I've been guilty of enabling every one of my neighbors on my circle, as well as my backyard neighbors. It started out innocently - the neighbors to the east invited me to expand my shade bed into their yard (like I need any encouragement), and I put Bonica and Larry Daniels and Caldwell Pink over there too. Now they're hooked and I see other roses popping up here and there. Three or four other neighbors have been gifted with Rogue Valley mystery roses, since I tend to receive multiple cultivars of the same rose in any given year. Another neighbor who already had a few roses really got into it with me and I let her pick some of the free roses from RVR as well rather than picking ones for myself. She always mentions waiting to see me start pruning my roses in the spring before she starts on hers. My back yard neighbor's husband is the main gardener, and he always talked about how his mother obsessively sprayed and picked off the foliage of her roses and how he was convinced roses are "too much work" (sound familiar?) They got a "Carefree Delight" and a few other free roses gifted from me to get them hooked, and I think this year they're going to order a few more from Chamblees. I also got my sister-in-law in South Carolina some certificates from Roses Unlimited as a housewarming gift, and even though she describes herself as "not a gardener at all" she's really started to get the bug, and is enthusiastic about veggies as well other blooming plants. I also bring ziplock bags of alfalfa hay to anyone of my acquaintance who mentions having roses and wanting them to grow better or have more canes, so hopefully no one mistakes this for (ahem) illegal baggies of botanical substances. I love being a rose pusher, but that's my limit. Cynthia

I think you need two different approaches, one for your DD and one for your DH. If the idea of letting something go so that someone else can use it and treasure it isn't working, I'd stop that and move on to something else. In dealing with your DH, first I'd declutter your stuff as much as possible, which it sounds like you are doing. Then I'd tackle joint things. Let's take the 5 corkscrews. Let's assume they are rattling around in a kitchen drawer. And let's assume that no one really needs more than 1 corkscrew. And let's also assume that you are the main cook and bottle washer in the family, and that the kitchen is largely considered your turf. Approach your DH about the corkscrews. This time, give him a goal that you are working toward. "DH, I'm going through all the kitchen drawers. My goal is to clear them out enough so that I can easily reach into a drawer and grab exactly what I need without having to search for it. This will make cooking easier and faster and more pleasant for me." He should be willing to buy into such a goal. Why would he want to make cooking more difficult for you? "Now, DH darling, we have 5 corkscrews. They are all very nice. Can you tell me which one works the best? Which one means the most to you (sentimental value, actual value, whatever)? How would you feel if we kept only those two?" Note that you are letting him choose which ones to keep. If he fusses, let him pick a third one to keep. If he really fusses, "Okay, I can see that you don't want to let any of these go. That's okay. I will continue to work on the kitchen. Maybe I can create enough space so that we can keep all five. If I can't, then we may have to revisit this. Is that okay with you? Can you think of another solution? Would you like to think about it and get back to me?" I've found that if you make it clear that you are honoring the other person's wishes, *sometimes* they will, in a few weeks or months, voluntarily offer to get rid of some the things you were trying to toss. If they don't, then you make that thing theirs. You can do this with the CD set right away. "Okay, you want to keep these CDs because they look nice. I am giving them to you. They are now yours. You will decide whether to keep them or let them go at a future date." "But, I need to warn you. I am decluttering the family room. My goal is to have a neat, organized and easy to clean family room that only takes 10 minutes every night to pick up. In order to do that, it needs to be easy to put everything away, which means that we can't double-shelve the CDs and books anymore." "These CDs will need to fit on the shelves that we have decided will hold the CDs. That may mean that some other CDs will have to go. But we don't have to make that decision right now." What underlies making the contested object his, is that at some point, you will designate space in the house for all his stuff. A study if you have a room to spare. Certain shelves in the family room and garage and basement. His half of the bedroom closet. You also designate a certain amount of shared space for CDs and DVDs and books and so on. He can keep *anything* he wants in his areas. The kicker is that he's not going to be able to keep *everything* he wants. He's going to run out of room. That's when, in addition to the goal argument, you pull out the cost argument. Storage costs money. You need a certain size house to hold your family and the things it needs and wants. You need to buy storage furniture (shelves, cabinets, etc.) to hold all the things. Sure, you can keep adding more shelves, more cabinets, but at some point, the rooms are crowded and don't look attractive, because of all the stuff in them. Your choice is either to declutter or to buy more storage--rent a self-store unit, buy a bigger house. Storage costs money. Present your DH with a goal that costs money, money that could be spent on storage or that could be saved for your goal--a new car, a romantic cruise for two, college for the kids. And then, if all else fails, take the two corkscrews that DH has determined are most important and leave them where they are. Box up the others along with the CDs and store them somewhere out of the way. But not in a self-store unit, because you are saving money for that romantic cruise. And when the basement, attic and garage are so full that no more of DH's boxed-up extras will fit, some of them will probably be damaged enough that he will let you get rid of them.

My problem is not about marriage! Mine is about my eldest, who loves to degrade me, talk about me to her friends, get them to believe she knows me SO WELL, that whatever she says about me is absolutely the truth! She will tell me, she is JUST TRYING TO HELP ME,that I have problems, that no one knows about but her, then she blasted me on an internet page, (not in private) but so E1 could read it, about something I did 2 mos ago and saying the current incident is THE SAME thing but that she stood up for me anyway, when another family member I now live with said I lied,(which I didn't). Anyway,twice, she had asked me to live with her, to help me financially, after becoming disabled and was struggling but both times, it was a disaster, and of course,(I got the blame) even though I stay to myself, respect others in the home,tried not to get work dumped on me. But both times I got accused of not doing ANY of that! And of course,also, SHE IS ALWAYS RIGHT! If I would have my own opinion on ANYTHING...she would correct me, telling me and others how WRONG I am! We have mutual friends and I think she is also jealous of that! One of my other daughters has told her to stay away from her and her family, that she was no longer welcome in their home because she related her husband to someone else, that he is totally not like at all. A mutual friend on an internet site, doesn't talk to her anymore, and I recently asked her why that was, and she said she HONESTLY didn't know, she just quit talking to her? I just read the post on: "TOXIC Relationships"! And believe me, most of it has been going on for about 3 plus yrs. between us. I have stopped talking to her in the past, due to this behavior toward me but if she approached me and apologized,(which isn't often but she will do it, if there's a benefit in it somewhere)...or so it seems?...I have given her the benefit of the doubt and we have started hanging out again! It's funny how the very things she accuses me of, she does herself but somehow, the WAY she does it, is still better than me! I just moved out the last time at the end of Feb 11 and moved in with another fam. member because I had no where to go. She didn't ask me to move out but it wasn't pleasant, so decided it was best for me! (all involved)!I think she's jealous as I said about a mutual friend because I had asked her to go places with me without my daughter and so? Her and I get along! my daughter has told me to SHUT UP in public and embarrased me, and our friend said "respect her, that's your Mom". And she'd say, "I'm just playing"! For some reason she had gotten into this bad habit of saying this and even has said it to her husband making him mad too! However, she has gotten over that mostly! Her and her husband had their own problems and needed help, that's ok but now that they are, she advises others, as though she's all fixed and can/should tell others their problems and "learn from this" is what she likes to say now! I have made my mistakes ,I'm human but when I did said I wouldn't do it again and didn't but this last thing she decided to advise me on was similiar but not exactly the same thing happened but she isn't SAYING it but doesn't believe me about it! And when I told her she was wrong about it and me, she just kept going on and on about it and I asked her to quit, that I can kick my own butt all by myself. That I already felt bad about the situation and her rubbing it in wasn't helping!BUT she just kept on, so I said what I had to say and decided it was best to not talk to her and had to delete her off my internet page so I don't get her messages! It's too tempting for me to reply and I just don't need her "helpful" advise or hurtful words! I have felt like crap over all this happening! This is my eldest daughter! I've asked her to respect me, even if she didn't like things I DO! I don't go out of my way to say hurtful things to her! But even in common talk, she will begin YELLING..just to say something like she's anticipating a neg. reply before I speak, so I am already on the defense myself and YELL back! It is utterly ridiculous! ANd I have never liked it! But I can't get her to see her part in it! Even her best friend said,I dont argue with her, cause she has always GOT TO BE RIGHT! And her room mate that lives with them asked me a couple of times,"Why do you argue with her, just ignore her, smile and say BLESS YOUR HEART"!(but she either tells her off or kisses her rear end) and my daug. makes extra money off her for staying there? Well back then, I didn't realize the arguing is what she wanted to prove her point as to why she is always right! But if you tell her that, she will say "No she doesn't need to be"! SO, once again, I am having to just stay away from her,& not talk to her! It feels awful! But if I say look Im done, I can't take this anymore, you won't quit, she will say, "why do you treat me so mean"? "I do everything for everyone and this is how I get treated by everybody"! Gee, I don't know..hmmm!So here I am, on the net, looking up this problem to see, if I am wrong! But from what I've read, it is on her! Her own LOW SELF-ESTEEM, and she needs to do this! OMG, this is heart-breaking to me! She had me convinced for so long, that I was just a terrible Mother and making all these mistakes. Not when she was young, she had the utmost RESPECT for me! But as an adult, she has turned against me! And I honetly don't know why! She once said, she just didnt trust ANYONE anymore after her 2nd husband molested her kids!(13 yrs.ago and lots of counciling). That is where she lost trust! I can understand that but why me? I didn't do those things! Sorry this is so long but it DOES help to get it out! Without burdening my friends and family of hearing it ALL AGAIN! AND she doesn't WANT anyone TO THINK ANY OF IT IS HER FAULT! Never, ever,NEVER!!!! SO, I guess I do just have to stay completely away!?? That is so sad!She can seem so very caring and giving but I tell you, it will benefit her in the end! I did the best I could with what I knew raising my children, I have 4. 3 girls and one son! And the others don't treat me like this! And I'm not sure she treats them anywhere near how she does me! I don't hear all their conversations! Other than the other oldest(my 2nd) telling her to stay away since Thanksgivng I think? Or just around Christmas! By the way, she is 42, not a child! Anyway, thank you for letting me vent! Don't know if anyone has any comments or has had this kind of problem but it would be nice to hear whatever will help!? Thanks... CS

Raee - when you see boxes or frames with old photos, there is a way that relatives can be found. There is a facebook group called "Random acts of genealogy". You would be surprised how many people on there actually buy old photos from antique shops and garage sales and track down relatives. Some have even bought family bibles and tracked down relatives that never knew such things existed. I am lucky that some old family photos were passed down to us - we have charcoal drawings of my husband's GF and GGF. We have a tin print of GGGF, plus some other relatives had other photos of him. We have a number of others from husband's GM on his dad's side and her parents. I love looking at them, especially now that I am trying to learn about their lives in GA before they came to FL. Hubs would qualify as a SAR, and Florida Pioneer Family Member. He is 5th generation Floridian.