Yes,similar situation a couple of times!LOL You already know the answer,stay out of it.He's an adult and voicing your opinion is just going to make things worse and alienate him from you.Sometimes we just have to let go and let our kids make their own mistakes.Whatever you say will make no difference anyway because he already has his mind made up what he wants.My best advice is to try to get along with the girlfriend as best you can,let nature take it's course and be there to help pick up the pieces if that should be the case! Believe me,I know of what I speak!LOL

I agree with lilliepad - stay out of it.

Does he have some good friends/buddies?

Do you talk to them much, i.e., feel fairly close?

Do you have any idea what opinion those people may have about the situation?

I've said for years that one of our major tasks as parents is to help our young ones prepare themselves for independence.

Have you found a way to graft an old head on to young shoulders?

Seems to me I heard that statement as I was growing up - which was a few years ago!

I hope that your son comes to a more level-headed assessment of the situation.

Should they form a couple, and she manipulates/bosses him around, what's the possibility that he may get some steel into his backbone and stand up to her?

Good wishes for success in holding your tongue, being courteous.

(Another use for duct tape?).

ole joyful

Been there...done that!
Stay out of it as hard as it may be.Sometimes our kids have to learn life's lessons the hard way.By interfering,you'll only make him resent you and draw him closer to her.

I have two adult children. Both have dated some pretty strange people in the past. Yes it's hard to watch them make their mistakes. I just sat back and let the relationships ride themselves out. If advice was asked for, I gave it. I was honest about my opinion but it was given and dropped. Period.

HER morals don't matter. If you raised your son with good values and taught him to be responsible (ie birth control and it NEVER matters if she says she's on the pill) then he will move on when he's ready. If you haven't, it's a little late but I would mention it to him anyway.

But the bottom line is he is an adult and you have no more say in his choice of friends or girlfriend than he has in yours.

Good luck and welcome to the board.

I'm really not trying to make assumptions about your personality but this is just a theory -

If you generally do butt into your son's life, that may be just the reason he is looking for a domineering woman - he wants a girl just like Mom LOL.

If that isn't your style, then I would just pray for the best. I don't think there's actually else anything you can do. Hopefully he'll come to his senses before he gets 'trapped'. Or maybe, hopefully, you might have the wrong opinion of this girl.

I agree with others...stay out of the fray.

Stay out of it...he's an adult, and should be making his own decisions as to who he sees.
Who he dates is really none of your business, and you need to learn this fact.

She is 2 yrs. older than him, more mature, and very manipulative,domineering, on the hunt for a husband -- and just not a "nice" moral girl.

As Dr Phil would say, he is either going to see the light or he isn't.

Hopefully he will see the manipulation and tire of it and her. If he doesn't then he is possibly the type of person who is easily led around by a mate. He 'could' even end up being quite happy in a very long term relationship.

I know of couples like that though I am not sure just how happy both partners are. Often the 'hen' rules the roost and all seems good.

Welcome to the KT. Don't be a stranger.

Sue

I hated my brother's girlfriend, and my folks didn't like her eithert. She was very needy, seemed to boss him around as a way to make him prove his love for her.

She got pregnant, and they got married.

Within a very few years, she was one of my favorite people. When one of my bridesmaids had to back out, I thought, "I need someone whom I like, who is a logical bridesmaid, but who will understand why she wasn't in the original list of 3 yet nevertheless be an addition to my day. Sort of like a sister." I told her, "I realized, I have that--I have you."

She'd gone w/ me shopping for dress ideas because we both went to the mall on the same day, and her shopping was done, she gave me the greatest advice on that subject, we talk on the phone for a good bit every time I call my brother.

They were only in high school, and her personality was still being formed, I think. But her pushiness and neediness, my mom and I decided, was a function of her insecurity. Once she was married, she felt secure, and she relaxed.

Wow, you could be my MIL describing me when DH and I were dating. You see, she thouht all of those things about me. She didn't know me, never tried to get to know me (still hasn't...and it'll be 25 years this year). People who take the time to get to know me like me, so I guess someone's opinion is wrong. Maybe yours is too, look at her from your son's eyes.

Vickey-MN

I think you've been given some great advice here...hope you can heed some of it and it all works out...we've got to let our kids fall down to learn...as hard as it is...My son asks my opinion and when he does I give it...I don't sugarcoat it and he takes it in and whether he uses it, is his choice...the one thing I keep telling him about his current girlfriend is, he better like her now, cause she's most likely not going to change...We marry people cause of how they are, not how we think we can change them to be!

The other side, I think my MIL didn't really like me at first because she hardly new me. We had only met once before the wedding and it all happened so fast, 6 months long distance dating. (I think they thought he HAD to marry me. LOL) Now after 30 years we are really good friends and can talk for hours on the phone.

Like everyone said, he is an adult so not much you can do. If he does end up marrying her, keep an open mind and give he a chance. If it is a mistake, he has to be the one that deals with the consequences. That is how we all learn. It is sometimes very hard to be a mother, I know.
Clare

Yes, I have had to nail my tongue to the roof of my mouth! My youngest son is 32 and his girlfriend is 50! I have to just leave him alone and let him decide for himself - I don't think he should be involved with her, even though she's a very beautiful and nice woman - but, it's his life.

I kinda got the same thing. But my daughter is 31, and has 2 kids. I don't like who's she's 'dating' either. But then she's never told me she's seeing this guy. My other daughter (whom she works at the same facility with) told me.
I wouldn't care so much, if it wasn't for the 2 kids she has. Or if she was 21, I could blame it on immaturity. I'd think by now, she'd be a little more mature, or as mature as she's going to get.
Now, she's quit her job. Which I advised her not to take in the 1st place, because of her sister also working there. But, she didn't take my advice. She got a nice tax return, and I guess she thinks she can live on it for a while, while she finds another job. She didn't tell me she quit either.
So, I'm keeping my mouth shut, and try to be there to have the kids as much as possible. I'm a jittery nervous mess in the mean time. I guess because she's made enough mistakes in her 30 years. When is she going to learn?
Sorry to go on about my own problem.
Leslie

Kruth, I'm not one to hold my tongue (not that anyone did), so I hope you don't take offense because I don't mean any offense. I really think you are not being fair and also think you are butting in where you don't belong. Lots of mothers of sons are that way for some reason. I say it because of your assessment of her - the way you don't explain any of your descriptions. Most of all, you saying she is "on the hunt for a husband." Since I don't imagine she said that to you, it is not something you can possibly know. And how much worse is it than yourself before you were married or any other woman? So, I have to suspect the other descriptions as also being judgmental, if not without grounds. For example, I'm guessing "just not a "nice" moral girl" means she has a child or children and that must be the reason you say she is hunting for a husband. See how I just manufactured a scenario? Do you do the same?

I agree with what's been said. Stay out of it.........it
will only make him want her more.

I stayed out of it when I was concerned on how DS's GF was, the cheating on him, the possessivness, the not so sane actions, the immaturity on her side. At first I thought she was such a nice girl!!! I am stupid I guess. As time went on I knew I was wrong.
I WAS NOT asked my opinion and kept my mouth shut. He didn't share much of THEIR life with me, I found out things second hand from what he told the DD's. THEY did tell him a few things that made him think but still continued to have feelings for his GF.
If he asked, I'd have tried to advise. He was 19 when they started seeing each other, she was a senior in HS.I got the most beautiful,sweet, goodnatured DGD out of it after 2-3 years.
Would I change it? NOPE. In spite of all the heartache she caused I cannot make his decisions for him. He had to see it for himself. HE is in control of his own destiny.
Did she cause him a world of hurt?? Most definitley YES. I think I can honestly say he wouldn't change it either. He does wish he were smarter then! But hindsight and all that.
Keep your mouth shut, be gracious and understanding. Pray like he!! they make it or eventually he finds someone "nice" and "sweet".
By advising I mean I might have made suggestions on some things, but still would have left the desion on what to do to my son.
Thats my 2 cents worth!

I just hope this all works out.

My DD had a boyfriend that was a born loser....but we treated him nicely and included him in our family. It was very hard but we did it. It took our DD nine years to decide he was a loser and kicked his fanny to the curb.
Just remember you have taught him your morals and values and you have to let him make his own life decisions.

As hard as it is.....I hold my tongue. Very hard to do at times!

Gayle

I hope it works out for you, too. My brother was dating a woman that we met a few years ago. None of us liked her, she was fussy and whiny and picky and acted bored the whole time she was around us. Then we met her again and she started to grow on me. (Just me, no one liked her, still.) She was pretty funny and madly in love with my brother. Unfortunately for her, he didn't love her so they've broken up, which doesn't really upset me, but if they hadn't broken up, I think we could have gotten along. All that really mattered to me was that my brother wasn't lonely or as unhappy as he'd been. I hope he meets another woman that will make him happy, I want him to. His misses his late GF so much.

Good luck! Maybe this young woman will grow on you, too. Give her a chance if you can.

I'm sure my folks were disappointed when I married my first DH. I was 19 and he was a 34-year-old alcoholic.

I'm sure they were HORRIFIED when I married my second DH. We were both 25, and he was an even worse alcoholic (physically abusive).

I didn't get my life together relationship-wise until I was in my late 20s. That's when I married DH #3 -- and we've been together over 20 years.

My point is that it just takes some of us longer than others to learn how to make smart choices in life. I am so grateful that I had supportive parents who were always there for me and accepted my decisions whether they were good ones or bad ones.

Good advice here. With my DS#1, if I give him a lot of quiet time when he visits (no TV and relaxing after dinner when the crowd of relatives are not there) he will bring up his concerns re girlfriend and ask for input that way as he tries to figure out his goals. So maybe it might help for you to have some quiet time with him and see if he starts to talk about his relationship and what he is looking for.

Well my daughter is married with 4 kids to a abusive phy. and verbally man and all I can say is stay out of it....if you butt in as i Have before thenyou push them more towards them...do as I do...just pray one day one day they will wake up............StaCy

Wow - what alot of responses, thank you! Without going into too much detail, I failed to mention that he has broken up with her 3 times previously.. when she gets too clingy. She won't let him have any time with his guy friends, or with his family -- even his guy friends have commented to me that they don't care for her controling him -- but he allows that. She texts him constantly to keep up with where he is and what he is doing. She also tries to influence him on how to manage his money --ARRGH! Anyway, I have learned and am continuing to work on keeping my opinions to myself unless he asks. He has been raised in a family with values and I do "pray like he!!" (I really liked that) for him to return to his roots. Maybe he will, and maybe he won't - that's not up to me. I do appreciate your comments and your allowing me to vent.

Welcome to the board! I am going thru something similar now except mine is the girl. She's been dating the same boy since she was 17 (they are both 21 now) and broke up one time. She is in college and he did not go to college but went to work instead, which is not the problem. The problem with hers is that while he has a job, he NEVER has any money and he comes to her to borrow money. She is quite good with money and so she generally has at least a little money. It's very frustrating that she keeps giving him money and we've had to quit giving her any money, if only to teach her that she needs to take care of herself first. I understand her need to want to help him but he doesn't seem to want to help himself get control of his spending habits. For example, he has ruined 4 vehicles since I've known him mostly due to taking these vehicles "mudding". Mine has now given him her car. So, yep, I know what you are going thru and I definitely have no real advise for you. In my case, I generally keep my mouth shut but in the case of her car, I did gently point out that I was concerned about it breaking down. She said she was worried about the same thing and she was going to get it back next week - we'll see. I really don't want to have her not tell me stuff, so I try not to pass judgment on him. I'm hoping he'll grow up soon or she'll move on soon.

Scissors - we can relate. At this point I am experimenting with different hair coloring products to find the one that will cover the "son created" gray the best! My son and his girlfriend are both college students, but she will graduate first -- and he has a mudder also, that she doesn't like - due to the expense it creates. I try to find some humor in all of this, but at times it can be really challenging. It's just comforting to know that we aren't the only parents going thru this stuff.

MYOB! and don't let her move in!
Kathy G in MI

My 18 year old son has dated a few girls that I liked very much. Then he began seeing a girl that I picked up bad vibes from. She seemed to be very manipulative, deceptive, extremely moody, and could never look any of us in the eye when speaking, although she was far from shy. I got a strong sense that she wasn't the person she was pretending to be. My son tends to be very compassionate, and too soft hearted to the point of being gullible, and I knew this relationship would end up hurting him. I discussed the situation with his siblings (who are away at college, but met the girl) and they both agreed we shouldn't say anything, but just let him work things out for himself.

Long story short, he found out she was cheating on him, involved in drugs and a pathological liar (I can't mention the details, but she created whole elements to her life that don't exist). When my son discovered all this he broke off with her, and asked the rest of the family what we had thought of her. When we replied that all of us got bad vibes from her, he said he wished someone had spoken up and told him of our feelings. He said that if we had expressed our concern he might have seen her true character a lot sooner, because he loves us and trusts our opinions. So it seems you're darned if you do, and darned if you don't!

Hard to put a 48-year-old head on 18-year-old shoulders!

Too soon old ... too late smart (sometimes).

ole joyful

Having a son who has many girlfriends and has yet to settle down, I would say that you have good advice here. Listen to it! It really is none of your business who he dates AND she may turn out to be a great person. Also, on the gray hair thing, you don't get it from your kids, LOL. If that were true, I would be completely gray and I don't have one at all!

I was one of these people at one point in my life and my parents stayed out of it. The relationship was absolutely horrible but I'd gotten myself in so deep I didn't know how to get out. It took me years to break myself away and get my life back in order. I wish my parents and friends had said something, because after the fact they all said they knew this person was bad, and bad for me. I wish they had said something a lot sooner. It might have saved me a lot of heartache.

I think you have a right to voice your opinion about this person as long as you do it in the right way. Not telling him what he should do, just pointing out characteristics that you see in her that he may not. Of course, it seems he already knows her bad traits since they keep breaking up. Maybe he just keeps her around for the sex. ;o)