I also have a cheating wife and I went through all the above. I would not give advice to anyone, but, I can share what I have found. The actual hurt diminishes in time. It doesn't completely go away. I made the mistake to immediately forgive my wife out of love, and according to her friend she took it as "I didn't love her enough to be mad at her". Your going to hear a lot of bull about it being half your fault. Unless you are a real bad guy, the problem is in her head. After time you will resent her. Not resent her for cheating, but actually resent having to "help her through her problems". If you don't have kids, dump her now! Life is too short to waste it on her. If you have kids, then do the counseling thing. Where am I after 4 years? I am tired of hearing about her being lonely. Her life is no different than mine, and I don't get that option. I am tired of compensating for what going on in-between her ears. I am not her mother or babysitter. When we have sex, in my head I still see her giving head to her first boyfriend, bouncing up and down on her second boyfriends lap, oral sex on her girlfriend, and going down on the last guy (friends boyfriend) for 3 hours because he had whiskey dick. Yes I made the mistake of asking for details. I used to love sex, now she repulses me. She is in a depression now and lives in bed when not working. I now have to live in a pig sty. Her nick name from her girl friends is "Fat, Drunk, Slut!" "Her" friends feel sorry for me. I am trying to figure out a way to leave her without effecting our kids. If I find the right woman, I'm outta here! F... Her!

When a marriage is in "trouble" and there is bickering and arguing going on between the parties, then there is still hope. The arguments occur because one or both parties still feel something for each other and want to fix what is wrong. It may not be the right way to go about it but the desire is still there. Many couples argue and fight and continue to stay connected. Perhaps it is their style but not a healthy one. The warning sign that your spouse is detaching and disengaging from you is when the arguments about your issues stop. When that happens it basically means that your spouse has given up. Men often times lack insight and think that just because their wife stopped beating the dead horse that everything is now fine and dandy. Not very bright women might think the same thing as well. When the spouse gives up and their personal problems which were the fuel for all the prior arguments do not resolve and never addressed in any sort of emotionally intelligent way then the marriage becomes at risk for divorce and/or infidelity. People who grew up in dysfunctional homes and that can mean anything from violence, emotional/physical abuse, yelling and screaming, unkindness, etc, do not learn the right way to treat themselves and others. They carry that baggage into all aspects of life later on including their marriages. They have been hurt by it and try to control their spouses in order to avoid further hurt. They do not trust and don't feeling deserving of it either. Men who grew up in homes where their father philandered feel that it is normal to cheat. Their family of root is their paradigm. Women who lost their fathers to affairs, can also repeat the cycle by tempting married men. Perhaps with the vindictive desire to get back at their fathers and destroy marriages. I think that as a result they feel damaged and dirty and feel everyone is the same as they are so why bother? Obviously, that is not a pleasant way to feel. Constantly on alert. Always measuring yourself from an outside ruler that is constantly changing. No internal mechanism upon which to judge. No wonder they cheat and argue and fight. Their emotions cause them to trip over their intelligence. Doomed to live an unhappy and defeated life! Actually, we are all at risk when we tie the knot. It is a crap shoot. You really have to know what you are getting into when you get married and being "in love" clowds our minds when we make our choices. That's just life.

Hi asolo, Oh, I know... believe me, I know, you hate my speculation... I got that (well, I speculated it) from you a long time ago...I just find that, especially on these boards and in real counseling, what is said is almost never the real whole story or even what the problem is... It may not be great to speculate but, come on, everyone is doing so when responding on these boards. Everyone is assuming some stuff based on their own experience and intellect... it just comes with the territory of offering advice. I find asking more questions, and exploring other possiblities or alternatives scenarios will (even if those specific scenarios aren't the truth) often bring about more discussion and possibly uncover more of the truth. When things don't seem logical or you need more info., some times you need to question the facts. I'm sure you've seen in other posts how quickly 'facts' seem to change or how your interpretation of them changes based on just a little more information. I think "speculating" on these boards is kind of more responsibile and helpful than having strong opinions on only the facts presented... especially when those facts don't appear to add up or be logical (which sadly they almost never do here). If a person you never met before comes to you and tells you a marriage story.. you gotta deep down know there's probably more to it, no?... You don't ask questions or speculate? You just go with what one side says and offer advice? Kind of boring and probably not going to be the best advice... Go ahead... take a chance, dig deeper, think a little more, read in between the lines. If you had to guess, what do you "think" is going on here? Her husband "can't be both "very generous" and wanting to talk to a lawyer to "sue" an inncoent guy for rape... those facts kind of contradict each other and don't even really make sense as stated -even you caught the legal stuff. And, as much as it bothers you that people just throw ideas out there and speculate, you may be surprised to learn that I haven't even mentioned my opinion on what I actually really think is going on with this poster... I would kind of like to see what the OP comes back with. While I'm writing a novel, why don't I go ahead and ask the OP these questions: How old are you? Are you a foreign bride? Where/with whom do you stay when you move out? Is your husband a nice, decent person? Has your husband ever hit you? Do you work outside the home? Why did you cheat? Was it an affair or one night stand? Does your husband know your lover?

"his wife cheated on him first, and apparently also has a lover, according to joe." ick. ick ick ick. This is just nasty. Since Joe lies to his wife, why does the girlfriend believe him? & why does the group believe him when he says his wife is "having an affair"? & if she is, why does that justify his behavior? The right thing to do, if there is such a thing as the right thing to do, would be to terminate one relationship before becoming involved in another one, & he isn't doing that. In effect, he's running around on his wife with a girlfriend & running around on the girlfriend with a wife. & your whole circle of friends is enabling him. Nobody, not your hubs & not your momma & certainly not a "friend", has any business putting you on the spot by coercing you to do something or to support or enable something that you believe to be wrong, something that makes you feel guilty or uncomfortable or ashamed of yourself. Tell hubs if he wants to cover for his lying friend, he'll have to do it without your help.... & you might ask him if it's just a "guy thing", if he covers for Joe, Joe will cover for him. ick ick ick. The person I feel sorry for is the wife: I'd bet that she isn't having an affair & that she doesn't know that all her friends are involved in keeping her from finding out about her husband's affair. I know conventional wisdom is not to say anything to the spouse, but in this day & age, the spouse can get more than syphilis or some such: AIDs will kill a person. I wish you the best.