My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

Oh My Gosh!! I haven't posted here in a long time but now that it's free again, I couldn't let this post go by because this is a constant source of distress for me (though I know most of it is my own fault): DS: 13--EXTREMELY organized--more so than anyone else in our family and VERY focused on routines. His friends sometimes tease him about it and frequently remind him that they get great grades, too even though they procrastinate and he should try it sometime. Two weeks ago, DS was flabbergasted that I never made my bed that day--he kept walking by my room all day long and giving us the "whale noise". Finally, about 6 pm, he couldn't handle it anymore and MADE THE BED FOR ME and he was so relieved. I couldn't help myself and told him "Dude--that is not normal." DD 10: RARELY knows where anything is. Though her room is clean most of the time because we make her clean it every morning before breakfast, she can't remember where she put anything! Arrggghhh--it is so frustrating. She is my artist and author. Those gene's have to be related! I'm not the most organized person in the world but I try really hard to help her develop those skills better than I did because I know it will make her life easier in the long run....... I always try to point out to her: "See, I'm putting the phone book back in it's spot so I can find it tomorrow." And, she has PLENTY of space and cubbies for her stuff..... It is one of the great mysteries of life how two children with the same parents can have such different personalities........ When it comes to organization I've failed BOTH of my kids..... Sigh.......

I'm curious what his behavior was like while you were discussing the Phelps/calories article. Was he enthusiastic and engaged? Or was he even then on another planet? Did he read it himself, or just listen to you? Were there any distractions in the room, like TV or another person, or something else he was doing? If this is a matter of bad habits, then fixing it is a matter of learning new habits to replace them. I have boys ages 15 and 12. It is the 12 y/o's routine chore to empty the kitchen trash can. When he was first assigned this duty a year or so ago, he would often forget to replace the bag with a clean one. I would just say "You forgot something." At first he would look at me for a few seconds, baffled, then his brain would get around to it and he'd get the chore right. Now he forgets every now and then, and all it takes is a word or a look from me and he's on it, or he remembers on a delay on his own before I get the word out. My 15 y/o must unload the dishwasher whenever it needs it. The time is random, just whenever I've run it, so it's not something he does at a certain time every day. But I might say "Unload this when you get home." He remembers most of the time, if he didn't do it I just say "You forgot to do something" and he does it with apologies. * If he wants me to take him somewhere, he ALWAYS remember! LOL. We went through a time when he would not put things away in the right places (I think he was trying to get fired). And my pet peeve, he would stack larger pans on top of smaller ones after my kindly worded instructions, then my sarcastic reprimand (you could stack the plastic rings when you were 1!). Finally, after having the stack collapse when I opened the cupboard, I made a big, loud mess: I removed every pan and baking dish and lid from the cabinet, dropped them on the floor, and said "Fix this!" That was probably 6 months ago, and it hasn't happened again. I know my kids are going to forget sometimes and make mistakes, but when I see a habit forming I try to redirect them. Nicely, then with a sense of humor, then I get harsh. I do not like to repeat my directions over and over like a broken record, and I do not. When I see it wasn't followed through, I point it out as a question. "What did you forget to do?" "Where does that go?" "What are supposed to be doing?" "Where are you supposed to be?" Then I wait for an answer. If they really don't remember, I give them clues, b/c I know they know, somewhere behind the distractions, they have that answer in their brains! In doing this, I think I am making them think for themselves instead of me thinking for them, and hopefully, just maybe, working towards initiative. If my DS left a mess in the sink after brushing, I wouldn't fuss about it, I'd just say something like "Dude, you left a mess." They get the hint. When I need their attention, I make sure I have it. I turn of TV, radio, close the book, remove the Gameboy, and make sure I have eye contact. I tell them and use gestures (like counting my fingers). Then I ask them to tell me what I just said. I do that with all my kids, 6 to 15, and always have. At the younger ages, I saying "Where are my eyes?" But I will even say it to the older ones when they are really distracted. My 12 y/o will look around me to see the TV even when I'm standing 2 feet from his face and saying "Look at me." He knows I'm there, but has no idea I'm talking to him. He can really space out if he is focused on something, from TV to a board game to building Magnetix. He just really doesn't like to give up his attention easily. He is smart, teachers use the word "brilliant" in math, logical and a problem solver. His mind is always working on something. So when I need to "interupt" his thinking, it sometimes takes a lot to make sure he is really hearing me or focusing on what I want him to do. I could see one of my boys answering "no, no projects due" and then later asking to go to the library or use the internet for some research for the project they "didn't have" a couple hours earlier. The thing would be when I asked "do you have a project" it might have been while he was on his way to the bathroom, or waiting to ask if a friend can come over... so his mind was waiting to talk, not listening. When they ask later, I can even hear myself saying "Do you remember that part 2 hours ago when I said: Do you have a project?" And the child will honestly tell me "You didn't ask me that." It happens, people of all ages don't always listen when their mind is on something else. But we can set up the environment to make sure our kid is listening first. I do it almost every day. I will ask a kid "Do you want milk or water," that's it, really, two choices. They answer, and I give them the opposite. Or I have to ask again "What did you just tell me?" B/c as soon as I asked the question, my mind was already on asking the next question or giving some direction. So I'd make a plan to correct one behavior of his at a time. Be consistent, ask his input on what helps him remember. When you have a conversation, like about school, sit down and make sure nothing else is distracting. Make sure he makes a lot of eye contact and restates the questions, answeres, directions so you know it went in his brain and didn't float on by and into the unknown. I think the stuff you're talking about sounds like either normal adolescent behavior or normal individual quirks. Some kids will have more "space out" moments than others. However, it's still change-worthy behavior, something we want to guide them out of as they mature. But if you don't see some improvement after consistent redirection and attempts to build new habits after a couple months, I might check with a professional. Sometimes a subtle problem can be missed for a long time. Like you, when I see my kids doing something (or not doing something) that seems so "clueless" I marvel at the fact that they do well in school. I also have days when I wonder what kind of employees they are going to make! I just have to harden my resolve to teach them self-management and initiative! LOL I also have to remember that their little neurons are done yet.

Maybe she could make contract with him, actually negotiated in a conversation, written down, and signed. It should outline the desired behavior and rewards, and the negative behavior and consequences. It should be for a limited amount of time, say 1-2 months, and have clear goals. The first contract should focus on a couple specific behaviors they choose as high priority. When that is fulfilled, another contract can be written. It should be posted as a reminder and followed through on. Then they have to have a conversation about what is expected of both of them. He would have some input in defining what is expected of him and what consequences he can expect as a result, good and bad. He is at an age when he doesn't look into the future far enough to consistently predict the consequences of his behavior. So he doesn't make the connection until it's too late that bad choices result in undesirable consequences. OR that good choices will pay off in the end. The process of creating the contract will get him thinking along those lines of if I do this, then this will happen. But it has to be consistent, whatever is agreed upon has to followed through it would have been a waste of time. I have not done this to that detail with my own kids. My oldest is 13 and generally talking to him is successful without the formality of a written contract. But I do think about the principles behind the method when I'm talking to my kids. This is a strategy I heard about in my education/classroom management classes many years ago. My favorite quick discipline is to make my 13 and 10 y/o boys look up big words relating to their behavior and write a short essay about it. Define it, but also explain how it describes their behavior, why it's a bad thing, how it effects others, how they'll avoid it. I get a kick out what they come up with, and I can see it makes them think about what they've done. Something about seeing the definition in black and white, recognizing it as hurtful, and seeing it applied to themselves... it gets to them. They've had to look up insubordinate, condescending, inappropriate, cooperate, and more. And it builds vocabulary. Condescending ended up on DS#1's standardized test a few months later! He knew that one! LOL!