You either accept it or get out of the relationship what you say will not influence him IMHO Then again he may have good reason for some of his feelings

No, you absolutely cannot change anyone's basic nature--and anyone who tries is just going to find out what it feels like to but their head against a wall. Never go into any relationship assuming you can 'fix' the other person--that's a great way to make yourself really frustrated.

Me? I don't think that's something I could put up with. It's definitely the kind of thing that can make bigtime problems down the road. You say he doesn't express his opinions publicly, but can you be that will always be the case? Can you be certain that some day he won't say the wrong thing, in the wrong way, in the wrong place--and it will cost him his health, his finances or even his life.

But beyond those practical considerations, I just simply couldn't respect someone like that--therefore, there's be no real solid basis for a relationship.

But that's me. You're going to have to look at the situation very carefully, and decide just what you are willing to put up with, what risks you feel are reasonable, if you're willing to possibly restrict your friends in future if they don't fit your SO's narrow view of who is acceptable. How would you feel if others assumed you felt the same way, simply because you are with this person? Would that be okay?

I agree completely with minnie...don't think for a minute you will change him.......There has never been a more racist person born than my Dad and he ended up with Italians, Mexicans, and African Americans in his family...not that he liked it but I think he got just what he deserved. He was the loser and he made all of the rest of us, twice as close because of his beliefs. I used to wonder what it was about himself that he thought made him better than the people he so rudely put down...

I agree with Minnie too. You can't change someone else's way of looking at things.

For me, this would be a deal-breaker.

Thanks all for your comments. I do not ever want to sound as if I am excusing his attitude. The only consideration I have been stuggling with is his past. He has had "life experiences" that certainly could explain a lot. Double the potential for predjudice if your family environment was tolerant as well.
What really got me was Azzalea's comment that what if my friends thought I shared the same feelings? I would be mortified.
This is really a tough issue for me.

It would be a deal-breaker for me as well. As mentioned above you either accept it or you don't.

Trish

Total deal-breaker for me. He wouldn't have gotten past the first date.

Deal-breaker for me. The fact that you're struggling with this indicates you're not comfortable with it and have serious doubts. Follow your gut instinct.

A huge deal-breaker for me as well. I agree with Caroline - one date only. I won't even put up with (so called) "jokes" regarding anything of that nature.

Susan

I would like to add one more thing for you to consider...right now he is your SO but if the relationship turns into something that involves children....do you want to raise your children in that environment....Thankfully all of our children live and grow up in a different atmosphere than some of us and haven't had to face the racism/hate just because they are "different"...but consider the possibility that you have a son or daughter and they want to date someone from another race? Believe me the kids of today don't see skin color or race the way many people do...How will it make you feel ...will you support your child or your husband?

He hints of prejudice. Possibly his life experiences would help explain his feelings.

Sounds like a deal breaker, but I think an honest discussion is needed, for his sake and yours. If you decide to break up, he deserves to know why.

There is always more to things like this than meets the eye.

Sue

This may not be the case in your situation but I've discovered that people who "have revealed some hints of prejudice" often have very strong opinions that seem to pop up frequently. But I agree with Sue that if you want to continue in the relationship an open discussion is necessary quite soon.

deal breaker -- sorry, but most of the world's problems stem [in my very humble opinion for certain] from people having to 'feel better' than someone who is 'different'--. While I'm certainly a white anglo saxon protestant -- I didn't realize what it was like to be 'considered shall we say different or less' until I spent 3 months in the heart of the Latter Day Saint's country. An eye opener for sure ..
While I'm certain he has 'reasons' or rationalizations for his feelings... maturity is moving beyond that and becoming more tolerant and forgiving to show who have been less than that to you..

Deal breaker for me too. As some one else said,
this may just be the tip of the iceberg.

I wouldn't bother to discuss it - I wouldn't want
to deal with it, no matter what he thought his
reasoning was.

Sorry

I know this is a serious problem for me. He is 54 and a veteran of several wars. I am certain a lot of this stems from that. He is just beginning to open up about a lot of painful things in his past. I guess I am just hopeful that in time things will reveal clues to the root of this problem. I realize I may not be able to change him, but we have had some frank and candid conversations that he admitted to never looking at situations from a perspective other than his own.
As far as children - it is doubtful for my future, but still a valid point.

People learn a lot from their families. He may have grown up around all that. It's natural for some people. I personally have ZERO tolerance for prejudice. Can anyone control the color they are born? No.

fil drives us crazy with his careless remarks...it's driven a wedge between he and our kids...and my mother drove me bonkers (we live in se mi) i was constantly repremanding her...if you want to live in constant fear a a friend might be offended....it was horrible...

"He's 54 and a veteran of several wars" what's that got to do with it, unless he's trying to score some kind of points?

And you "think" you might not be able to change him?

Honey, you're right. You won't be able to change him. Face it, accept his ignorant narrow mindedness or move on.

It sounds to me like he's got to many problems. A lot more than I'd be willing to deal with.
Leslie

thanks everyone...I think I am in for a long weekend. Gotta have 'that' talk.

I believe all people have some prejudices against others--whether it is race, religion, where others live, color of hair etc. We judge people so quick and forget/forgive so little.
As to your situation, could you talk with a non-relative, a friend who knows both of you to get other opinions. Like several have said, if he has some issues you feel unconfortable with, it may to be to your best interest to remain friends, but no commitment to a future life. Remember some people will tell you anything to get you to believe they have change but as a person gets older they sometimes get more critical. Little things pop into their head that could destroy the marriage.
You could write down the good and bad points, but if you do, destroy the paper. DO NOT LET ANYONE see it. Shred it.

Are his parents still alive? It probably be a good thing to meet with them if so. That usually is where the predjudice begins in many cases. You will know what you are in for.
Deal breaker for me though.

Trin

There are lots of people who are prejudiced in all races, altho whites tend to be the ones who get called racist the most. I agree with Minnie. No telling what caused him to be that way, and there is no changing him. If he wasn't extremely vocal about it and was a good person in other ways, that wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

Deal breaker for me too...I just dont understand prejudice against people that are different than we are...NONE of us got to tell God what color we wanted to be,,,how can we presume anyone is superior? Just my opinion.

"He has had 'life experiences' that certainly could explain a lot."

A "life experience" could be a legitimate reason for being angry with or prejudiced against a specific person, but not for lumping in everyone of the same race/creed/color/religion, etc.

It's a total "deal breaker."

From a dear friend or relative....

I am currently dating someone that has revealed prejudice with varying races.

I disagree with him on many levels.

I do not ever want to sound as if I am excusing his attitude.

He is not public with his opinions...but I know.

What if my friends thought I shared the same feelings? I would be mortified.

He admitted to never looking at situations from a perspective other than his own.

Deal Breaker...........

To find out just how stoic he is in his prejudices regarding other races, ask him this: if you were laying on the highway after an automobile accident, would you want them to transfuse blood to save your life? Blood is measured by volume/units and type, not by race! If he would not want blood given to him, he needs to get a form and fill it out ASAP - otherwise, they will transfuse blood based on his need and type designation. All human blood components are the same, whether from a caucasion, latino, asian or what EVER.

His attitude is simply sad for him and for those he is prejudist against - deal-breaker for me, too.

"He is just beginning to open up about a lot of painful things in his past."

Waaaay too much baggage. He's 54, not 24...not much hope of change. Run, Forrest, run.

I used to ignore/put up with it from 2 BIL's. It made me more mad at myself than it did mad at them. So I started speaking up. Probably didn't do an ounce of good but at least they don't talk trash in front of me anymore. Nothing sounds more ignorant than a bigot. Big time deal breaker!

This man has been called a bigot, a racist,ignorant and narrow minded. Sounds like some pretty prejudiced statements to me about someone we don't even know.

Veterans of foreign wars do have life experiences that the average person will never understand.

I have a question? If you were repeatedly raped and beaten by a tall blond blue eyed man with a crew cut would you not forever be somewhat prejudiced for the rest of you life against other tall blue eyed men with a crew cut or just that one? Be honest. Put yourself in the other man's shoes for once.

I agree with Marilyn C.

If you can't accept him as he is for his positive traits then do yourself both a favor and let him go.

I grew up in a prejudiced household. Fortunately, I had a neighbor mom who asked my why I felt I should also follow the same path. I was only ten but it was a life changing experience.
When I was in nurses training my best friend was black. My Dad knew this and said he trusted my judgement. When she needed a ride home from school I didn't call him. I was afraid he would refuse to let a black person ride in his truck.
When I told him about it, he cried and said he was sorry I didn't call because if she was a friend of mine, she must be a good person. I was still not convinced of his true feelings.
He got a terminal illness and his caregiver was a black woman......he told me, near the end of his life, that God had brought this woman into his like to save his soul.
People can change but it requires an open mind and a willingness to accept people of difference races, religions, etc. all have the same wants and needs.
Love, shelter and and a place to feel wanted and loved.
At least that is what I believe.

I'd have a talk. I'd ask him what exactly are his prejudices. I'd want to know to what extreme they are and why he holds them.
I, for one will admit prejudice. If I see 4 gang bangers walking towards me, you can bet that I'm crossing the street. They may be sweet angels, but I'm reacting to their appearance. That's a prejudice.
Life experiences do affect how we view people different from ourselves.
Interesting, Miriam's definition:
2 a (1): preconceived judgment or opinion (2): an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge b: an instance of such judgment or opinion c: an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics

I say have a talk with him. You have nothing to lose if you were going to ditch him anyways. He may not change but he may stop and think about things from a different perspective. My grandfather was predudiced against black people. I don't think he hated them but I do remember him calling them names. I say he didn't hate them because he ran a pizza restaurant and he allowed them in to eat so they were good enough to be customers but he still called them names. I grew up around this and have mixed feelings. I can hear different races being called names but I don't discount the whole race as inferior. Heck I have black friends, mexican friends, chinese friends, ect. If I hear them refered to as slang name, it doesn't bother me as I know they are just words and don't describe the real people. Heck white people can be an emarassment to the white race too. While we are on the subject, it really burns me up to hear Obama being called the first African American President. Heck he is half white so how can he be called African American. It is like they forgot he has any white in him.

A quote from the internet: "Obama can help lead us into a new era, toward a more sophisticated conversation about culture and race. He should be celebrated as our first African-American president. He should also be allowed to be Kenyan and Kansan, Hawaiian, Indonesian, Luo -- all the legacies that have made him the man he is today." I agree with this quote - let people be who they are and either live with it or move on.

We also need to remember that Tiger Woods is caucausan and black - so what. He's regarded as a golfing hero - few people have a problem with his ancestry.

IMHO, if one is prejudice regarding a certain group of humans, it may be sad, but justifiable. If we all were honest and looked within ourselves, we would probably find we are also prejudice about particular sects of people.

I thought about it and realize I am prejudice against gamblers - reason: my youngest son is a gambaholic.

I am also prejudice against drinkers of alcohol - my bio-dad was a bad alcoholic - a dear friend was killed in a car wreck this past Thursday night, while driving drunk. She killed a 22-yr. old man in the other vehicle - she leaves a loving husband and two small sons, ages 5 and 7.

I have now realized I AM PREJUDICE!

Has brain replacement surgery been perfected enough to be used yet?

ole joyful