I am not sure how you would ever regain the trust. I'm DH's second wife. Wife #1 was unfaithful, and left him for the other guy. And it's 12 years into our successful marriage, more than that since the failed marriage, and I can still see the anger and hurt whenever 'she' comes up in conversation (which is not often).

The hurt lasts so long, how does the trust get rebuilt?

(I also know he'd kick my butt right out the door if I did it!)

My feeling is, if you want to move on to greener pastures, get divorced, THEN move on. Speaking of which, The grass may be greener on the other side, but you still have to mow it!

Meaning, the new significant other may seem like "All that!" until you actually have to live with each other!

Alot is dependent on the situation itself. Was there something missing in the marriage? Do they still love each other? Do they want to work it out?

Or

Is is flat out one is in it for nothing more than a tax write-off, or a maid, or someone to dominate? Could careless of the outcome.

Having been there, we are working things out. Something was lacking and our communication sucked!!! When the act came out in the open, we discovered the underlying problem and chose to fix it. We are not perfect by any means, and we have accepted it. Not to be confused with condoning the issue or approving of it, just accepting the fact it happened. Now the hard issue: FORGIVENESS. This is where the trust factor begins to rebuild. Without this there is no trust, no putting it behind, or going forward. This act is the biggest act that needs to be accomplished first.

Counceling is a necessity, communication is a necessity regardless of how harsh it gets. You have to make an effort to think about what you have to say, so not to throw it back. You have to cry, yell, and pray. You become creative so not to fall back into the communication failure. You have to learn to lean on each other, and most of all you make an honest effort to try and trust.

With all this said, it is not an easy road and it will take time. Don't set time limits but try to understand how each feels.

I love my DH, but after what he's put me through with his behavior and lack of employment these last 5-6 years, i'd throw him out in a heartbeat!

If he survived my wrath, I would throw him out.

I agree with what TREKaren wrote '..if you want to move on to greener pastures, get divorced, THEN move on.'

Waddles, you echo my sentiments exactly, although luckily I've never had to test them.

Yes, I would leave him. I would never be able to trust him again. I have experience with an unfaithful mate and I just know that it would be over.

I thank God that my husband is so devoted. I am blessed.
Chantel

I would not bother with counseling, I'd end the marriage. We been married a long time and we work hard to make our marriage a good one. We've built our relationship on the basic premise of intimacy and trust. If either one of us were to destroy the trust (and cheating tends to do that) then the intimacy would suffer too much. I am so grateful that I can love my husband without reservation. I feel so safe and loved - if that were suddenly ripped away from me, I would surely forgive, but I would never be able to forget.

Denise,

Good point. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Maybe forgiveness can be done (for example, if kids are in the equation and you need to have an amicable situation). But just because you forgive, doesn't mean you can trust the spouse again. How does trust get rebuilt? Are there other offenses out there that destroy trust like adultery?

Guess none of us will ever know the answer unless we are in the situation ourselves.

I wouldn't leave - I'd throw his sorry a$$ out!!! This is not a mistake, error of judgment, seduction ... its all out deception and maybe I am cold hearted and relentless, but I could neither forgive nor forget. I have a friend whose husband cheated on her 8 years ago, she took him back and she admitted that her flesh still crawls when he touches her. She has been through counseling both with her church and outside her church and she just can't get past teh disgust!!!

Ladies, I hear all of you and I agree but what if he caught YOU cheating. What then?

Hi all!! I think that if my husband cheated on me, I would have a hard time ever forgetting it... I may be able to fogive him eventually, but the trust would be gone and It would nolonger be the same between us.

My brother cheated on his wife, and they have remained together, but it has been the roughest thing that they have ever dealt with.. Just don't seem worth it to me. It would hurt the one you claim to love to much and the one that cheated would be responsible for causing that hurt..

ROTNY: I would never cheat. I have strong morals, a commitment to this man that I made before my God and my family and I would never even consider it for a second. My brains are not in my pants. We have been married 28 years this month and the thought has never entered my mind. It is not as if I didn't have people that were interested in me - but I never allowed anyone to think of me as anything but a devoted wife. I cannot imagine what on earth would cause me to commit such an immoral, insensitive and self-centered act anymore than I could imagine myself committing murder.

My DH and I have had this conversation and he already told me I would be out the door so fast. I know that I would never be tempted to cheat. I have the companionship and relationship and children with the man that I want why would I even go look for it with someone else.

Rosie, waddles, thank you for your responses. I hope I didn't offend anyone. I assure you I wasn't suggesting that you might cheat on your husbands. I just wanted to see what it would be like the other way around. It's always about HIM messing up and HIM getting caught and HIM having to apologize. What if it were HER?
That "brains in pants" comment was harsh but I have to admit it was true. Men get in a lot of trouble over sex. Some of us have more control than others but given the right conditions any man would be hard-pressed to do the right thing. Not saying it's impossible...but difficult at best.

No easy answer to this one. I think a lot of people who THINK they'd leave end up staying and a lot of people who THINK they'd forgive find out they can't get past the pain. Each situation is so different - Was it a one-night stand? Was he drunk or hurting or just lost his job - or was she? Was he or she under unusual stress or - whatever. Also, if the person has been cheating for a long time, that makes a difference. If it is a one-time thing, that isn't great, but it depends on how forgiving the spouse is. No one is perfect.

I just read an article on humans and sexuality. Apparently we're all still acting like stone age people. Men are less hurt when their mates have emotional affairs but are really bothered by sexual cheating. Women can often deal with sexual cheating but have the most trouble when their mates get emotionally attached to someone else.

It looks like after all these thousands of years, males are still very interested in making sure their mates are carrying their offspring and not somebody else's. Women on the other hand, are more concerned with providing for their offspring, so they tend to tolerate cheating but work like heck to keep the man around to help support and provide food for the kids. (Human babies are the most difficult of all mammals to raise)

Just to make things interesting, I tried to tally the results from this thread. I couldn't tally alot of the responses. But as near as I could tell, more of us would throw our husbands out than would try to save the marriage.

This is just my humble 2 cents worth - but I don't consider cheating on your spouse a mistake. For me, rear ending another car or forgetting to open the damper when you start a fire are mistakes. Sleeping with somebody is a choice. But, no offense intended to anybody who feels differently!

Denise - you hit it right on the head!!!

Well, if for some reason I didn't throw him out, it would be like the movie "War of the Roses". I would make his life h*ll. Ex-lax in the brownies, itching powder in his shorts, etc... He would be **very** sorry. No jesting here, I'm dead serious. I'm a pretty nice person, but I have no tolerance for infidelity.

My first response that came to mind while reading this question was "HE'S HISTORY" but truthfully when I really thought ...I cant really say... one thing I know for sure is that my world would be shattered and so would my trust but most of all I would be sooooo HEARTBROKEN,just the thought of his tender touch and lips on another woman would slowly kill my SOUL..I thank God everyday for the blessings he has given him and I... True Love!

YES!!!!I dont have to think about it If I found out he was cheating if Im not good enough now Im not good enough later. My dad cheated not once 2-3-4 times I was always told if they do it once theyll do it again. I heard my dad tell my mother he would not do it again guess what...Of everyone thats cheated on their spouse that I know they did it again.

My first marriage lasted about 10 years. I thought I had a very good marriage, We both worked and tried to get ahead looking toward the time we would have children. Many times he worked late (so I was told). After our child was born, he became more and more distant and resented my asking for any help. I sensed something was wrong , but thought it was just due to alot of changes. I accidently discovered a photo one morning while putting money for a bank deposit in his wallet. When I asked about the girl in the photo, he told me there was nothing going on between them and he was so hurt that I would even think such a thing he just had to have some time to think it over---and he stormed out. After he left, my "friends" were quick to tell me just how long the affair had been going on. He denied that anything was going on, eventhough I caught them riding through town together. I didn't file for divorce immediately, because I thought I could forgive and we would work things out. Only when I found out she was pregnant did I actually divorce him. (Gee, wonder how that happened when there was nothing going on, LOL). After the D was final , he left the GF and wanted to move back, He seemed to be very sorry and swore it would never happen again. I actually took him back, only to find out about another GF a few weeks later. Between the pregnant GF, and his new one, it was time for me and my 1-yr old DD to move on. I have several years invested in my second marriage and I don't believe my DH would ever cheat. If he did-even once-he would be forced to live in those greener pastures. Today EX pays child support to me and both of those GF's. As for me and DD, we know he did us the biggest favor ever when he left.

Yep In a heartbeat!! I didn't the first two times that I found out he was dallying where he shouldn't be because of the kids... I look back now and wish I had... I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it on my own. Now things are different and I know I could survive without him.
But if I ever so much as get a hint that anything is going on again then he is so out the door and out of my life!!

3 strike and he is out and he knows this.

littlebit

That is such a hard question. So much would depend on the circumstances and how he reacted to my finding out. I have told him that he would be gone faster than an icecube in July, but in truth, I just don't know.

Kay.

Trust is very important to me, destroy that and you destory the marriage.

I wouldn't have to leave him, I'd kill him and bury him in the back yard.
J

When he is kissing you, did he kiss her like that? When he touches you, did he touch her like that? When he wrestles with you and does silly things that is just "yours," was it hers too? Did he stay because he didn't want to lose his possesions? Does he think about her when he shuts his eyes. When he is late, is he seeing her again? When his line is busy, is he talking to her? I can't handle that going over and over in my head everytime I look at him. Lu

I would be so p*ssed off that he exposed me to all the viruses the other woman had that I probably would come close to killing him and toss him out. Then I'd go crying to my GYN and try and figure out what I had to worry about now.

FatDaddy, swapping is a SIN, sweetie.

Yep, I'd kick him out. Several years back, we went to church with some people, had a little "click" thing going on----well, come to find out----when one of the guys was away, he was calling one of the other wives---the cheater's wife was looking at the phone bill, and there it was---

Here's how it wound up----the cheater's wife got a trip to Hawaii (he had a VERY good job) and the cheating wife got a new swimming pool.

We haven't seen them in years, but as far as I know---they're all still married. He did go before the church and say that he'd sinned, etc. etc.

Yes. Yes. And, Yes.

And that's why there's so many people erasing their thoughts with booze and drugs. They can't stand to face the actions they've taken in this life.

This is a difficult question. I think it does in part, depend on the circumstances. Years ago, I had a live in boyfriend who cheated on me. At first, I really wasn't sure if I wanted to kick him out or try to work it out so I gave it a few days to think it over. In that time though, his actions made it very clear what I needed to do. Like when the next day he said "Oh what? You're still upset about this?" and tried to turn it around as if I had done something wrong. The final nail in his coffin was when he tried to explain to me how I had no right to be upset with him. After all, he had just slept with her because it was his birthday and I had no right to be mad that she had given him a birthday present. Yeah, right.... Had he actually been remorseful, I might have tried to work it out. I doubt the relationship would have lasted though because I wouldn't have been able to totally trust him. As Ludene said, all of those thoughts would have been dancing in the back of my head. I do completely trust my DH but if he did cheat on me, after having been through it before with my ex, it would be difficult. I don't know if anyone can really answer the question though unless they are in that situation. There are to many 'what ifs....'

Amazing how creative an otherwise dull mate can be when you catch him in the act.My ex told me "I fell asleep on the bed, had too much to drink and she must have stripped me while I was unconscience.You know we didn't do anything cause I can't get it up when I'm drunk. I didn't even know I was naked till you walked in."I never was very jealous and used to feel bad for the girls because once he'd had them he treated them like trash(Good girls don't play with married men principle).Changed my tune when Aids , herpes and hep C came along and threw the bum out. I doubt that I would tolerate current hubby's transgresions if I knew for certain, although I may be a member of the Don't Investigate it Until you're Prepared to do Something about It Club.

Yes.

I have to consider the kids, and that works both ways.

Granted, it'd be horrible for the kids if we split up, and ideally, the best thing would be to work it out between us and stay together. However, I really think that if someone cheats once, there's a pretty good chance they'll cheat a second time and just be way better at hiding it, hm?

And the kids need to learn that a woman should not be a doormat. My daughter shouldn't take that treatment from a man someday, and my son had better not treat a woman that way someday. They might be furious with me for making the decision, but eventually I'd get the more important, long-term respect.

Theoretically we could simply not let them know it ever happened, which would be great if it worked. But they find out. They always find out, somehow. And that sort of disrespect has a way of leaking into other aspects of married life and parenthood.

So, yes. I would. No, wait. I wouldn't leave. I would make HIM leave.

And vice versa, yes, if I cheated, which I wouldn't, I would expect him to kick me out. I might hope he wouldn't, that he could someday forgive me, but I wouldn't hold my breath. Which is why I wouldn't do it in the first place. I can in no way fathom why it would be worth doing.

Even before I was married, and just dating, I firmly believed that if you were in a relationship and felt a compelling need to cheat, it was better to end the relationship first.

And I gotta say, my dear DH is probably the LAST man on earth I would ever expect to cheat. He has many faults, as do I, but that's not one of them. :)

LEAVE HIM! NO QUESTIONS ASKED & TAKE WHATEVER I COULD. PAYBACKS ARE A B- - -CH!

At this point in my life, I'd have papers served to him without a word. I wouldn't even bother to let him know I knew he was cheating. I'd just cease to be his wife. I'd let the girlfriend have him and be done with it forever.
Lu

yes

without trust there is nothing
infidelity, to me, is the kryptonite to trust
so, if dw cheated, everything is over - period -
she feels the same way

I hope i never have to experience that. If I did I think i would probably land myself in jail with the temper I have, then I would find myself in court pleeding temporary insanity.

I let him back into my life and I feel like a fool. He got HIV from his FUN and I am nothing but stressed. Should kick him out and let the skank have him.

insecure,
Are you okay? You've seen a doctor to make sure he hasn't transmitted HIV to you?
I would cut him loose, but I don'r know what your history is with him.

Emotional or physical affair - game over. He is out and is never coming back. I'd expect the same if I committed adultry.

I'd kick him out. I was cheated on before (while in a very serious relationship) and while I'm 'over it', I still have scars. It takes a very long time to get over and I'm not sure I could ever really trust the man anymore.

Part of not cheating is being self-aware. Many people have no self-awareness. Meaning, they don't watch what they say with other people and they don't watch what they give to other people. If you're married, you HAVE to work HARD at keeping the emotional energy IN THE MARRIAGE. None of this complaining about your spouse to some other woman - that's marriage suicide. It almost always leads to an affair because suddenly there's this understanding ear that lets you gripe and pretend all of the problems in the marriage are your spouse's fault (all marriages go through rough patches - that's why I HATE the 'the marriage/relationship was in trouble' excuse for another person to feel justified in interloping).

Anyway - that's why it's so important to be self-aware. You have to register in your mind when you're feeling upset, vulnerable, whatever - so you don't put yourself in situations that may tempt you to cheat.

One poster above mentioned being in situations where even the best men would be hard-pressed NOT to cheat - I say that if you're really one of the best men, you'll do everything possible to stay OUT of those situations.

Anyone swimming in shark-infested waters is bound to get bitten. Cheating isn't a mistake - it's a choice - no matter how a person attempts to rationalize it. It was a choice to 'make friends' with another person who isn't your spouse and give them emotional energy - to gripe with them and take their sympathy. It's a choice to put yourself in close situations with that person. It's a choice to feed your 'crush' for that person. It's a choice to then cheat with that person.

None of that 'it just happened' tripe... it only 'just happens' if you magically trip and fall on her and on the way down, your pants magically unzip and ... well, you know the rest, lol.

Infidelity is a choice, period. To me, that's a dealbreaker. I'd make certain that any man I married knew it upfront. I've been through it once - no way I'd tolerate it again. He'd be outta there - just as I would expect to be if I cheated (which I can say with 100% certainty that I NEVER would).

I have 2 grown daughters. I put up with my husband's infidelity all through our marriage. Don't think it won't affect your children. Both my daughters married men who have cheated. It is like they married men just like their father who could not be faithful, even if their life depended on it.

Would I leave if I knew what I knew now?? YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

I did not know it would affect my daughters in this way, and it is just killing me inside.

I don't think there are any good men out there. Really. My mother put up with the same darn thing. I think I have had my head in the sand all these years. I learned from my father how women were to be treated, my girls learned from their father, and I am assuming my mother learned it from her father.
I just do not have a good view of men.

I caught my husband cheating several years ago and I did not kick him out but I should have. Several years later I have caught him cheating again and now I have filed for divorce. All of this tells me that for the last several years of our marriage I have been a fool to give into his wants and needs.

Posted by Rotny (My Page) on Sun, Mar 31, 02 at 16:41

Ladies, I hear all of you and I agree but what if he caught YOU cheating. What then?

LOL good one. I bet the tune would be different.

Yes, I would leave if I caught my husband in a cheating affair AND I would fully expect him to do the same if I was caught cheating. LIfe is way too short to be in a relationship with someone who wishes to be with others. Marriage is hard enough without that added dishonesty element.

Trust/fidelity is bedrock. Without that foundation nothing can be built and, if built, cannot stand. Breaching it is fatal to the union. At least it would be for me.

Well...fatal? What about kids, houses, cars, businesses, entire lifestyle....everything else?

Complicated topic.

I know some people can heal and move on. I don't think I could. If I was the offender, I wouldn't expect it of my spouse.

I would give them one chance and one chance only to turn around and stop the nonsense. Everybody makes mistakes but repetition of the action is no longer a mistake.

JHMO

Here is a link that might be useful: MyPage

Oh, yes. I would never be able to trust him again. Life is too short to live like that.

My X-husband had emotional affair while we were married. well, he did not consider it an affair, but i sure did. and what do you know, years later he left his second wife for TOW with whom he had a full blown affair for at least a year prior to leaving his 2nd wife.

so if they do it once they do it again even if it is a different person.

My SO's X cheated briefly, confessed, he forgave for the chidlren's sake. Years later she had full blown affair that ended with her leaving for TOM. Now he feels he wasted years of his life because he forgave the first time.

yes, they always do it again. No point to forgive infidelity.