It seems to me that you both could use a "coach" (i.e. marriage and family counselor) to train/re-train you how to fight fair and how to handle that period after an argument so that more damage isn't done.

Is there any end in sight to his week-end job?

Demeaning each other is usually a progressive activity and very destructive. It tends to get worse and worse and the hurt feelings won't go away at all - they'll just be stuffed down temporarily until another verbal attack triggers the whole ugly dynamic over and over again. The only thing to do is to stop participating in the argument. Don't respond. Dig down and pull up that maturity that you think you're lacking - it's somewhere in there waiting to be tapped. Be the grown-up. Walk away, fast, preferably to a therapist's office or a good bookstore with a large self-help section. You're not going to be able to reason with him when he's angry and you'll only frustrate yourself by trying. It's pointless. His perceptions are different from yours and you can't change that. Concentrate with all your might on keeping yourself calm and consider if this is really the way you want to spend your limited time on this earth. You have options, even if you don't know what they are right now.

These communication issues have burdened me in my marriage. I have reached the point where I can remain calm and composed, so things are better. Our last disagreement resulted in my suggesting that we write down (me) agreed "rules" about how to resolve conflict. I did that, and we have both agreed to abide by the rules, so hopefully next time there is a problem, we can "manage" it better and not be left with days of sadness afterwards.

Does anyone know of a really good book about communication, and conflict resolution in marriage ? I went to the bookshop to buy one - but there is nothing suitable - lots of books that are so long and "wordy" - just too boring to read. There must be something easier to read - that we could both read - and ideas ?

I hope my experience helps you OP. All the best to you.

I have two suggestions.

One: Get yourself some Al-Anon or Co-Dependents books. I recommend "co-Dependent No more" by Beatie. It's great about boundaries. The Al-Anon book is great even for people who don't live with Alcoholics.

Two: when times are UP (meaning, you two get along relatively well), you need to take advantage of those times. All the books say change has to begin with you--even if you think it should start with the other person. Give affection during those times when it's palatable: a hug, a kiss, an "I still love you." etc. That shores up money in the bank for when times are rough. We need to have more deposits than withdrawals.

It has become his pattern to become irritable with me early Saturday morning and when I become less than cheery after, he says I am trying to start a fight. The reason behind him being angry has been anything from: "you didn't take you're phone off of vibrate after work" to "I woke you up by accident and you didn't go back to sleep so you made me feel guilty."

He wants to make it your fault for his anger, and if he does not change this behavior, you are stuck with it.

You should just stay in bed until he goes to work, or the ubiquitous counseling is in order.

Cheri

John Gottman, a social psychologist, I think, wrote the book on fairness in communication as a predictor of marital success. All he needs is 15 minutes of video of you and your partner. If contempt creeps in, watch out!

WOW! I'm just glad I'm not the only one who feels this way from dealing with a negative spouse. I can relate 100% It feels awful!!! A Christian woman doing the best she to be calm and peaceful and praying daily for the Lord Jesus to give me wisdom and grace! Truthfully I often fail under attack! I have red buttons too and my husband knows each 1. Disrespect is a red button for sure! No doubt the way to overcome evil is with good 100%. I'm learning the best thing to do is to just walk away. Don't give them an audience!!!!!!!!

Agreed, Betty Maxey. My husband treated me like a dog today, and right now I can't stand to look at him. I'm tired of constantly being the brunt of his anger and I feel I have to walk around eggshells with him at times. I know marriage is not a dream life, clearly it isn't. But I want to be loved and cherished for the things I am able to do instead of the things I forgot to do or didn't do because he didn't ask me. I suffer from a couple painful disabilities, and I just was yelled at for not doing washing his work clothes he said he would do...3 days ago. Sorry, this is just a random ranting post. I pray and ask God to make me a good woman and a better wife at the cost of my happiness, but I get do darned tired. I hope in Heaven, God grants me mercy of never having to see my husband again. I don't want to me a subservient anything to any man in Heaven.

:(

First, you have to address the disrespect. Calmly say, "I feel disrespected when you (description)" you want to make sure you objectively describe the problem. "I feel disrespected when you yell at me," not "I feel disrespected when you are mean to me."

Find a time to talk to him about the anger and room issues. If he starts being demeaning, state that and ask to have the conversation at another time, when he can been honest, but not rude.

If your husband is going through a difficult period, adjusting your schedule so you are busy elsewhere when he is angry in the mornings or needs to cool off in the afternoon. If this is an endemic problem, I'd consider divorce.

This might be a nerdy thing to do, but I find writing an e-mail/note is very effective. My husband doesn't need to apologize or acknowledge he was in the wrong, but he usually takes on board the point and changes his behavior. In addition, I have plenty of time to compose my thoughts and leave out the non-productive or fight-provoking parts. Ideally, it would be nice to get an apology, but extracting one tends to devolve into a long list of each other's faults, which is never fun or productive.