She sounds awful, and very untrustworthy. I would be hard pressed to allow her in my home again. Who does she think she is? What she did and said is so wrong on so many levels.

I would 86 her.

Trin

How old is she if you don't mind me asking?

If it were me I would explain this is your house and if she can't abide by your rules she will not be welcome to visit there.

She is 19 and so is my son. I think it will be a long time before she even thinks of showing her face here. If she does she will be having a discussion with me about the ground rules, my rules. But even then I am not comfortable. I really haven't had any problems, major anyway, with my son so being "strict" really hasn't been necessary so this is new to me. Never had problems with my sons other friends either. so this girl is totally alien to me.

She obviously lies. That alone is enough to put her on the "bad people" list at my house. Your sons gonna have nothing but grief with that woman as a GF.....he's gonna go to the school of hard knocks. It must be hard to watch?

I think talking to her and explaining that your not computer literate, but your also not stupid. You won't stand for her behavior. If she wants to be a part of "your" family and get invitations to "your" home she is gonna have to straighten up.

The whole thing sounds really, really weird. I would do a thorough check of the computer and figure out what she did to it. Why in the heck would she not give you the admin password for your own computer?!?!? Sounds like she's up to something.

I don't blame you, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I also wouldn't allow someone in my house that would treat me with such disrespect.

How very odd. I would immediately be changing the administrative password, or be finding out how to change it...just in case she is ever near the computer sometime in the far off future.

Sue

That girl would be outta my house so fast her head would spin..and my son wouldn't be too far behind her (just because he kept his mouth shut). There is no how no way they'd be using my computer! At 19yrs. old, your son should have a job and money to buy his own and if he wants to let that girl control him and his computer..that would be his problem..but not in MY house!

I am not a computer geek by any stretch...know just enough to get by (and occassionally get myself in trouble)
I learned to trust my instincts a long time ago...and they are telling me she is hiding something on the computer. Whether your son knows what it is or not.. I would ask him if he knows why she was avoiding telling you...and then proceed to tell him you are having someone else look it over. Then do it.
I suspect she (or the both of them) were looking at or storing things you would not approve of.
I could be way off base and I hope I am, but there is no real logical reason for her not to give you the password. If it is your computer and your house, you should have access to ALL passwords. (BTW I went through this with an ex that was addicted to porn, I won't even start...)
As far as a girlfriend - he has a long row ahead if he stays with that one!

I figured out how to change passwords and took care of it. Their reason for me not having it was so I wouldn't "mess up" computer by messing with the Admin account so if I don't have it I can't mess it up, so they said, but still that is no excuse for not giving me the info on a computer that is in my home that I use. He did not have a job during high school so he could concentrate on studies, it takes him twice the time to get through studies than your average student, although he is smart he does have a disability. He is now looking for a part time job. He is in college and taking summer courses. He does have a bit of a disability (Aspergers) so he does sometimes have problems with social situations is awkward and struggles with it sometimes. This is his first "girlfriend" so I guess I was afraid for him at just having a girl friend, let alone a crazy one. She is just seeming to be very manipulative and controlling and my son is really naive about a lot of "social" situations to begin with. He does have a good head on his shoulders most of the time...she better not mess with him (or me) or mama bear will be released. I think she saw the other night that I won't be messed with.

Your first mistake was letting a woman you are already uncomfortable with into your house to work on your computer! Sorry, but WHAT were you thinking? Hoarders tend to have control and boundary issues.

Never, ever give administrative control of your computer to a stranger. You let that woman set a password?? You now have no clue what she may have done. She may well be a wonderful woman, BUT you and your DH were silly to not get the password immediately - and then CHANGE it.

Mind you, the separate accounts system is absolutely the way to go, because files and bookmarks are unique to each user. I don't want to sift through DH's files to find mine.

Next time go to the Geek Squad or Computer Nerds. It's not all that expensive. And they can absolutely back up your system before reloading operating systems, which this woman was unable to do.

And son's GF would never be allowed in my house or near my computer again.

I would have your machine checked out by someone trustworthy.

She could have put a keylogger on your machine and have info you don't want her to have.

She could have that info sent to her at a different location - or read the log file on your machine. It is not hard to do.

Every keystroke you type - posts here, credit card info on orders, passwords, personal info etc. would be in her hands.

You are so right Mary c. I do feel pretty stupid right now. My husband is a bit of a computer person but he was too busy at the time to spend hours working on the computer. Plus he is not the most get to it person around either. So when he didn't object to it I guess I thought it would be ok. Now I am really paranoid about this whole situation and growing more uncomfortable by the minute.
Regarding hoarders having control and boundary issues I guess I never thought of that. There was a big mess that needed to be cleaned up after all this and before the password incident. I told my son to clean it up properly and put things away properly. Throw out stuff no longer needed, I also gave him another box of stuff to go through while he was picking up that had misc stuff, mostly computer related that had been sitting around for at least 6 months. I said go through it or it's all going in the trash nest week...This is also a strategy I have to use on my husband to get things done. The GF said she thought that was a bit of an abusive thing to do, threaten to throw another persons stuff away ...I explained to her if I didn't threaten sometimes things would never get done and we would be buried up to our ears in stuff....ok, maybe that was a dig. I told her that's how I handle it in my home...so anyways I guess I am venting now...

I agree with everyone else.Either lay down the law to both her and your son or ban her(and him)from your home until she can conduct themselves respectfully.Believe me,I have done just that with some of my own kids!
I would definitely change the password as fast as you can!

Your house your rules. Maybe your son can get some outside help on how to handle people like this girl, as sometimes kids seem to listen to others. Maybe contact the association connected with his disability would help him. Please, I am not critizing you, but I had a son with a terrible temper, and he would sometimes listen to others. That was years ago before we had all the wonderful guidance that we have now. I am sendin big hugs to you and hope things get better.
Marie
I would take the computer to a outside source, have it completly cleaned out, as I agree she might have put something in it to either pick up everything you do and say, or if you have on line banking--identify theft etc. You did nothing wrong, I too have a temper and I probably would have done the same thing.

I suspect the girl was only trying to protect the administrator account, but she should have said so, and since you wanted access to it, she should have forked over the password - after all, it was YOUR computer! And then she tells you it is against the law to have a computer next to a window - How absurd. I think she was hitting back with words. She'll say anything to keep control. It is time to tell her to shape up and ship out. Behavior such as is not allowed in or near your home.

Their reason for me not having it was so I wouldn't "mess up" computer by messing with the Admin account so if I don't have it I can't mess it up

My DS has always been the admin for our systems. It was some time before he "unlocked" the system to us knowing how computer illiterate we were and how we might screw things up. The above reason is an extremely valid one.

The others issues you have with the GF are separate from this.

I read your earlier post and now this.

You obviously have a problem, or rather several problems.

First I suggest you, your DH and your DS have a sit down, involved discussion about the whole situation. Sounds like your DH is not being responsible in this either.

The Computer stuff is only part of the whole thing. Your DS needs to understand all angles of the "boyfriend" and what could happen when he gets out. Also that he, your son, needs to learn to protect and defend you, his mother, from being treated like that.

At 19, there will be other friends, girlfriends. He shouldn't settle for any girl like her.

Sue

Wildchild, clearly you trust your son. This worked for you. While I usually am pretty close to your viewpoints on many issues, I think you're wrong with this one.

Izzie has NO reason to trust this girl, especially with her computer! She has demonstrated if not hostility, at least disrespect, in the past with inappropriate comments.

Just no. This girl should be denied all access to the family computer. She's not family, and who knows how long she'll even be "girlfriend"? What if the kids broke up, and she still wouldn't divulge the password?

Just NO.

What if the kids broke up, and she still wouldn't divulge the password?

Anyone who regularly works on computers has password recovery tools and software. It's not a problem for a new repair person to bypass the old one.

Izzie doesn't like this girl. The girl doesn't like her. The mother fixed the computer and Izzie put the girl on the defensive because she showed "suspicion" about the password. The girl responded with snark (law about the window) along the lines of asking someone to hand you a left handed screwdriver. LOL It WAS rude. An apology might be in order. But the personal issues have little to do with the computer. The computer is merely a pawn in this whizzing contest.

Good try kids...not even remotely falling for it...

Bottom line, there's no excuse for that kind of behavior... good or bad, right or wrong, there's No excuse. Nineteen year olds know better... and their handling of it and their complete disrepect point to more then good intentions...

Girlfriends/DIL often have problems with mothers/MIL... but to be this disrespectful to the mother of a guy you are dating like this is beyond normal. No one should be offended because someone asks for their own computer's password... I suspect a lot more is going on with them and the computer... Again, she's not going to make up a stupid lie like she did because she has the good intention of not wanting you to mess up your computer...she's probably hiding something bigger...

How did the virus come about?

izzie i'd have paid anything to best buy to get the computer back in MY control, and sorry wildchild, no snippy 19 yo is going to disrespect me in MY HOME..if you read the other post, her family life is tenuous at best...

those passwords should be changed and asap.

I say that you set some boundaries and now you need to make sure that she respects them...and I agree don't let her show you any disrespect, in your home or anywhere else.

sorry wildchild, no snippy 19 yo is going to disrespect me in MY HOME.

I said it was rude and an apology may be in order. That's not the issue about the computer though. I stand on my previous statements.

I'm with salgal and iowagirl2009. In my opinion, this computer should be wiped clean, "low-level" formatted and reloaded. You lost everything on it already so there can't be much on there of importance yet that can't be backed up after a thorough virus/malware check. This doesn't sit right with me. And OK, the computer and relationship issues are separate issues so deal with them separately. But I would have someone competent do a complete drive wipe and start over. My first thought was they could have slipped in a "back door". For peace of mind, that thing would be sanitized.

The son's dealing with this so far. If they're friends, they're friends. Have a sit-down and encourage him to be cautious, tell him you're there for him but you're not going to try to run his life. It sounds like that's where he's at anyway.

Illegal to have a computer by the window? That's a new one on me! :)

Password recovery because someone who worked on your computer wouldn't give you your passwords? LOL Sorry, but nope. That's not rational. They're not you're IT person, they were supposed to clean malware from your system and they weren't able to do that so how should they be given credibility to have such control over your system? Nope. No way. Uh-uh. Not in this lifetime.

Yes, the Admin and separate accounts being kept separate is a good way to go, but in all my years of servicing computers, there's NO WAY I'd ever put myself in the position where I'd be the only one with passwords for a client's computer! Forget liability, forget the silly arguments, I *always* would not only give them the passwords, but tell them TO CHANGE them so there can't be an accusation toward me. Plus 5 year later when they call and cry that they can't remember the password, I remind them that they were to have changed it and I didn't have it.

In reality, I doubt these people are all that intelligent computer-wise to do the things a person in that position could do. But that doesn't matter, I'd still have it wiped out. Given they couldn't clean some malware, and of course we don't know how serious it was, nor do we even know for sure there was a virus or other malware on there, but with the toold available now, readily available, free and easy to use, they shouldn't have wiped your computer.

For security purposes, if you use this computer for anything requiring a password, I'd change all those passwords. Online banking, credit cards, etc, especially! That data is possible to dig out. When I had a system with important data on it that needed service, the first thing I did was back up the entire hard drive completely. That backup of course would be in my posession. Unscrupulous people could, at their liesure look thorugh your data and see what they could find.

Am I overly-suspicious? Often, yes, but that's what I got paid to do. And I've done enough forensic data recovery to be amazed at what is on peoples' systems, readily accessible by anyone and the simplistic passwords used by many people. FWIW, my one partner thought she had a foolproof password on her computer. I guessed it in two tries!

I'm not encouraging paranoia, just common sense caution. When something doesn't smell right, I don't swallow it. This wouldn't get near my mouth!

I agree with every word that Cynic said. I don't know as much as he does about computers, but I would definitely re-format the hard drive (and would pay someone to do it, if necessary) and change every password.

The issue here isn't whether it's a good idea for your son and his girlfriend to keep the administrative password from you. Wildchild has given one reason that might be a good idea. To my mind, the issue is consent.

Wildchild consented to having her trusted son act as the system administrator. *Her* computer, *her* decision. You did not consent. *Your* computer ... *their* decision? I think not.

Trying to save people from themselves is a dicey thing. In personal relationships, we generally only do it when the person who needs saving is somehow mentally deficient, or when s/he has consented. (As in, "Please take these cookies and give me only two a day!")

Could you have screwed up the computer again? Sure! But it's *your* computer to screw up. Nothing says she or her mother have to fix it again. It's not her problem.

I wouldn't keep this girl out of my house, only because I wouldn't want my son to have to make that sort of decision. And she's young, and maybe didn't understand how presumptuous she was being.

But I would definitely do what you suggested and put the computer in the living room, and she would never be allowed to use it. If you want your son to be able to use it, he can do so when she's not there.

My husband is an IT guy, takes care of hundreds of computers at a hospital. Never once in all the years that's he's been doing this, has he reimaged a computer for any of my friends without the user assigning all of their passwords including the administrator password. It's your computer, if they had concerns regarding access to that area, all they had to do is what my DH does and that's to explain that changes to settings in that area should be made carefully. They had no right what so ever to keep that from you especially once you asked for it.

I think whether you should allow that girl back into your home or not is a hard one because if you refuse then you won't have first hand knowledge of where they are and/or what they're doing. On the flip side, by putting her in her place & then allowing her back in, not only will you know what they're up to, but maybe being in a clean and functional environment could prove helpful to her in the future.

So sorry you're going through this, I can only imagine how shocking that visit to their house must have been.

"I am now under the impression she rules things at her parents home. "

I am under the impression that she's ruling you as well. And maybe your son as well.

Whose computer is this anyway? And what exactly are they doing on it that they need a password they don't want you to have?

After reading your first post link, I can understand why she may see your home as more desirable than hers, and perhaps she wants some normalacy in her life. But I think you are doing the right thing by making the boundaries in YOUR home very, very clear to her.

Your house, your rules. End.of.story.

I suggest you get an external hard drive, if you haven't already done so. Then you can copy your files and data into it on a weekly basis and if the computer has virus problems or crashes again you won't lose everything.

I'm sorry about the family problems. People with Aspergers often have trouble understanding other people and their motivations, as I'm sure you know, so this may be affecting your son's judgement regarding the girlfriend. Your assertiveness in the situation is important for all concerned.