I don't understand why you say, "Because of Elin, we should just stay and take it, like she is..." or why you say, "IÂm wondering if there are different levels of cheating & forgiveness today."

I think if all of the facts about all of the people in the world over all of time were to be known, we'd find that there were lots of folks who cheated with only one person one time; as well as lots of folks who cheated with only one person multiple times; as well as lots of folks who cheated with a few people one time each; and lots of folks who cheated with multiple people multiple times with each; etc., etc.

Whether or not the person who was cheated on should "stay and take it," or "forgive and forget" is up to the folks involved. No one can know all of the details of their lives together except for them.

I do agree with Lindsey on this one.
It all depends on so many different things!!

I too have heard "the first time and I would be gone" comment, I don't know if I would or not to be honest.

Where do you draw the line? One lie and s/he is out? One bounced check? One cheat? One "insult"? Miss church one time? Forgot a birthday/anniversary? Seems to me it depends on the relationship and the couple's values, priorities and their relationship. Kind of hard to put a definite rule on this.

I can only speak for myself, but one cheat, and you are out of the game. Period.

Trin

Same here! If you cheat on me, meaning have sex with someone else, it's over! I deserve so much better than that!
Your spouse is supposed to be able to trust you no matter what!

So to throw in a "thinker" question...

WHat is your definition of "CHEAT"...Sex, emotional affair, what?

And the answer is that it's difficult to say until you're in the situation. Speaking from experience and an emotional only affair (on his part, and if even after 25+ years I find he lied...)....it was difficult, but we did manage..through counseling...to stay together, and build a soild relationship (okay MOST of the time). BUT the fear is still there, and I don't know if it always his fault I have the fear or my own insecurities. Trust me if you knew my husband you'd understand that statement.

BUT i will tell you...sexual cheating, one time..or more, no relationship is worth that. Or rather, to me, my self-esteem, self-worth is worth more than staying with that person and living with a doubt.

Vickey-MN

Hubby and I both agree... Cheat once and it is over... The trust would be gone. If you truely love someone, you would never do this...

Susie

I used to think I would never stay with someone, but kids complicate things. It's not just you it affects anymore. However, now I wish I had left after the first time like I had always thought I would.

I think it depends on the cheater and the spouse's circumstances. Maybe the cheated on one can't afford to leave the relationship, maybe there are children involved (like Kath mentioned), maybe he/she is aging and doesn't want to start over, maybe they understand why the cheating took place, maybe they easily forgive??

I also think it really depends. Hopefully, I will never be forced to have to think about this. With that said, I have known of friends that have forgiven each other and friends that have not. Of the ones that did there were circumstances that I can't imagine facing such as the death of a child. I think that the circumstances leading to an affair may matter more.

"Does it matter if you cheat on your spouse with Only 1 person and Only 1 time, or 1 person and multiple times or a few people/multiple times?"

OF COURSE it matters!

But if you truly love someone and they cheat, does that mean that you can just shut off the love? I don't know. But it would be sooo difficult to continue to have that special relationship with that person again. Trust is gone and would have to be earned again, if that's even possible. I don't know if I could ever really believe that it wouldn't be a recurring theme. I think it would be the death of my marriage.

The way I learned it in Sunday School is to try to forgive. If you can't forgive, then you go back to lesson #1.

Now, to forgive is not to forget. We may never forget. But we learn to live with the memories. But to not forgive eats away at your soul.

Forgiveness is an essential part of healing and growth and stress relief. You may not forget, but don't forget the lessons you learned as a child... forgive the sinner.

Here is a link that might be useful: Forgive for Good

You teach people how to treat you. If you take them back, they have permission to do it again. It is as simple as that. Forgive them, wish them well MOVE ON. People will only live up to the boundaries you set. In the day of HIV herpes, genital warts,all things that are FOREVER, anyone who allows another person to risk infecting them and or their future children would be out on his ASS, no questions asked. I do not care how long people have been cheating. History and numbers have no bearing. When it happens to you, is the only fact that matters. The rest is an excuse for poor behavior. I could take Tiger back, right after he is castrated. That part of our life together would be OVER, but I would expect him to support and love his family, even so.

To throw another twist in the scenario.... if there is cheating going on, is it best to keep it a secret or to confess? Would you rather not know or would you rather be told?

I think it's tough when children are involved. You want to be able to provide them with stability and with the same kind of lifestlye they are accustomed to if you would leave the relationship. Having said that, I don't think that raising children with someone that you have resentment towards is good either. I can't say for sure what I would do if that was something that happened in my marriage.

It's up to the individuals. To me, it is not just a matter of black and white. The other circumstances that may be involved. I think if you decide to stay and can get over the hurt and all involved, then that's okay. I went through it. I stayed. I have never regretted my decision.

So how do you feel about acquiring/giving STD's ?
And you might want to read the list at the link below..
But -- I agree that it's a personal decision based on many variables. Been there - left, came back - same old same old -- left and never been back.

Here is a link that might be useful: mens health cheating list

I think it's between the people involved. If it was me, no. I would dump him so fast and never go back. My health and self-worth are the most important things to me.

I cheated once, with one person. My marriage was already dead when it happened. DH was a workaholic; I was lonely, depressed, neglected and young. This doesnÂt make it right, but I felt so dead inside when someone else romanced me. I felt alive and beautiful for 20 minutesÂ.And I didnÂt do it for the sex - that was incidental. I wanted to feel loved & needed again, even though it was a lie.

I managed to keep it a secret for the last 4 years of our marriage. The guilt overcame me and I finally confessed. It was the "excuse" we finally decided to end it. I say "excuse" because there were many other reasons for us to end our marriage, but this was the nail in the coffin.

Being much older now, I can see it from different angles. I would never do it again, itÂs not worth it.

It's a tough issue to speculate on, but if someone cheated on me and I decided to stay in the relationship, a part of me would never totally trust him. I'd be wondering what he's doing when not with me. Would that be a healthy way to live and would I TRULY be happy, I don't think so. Let's say if I did decide to leave him, then I would still have trust issues in any relationship I entered into because of what he did to me. That's just me though, others might be able to move on and never have a problem.

I've found, from personal experience, (been married twice) that you can live at least for awhile, without love in a marriage but when the trust is gone everything is gone. You have to believe that your partner respects you enough to protect you from the outside world. This includes other women who want what they percieve you have. The other woman is showing the ultimate disrespect to a member of her own sex. Ultimate betrayal. Why are the women not being ostracized? Just because a marriage is having problems doesn't give them the right to compound them.

I understand the economic difficulties for children if a couple divorces, but that isn't the question asked. If you continue to live with someone who has betrayed you, you teach your children that there are no consequences for betrayal, nor rewards for being trustworthy.

I can see forgiveness in some circumstances, but once broken, trust cannot be made whole again. The bond is permanently damaged. Any 'repair' will continue to be a weak spot.

The deliberate emotional betrayal would be more hurtful than the sexual straying IMO, but either one proves that the person is not deserving of the trust vital to a *lasting* relationship. The original relationship is over forever.

I told my DH that if he ever decided there was some one he preferred to be with more than being with me, that I would pack his bags for him.

I meant it and he knew I meant it.

Never happened.

Sue

I don't believe in cheap forgiveness, but I do believe it is possible for two people to work through very difficult challenges.

Never say never.

I also agree with marilyn c sometimes things aren't so black & white.

ditto Marilyn C

I would feel worse if I cheated with a married man and jeopordized their marriage. I agree with Pris; what are women doing to each other? I wish they'd all stand up and unite; on many fronts!

First let me say I learned very young what cheating does to people,my dad cheated on my mother for years.Im quite serious about my marriage ,I love my hubby and kids too much to do that.But I toldhim if you do and I find out thats IT...Theres no leaving and when done want to come back,because if they do it once theyll do it again..

I wouldn't be able to stay... I'd be suspicious all the time. To me that says the trust is gone...

Matti-Know what your saying Im afraid my hubby will cheat on me.after seeing everything as a child.Especially with all my health problems and all.Its alot for a marriage.

IMO, "forgive" does not have to include stay in the relationship. The decision and process of feeling forgiveness is separate from the decision to stay or go. OK, it would be easier to work it out if you forgive. But you could leave and still feel forgiveness. As in "I forgive you, but I won't be in the position to let it happen again." Forgiveness is not the same as renewed trust. I can forgive an incident, but still not trust him again. Forgiveness is not the same as opening yourself up to being hurt again. Forgiveness is not a pardon from bad behavior.

I have no interest in speculating on the situation of any celebrity. Their celebrity status makes their relationships no more interesting to me than a stranger's. Just don't care. What Elin does is Elin's business.

If it was my marriage in question, I don't know. I used to think one time, I'm gone. But we have four kids, and I don't want to tear up their lives if I can avoid it. I would have to give it a lot of thought, consider the negative impact either choice would have on my kids.

The thing is, though, I really don't know if I could forgive. I mean, I am such a darn good catch for DH, I just don't know if I could "understand" why he would possibly be tempted to stray! The only thing that makes sense to me is that he spend every day trying to deserve me! LOL! ;o)

Speaking from the POV of someone whos husband had an emotional affair in our 19th year of marriage I'd have to say yes it is possible to survive it. We had counseling and in time I was able to forgive him.Our life together was worth saving.

We just celebrated our 40th anniversary......I have forgiven but not forgotten I have to admit.

We can theorize all we want but until we walk in those shoes, none of us can never actually know what it is we will do. We might think we will know and be quite sure in how we would react for the long term, but nobody ever really knows what it is they will do when a true crisis hits.

I agree with the poster that states "never say never".

I believe that marriage surviving something like this depends upon so many factors the woman faces - including the cheater completely understanding and *accepting* every angle of every single feeling of hurt, betrayal and broken trust he/she has visited upon the person he is supposed to love.

That is a long process for both to deal with and the toughest part of the reconciliation.

None of us ever knows the various angles of hurt our actions leave with another nor the depth of the hurt, we only see it from our own perspective. If we are the one who has done the hurting, that perception tends to be surface rather than deep because that is the way human beings tend to be. If we are the one who has been hurt, then the resulting hurt seems to be as obvious to us as the nose on our face. The inability of the person who has hurt us to grasp all the angles and depth of the hurt can be part of the damage that has been done.

I figure that if, after everybody has tried their best and time has passed and work has been done, if the offended person finds that he/she feels that what has transpired is simply unforgivable (and sometimes it simply is) then it's time to leave the relationship with as much grace as possible, knowing that no stone was left unturned - that leaves the future free and clear of unresolved issues from the past coming in to mess up future relationships.

IMO, it's NEVER ok to cheat. Forgive? That is something I feel a person needs to do for themselves, not for the cheater. I've worn these shoes...once. So for me, then and now... I'm very clear...You cheat... you are GONE.

Everyone will handle things in a different manner. But, for me, there are NO second chances. Life is too short to always be worrying or wondering, scared or suspicious.