Two parts to forgiveness.

1) Your part: You fess up, eat serious dirt, resolve and promise not to do it again. You speak and behave in ways that reinforce your resolve and do not engender renewed suspicion. If you don't mean it, don't pretend that you do. This is serious stuff.

2) His part: If he forgives you, that's it. He doesn't throw it in your face again....ever. He is not entitled to re-judge you at every turn and use it as a weapon against you when he's upset for some reason. It's over. It's a fresh start.

Basically, you both spill your guts to each other and agree to start over.

Problem is, the hurt doesn't disappear at once. It takes time. Getting straight after a discovered affair is difficult for both parties. But if you both want to do it, that's how it's done. Not everyone can do this. I couldn't.

I have a different take.

First, you without leaving any doubt, end the affair to your husband's satisfaction. this means ending it forever, no matter what happens to your marriage. If you have to call with your husband listening on the other end, so be it.

Next what you do is you allow him to ask any questions, and share any fears and "movies" he plays in his head - for a few weeks. Anything he asks, you answer truthfully, even if it will hurt him.

Then you make a commitment to be transparent - you anticipate his anxiety and you address it by doing things like calling him when you've been gone for an hour just to reassure him.

You've pulled the rug out from underneath his trust and you have to rebuild it together. This is not a one time conversation - this is many, many REAL conversations.

A therapist can help you with these steps. Read "After the Affair."

Amyfiddler...we think alike about this, but you said it better.

"Next what you do is you allow him to ask any questions, and share any fears and "movies" he plays in his head - for a few weeks. Anything he asks, you answer truthfully, even if it will hurt him."

From personal experience, I can tell you that this is not going to help alleviate any concerns he may have. He may play "movies" in his head about what he imagines transpired, but even if he asks (and he will), he really does NOT want want to know where/how often/what positions/etc. you "did" it.

as always, I have an answer for that. :)

The process of asking a question and receiving honest responses is what builds the trust - not the content of the question or the answer.

Most of the time, it is best for the betrayer to say to the betrayed, something like, "I know you want to know what cup size she is, but I'm concerned that it will put a solid image in your head. Are you sure you want to ask that?" Then, the betrayed can second think that.

If she says, Yes, I want to know, then the process of him telling the truth will be painful and yet TRUST building. Seems ironic, I know, but it's true.

You are definitely right donna, in that the betrayed needs to really think about what kind of information will be useful and what kind will be unneccessarily painful. Details such as positions, etc, will be foolish to ask (but need to be answered if they are asked) - but the same anxiety can be useful if the betrayed asks a similar but more useful question: "Was the affair sex more interesting, and can you ever be satisfied with just me and the way I perform sexually?"

Incidentally, almost always, the movie played in the head is much more dramatic and exotic and provocative than the truth.

The advice others gave was great. The only thing I could add is that you need to figure out why you cheated and correct the issues that contributed to you cheating as well!

Thank you all, those are great advices

When I am with him, he try to hide his feeling, but I can see through his facial expression bitter, sorrow, missible, anger, hurt, you name it. It created an atmostphere very unpleasant. I can't handle it. I just want to run away. is it normal for the atmostphere like this after the affair? How long does it last? and how can I handle this? please help

he also discussed with me that he's going to talk to the lawer that I was raped and sue the person that I cheated with. The truth is I wasn't raped I told him, he was mad and angery because I am not in his side? what should I do?

the betrayed said will forfive the betrayer, but they don't, and they never will. isn't that true?

after the affair, do you think the family will be normal happy again? how long the family will get back to normal? Thank you for your help

I'm sorry I'm not really understanding you. First off, you should never say a rape took place unless it did...that in and of itself is illegal. I have no clue why your husband would suggest that. Are you underage? It seems odd unless you were in fact, raped and are denying it, or your husband is in fact a very, very proud and controlling man himself.

I do have a different take than some here on complete honestly though. I would not be completely honest about everything.. of course don't lie about entire situations... but if he asks you if the guy was a better lover and he indeed was, I'd still go with "No, just different". There's no need to pour salt on the wounds.. White lies in some cases are best.. no body wants to hear that their spouse thinks someone is prettier or sexier, or better in bed than they are.

The complete honestly thing, to me, comes in with the future and living your life so that there is nothing you would have to lie about. So, no secretly talking to your friend/lover, or doing anything you may want or need to lie about.

You need to invest some energy into making sure your husband can trust you. And, let him be mad... I don't know what your fights consist of but sometimes you just have to accept that you're wrong and, more or less, take a beating. It's nice to think you can move on (but you weren't the one cheated on) .. and not everyone is able to start at that place. Sometimes some crow needs to be eaten and some anger NEEDS to be express. Accept that as real and right and part of the process for your husband. You simply probably aren't going to be able to have one or two nice discussions over a couple weeks and agree to move on with your life. His "forgiveness" is probably not going to take place over night so don't expect it to. Sorry, but if he wants to throw it in your face for a while, let him. I mean you don't want to be hearing about it 10 years from now... but personally I think you (or anyone that cheats) probably needs it to be thrown into your face for at least a little bit.

Going back to mom2emall and your last post, though, you need to figure out what was wrong that caused you to cheat... and his wanting to accuse your lover of rape really kind of scares me... (if I'm understanding you right). Why are you thinking he would even suggest that? Makes me think there is a lot more to this story than meets the eye.. but isn't there always. Why did you cheat?

"... he's going to talk to the lawer that I was raped and sue the person that I cheated with. The truth is I wasn't raped I told him, he was mad and angery because I am not in his side? what should I do?"

This is sickness...sleazy and pathetic. DO NOT cooperate with this fraud! No honest lawyer would do it anyway and, by the way, it's a criminal matter, not a civil one. The police will see through it in minutes....and then they'll be prosecuting YOU! As they should, if you try it!

If you two are going to move on, you've both got to fess up and own your stuff. If you're going to begin the journey with this hideous fabrication, I would suggest getting out now and being done with it before any more idiocy emerges. If your situation has deteriorated to this degree, I'm thinking it may be hopeless.

I think there may be a lot more to the story, asolo. I can't imagine why a man would suggest that unless there may be some truth to it.

First off she could be an underage foreign (or not foreign) bride... thus, making sex with her statutory rape.

Second, she could have been raped and is in denial. It is not unheard of. I posted a link.

I guess I just can't imagine that a husband could suggest "suing" the lover and that a wife would actually ask for advice about what to do about it without there being more to the story. I guess I just can't believe that two people could really be that naive about prosecuting an innocent person for rape.

I gotta say this post is just very odd in general. I can't recall a lot of posts with people saying they cheated and that their spouse is a 'generous' (good) person... Posters are usually complaining that either their spouse cheated.. or that they "had" to cheat because their was a problem with the spouse -- or at least are giving excuses for it.

...Just not usual for someone to take all the blame but then complain about the 'fighting' aspect of it. It's like she just wants to move on/forget about it without addressing any of the issues that lead to the cheating. I wonder if this was an ongoing affair (which is more usual for married women to get involved in) or a one night stand of sorts...

Here is a link that might be useful: Denial of Rape

Hi Carla.....just going by what she said. Otherwise, I haven't a clue. Like you or anyone else, I can easily imagine and/or assume all kinds of alternative scenarios but I don't think it helpful do that. If there's more to the story, it needs to come from her.

Hi asolo, Oh, I know... believe me, I know, you hate my speculation... I got that (well, I speculated it) from you a long time ago...I just find that, especially on these boards and in real counseling, what is said is almost never the real whole story or even what the problem is...

It may not be great to speculate but, come on, everyone is doing so when responding on these boards. Everyone is assuming some stuff based on their own experience and intellect... it just comes with the territory of offering advice.

I find asking more questions, and exploring other possiblities or alternatives scenarios will (even if those specific scenarios aren't the truth) often bring about more discussion and possibly uncover more of the truth. When things don't seem logical or you need more info., some times you need to question the facts. I'm sure you've seen in other posts how quickly 'facts' seem to change or how your interpretation of them changes based on just a little more information.

I think "speculating" on these boards is kind of more responsibile and helpful than having strong opinions on only the facts presented... especially when those facts don't appear to add up or be logical (which sadly they almost never do here). If a person you never met before comes to you and tells you a marriage story.. you gotta deep down know there's probably more to it, no?... You don't ask questions or speculate? You just go with what one side says and offer advice? Kind of boring and probably not going to be the best advice...

Go ahead... take a chance, dig deeper, think a little more, read in between the lines. If you had to guess, what do you "think" is going on here? Her husband "can't be both "very generous" and wanting to talk to a lawyer to "sue" an inncoent guy for rape... those facts kind of contradict each other and don't even really make sense as stated -even you caught the legal stuff.

And, as much as it bothers you that people just throw ideas out there and speculate, you may be surprised to learn that I haven't even mentioned my opinion on what I actually really think is going on with this poster... I would kind of like to see what the OP comes back with.

While I'm writing a novel, why don't I go ahead and ask the OP these questions:

How old are you?
Are you a foreign bride?
Where/with whom do you stay when you move out?
Is your husband a nice, decent person?
Has your husband ever hit you?
Do you work outside the home?
Why did you cheat?
Was it an affair or one night stand?
Does your husband know your lover?

Ah, Carla, you're a hoot. But if OP would answer those questions I, too, would be interested.

BTW, I always like your "novels" even if I sometimes beat you up over them.