Yes, I agree. 60 is a pretty big event. In fact, we hosted a good sized party for my parents' 60th. It was done with their knowing about it and helping to plan. They didn't get to enjoy a 65th, so I'm very glad that we celebrated as we did on the 60th.

In your case, perhaps they dynamics are different. It's too bad that the siblings went and scheduled it for a night that you already said might be a problem. But given what you said in the rest of your post, would any other night have been more agreeable? It seems that you have personal reasons for not wanting to attend. That is absolutely fine - no stones being thrown here.

But - especially where you said that the inlaws have been experiencing health issues, perhaps you might want to give it a little extra thought. And if you decide not to participate, don't let anyone heap any guilt on you.

I think 60 years is a very significant milestone and I think it's nice that a celebration is being planned for your MIL and FIL. If it were me, I would go to honor them, but since you are unable to attend, then perhaps you and DH could honor the event in your own way.

Although from what I gather in your post it sounds like this issue of not going is more geared towards the pressure from DH's siblings. I know this was planned last minute, but I think you need to re-evaluate who this event is for and why. It sounds like the siblings are just trying to make this a special evening for all concerned.

It's hard to know how to respond when there's so much subtext that I don't understand, but I would say, in general, that I've never regretted putting aside my own needs and desires for those once-in-a-lifetime family celebratory events. I can stand anything for three hours. I just pack my patience and good humour and pretend that any unkindness bounces off me.

You know, Fun2BHere, that's a wonderful way of putting it.

I agree with Fun2BHere. I would go unless there was a huge reason for not going--and then I would make sure that all involved knew the reason and that I was sorry to miss this big event.

Given their age and health, this may quite possibly be your last opportunity to honor their marriage.

Amen, Fun2BHere!! Unless there's a whole ton of stuff you aren't telling us, I see no reason for you not to attend because you feel you're being pressured. They are your husband's parents, for heaven's sake. Is it the "giving what others deem acceptable" that's bothering you? If it is, give what you can--or nothing at all if you can't. But please go for your hubby's sake.

I can't imagine what would be so important that I would not be able to attend a 60th wedding anniversay for my in-laws. Put on your big girl panties and attend the dinner.

Yes, a 60th Anniversary is important, and it is too bad the couple is not in perfect health to appreciate and or enjoy it. They will probably enjoy it more than you think.

From the tone of your post, there is something going on that you haven't mentioned. Whatever it is, let it go, and go to the party. How could that be a bad thing? Apparently any night would not have been good for you, and maybe there are others who have valid reasons for not attending. Is your DH happy with the decision not to go? I expect if you don't go you will be criticized by the other siblings. So don't give them that opportunity.

Sound harsh? Yes. I should hope that every couple would be able to celebrate a 60th anniversary. I would have given anything if my DH and I could have.

Sue

"It's hard to know how to respond when there's so much subtext that I don't understand, but I would say, in general, that I've never regretted putting aside my own needs and desires for those once-in-a-lifetime family celebratory events. I can stand anything for three hours. I just pack my patience and good humour and pretend that any unkindness bounces off me."

Wonderfully put!

Personally, I do think a 60th anniversary IS a big deal, especially since you say they are not in good health.
I would definitely make the effort!

Hey, fun2b here, you said that nicely.

No one here can begin to imagine why you don't want to go. I suspect there is a strain among family members--maybe between your DH or you and someone else--but could it be put aside for just the evening? Your family wants you to be there so everyone joins in the celebration for your husband's parents.

I agree that a 60th anniversary is a big deal, especially when the honorees are not in good health. It sounds to me from what you have said that you like to be in control of the planning. As others have said, put on your big girl pants and go and have a good time.

I am also guessing there is more to the story that is not being told. Having said this, I would bust my backside to be there for my in-laws. My MIL was not a nice lady but she was my hubbies mother and the grandmother of our children so I always treated her with respect.. Our children knew how grandma was but showing her respect has taught our children a lot..

If your husband is the one that doesn't want to go then let him handle it with his family. You need to stay out of it.

Ummm. Why we're not crazy about going - it's just been a very difficult time in our home. We've experienced some property damage from the recent ice storm that we're trying to repair, also damage from the neighborhood elk herd. This is a long week at work for my dh (he works more hours some weeks than others), I've got some health issues (hernia #4 diagnosed today). I'm okay with our not going, and so is dh - we just aren't sure how much of an explanation we owe his siblings...I've lost both of my parents, so I really do understand the situation of wanting to see our parents as much as possible - I'm just not sure that this event will work for us.

Thanks for your input, though!

Could you just stop by for dessert and give them your best wishes?

I would definitely go - well worth the issues that will ensue if you don't go. Even if you go for only dinner - no drinks, no dessert. 2 hours of your time = priceless for your in laws.

Wouldn't you like others - your children?? - to honor your marriage?

The only way you can get out of this smelling like a rose is to host dinner at your house or if you live more than 1500 miles away.

Yes, a 60th anniversary is a big deal. I know if it was my in-laws, my husband's brothers and sisters would insist on knowing why he/we could not attend. The same would go for my sisters and brothers if it were my parents' anniversary party. There would be hard feelings for a long time.

We all have tough times from time to time. Put this aside for the few hours for your parents/in-laws. Parents only have a 60th anniverary once in a lifetime.

If you are set on not going then let go of what others will think. Your decision is yours and their opinions are theirs. From what I can gather you already know they are going to be upset with you for not going. The ball is in your court.

You sound really self-absorbed to me. All of your issues are trivial when compared to family. A 60th anniversary is a major accomplishment, and one fitting of a party. I only wish I could attend such an event for my parents or parents-in-law.

So you have health issues.....Big Deal, I had the largest
hernia my Dr had ever seen...That never kept us away from such an important celebration as Aunt & Uncles 60th. Aunt and Uncle are my in-laws and I love them Dearly.
What is one day out of a lifetime that you are against? I
feel sorry that you are so selfish, that family means nothing to you.
GRAB THE DUNCE HAT AND GO SIT IN THE CORNER!!!!!
Dolly

Clearly you don't want to go and/or don't see anything special in this milestone. I see now that you're not asking for advice as to whether you should go, but as to how much of an explanation you should have to give.

I really want to continue to try to have you understand the importance of going, but I'll let it go.

To answer the question you asked, given all you have said and the damage that will probably be done, anyway, I think that you should tell them what you told us. Yes, to give them no explanation at all will just lead to speculation and tension. The real reasons probably won't be looked upon any better, but at least then they won't be wondering. Hurt, yes, I think, but they will probably be, anyway. However, we don't know what the dynamics in your family already are. Maybe this is normal.

You wonder if you have to give reason that everyone would consider acceptable. Although I sympathize with your struggles, I don't think they warrant not going. Sorry, I couldn't resist one more try!

I'm sorry, but we cannot attend. Period.
I would not give reasons like you gave here, because they
sound lame.
That being said....yes, #60 is a biggie.

From someone who will be there in 2 more year, I would be extremely disappointed if my kids did not come, even if they could not stay long. We just never know how long anyone will be around. My dh has major health issues and he seems to get out to some events pretty good. We may not enjoy being around some of our relatives but we make do. We to have attended lots of events where we would rather not be at, but usually we tell them when we arrive, that we have to leave early, etc doctor's appointments, etc. You mentioned ice storm? Just thing what the 11,000 people who were evacuated in Minot ND from flooding are doing, many are still living with relatives, or in fema trailers or just trying to put food on the table. Just talk it over with hubby and try to make a decision you can live with.

Fun2BHere said it exactly right.

Your post is puzzling- do you really wonder if a 60 year anniversary is a big deal? You really don't see that as a huge and rare milestone? Their health problems don't inspire you to make sure you will be there for them while you still have the chance? You don't understand that most people push themselves through typical unpleasant life events for the greater good? There are many people here with more serious problems than you have stated who would still do everything in their power to go- myself included.

LindaKathy is right. If you decide not to go, do not give your reasons because they sound very trite.

I reread my post, and I still feel the same way, but I worded it more strongly than I meant to. I'm sorry about that.

60 is a huge event...reasons for not going pretty lame. I don't know which would be worse, not telling someone why you cannot attend such a momentous family occasion or telling them the reasons you quoted here. Yes, when one cannot attend a family occasion as big as this, a reasonable explanation like I have open-heart surgery planned for that week, is in order.

"I'm just not sure that this event will work for us."

It will if you really want it to.

Clearly there are more things going on than what you have stated.

we're having our 42n, and i certainly would rather celebrate alone with dh than try to have a party with sibs on edge with each other...

what about telling the sibs exactly what you told us?health issues, and work ARE important issues...

btw #60 is huge in this day and age...and some quality time with dh's parents sooner than later would be nice...

I'm sorry, Gladys, I agree with everyone.
I know you got more than you asked for. You were just
asking about how many reasons to give, but you know this
kitchen table is always going to give you their opinion,
and I have to agree.

I think deep inside you know that you should be there. Why else would you have asked the question here? Were you looking for support when you could not give it to yourself?

Sorry if this is harse, but you asked.

No, actually I don't know or think that we should be there. That isn't what I asked - if we should be there or not. Dh and I know that we aren't going to be there - and we're both okay with it. What I asked is how much to tell the siblings. That was ALL.

Dh is going to call his parents tomorrow and go visit them sometime after things settle down here - he thinks in a couple of weeks. Yes, he wants to spend time with them - we both do - but we don't think it's essential that we do it on the date of their anniversary. Since FIL is partly deaf, it's easier for him to talk to one person at a time - not a crowd.

I guess for both of us - and for my family and most of his family (including his parents) the 60th isn't that big of a deal. Yes, many couples do not make it that long. I know that. But why is 60 so special? Why not the 59th or the 61st? The traditional years for big anniversary events are 25th and 50th. This is neither. If this event had been a different day this weekend, another sibling/spouse wouldn't have been there.

I'm sorry that I asked this question. I've never heard such a lot of rude responses. :-( . I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but that's how all of you are sounding. And no, there isn't more than I've told you here - I can't imagine why you seem to be looking for dirt when there is none.

By now I'm thinking that a couple or three hours away from all your "problems" is actually what you need.

That would be a time when you are thinking of someone else and not your self.

I hope you will come back and tell us that you went.

Sue

I can't get into the should you attend stuff.

I know that I have said this before but I am just overwhelmed that a couple is actually married 60 years.

If they have been happily married most of these 60 years, how wonderful that has been.

uh, "Ummm. Why we're not crazy about going" -- are you two both spoiled brats or are there serious family issues going on? Geez -- their 60th anniversary is NOT about you and your excuses/issues, but to honor them. WTF? Maybe the issue is "If this event had been a different day this weekend, another sibling/spouse wouldn't have been there." An issue with a sibling/spouse is no reason to blow off your parents.

From someone who just celebrated her 59th anniversary, I don't really feel the 60th is such a big deal. And, yes, its a happy marriage ( altho murder has been threatened on both sides at times!), but to me its just a date on the calendar.

60th anniversary is a BIG deal, heck, the 50th is a big deal. A lot of folks do not live that long! If they got married when about 20 yrs old, they's be 80 yrs old on their 60th anniversary. Do you think they will be around to celebrate their 70th - Not likely! The odds are against that.

I'm sure your parents will understand if you can not attend, but you do owe them an expalantion why you won't be there. They'd be hurt if you did not supply them with a valid reason - don't make up a bunch of BS. They're old enough to recognize that. You don't have to tell the world or any of the pressuring relatives, but do tell you Mum and Dad, and do something to recognize their long term commitment. After all, they are your parents AND you were invited.

Do not degrade your parents happiness of celebration just becasue you're in a snit against someone else.

This is a once in a lifetime event.

Seriously,I thought this was a joke at first reading.
If you have to manufacture excuses as to why you should not attend then perhaps your presence would be a damper on the celebration anyway.
Best to stay home for you and the hubby.

It really is up to you, but Fun2BHere made a good point, and I would venture, that is what I would do.

Moni

Actually, Gladys, your initial question was twofold. Is 60 years of marriage a big event and how much of an explanation do you owe the siblings for not attending. They both were answered. Apparently, not to your satisfaction.

You mentioned in you last post that your DH will go spend time with his parents in a couple of weeks. You didn't mention that you would be going, how sad. Not trying to read things into your posts, but it's hard not to. Maybe DH would love to attend the event, but doesn't want to ruffle your feathers. I've been in that situation and it's not a great place to be.

Gladys, I could write volumes on presumptive and pressuring in-laws :) I married a man with 9 brothers and sisters 40 years ago and he remains close to them today - close as in talks to or sees approx 2 or three of them minimum, every day of the week. We do more 'family stuff' than anyone I know and I think collectively we could easily set up our own catering type service, we are so adept at big meals.

I would say - unless much more than a minor inconvenience - go to the dinner, participate in family. Be gracious, appropriately celebratory, don't risk hearing about the 60th you skipped for the next 10 years. If it's an evening dinner, you don't have to make it a late night, and you can't repair storm or elk damage in the evening anyway with daylight hours so short still....that work will be there for you in the morning.

A 60th wedding anniversary is a major milestone. With the limited facts you've given us, I'd advise going and not risking having regrets later.

Wow, some of you are a little harsh. Name calling? Really?

Not all families do things the same and not all families view things the same.

My family never gets together for Christmas. The HORROR! Maybe if it's convenient but we don't travel or make special plans. We just don't care. With no small children in the family, and none of us being particularly religious, we don't really celebrate it. Some families travel across the world to be together on Christmas, but it's no big whoop to us.

All families are different. Some families get together for EVERY single thing, some for special occasions, some never. When I date someone whose family gets together for every single thing, it drives me bonkers. Even if I LOVE his family, seeing each other constantly for every single tiny thing is just a lot of obligation. I don't particularly want to have the obligation to go out for dinner for Joe-Bob's second cousin's wife's daughter's graduation from college. My family isn't like that so I'm not used to it. I still show up with a smiling face if it's something important to my SO, but I don't neccesarily want to go in the first place. I have some friends whose family has a get together every single Sunday. They are expected to be there unless something big has come up. I love my family, but could not handle a weekly obligation for dinner on one of my only two free days a week.

None of us know Gladys' family. Maybe DH's parents aren't nice, maybe they don't really care about their own anniversary and haven't been able to stand each other since 1963, maybe the kids are dragging them out because it's something they think they are "supposed" to do. Who knows?? It's a little presumptious to think every family operates in the same way and everyone feels the same way about things as you do. Calling someone a brat and selfish when you haven't walked in their shoes or know how their family operates is a little much.

Gladys -- Some of these responses ARE very harsh (and that's even before I saw that someone decided to use "WTF"). I feel for you. And there's no reason to have anyone -- including your husband's siblings -- belittling or discounting whatever specific problems you have that are holding you back. (Yeah, folks -- there are always going to be situations that will trump your own little life problems and make them seem insignificant. But does that mean you just don't count anymore?)

I don't think #60 is a major milestone. 25, 50 -- yes. But I think some people make every year past 50 a milestone, whether it be for anniversaries or birthdays. After 50, what people are basically doing is celebrating the event just because it's a stark revelation of their days being numbered.

I missed a number of my parents' birthdays and anniversaries over the years, mostly because I was out of state. I could have bought a plane ticket and flown home. I didn't, and I have no regrets. There was another sibling living near them, if she and her family and my parents decided to celebrate -- sometimes they did, most times they didn't. But the fact is they didn't make a big deal out of each "faux" milestone. When the family was all together, we celebrated being together.

I sense there's friction in the relationships because you said the brothers-in-law or sisters-in-law didn't ask you whether that'd be a convenient night for you. That would have been a simple, polite thing to do -- before they tried to guilt you into going. If this was really supposed to be an important, special family gathering, why would they have put it together just in the past week?

I would just tell them that you're not feeling up to it, and, should you choose, you and your husband can make your own arrangements with your in-laws to have a nice dinner out at a time when you're feeling more relaxed and in a better place to spend time with them.

Your questions:

Is the 60th a big deal? Absolutely yes. How wonderful that you've been given the opportunity to celebrate a amazing milestone that few couples have the chance to reach. Please give your inlaws my sincere congrats on this amazing accomplishment. And I do feel so sad that you've apparently decided not to take advantage of this opportunity. The people you're hurting most by chosing not to go are yourself and your husband.

How much of an explanation do you have to give? Normally, for most social situations, I'd agree that a polite, we cannot make it would be enough. However, something like one's parents' 60th anniversary is so monumental, so important, that not to go DOES deserve some explanation. However, I can also understand your reluctance to offer YOUR explanation since it basically comes down to 'it's inconvenient'. For a 60th anniversary? Most would move heaven and earth to be there, most would get up out of their sick bed, most would be glad to take a day off from the clean-up you've described, because PEOPLE are more important than THINGS.

I'm sorry if you think my reply harsh, but surely, if your inlaws are celebrating their 60th, you must be in your 50s or 60s and you have enough life experience that you KNOW those of us who are appalled that you'd even consider skipping such a very important family event... are right.

I know it's not what you asked (I did answer those questions), but please, for YOUR and YOUR HUSBAND'S sake, please reconsider your decision. Your inlaws will be hurt if you don't show--but they'll get over it because that's what parents do. You two will have years of guilt that you cannot get past, because there's no good reason for NOT going to this very special family event. I'm not being harsh, I'm being honest. And just the fact that you asked the question, in the way you did, shows me you're already aware of the guilt you're feeling over your decision. It's not going to get easier. And if you're embarrassed to tell family members the reasons behind your decision, you need to think about why that is.

My understanding here is that you don't want to attend because it is an inconvenience, and not very important to you. Whatever inconvenience/unpleasantness attending this event will cause you, it is nothing compared to the issues you will have to deal with if you don't go, so suck it up for a few hours and go, if only for your own sake.

Elisabeth

Whole different way of looking at it here because my thought is for the Mom & Dad Inlaw. If it were hubby and me having an anniversary and a party was planned, we would both say, "You're kidding, right? Please say you are kidding!" Both our son and daughter would have the same reaction.

None of us are party people, but we love their company. Now it would actually be fun to have our small family stop in at noon with a pizza. Yet I do know one - just one - 83 year old friend who would like what this family has planned, as long as it didn't last too long. I'm just glad someone informed them of the last-minute hoopla. They may be the ones most dreading and hoping for a way out of it.

It's different strokes for different folks. What do I know? Just hope this works out very well for everyone!! There are even people decorating their homes for Valentine's Day as we speak. It's all so foreign to how hubby's and my family did things.

Nothing has been said about the anniversary couple not wanting this at all. The OP's issue was that she didn't want to go, and wants to know what she should say to the family about it.

Right you are Susan, though the third post did verge just a little that way. I am sorry.

I see where you got that from now. It just doesn't sound like there's enough to say the couple doesn't want the party- not at this point anyway.

No need to be sorry. We're just having a discussion ;)

I wish we (me and DH) had the opportunity to attend my parents' 60th anniversary. Unfortunately, my Dad died 2 months before it would have happened. We did have a nice party (at a restaurant) for their 50th. All 4 children, spouses and all grandkids did attend.

I posted earlier & I am posting again. My VERY Dear Mother passed in Nov 2011. My Dear MIL was turning 80 the following February. She tends to be very passive aggressive - I don't want anything and then when she doesn't get anything feels very hurt... She did not want anything for her 80th BD. I asked if we could PLEASE honor her on her 80th so we would not have any regrets! Please help us (the kids) not have any regrets! As long as I focused it on something other than her... it was fine.

My point - please don't create any anger from sibs or regrets on your part. GO TO THE DINNER.