No way would I pay or be expected to pay anything, not when I was married and not if I were living with a guy. That's just the way I am. Old school I guess, and I know today's *modern* women (and men) don't agree. They can allow themselves to be used if they want but I never would. I paid something if I felt like it and normally I didn't feel like it. That it is a problem between you, I think he is being unfair and selfish without taking the fact that you have to maintain your rental property (at least 50% of the time that is) into account. And, it seems convenient that while it was not something of any issue for you, he insisted you move in with him......to help him pay his expenses but didn't settle the matter before marrying. hmmm Mighty convenient if you ask me.

I told you how I am and how I feel about it, which no doubt is result of how I was brought up. I was challenged on occasion by first husband and a guy I lived with but didn't budge no matter the pressure. You have to do what you think is right based on your own standards and principles despite what anyone else does. Based on that, it may be a very good thing that you kept your home to go back to instead of being trapped as he obviously intends by his magnificent ploy. He is more old schools than I am (being that he's older). I hope you won't allow him to get away with this.

The way you've presented it, I don't think you need to pay. However, it sounds as though he's expecting you to pay. A couple of points, though:

- Dan and I married under Dan's condition that I move into his house
Huh? Did you mean that the way it sounds to me? That the marriage would only take place if you agreed to his condition that you had to move into his house? That would've been a deal breaker for me ("I'll marry you only if you'll xyz"). That, to me, paves the way for what you're experiencing now.

- It sounds to me as though you have a very cold business relationship. It doesn't sound like a marriage. Everything divvy's up nice and tight - what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. A follow-on to the condition that you had to move into his house?

- You didn't mention whether your house is fully paid off. Dan's is. Not that it really matters to this story, just curious.

I think it's a shame that you talk about Dan's house and your house, but not "our" home. However, perhaps you've intentionally posted that way to more clearly explain the situation. That's fine.

Anyway, it sounds like he's expecting you to "pay rent". Actually, now that I think about it, that does flow with the way you've represented your setup. If he were taking in a roommate, it wouldn't matter whether that person had another house at all. If that roommate moved in with Dan, that roommate would pay rent. Sounds like he's expecting you to have the same financial arrangement as a roommate would.

Wouldn't work for me at all. NOT that I'd not do my part or contribute to the family home, but that's not what this sounds like.

I'm not comfortable with split finances either, since they seem to be a zero-sum game. But that said, the decision to keep your 'estates' separate seems like a pretty reasonable decision for two mature adults to make. Presumably, you each have children to whom you'd like to leave your assets upon your eventual deaths. So assuming that's the case:

- If you and Dan had not married, Dan would still be paying utilities (though somewhat less), insurance and taxes. So for Dan to ask you for half of the utilities bill seems pretty reasonable. For him to ask that you pay 'rent' to live in a house that is paid for quite simply offends.

- If you and Dan had not married, you would not be receiving any income from your house, and would be responsible for all of the expenses there. So by living with Dan, presumably your financial situation has improved considerably.

- You didn't say whether renting your house was at a net gain or loss, and IMO, this is a significant point. Do you have a mortgage on your house?

If renting your house is a net gain for you, keeping ALL of the profits and paying nothing towards your joint expenses seems unfair. But if your house is a net loss for you, losing money AND paying for part of Dan's house also seems unfair.

If you did combine finances, half of the income from your house would be his, and half of the bills from both your house and Dan's house would be yours. And that is what I would propose as fair. That half of the net income from your house rental (after expenses) go toward household expenses at Dan's.

I'd be interested in knowing his history with last marriage and finances. Sounds like this is a guy who puts financial security at the top of his list of priorities - relationships come further down the line.

Less important what anyone else thinks is "right" to do - more important is how you "feel" in this relationship. How HE "feels"in this relationship. Sounds like there's a need for deeper conversation between you two, not just what is right and what is wrong.

No way would I be paying rent to my husband. I am his WIFE, not a TENANT! He was paying the utilities, taxes, etc. before you were forced to move into his house and he can continue to do so now that you are married. I can also see as was previously posted keeping some of your assets separate, but all this should have been discussed before you agreed to marry. Marriage isn't about trying to make a profit off of your spouse. NancyLouise

This one has been bugging me all day...

Could you drag his backside to an estate attorney to draft up wills and estate plans? If it's his estate he's concerned about, and passing it along to his kids (and there's some validity to that, but then again, you're both still pretty young) -- Well, it would make sense for you both to put your cards on the table and figure out what 'fair' really means.

This is a marriage and not a business arrangement. So if your marriage is under threat because Dan wants you to pay your way, then I think you both need to come to a compromise. Surely both of you are at an age where you can to this without conflict ??

I think if you have set up your union in this way, keeping your assets separate, then that is what you have agreed upon. Perhaps the agreement needed more clarity before you married.

Nevertheless, perhaps Dan's insistence to have things the way he wants them, and no compromise, could be the problem with the whole relationship.

What is the big picture - what is best for the marriage ?

You had separate finances before. You have separate finances now. Nothing unusual about that. But there must be mutual understandings.

I assume your presence and activities within Dan's house amount to something. Cleaning, housekeeping, errands, cooking perhaps? In that sense, what makes you a "tenant" -- one who pays rent -- as opposed to a "housekeeper" or "personal secretary"-- one who is entitled to a wage? I would encourage you not to open that pandora's box. However, if he does, I wouldn't hesitate to turn it around instantly. Spouses often share expenses but they do NOT pay "rent".

Suggest you share all expenses (excluding taxes and insurance on Dan's home which remains his asset) but not "rent". I think "rent" within a marriage is an obnoxious term.

As time goes on and you may buy furniture, etc,. you must be careful to record what's his, yours, and "ours".

Your union can work just fine with separate accounts. Both of you should gain. Neither of you should have your assets depleted. "Rent" would be a net depletion for you because if you still lived in your own house, you wouldn't be paying it. I would resist that.

If you contribute to repairs and/or upgrades to Dan's house over time, that becomes your equitable interest in the property, too, which you'll want to record.

Overall, I think Dan's being kind of a jerk about this. He's creating more problems than he's solving. You may have married a pedant. If he persists, you may want to consider a "post-nuptial" agreement and put this nonsense to bed permanently.

How's the marriage going otherwise?

I must admit, if my husband was to start talking about me paying rent to live in his house, I'd either be moving back into my own house or insist that we both move into a third property and share expenses, if that's so important to him.
If you elect to stay in his house then I agree with asolo, it would be fair to share utilities, food, cleaning/bathroom products etc but not taxes and insurance on a property in which your husband clearly wants you to have no financial interest. Tenants don't pay taxes and insurance on the house they rent.
In any event you should insist on sharing chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc, or it becomes one-sided. One person shouldn't be paying to be the housekeeper.

If I marry, I give it my all or I don't marry at all. I expect the same of him. There are some things I will not do. I would not stay in a situation like you describe. I will not live with a man in his house because I never want to be in the situation to be evicted. If I live with a man without marriage we will NOT pool our money or have joint credit cards. I will not be called Mrs "John Doe". I will not pay for my own dinner if a man asks me out. I want the old fashion life and if he doesn't, we don't marry.

Linda, before you decide whether you will contribute towards the house. Lets look at the legal side of it. What state do you live in? In some states (like California) it makes a difference if you make contributions to the separate property of another. If you live in such a state it is smarter to contribute directly to taxes and repairs on the house than to contribute to food. You obviously didn't want to waste money with a prenuptual agreement which would have helped decide these issues, so let's at least put some thought into the financial side now.

I think if you are married and share the house and both names are on it then you should share expenses. But it sounds like you didn't combine anything and what is his is his and your is yours. i am unsure though why did you get married? it would be much easier to live separatelly and just date each other. you seem to live somewhat separate lives anyways. if he wants to charge you rent then you should charge him for cleaning or other household chores you do. LOL

Linda, your situation is similiar to mine in that we both had a house when we married. We were in our 40's and he moved into my house and we combined everything into one pot. I put his name on my house, he put mine on his, all money went in one account. I bought houses with inheritance and his name is on that also. It has worked well for us for 24 years. However, if he died and I remarried now that I'm in my late 60's I would not combine resources again simply because what we have is to be split with our children when the second one dies. That would likely get confusing if it was combined with another person. I think each person's situation has to be customized to suit them.