I really do think the two of you need to sit down and have some honest communication here. Both of the girls should be treated equal if your family is truely to be considered a blended family.

Between you and me though, your daughter will appreciate her education and be the more responsible person because she worked for it herself. You have taught her good working ethics that will last her a lifetime.

Hmmm. He knows your daughter's financial situation and has never offered to help?

I would have a talk with him and let him know that you'll be sending your daughter XXX$ dollars every month to help her. And because of this he might have to help pay some of the bills your money was paying for.

And I would agree with him that money is tight and ask what he intends to do about it.

I do not think this issue will resolve itself. It's going to take a confrontation and you're going to have to let him know that what he's doing is not fair.

These girls aren't going to be very close once the truth comes out and the favoritism comes out.

First of all, are any more coming along who will go to college, or is this it? We don't know all the circumstances, but if it were my DD, I would be sending much more to my daughter and letting him pick up the household expenses. Also, where is your daughter's father and his help in all this? Both girls have two parents, and then one step. That is what makes figuring out the equation difficult. Moreover, he comes across as unkind and selfish if he knows your daughter's plight and chooses to shower his daughter with so much spending money rather than help your DD too. Time for an honest talk. He needs to know that he will be needing to budget more for the household from now on.

I am so sorry that you're going through all this. I can easily see why you've been in tears. Your husband's dishonesty must be a cutting blow and your hard working daughter doesn't seem to be getting a fair deal. You do need to sit down with him and re calculate the financial aspect of who spends how much and on what.

The other thing I question is the amount that he is sending his daughter. If he is paying all her regular expenses - room, board etc. then $1000 a month is excessive. I sent 3 to college -one went to the most expensive state college in the US, one went to a highly regarded small liberal arts college and the last went Ivy League. None of them needed that kind of money each month.

I'm also afraid that you will have to dig deep within you and be prepared for some answeers that you will not want to hear. Be strong and speak up. We'll all be thinking about you.

Mine was a bitter ending, so, best no comment.
Good luck!

First of all a marriage is when two people become one...so to speak. I think the money that you both make should be "yours"...and the girls should be getting the same amount..That is totally unfair.Regardless of who's child it is...

If the "marriage" is going to help one it should equally help the other.

Hope you get it all worked out.

You need to sit down and talk.

patti

Mcmann, that's what I thought, too. A kid getting a free ride on tuition is one thing and a BIG BIG THING, but this huge allowance each month on top of a free ride on tuition? I have no idea where or how the kid spends that kind of money. No idea.

SheliaJoyce, these are the last two kids for both of us.

Bestlawn, what started all this is DH said for the umpteenth time that 'money is real tight' so I sat down with DH with a piece of paper and said, Let's make a list of where the money is going each month, and I listed our recurring bills and expenses and income. I knew he was paying the girl's tuition and sending an allowance but I had no idea how big the allowance was.

Is his daughter's tuition and allowance coming from his account(s) or a joint account? Are some or all of his funds from his first marriage?

Was the tuition and allowance set-up in place before your marriage? If so, why would you think his daughter should get less help from her father (or your daughter benefit), just because of your marriage.
If the situation was reversed...would you take away the help from your child to give his more?

It's school...hopefully, they both will graduate and be on their own. The situation is temporary, after all.

Monica made a great point about the tuition and allowance and when it was determined. Two other things to consider are - how many more years of college is left for each girl and will this difference in funding become a lingering resentment that could sour things for the 2 of you. You said that before you married the difference in income and assest was discussed, but did college funding ever come up?

And while you wouldn't want his daughter to be penalized because of the marriage I still think the fact that you are now married does mean that the discrepancy needs to be discussed. And if indeed money is tight then perhaps he needs to discuss his daughter's spending with her too. Is any of this money going for regular expenses - tutoring, car insurance, health insurance, books, college fees, sorority costs; is she on a meal plan or does she have to purchase her own food? Is she in an apartment and paying for internet, cable tv, utilities? School cafeteria food becomes boring fairly quickly and if a student starts dining out that gets quite costly.

A college student could easily spend $1000 a month. I'm sure mine could have spent it if it had been handed to them. Where does the money go? food, drink, entertainment, gas if they have a car, trips, toiletries etc. My son felt sorry for his room mate who he thought didn't have any extra cash and found himself paying for many of his room mate's share of expenses for most of the year. Luckily they had different living arrangements the next year.

My DH and I have five children between the two of us. I have two (15 and 17) and he has three (18, 19, 29). Two of his just started college this year. We send them equal amounts each month and when mine start college, they will get the same. I don't think it matters whose kids they are, things should be equal. We always try to be fair and equal with our children. They notice. If we weren't (which we would never do), I think it would cause problems between them too. Plus we just don't think it would be right to send one more than the other.

Hmmm.

Consider this, maybe he agreed in his divorce to pay a certain amount of child support until the kid graduated from College.

That said. On the other hand. I have the same problem, but Main Man's Son doesn't work or go to school and he is 21. Main Man spends about $1,000 a month for this kid to drive a sports car and loaf.

My Son stuggles to work 50 hours a week to support his wife and 2 kids. He is 26 and very responsible...Main Man has never helped him out financially. But, my Son never asks either.

It is common among my friends who are blended families to see the "favoritism" to the Offspring of the Money Maker.

Gayle

First of all...welcome Hope! I'm glad you feel comfortable enough sharing your troubles with us and I hope you stick around and share good things with us in the future!

(Hope)

I hope there is a rational reason for what's happened and I hope a calm and peaceful resolution is found. Not every marital problem has to end up with 'either or'.

You've been given some very good and kind advice here and some very valid points made.

The point made that perhaps your husband has been court ordered to pay this amount to his daughter is a valid one.

The poster wondering how much your daughter's father is contributing to her education is another good one.

The observation that this is a temporary situation and would it be worth the lifelong rift and resentment between everyone involved is also very very good.

Here are some questions and general suggestions of my own.

1) How did you find out your husband was sending money to his daughter and what the amount was? How reliable is the source and why would they tell you about this? Some people just like to make trouble. Why would this person know your husband's business? How did they find out? Did this person have a solution for the problem or just stand there with a satisfied and gloating look on his/her face? Has this person caused trouble between you and your husband before?
I would analyze all of the above carefully before doing anything.

2) Is your daughter getting support from her father?
I hope so because he is her other blood/legal parent and has a true obligation to her. Perhaps you or your daughter could ask him for financial support?

3) Is this daughter your youngest or do you have other children still at home? Do you get a support check from your ex?

4) Is your check a direct deposit?
If so, I would suggest stop doing this and start getting a paper check on payday. I don't know what you are making a month but I would take out an appropriate amount and to send to my daughter. If I was still getting support checks from my ex I would send a portion of that to my daughter in college. I wouldn't send her an excessive amount of money. She sounds like she is determined to make the most of her college education and only needs a little 'help'...not total support. I would still contribute to the household (on my part this would be sheer pride) but would hold back a bit for a savings account for myself and my children.

I would then tell my husband my daughter was struggling in college and I was helping her out. Surely he will know how much you are sending but I wouldn't hold anything back if he were to ask. Out of sheer pride I would NOT ask him about the arrangements with his daughter. I would take pride in knowing I was helping my child AND contributing all I could to the household and marriage.

Another self-help suggestion would be to tell my daughter to file her own income tax as it sounds like she is self supporting and most likely will get an income tax return.

Good luck!

Lori

He who has the money controls the game!

"Bestlawn, what started all this is DH said for the umpteenth time that 'money is real tight' so I sat down with DH with a piece of paper and said, Let's make a list of where the money is going each month, and I listed our recurring bills and expenses and income. I knew he was paying the girl's tuition and sending an allowance but I had no idea how big the allowance was."

I see that's how you found out about it, but I don't understand why you are expected to suffer, cut back, go without, and help him pay for her exorbitant allowance, forsaking what you may wish to spend money on and also forsaking whatever help you are able to offer your own daughter. That, in effect, is what he asks and expects of you, "Everyone contribute so I can spend all the money on my daughter." That is insane, and a suggestion from anyone that you contribute all you can to the household is also insane. What do they suggest you do the next time he disregards you and the next time he uses you for his own? Or worse, in the event of a divorce? You will have nothing left from helping him with his daughter and helping him take care of the house. It is incumbent of you to make yourself aware of the household income and expenditures. You were wise to ask him and try to sort it all out, and please don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Now, make him take care of it.

Kayjones, that is so antiquated, sexist, and all out an imprudent way for her to think or feel.

I have a daughter in her second year at college now. $1,000 per month seems way too much if he is paying for the schooling. It sounds like the $1,000 is spending money on top of the tuition and such and that's too much for a college student. I'm not in a divorced situation so I can only say what I do for my college student. Mine is quite good with money and so we have told her, if you need it, you'll need to ask for it. We do not pay for her tuition, room, board or anything else. So far we've paid $500 for first semester and she just asked for $800 for second semester. Last year she had a lot of scholarships so she had money save up for this year. She did ask us to help her more next year, which I fully expect to be around $5,000. I do pay her monthly bills that get sent here, ie car insurance and cell phone bill. The total is around $200 per month. So, I'd be curious to know what the daughter is spending her money on. Maybe you need to sit down with her and have her make a budget. It sounds like she could use it along with dad.

Do you think that, if your marriage hadn't taken place, he still would be contributing this amount to his daughter's education?
And would you, without the marriage, have been able to contribute more to your daughter?

Bestlawn, I have to agree that it's not right, but that's generally how it is - which ever one makes the most money is the one who decides how it gets spent.

Evidently, many couples who profess to share their lives, and their love, feel differently when it comes to sharing their money.

Bottom line is any assets he had BEFORE the marriage are his and his to spend as he wants. Same goes for yours.

Any assets earned or acquired by you or him AFTER the marriage are for both of you to decide on how to use, invest or spend.

Previous financial burdens or obligations should have been discussed prior to marrying.

If these amounts that he is giving to his DD are part of the divorce agreement he is bound to them unless he goes to court to have them lowered.

If they are just something he wanted to do he should of been upfront about them before getting married and discussed with your on how you would live during the years he was doing this.

You two need to talk. You also have to find out what else he is not disclosing to you.

I'm sorry your first time here is under these circumstances. Welcome to the board and I hope you have happier postings in the future.

Were I in your shoes, Hope Full, on the face of it, I'd be feeling a measure of betrayal.

Not only has your spouse been treating the two girls inequitably (in which he may feel some partial justification if he feels that your daughter's Dad, especially if her could, isn't helping much) ...

... he's been deceptive, even if by omission of providing anything like a full accounting of his personal money management.

Some other good points have been raised, regarding various un-named aspects of the situation.

I don't think that the husband's daughter is being well served by her father. It looks to me as though he may be spoiling her. Is she learning how to manage money well?

There needs to be a fuller accounting on her part of her financial affairs ... if she expects subsidy. If not, then her management of her accounts is much more her business.

After all, since she's of college age, her Dad's no spring chicken.

Probably has a mortgage payment to make.

In any case, should be giving some thoughts to financing that retirement that comes closer, month by month. Which will require more retirement income, if he doesn't own a home.

And can't be fully financed with ten years of savings near the end of his career, (for most of us), even if his employment may be fairly impregnable.

Has she demonstrated any interest in/concern for her father's lifelong financial viability? Or is she one of the kind that takes whatever's offered (or may it be the result of some whining on her part), smiles, says, "Thanks", ... and goes her merry way?

In terms of a responsible family, money management should be a two-way street, it seems to me.

When I read Kay Jones first statement, I understood it to be a statement of how things are. Or, to an extent, how they were, and to a substantial extent, still are, in a good portion of society.

I didn't infer that she approved of that viewpoint.

I really hope that you and your spouse can work this through without a lot of squabbling, quite amicably, Hope Full.

ole joyful

If she felt that way, after all, I rather doubt she would find reason to post this or find anything to be upset about. She indicated to us she thinks it is unfair. I just don't think anyone has to make her think she is supposed to feel that way as if that is the way it supposed to go. It is not. I think there is enough disparity in the situation without a woman being made to feel she is supposed to put up with it. No one is supposed to put up with that, and the only person who does is someone afraid to face the alternative. I would not be ruled by anyone for any reason and really hope that Hope Full will ignore your statement and also refuse to be ruled.

Thank you for all the responses.

There is no court order involved and the money being paid out is not part of any divorce agreement. All monies paid to this child are voluntary.

As to my ex-H (my child's father), he's paying a small amount but like so many blue-collar workers, he's had trouble finding a job that pays enough to keep his head above water. He's struggling. There is no alimony payment or child support coming from him. Our children (mine and DH's) are more than 18.

As to how I found out about this "allowance", I sat down with DH and we made a list of every dollar we spend each month and that's when he mentioned this $1,000 a month going to his kid and this is on top of the full tuition being paid. The $1,000 is allowance.

I don't make that much money at my part time job, but I do contribute a chunk of it (maybe 75%) to household expenses. DH income is many times higher than mine so his money pays the lion's share of the bills. In the beginning (and still now), he said he liked my working part time and being here at the house because it made our lives easier and his knees go weak when he comes in the front door and smells dinner cooking, lol.

As to his kid burning through all that money each month, I wonder about that, too.

Stupid me, I thought when we stood at the altar and said "I DO" that our lives (and assets) were joined and blended, ala Brady Bunch style, lol.

I'm beginning to think that it's true that "he who has the gold makes the rules" and it's very disturbing. I'm just sick at heart to think that second marriages are not a true blending of life and love and family and finances. I wanted someone to be a fatherly influence in my children's lives and someone who'd love them as much he loved his own and that's what bites the most about all this crap. More naivete, I suppose.

My contribution to this marriage has merit and value, even if it does not manifest itself as a big fat bank balance at the end of the month.

Thanks again for taking the time to think this through with me.

HF

wonder what he'd say if you told him you were going to work full time and help your dd, as she was becoming burned out?

i have so long lived with a fil who has provided his "other" grands with so much more emotional support than with mine, they arn't the least bit involved in his life or do they care very much...it's a very sad way to live....

I do think it's a bit much to expect a second husband to feel financially responsible for an adult child. Friendship...yes. A part of an extended family...yes.

What aren't you getting? That is exactly what he expects of his wife - to pay for his adult child while adult child struggles with little or nothing.

. . . while her adult child struggles with little or nothing.

Don't feel stupid Hope.
I'm still on my first marriage (twenty three years) and there are still timeS I feel naive and stupid. What things SHOULD be and what they ARE are too different things and life is not a TV show called the Brady Bunch. Life isn't fair and it never will be.

What I think is most important in this case is to recognize the contribution you do make to your marriage. I feel bad you think you don't you do (make a difference) and I would love for you to realize just how much you do and feel pride and joy in doing so.

Please remember that money isn't a good measure of worth.
Good and sincere intentions are worth far more than a thousand dollars a month. Perhaps at this time Husband does not think so. That's his problem. Not yours. As long as you know in your heart you do your best that's all that matters.

I stand behind what I said I thought you should do. Cash your paycheck. Support your daughter as much as you can. Contribute to the household..you don't strike me as the entitled type of woman (like the one your husband is raising) who thinks someone owes you something. You know life is not a free ride and you will always do your share and sometimes even more.

I also think it's important for you to have your own money to save, blow or throw it on the floor and roll around naked in it.

It's hard to know what to say in online situations like this.

I find it's better to be softer, kinder and more gentle in suggestions to people I don't know well. I tend to stay away from bold, angry statements and the suggestion that EVERYTHING should go YOUR your way or no way or encourage you to stand up or don't back down or DEMAND anything from your husband. This demeanor, should you choose to follow that line of advice, in the wrong circumstances could lead to violence or worse. Who knows what kind of life you (or any of us)live? Who knows what kind of man you (or anyone else) is married too. He could be dangerous and volatile. YOU could be dangerous and volatile (I don't think you are but in some cases it is the woman who is abusive and mean.) I know I couldn't live with myself if I found out my advice lead to harm or death.

That said, I still hope you can reach a resolution you can live with. No one can take your self respect from you darlin' and your daughter, for the time being, is your main responsibility.

You seem very smart and 'with it'.
A little sad and disillusioned...but smart as well.
I think you will be okay...

(Hope))

Good luck to you and your hard working daughter!

lORI

Are you sure he's sending $1000/month to his daughter?
Maybe it's really going somewhere else.

This is just one of those things that needs to be considered when marrying a second time, when you have children.

I don't think anyone should be expected to be financially responsible for someone else's child(ren). It's fine if one wants to offer, but he has his child, and there's absolutely NOTHING WRONG with a parent providing as they see fit FOR THEIR OWN CHILD, but not taking on the burden of someone else's. I can't for the life of me see why he should feel he has to send money to a child he didn't have anything to to with conceiving, didn't raise, probably doesn't know well.

Of course, your daughter is going to be the one who comes through this in the better shape--she's going to be so much better off, in the long run, for learning how to work, how to manage her time, how to shoulder responsibilities. It does boggle the mind to consider what a college student is doing with $1000/month spending money--as both a teacher and educator, I have to say, it's asking for trouble to put that much money in the hands of a child (and yes, a college age kid is still thinking like a child). That's a whole other topic, though.

But there's something else to consider here. With your situation--you making very little, giving most of it to the household bills, him having much more. AND his interest in his daughter's well-being (which, I repeat--there's absolutely nothing wrong with). Have you thought ahead? What happens if one of you dies or this relationship falls apart? He's making most of the money?--so what are you going to live on if at some point he isn't there? You're giving most of your money to the maintenance of this relationship. So where's your daughter's inheritance? And do you really think he's going to leave HIS money equally to your daughter and his? Do you two even have wills? (if not, you need them) It's time to sit down and look carefully at your own finances, and your own financial future, and what you'll be able to leave your daughter. Every woman should have her own money, in her own name. It's fine if you want to be the SAHM/W, or have a parttime job, but that should ONLY be considered if you have enough money, in your own name, in your own investments, to take care of yourself if that should become necessary.

And I follow my own advice. I've been a SAHM/W for the past 27 years. BUT I've always found ways to bring extra money into the household, I've got my own bank accounts, my own investments. And while I started with peanuts and pennies, so to speak--I now have enough money in my own name to survive for at least 5-8 years should I have to. And given the ages of our daughters, I'd say I'm only a few years older than you. In my case, I'm married over 35 years, and don't see anything but death changing that--still, it's important that a woman know how to make, manage, and KEEP (and grow) her own money. At some point, it is likely that most of us will be on our own, given that generally men die younger than women do. And I will say this--with a daughter of my own? I would NEVER become involved in a second, permanent relationship at that point. Too easy for your children to be cheated out of their inheritance, when a non-related person comes into the picture, I'm afraid, and that seems grossly unfair to me.

Best advice anyone can give you is to maintain your own financial independence, EVEN IF you're in a good solid relationship.

Do you live in a community property state? If so there is no his money or your money other than inheritance,gifts and assets each of you had before the marriage.

Bestlawn is spot on. The way things sit right now YOU are contributing to keeping HIS DD in the style she is accustomed to at your DD's and your expense.

Do you file a joint income tax return? Is he still claiming his DD as a dependant? What about your DD?

Have you continued your discussion about budgeting with DH? Obviously, your annual income is far different from my family's - because $1000 is both our car payments with some left over. I know things are more expensive in different parts of the country than here in the midwest [ok I watch all those 'how much is your house worth' type shows & am amazed at the prices!!!!]
I'm not trying to set you up for marital trouble -- but with the cash cow stop after college graduation? Or will it continue 'because they just need a little help getting started' --

If you set out to discuss 'your budget' - you could list options for 'cutting back' and list stuff like - eating at restaurants less often, getting rid of some of the toys in your life [those things we thought we had to have & only come out for use once or 2x a year], buying cheaper versions of 'whatever', going to the library rather than subscribing to 'netfix', magazines & book clubs... There are a lot of ways to 'live cheaper & still enjoy'

AND at some point -- bring up the topic of maybe cutting back the $1,000 - or at least figuring out where the kid is spending it -- he's not doing his child any favors by letting him/her live beyond their means ..

just work at keeping the tone about us & we -- not you & yours...

I'd tell him how you feel, but in the end, I think that if you want your daughter to have more, you will have to provide it, by working more hours, getting a better paying part time job or getting a full time job. If he wants dinner on the table when he gets home, then I'm sure something equitable can be worked out.

Before you got married, did you discuss how money would be treated? How you would decide on spending as a married couple? If not, you better start talking about it now.
Leaving your daughter out of it, I'd be resentful if I were asked to cut back, so that the daughter could have a big allowance.
40 hours whilst going to school is too much. I know. I put myself through school too and it was tough. UInless the job is giving her specific experience in her field, I strongly suggest she look for a better paying partime job such as waiting tables. It is hard work, but better dollar per hour than many jobs. The only exception would be if the job she is working is in her field.

Would he like to adopt me? ;-)

Seriously, my DH has 2 daughters. They were in their teens when we married and live with their mom. DH and I had a discussion before we became engaged regarding finances, especially as college was looming on the horizon. I have no children, but 2 nieces whom I treat well. DH and I at the time earned approximately the same. Over the last 8 years, my salary crept up higher than his.

Everything has worked out for us because All different scenarios were worked out before we got married.

I would suggest as others have that you both sit down with pencil and paper with nothing left out.

Good Luck to you both!
Dee

Thank you, thank you, thank you for the many replies and thoughtful conversations on this board. It's been three days now and I'm still upset but I see things more clearly, in large part because of these posts.

I'm still unsure of what comes next and I'm still unsure of what to do, but I know he and I need to have a talk.

I had hoped that a second marriage would be more like a first marriage where you're working together toward common financial goals and there is no his and hers but just "ours". Perhaps I was naive to think that. I'm a sucker for sentimentalism and I'm a firm believer in living "happy ever after."

Thank you again for listening and responding.

HF

I'm on your side and believe the same as you. He came to you as a package deal. You came to him as a package. I do not believe it too much to expect he does for your daughter as he does for his own. And, I consider it despicable that he arrange the finances and household spending to favor his daughter. I am accustomed to guys who take it upon themselves where there is no such issue and think this whole situation is pretty selfish of your husband, but it's water under the bridge now.

You need to make sure the two of you are on the same page, or that, in the very least, you know what page to turn to. Before the talk, consider your options, consider what you can live with and what you cannot, and consider what you will do. You will have to decide the two of you will live with very different ideology or to go your own way. Don't be upset anymore. It's time to move on from there now, and don't be angry with him or blame him either because he's entitled to the way he feels also. It's simply a discussion you should have had before the marriage, so live with whatever the reality or decide not to live under those circumstances. Of course, the ideal outcome is that you reach common ground and are able to stand strong together, but be prepared you may not like the reality at all. Above all, don't be afraid to stand your ground. He will only take advantage and misuse your weakness and meakness. If you approach him as the underdog, you will have lost at the first word. You are not the underdog, and he only has as much control as you relinquish to him. So yes, I am talking about the finances as also belonging to you - as if all the money is yours because it is. Otherwise, what on earth is marriage? The alternative to me either sounds like slavery, employer/employee relationship, or prostitution. Yes, I said it. LOL

If it were me, I would tell him how hurt I was and why. Then, I'd tell him what I want, expect, and how I thought things would be. Then, I would ask him what he wants and expects. To me, the marriage comes first, the two of you are the priority. The children from both sides come second and are equal in that category. You were not born to support his daughter, nor him yours. You are supposed to be the spoiled one, the beloved and treasured wife of this man.

I wish you well and truly hope it all works out so you both are happy together for the rest of forever.

errrr
How do you spell meekness? hahahaha

If he wants/likes you home to cook the meals, then you can't have a full time job. Is/was that secretly his intention? To keep you dependent on him?
If money's tight, he should cut back on his spending. 1st place would be the amount sent to his daughter. I agree. You should be saving something for your own security in the future.
Leslie

I just wanted to add a few thoughts that have occurred since I first posted

As some others have said, it sounds as if your current husband is trying to control you. He's doing it with a velvet glove--telling you how much he loves coming home to you and a cooked dinner--but he's still keeping you from working fulltime. I bet the gentle approach would change in a hurry if you expressed an intent to extend your hours.

Secondly--I still don't think your new husband has to be responsible for YOUR daughter. Nor do I understand why you're so put out with him? Your anger is misplaced. The man who SHOULD be helping your adult daughter is her OWN father. Why are you making excuses and letting him off the hook, but expecting a non-related man to pick up the tab for your daughter? That I don't understand. I don't care how tight jobs are, there is always some way for a person to make money--even if they babysit, or pick up cans along the highway. Your EX husband is the one you should be going after to lend your daughter a hand, if she needs one.

However, as I did mention before--there's nothing whatsoever wrong with a kid working to put themself through school. Look at the kids who graduate--the ones who truly appreciate their education, and make it work for them are generally the ones who had to work to get it. Kids who are handed everything don't magically graduate with the kind of work ethic necessary to be truly successful. My dd worked 30-40 hours (often many more) every week, as a server in a busy family restaurant, the whole time she was in college. She didn't even miss a single day's work or school when she was in a serious car accident that left her with a herniated disk in her back. She's now the kind of employee that businesses fight over trying to get to work for them, because she's very dedicated, hardworking and loyal.

Don't be too anxious to give your daughter a cushy ride--it rarely turns out well, in the cases I've seen.

Hopeful, your posts have made me sad because I think you are being taken advantage of. Maybe not intentionally, but you are. I think it will take a sit down and talk and that in turn may lead to a big blowup. I get the feeling you do not like confrontation so be prepared. I sure hope it all works out for you and I DO NOT think you are being selfish or unreasonable to expect your kids to be treated equally.

You may only work part time outside the home, but that plus being a homemaker, wife and mother is fulltime PLUS.

Hugs,
Mammie

I don't think your second husband should be financially for your daughter, but in a blended family there is no rule that says if he cares for her he couldn't help her out a little bit.

BUT, I think he should be responsible for enough of the household bills that there is extra from your salary to send your DD some $$ every month. Right now you're sending her $25 a week and he's sending his DD $250 a week. Big difference there.
It bothers me that he's telling you to cut down on spending, which implies that the $$ you're sending your DD is frivolous.

As a show of his love for you and your blended family I'd think he could reduce his DD's cash to $200 a week and send your daughter $25-$50 a week.

You didn't mention whether there is a close relationship between the 2 girls. Is there?

"I don't understand women splitting it down the middle or taking on "her share" especially when he earns so much more."

I must be very old-fashioned or blissfully ignorant, and I absolutely agree with the above statement. If it was me and I were asked to be in a relationship like hopefull's, I wouldn't be married...I'd get a roommate or a dog. Women usually marry for love, while men usually marry to have someone take care of them, especially older men. Not that the men don't love their wives, but men look to their wives to keep it all happy and light. He loves coming home to a nice dinner. So do we, but most of the times it's the women who do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, and general housekeeping. That's a job, for goodness sake, and if he's asking hopefull to only work part-time, he should be willing to "supplement" her income, so to speak. What I would do if I were hopefull is work full-time, send her daughter as much as she can (she'll be making more $$), let her husband know that now the housework, etc., will be divvied up fairly, and look for a good lawyer. No disrespect meant, but he's already deceived her once. There will be a next time unless she nips it in the bud and sets some fair and equitable guidelines.
And I am saying this from experience. I understood and he understood how things would be prior to the marriage. No secrets here.

"If it was me and I were asked to be in a relationship like hopefull's, I wouldn't be married...I'd get a roommate or a dog."

Ooops! I must have been typing way too fast...that should have read "If it were me and I was asked to be in a relationship like hopefulls',

It reminds me of my cousin's second husband. Before they were married he gave her all kinds of gifts and after they were married she had to use her social security to buy groceries and whatever things she needed.

Both their mates had died and the two couples had been friends, but you never know what they are like until you marry them.

I don't understand any marriage where either partner has complete control of the money. I don't care if one works, both work or who makes more. Doesn't matter.

In mine I happen to be the one who manages our money because I am better at it. But I don't "control" it in the non professional sense of the word. We are married, not business partners. It isn't my money or his money. It is OUR money. The only "hidden" funds are accounts we hold in our own names for personal expenses and walk-around money and we both know what is set aside for that. I call it "hidden" only because it is a way to buy gifts without the other seeing etc. We also have credit cards in our own names but nothing is hidden. Vehicles are always registered to both of us no matter who drives them.

I know many women whose DHs gave them an allowance. They had never even seen their DH's paystub. When they got divorced they were left with very little due to their ignorance of his assets. Even though we live in a community property state there are several way to hide assets if you are determined to do so.

Along with their own credit history every woman (and man) should always know the full assets that they and their spouse have.

Been there, done that.

I was newly married (1st for me, 2nd for him). His kids were 15 and 18. We both sacrificed to send his two to college. But so did his ex-wife, and her husband. This was actually part of their divorce decree, and I knew it going into the relationship.

Our child together gets the same priveleges, of course. But what really blows my mind, floats my boat, and all other sorts of unbelievable!, is that my DH's ex and her DH, sent my son money for his university expenses. Not a huge amount, not at all, but clearly they didn't need to send anything! They simply recognized that I had contributed to DH's children's university education, and felt a need to reciprocate.

So this was very long Hope_full, but I think it is an example of "fairness". Your DH needs to be fair, and I don't think he is doing so. I, as a partner in a marriage, contributed to DH's childrens' university educatation. I expect nothing less from him, and hey, even the extended family - his exwife- helped. I know that's not at all common, but I would never let my DH treat our child as LESS. And I'd have been mighty ticked if he treated my child,not fathered by him as LESS.

I think you expect too little. I also think your husband "thinks" too little. He's not consulting you, he's not divulging his income and expenses. I would never live this way.

He's wrong. You together have joined families. One daughter is not more valuable than the other. Equal allowances, or no allowances.

This may be too strong a message, but I think I will let it stand.

Honestly, Mary C, it was not strong enough and most unlike you. I don't know what kind of nice pills you're taking, but this sure wasn't the time. Sorry, couldn't help myself because I cannot believe some of the responses here. I guess some women are stronger than others, and some may have more self esteem and more sense of worth than others. I need no longer wonder why and how on earth wife abuse is so prevalent in our society.

Mrs.Marv,

Some suggestions:

"Ooops! I must have been typing way too fast...that should have read "If it were me and I was asked to be in a relationship like hopefulls', "

You might choose to be alter the statement to:

"Ooops! I must have been typing way too fast ... that should have read "If it were me and I was asked to be in a relationship like hope_full's, "

Spaces by the dots ....

Hope full split her name.

Change in location of apostrophe indicating something belonging to single "hope full", not several of her.

Sorry to be a stinker - my only possible justifying plea is that, "You started it!", as the school kids say.

But - you did it to yourself. I didn't - I did it to someone else; not quite the same.

Have a great week.

ole joyful

Bestlawn,

Well, yes, I was a bit restrained, LOL. I was hoping to lead Hope_full to some place of power. I probably didn't. I totally understand that I'm lucky, blessed, and all that.

But Hope-full needs to claim her own power. If she continues to allow someone else to define her being, well, she loses pretty much everything.

Hope_full, get a clue! Both daughters need to be treated equally and fairly!

Thanks again for the discussion, ideas and support. I agree that both daughters need to be treated equally and that's the very reason for my upset and my original post. However, being so close to this and feeling so emotional, I came here because I didn't know if maybe emotion was clouding my perception.

It's interesting to see how many posters state that he has NO obligation to support my college-age daughter and the other posts state that of COURSE he has an obligation.

I am old-fashioned but I feel like the second group of people. This is a marriage not a business merger. This is a blending of two people's lives (with a promise of) 'til death do us part. These are (n a perfect world) OUR children and there's no mother walking this earth who can watch her child suffer an inequity and NOT feel upset and saddened.

I do feel like another facet is that my contribution to this household is not valued. I do enjoy being home but I also work 15-20 hours a week and do all the things that stay at home women do (cleaning and some cooking), plus I do a lot of good in my community through volunteer work. I'm not sitting in front of the TV eating bon-bons (although that does hold a certain appeal for me).

He and I both contribute to a lifestyle so that our home life is calm and pleasant and relaxed and I don't know that my contribution is valued.

Now with this daughter thing, I'm really starting to wonder about the future of our marriage. Above and beyond the financial inequities, I also worried that he's spoiling his daughter and I'm very disappointed that he's doing that.

Thanks again for the replies. I've read this thread many times and it brings both comfort and insight.

In conclusion, please don't worry about me. I'm not a withering flower or a mindless ninny. I came here because this problem was very upsetting and I felt strongly this was not right and I will not remain in a relationship where I'm not treated well and respected. This *will* have a happy ending. Just not sure when or how...

Thanks again for sharing your ideas. It means the world to me that strangers would open their hearts and minds to share their own precious stories and valuable life lessons.

HF

I'm one of those posters who said your husband has no obligation to support your college age daughter.

Please let me clarify my statement. What I meant was that while there is no contractual, legal obligation to do so he should feel a familial obligation to do so, if he indeed considers this a blended family relationship.

I'm with those that feels that what he is doing is wrong and he needs to rethink what he's doing and fix it pronto.

To hope_full ~ I apologize for the misspelling of your name.

ole joyful...while we're at it ;o)

"You might choose to be alter the statement to..."

Seems like you were typing too fast, too. There shouldn't be a "be" in there.

And I must be totally clueless because your following sentence is over my head. Am I missing something?
"But - you did it to yourself. I didn't - I did it to someone else; not quite the same."

Enjoy