Does he know how much all the bills are every month?

yeh he does like electricity bills can go about £40 - 60 a month and rent I pay £500 a month, car insurance I pay £1000.

What about each of you paying a % related to the amount you make. If you make 80% then pay 80% of the bills, etc? I know some people do that with success. I have been married 9 years and am in a similar situation where I make more and DH seems to kinda be slacking. I wish I would have addressed the issue in the beginning instead of waiting until now.

yeh i guess that could work. i'm gonna speak to him actually again and tell him about what u said.

thanks

what does he mean by "get involved in paying the bills"? Or by "wants to pay the rents and bills all by himself"?

Does he want access to the money in the checking account?

Does he want to be the one to decide whether you'll pay the gas bill now or make it wait while you pay the phone bill?

Does he want to spare you the frustration and burden of paying the bills?

Does he want to be the one with control over how much discretionary money is left, or over how much is going to savings?

Or is he uncomfortable w/the idea that he pays nothing for the roof over his head?

To me all these things require different reactions. If it's the last one, the answer to that is, "get a job that pays you better." And, the way to address that is to perhaps decide, as a team, that you'll invest his salary in training for him so he can get a job that pays more (don't overlook the trades; in the U.S. plumbers & electricians & reliable contractors can make a lot of money--they don't need college, but they do need training). As long as he's actively working at the training, then he IS contributing, bcs he's planning for further out.

Bcs maybe he doesn't have any idea of what other job *would* pay him more--maybe he agrees w/ you that his current qualifications won't get him any better-paying job. In which case, it's time to get him some different qualifications--and training is the way to do that.

If it's that he wants control, then you have other issues.

If he wants access to the money, you may have some OTHER problem.

One last thought: You wrote: do you think he wants me for financial support?

This worries me for you. Do you suspect this? Is this suspicion coloring your marriage? If I felt it, it would certainly color mine.

My DH is not earning much at ALL. He's had jobs, but they've always paid less than mine, and right now he's only doing freelance work from home.. I've never , never had that suspicion you have. I have a strong belief that we are a team, and that I am more to him than the breadwinner. He has areas he contributes which are not financial; I'm able to be the muscle in the money-earning department. But also, I know that he is married to me because he wants to always be with me in our daily life.

Also, we both think of our earnings (which we have always kept separate) as "ours." I use my checking account to pay "our" rent with "our" money--that money is only "mine" in that I'm in charge of using it for our family. He pays other bills with "our" money that's in his account.

If you don't feel that, I think you have a problem. Even if the problem is only your fear--it's still a problem. Maybe you need to get someone (like a marriage counselor or coach) to sit down with the two of you and help you communicate on this issue.

I agree with Talley Sue. My husband and I share "our" money and "our" bills. When We were married he took on my loans as I took on his. I actually paid off HIS school loans because I had extra money. However when I lost my job he supported me while I looked for work. We think of it as our money and discuss major purchases and how to save and what bills to pay.
I do think he would be upset if I didn't have a job though because there is no reason for me to be home. We do not have children so I should be at work. However if I told him I would like to stay home for a while to start my own business or something I know he would let me.
It is so much easier if the money just is shared and all necessary bills (no matter whose bills they started as) are paid. Then maybe have a discussion about spending money. We generally discuss things that cost over 50 dollars. It isn't like I would tell my husband not to buy something but I may suggest waiting a while until our finances are better. Our spending habits are equal though.
If your spouse greatly overspends what he makes by buying things he "wants" and doesn't need then that would worry me. I would want to discuss this and say that rent and bills comes first. however if the spouse is giving you all he has, but he doesn't make as much as you, then He is giving you what he has and that is just what it is. You should not be upset with that.
It really depends on exactly what is happening, like Talley sue said.
-renee

When we first got married, I was earning about one-third more than my husband. He lost his job,was unemployed a year,then went to college for two years to earn a BS in computers. While he was unemployed/a student, I fully supported both of us. Luckily we rented and our cars were in good shape. He got a good job with his degree, and over the years he got substantial raises and promotions. We pooled our salaries. About ten years ago, he was making about twenty percent more than I was. I continued working full-time even though we then had two children. Then came 1997. DH was in a bad car accident, unable to work for a year. He had just barely returned to work when he was diagnosed in 1998 with multiple sclerosis. He tried to work as long as he could,but his level of disability worsened and in 2002 he had to stop work. He receives Social Security Disability,which is less than half his usual salary. I continued working full-time, which including my commute, meant I was out of the house 52 and a half hours a week. It was hard but I kept working for the family and to keep our health and dental insurance. I was offered early retirement at age 53 this past August and I took it because I am completely "burned out". Throughout our marriage we have always had joint checking and savings accounts. DH also had the foresight to set aside savings accounts for our daughters' college educations . Just today he told me "the last 25 years of my life have been the best." All I can say is, no one knows what the future holds. Marriage isn't 50-50. It's 100-100.

Hi NisiTorrington: I married a great guy who had very little income and debts. I paid the debts, and became the breadwinner. I have no problem with that (he is past retirement and holds up the homefront). But he has no skills with money management, so I have a tight grip on the funds. That was hard to insist on, but in the long run it has been proven as very satisfactory. he pays the bills but I give him money in a separate account for that. he is trustworthy but no money manager in a comprehensive sense. I'd hold on to the control if I were you, since you are the primary bread winnder. Also, the laws may be such that if you mingle funds or any assett for that matter you may have a problem later on if things don't work out.

If your husband is able-bodied and free of disabilities, then he needs to grow up and get a full-time job. At least actively pursue a job. If the economy is tough, then so long as he's trying he deserves the benefit of the doubt. If he considers sending a resume every 6 weeks 'trying,' then you have a problem.

If it's "the man's job" to pay the bills and whatnot, then it's also "the man's job" to bring home the bacon. So if he's going to be old-fashioned, he needs to take on more financial responsibility on the income-producing side.

Whatever you do, don't let him completely take control of the finances such that you don't know how much money there is or where it goes. Generations of women have learned, to their cost, that this is an excellent way to wind up destitute.

I agree with pp -- do not give him control over your accounts....you will end up with a big mess. I wish I had known better nine years ago...similar situation...it didn't get better, but only worse my giving him "bills" to pay...they just didn't get paid. Letting him have checks and debit card to my account resulted in overdrafts. Now, he gives me a set amount to deposit every two weeks and I pay the bills - so now we are not late on anything. Is he seriously looking for a job? I would recomend you speaking with a counselor...maybe even alone for a few sessions to have someone objective to speak with. I don't know about where you are at, but here in the US, money issues is I think the number one reason why people split up and I know from experience it doesn't get better by ignoring it or hoping it will improve.