and when someone brings it up, yes I'll tell them my side of it. It's amazing how many people don't get both versions and what *should* they then think? I have stories on this too but this is long enough. My point is that if you try to hide this, cover up for her and think it's a "secret" you're only going to hurt yourself even more. I made that mistake for years. I learned my lesson. I hope you learn from my past mistakes. Now one other suggestion. Go out and do something special for yourself today. I don't care whether you and hubby go out for an enjoyable meal, take a walk by yourself, buy or pick yourself a flower, read a book you've been wanting to read, go to the library, a museum or call an old friend and rekindle a past relationship. Just reward yourself and do something kind for yourself for doing what is right and taking this like you have. Don't be afraid to do something nice for yourself on occasion. You deserve it.