Janet- I think TS and the others have given you a lot of support and advice. I don't think anyone once said not to help your parents. I think rather we just feel you need to rethink the way you are viewing this... change your filter if you will. Your original post gave me the impression that you felt you had to organize it FOR them, do the work FOR them, and do it all by yourself with help from DH. My thought right away was rather than doing it FOR them it should be WITH them. Maybe I just didn't understand what you were trying to get across? I agree with TS. And what you wrote in a later post indicates she is right. Your parents are very capable of taking care of themselves and of moving themselves. That comes across when you point out how much they have already thrown away and packed up by themselves. They have done more than you expected. While I think this is has the potential of being overwhelming, it really isn't your job. By that I mean, it is not your job to 'wrestle it to the ground' by yourself. Your parents will be the ones to direct this and decide what they are going to ultimately keep and not keep etc. It sounds like they are doing a great job and don't need you worrying about planning it all by yourself. In fact, I imagine they would be hurt to think that you don't think they can organize it themselves with some manual labor help from you. I guess what I'm getting at here is not a critique of what you are doing but rather a thought along the lines of - take care of yourself. Don't take more on than you have to or can take on. Allow your parents the luxery of your faith that they are adults and will do fine without your organizing FOR them. It seems that maybe you and your family, parents, sisters, etc who are helping need to have a pow wow of sorts. Sit down and tell your parents that you are worried about lots of stuff/smaller house and what can you do to help them. I imagine they know exactly what they need from you. And during this discussion would be a great time to provide your advice- a dumpster, no garage sale, etc. whatever. But as you said- every family is different. What would work with my parents will NEVER work with my inlaws. Each of us can merely offer some thoughts for you to take or not as you will. I think the idea of you and your siblings taking stuff that used to be yours back to your home is a brilliant idea. My mother in law can't throw anything away. Every year we go there we pull home several boxes of stuff to PRESUMABLY throw away. However, DH doesn't and that is another story. When I was a adult in my own home, my parents requested that I take all of my stuff out of their home. I think it is just respectful that if I want to keep it, I store it in my home. Maybe by you and your siblings taking back ownership of some of your old things would help. I also agree with much of what Steve O and Lazygarden wrote- be as efficient as possible. They had some very useful advice. When we moved my hsuband into this house and he is a saver to the extreme - we split up the rooms. I moved one room and he packed up the other. This gave me the opportunity to toss stuff and hm the opportunity to keep stuff. It cut the clutter we would have moved in half. Maybe you can do something like this? OF course, he trusted me then to know I wouldn't throw away anything he truly needed or wanted to keep. Whatever. It's late and I'm sure this won't come across nearly like I think it is. Good luck. Ginger

Wow, I know about hoarding old appliances. My mom (an 82-year-old widow)has four refrigerators. One in the house, three in the garage. One is totally broken, the other two plugged in and running. The story of the broken one is amusing: she had these three refigerators plugged in in the garage and running. She used them for her "extra" stuff. Sh'ed buy stuff on sale and keep it either in the fridge or freezer compartments. She even bought extra Valentine chocolates. Anyway, one month her electric bill was over $700. Wow! My brother came over, did some scouting around and found one of the garage fridges (with a huge freezer) was running constantly. The thermostat had broken and it just never shut off. He unplugged it and emptied it, found all kinds of old stuff, even an eight- year- old frozen chicken! Yuck! But my mom didn't want him to throw out the darned refrigerator because the town had to be called and she'd have to pay to get the thing hauled away. And so it sits in her garage, just a pile of broken metal. She also had an ugly old hutch in the kitchen. I mean, she bought it for cheap about thirty years ago. It was all ugly and the fake-wood veneer was severly chipped off from various dings and general use. She had my brother put it in the living room,tipped on it's side. Now it's just a plain eyesore. I dread the day she passes away, we'll have to deal with her fourty years of accumulations. But that will be another post/ rant...

I'm curious what his behavior was like while you were discussing the Phelps/calories article. Was he enthusiastic and engaged? Or was he even then on another planet? Did he read it himself, or just listen to you? Were there any distractions in the room, like TV or another person, or something else he was doing? If this is a matter of bad habits, then fixing it is a matter of learning new habits to replace them. I have boys ages 15 and 12. It is the 12 y/o's routine chore to empty the kitchen trash can. When he was first assigned this duty a year or so ago, he would often forget to replace the bag with a clean one. I would just say "You forgot something." At first he would look at me for a few seconds, baffled, then his brain would get around to it and he'd get the chore right. Now he forgets every now and then, and all it takes is a word or a look from me and he's on it, or he remembers on a delay on his own before I get the word out. My 15 y/o must unload the dishwasher whenever it needs it. The time is random, just whenever I've run it, so it's not something he does at a certain time every day. But I might say "Unload this when you get home." He remembers most of the time, if he didn't do it I just say "You forgot to do something" and he does it with apologies. * If he wants me to take him somewhere, he ALWAYS remember! LOL. We went through a time when he would not put things away in the right places (I think he was trying to get fired). And my pet peeve, he would stack larger pans on top of smaller ones after my kindly worded instructions, then my sarcastic reprimand (you could stack the plastic rings when you were 1!). Finally, after having the stack collapse when I opened the cupboard, I made a big, loud mess: I removed every pan and baking dish and lid from the cabinet, dropped them on the floor, and said "Fix this!" That was probably 6 months ago, and it hasn't happened again. I know my kids are going to forget sometimes and make mistakes, but when I see a habit forming I try to redirect them. Nicely, then with a sense of humor, then I get harsh. I do not like to repeat my directions over and over like a broken record, and I do not. When I see it wasn't followed through, I point it out as a question. "What did you forget to do?" "Where does that go?" "What are supposed to be doing?" "Where are you supposed to be?" Then I wait for an answer. If they really don't remember, I give them clues, b/c I know they know, somewhere behind the distractions, they have that answer in their brains! In doing this, I think I am making them think for themselves instead of me thinking for them, and hopefully, just maybe, working towards initiative. If my DS left a mess in the sink after brushing, I wouldn't fuss about it, I'd just say something like "Dude, you left a mess." They get the hint. When I need their attention, I make sure I have it. I turn of TV, radio, close the book, remove the Gameboy, and make sure I have eye contact. I tell them and use gestures (like counting my fingers). Then I ask them to tell me what I just said. I do that with all my kids, 6 to 15, and always have. At the younger ages, I saying "Where are my eyes?" But I will even say it to the older ones when they are really distracted. My 12 y/o will look around me to see the TV even when I'm standing 2 feet from his face and saying "Look at me." He knows I'm there, but has no idea I'm talking to him. He can really space out if he is focused on something, from TV to a board game to building Magnetix. He just really doesn't like to give up his attention easily. He is smart, teachers use the word "brilliant" in math, logical and a problem solver. His mind is always working on something. So when I need to "interupt" his thinking, it sometimes takes a lot to make sure he is really hearing me or focusing on what I want him to do. I could see one of my boys answering "no, no projects due" and then later asking to go to the library or use the internet for some research for the project they "didn't have" a couple hours earlier. The thing would be when I asked "do you have a project" it might have been while he was on his way to the bathroom, or waiting to ask if a friend can come over... so his mind was waiting to talk, not listening. When they ask later, I can even hear myself saying "Do you remember that part 2 hours ago when I said: Do you have a project?" And the child will honestly tell me "You didn't ask me that." It happens, people of all ages don't always listen when their mind is on something else. But we can set up the environment to make sure our kid is listening first. I do it almost every day. I will ask a kid "Do you want milk or water," that's it, really, two choices. They answer, and I give them the opposite. Or I have to ask again "What did you just tell me?" B/c as soon as I asked the question, my mind was already on asking the next question or giving some direction. So I'd make a plan to correct one behavior of his at a time. Be consistent, ask his input on what helps him remember. When you have a conversation, like about school, sit down and make sure nothing else is distracting. Make sure he makes a lot of eye contact and restates the questions, answeres, directions so you know it went in his brain and didn't float on by and into the unknown. I think the stuff you're talking about sounds like either normal adolescent behavior or normal individual quirks. Some kids will have more "space out" moments than others. However, it's still change-worthy behavior, something we want to guide them out of as they mature. But if you don't see some improvement after consistent redirection and attempts to build new habits after a couple months, I might check with a professional. Sometimes a subtle problem can be missed for a long time. Like you, when I see my kids doing something (or not doing something) that seems so "clueless" I marvel at the fact that they do well in school. I also have days when I wonder what kind of employees they are going to make! I just have to harden my resolve to teach them self-management and initiative! LOL I also have to remember that their little neurons are done yet.

The boy has been living with his grandmother for half his life, and all his 'memory life'. That is his home, his mother, his life, his stability, his comfort. Dad bought a house 8 months ago and there's not enough room for his son. But there's enough room for you? The fact is, and you need to look at it in the eye--he doesn't want to take care of his son. It says a lot about him. I'll let you think about what it means. So then there's you, and you pressure your boyfriend to do what he ought--step up to the parenting plate. Your boyfriend has made it very clear he doesn't want to, so he pushes the burden back onto you and pressures you to step up to the parenting plate. The truth is neither of you want to do the job (and I don't blame you if you don't want the job, it's a big responsibility and a lot of trouble--particularly when your partner isn't going to do his part). However, both of you are quick to criticize grandma and how she raises him. How many children have you raised? How many ADD children have you raised? A supreme court justice once said, "I used to have 9 theories about how to raise children; and no children. Now I have 9 children and no theories." You've invested very little into this relationship. Only a year, you are independent, you have your own house, you aren't hungering for a wedding and a family. Already you are pressuring him, he's pressuring you, things seem to be falling apart, you have the inkling that the engagement was 'premature'. Stop and think. And be honest. Nobody but grandma has stepped up to raise this child, not his mother, father or you. And you should not; because if things do fall apart and this child gets to depend on you and you leave, you will have done a terrible thing. His grandmother is doing fine, no matter what you think. She's his home, his center, his world, all he knows best. Don't meddle because you think things 'should' be different. If you really think things should be different, you need to find a different situation that fits your definition of should. That's the only way you will be happy. You cannot force a square peg into a round hole. If your boyfriend does not feel paternal, he does not feel paternal. Deal with the reality. It is what it is. You cannot pressure him into feeling what he doesn't feel. Any more than he can pressure you into feeling something you don't feel. And why is he pressuring you so marry so quickly, to move in, elope, whatever. Is it to get you off his back about his parenting? Or is there more. I say do nothing until you think this through more. He's not 24, he's 30. And he's immature. And he's not good parent material. And he's coming with baggage. A little boy with problems that are only going to get larger as he understands his situation better (where's mom? why don't I live with dad? is grandma going to die?). No you are not being selfish, you are being wise.