How to get DH to initiate sex

16 years ago

We are a couple in our late 30's and married for a couple of years, and dating for another 3 or so (no children). Overall I've always been the dominant one in initiating love making, however DH has at times done this, but only if I hold out and don't do it. I have a very high sex drive (always have) and at times it would be really nice to have him start playing with me instead of me always having to initiate, now I don't mind, but just for some variation it would be real nice.

I've tried hinting at how nice it would be and even telling him how I like when he starts playing with me. He used to be very shy about stuff like that and told me a long time ago that ex gf didn't use to want sex or he'd keep being turned down so he stopped asking. However, I think by now I've made it pretty clear that I'm not like that at or least I think so. If it were up to me we would make love daily and I've said that a few times to him.

He is a wonderful lover if I just play with him. Sometimes he even hints that he wants me to start playing with me by some things he does, but never says anything.

I'm kind of at a loss for how to get him to initiate it without having to wait for a week or until his hormones kick in and he will start hinting.

Is this normal and is it just part of a man's aging? Ie the interest isn't there as much so he needs me to take action or?

BTW I'm not a troll I just registered with a new user name. I'm normally very private about this and don't really know who to ask this otherwise so came up with this idea. Guess it makes it feel a little more private.

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Comments (21)

asolo
16 years ago
I'll bet most of the men reading this are wondering if you have a sister.
carla35
16 years ago
I know you tried hinting and it sounds like even sort of told him...but I think you just really need to tell him again. He may think that he'll just wait for you to be sure that you're in the mood. I would definitely explain to him how him instigating it would be a turn on to you too. Worse case scenario, he really doesn't want it that much but doesn't want to tell you no.

Either way, I don't think you can go wrong with having a real discussion about the whole thing. Isn't it funny how we are close enough to someone to have sex with them, but we often shy away from talking about sex with them.
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carla35
16 years ago
That was a good one, asolo! LOL
coolmama
16 years ago
"I'll bet most of the men reading this are wondering if you have a sister."

haha! Asolo you kill me! Are you one of them?

I think it is normal,exspecially if you said your husband has been rejected in the past. I agree with carla35,that you should just tell him that's what you want!
Or you could just try to tempt him into initiating...whatever it is he likes in that way,give him a glimpse of it! That's what I do with my husband,walk by him in a short skirt and give him a little wink or something.Next thing you know he is all in my business.
popi_gw
16 years ago
Asolo, lol, exactly what I thought.
sweeby
16 years ago
I'm thinking that you've told him, he's heard you, and further mentions of it would come across as 'pressure' and have the opposite effect. My take is that his sex drive is just somewhat slower than yours, and that if you want it more often, a subtle, tempting approach will be the way to make it happen.

I have a friend who writes little scripts for her husband. He'll walk in the front door and find a note and a few props, and she'll be waiting for him all dressed up and ready to play. (No kids of course)
icaris
16 years ago
well if you can find an answer to that, please let me know, because my wife is just the oposite, i have the high sex drive and its like pully teeth to even get her to think about sex. i would like nothing more to help you out, but im in the same boat myself. and by all means my boat is sinking fast..lol..
cupojoe
16 years ago
I think this in an issue in alot of relationships. One always wants it more than the other. I think that your husband needs to understand that you are a sexual person, and you need to understand that he is not. You knew that going into the marriage. It's not like he just stopped initiating sex, he never has. Don't expect him to become different. But, he needs to make sure you are happy. Instead of hinting at it, tell him flat out that you want him to take the wheel every so often.
linnea_j
Original Author
16 years ago
Thank you for all the responses. I think they have really helped me sort through what I think might be the issue. I don't think it is his sex-drive as if I play with him he is all game.

I haven't actually sat down and talked to him directly, but more tried the approach like: oh I like when you do that or you should do that more often etc. I just don't want it to turn into nag thing as sweeby mentioned. I want him to want to initiate it himself and not feel pressure to do so as then I don't think it has the same effect for me either. He does respond to suggestive things, he just still doesn't make the move though. Still seems like I have to make sure it happens.

I can talk about sex openly and I used to be able to get him to blush the first year we dated and that was not talking dirty or anything, but he no longer does that and plays along so it appears he is over that part.

Just doesn't seem to be over the that he can initiate sex and something in somebody's posts here made me think that he does do it, but in subtle ways which makes me think he is afraid of getting a no. I just don't know how to train him to just go for it. I have told him that no matter how tired or worn out I am I'm always game for sex.

I just don't know how to break the cycle of me doing the initiating, words, suggestions etc. doesn't seem to cut it.

It is not a big deal as there is so much more to our marriage than this, but I sure would like to come up with something anyways. At least explore any options.

I'm open to any and all suggestions. Maybe I just need to sit down and talk to him straight up, but I really don't want to add any pressure or make him feel like he has to either. I'd like it to come from him by himself and if I can do some coaching along the way that is subtle so he thinks it is all himself that would be the ideal way.
asolo
16 years ago
You're going to be fine. Nowhere in any of your posts is there any mention of "performance" issues. All that's left is permission and hopeful expectation. Could be he's never known a woman like you. (Wouldn't that just be the best!?!?)

"Maybe I just need to sit down and talk to him straight up..." Sounds OK to me. That's not "pressure"....it's just two lovers talking. Might cover the "permission" side of the equation anyway.

Jeez....this guy's in heaven and he doesn't even know it!

And YOU get to train him? Whoa!
coolmama
16 years ago
I agree with asolo. Also,you said you have been married "a couple of years". Hang in there,seems like he is just kinda shy.You are slowly bringing him out of his shell. In a couple more years he probably wont leave you alone,LOL!
asolo
16 years ago
There are many (as in MANY) people who are repressed in the expressive department. The "permission" thing can be a welcome revelation to them but may require some time and the right environment to blossom. Suggest "allowing" the desired to behaviors to emerge. Something tells me you're exactly the woman to encourage this development.

Oh, I've got specifics. However, none would survive the censor.
coolmama
16 years ago
haha! dang those censors
linnea_j
Original Author
16 years ago
ROFLOL - Thanks guys think I'll try a little honest no pressure talk if the moment presents itself this weekend when we are both more relaxed and not caught up with work stress etc.

coolmama, I sure hope you are right and that he won't leave me alone though I hope sooner than a few years.
lmr77
16 years ago
I know this is a few months old but I just found it. I have to tell you that I live the same life as you do and truly understand how hard it is. I don't always find it easy to talk to my husband about these things. Did you try? How did it go?
second_wife
16 years ago
My husband has a very high stress job, he is a Defense Contractor for the Navy and because of this he has a low sex drive. We do have sex and when we do it is wonderful, but I would like more LOL..He is a great guy and here is what he does to initiate sex, he takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom, once we are in there WOW..I decided to see what would happen if I were to initiate sex more often, so one lazy Sunday morning I decided to wake him up..Now it seems like I am the only one initiating sex, and I wish he and I could have more during the week, but as I said his job is stressful and very physical so he comes home tired from work. I do understand this and I suppose I should be happy with just having sex once a week.
mariposa_24
16 years ago
I'm a 32 yr old woman in the same situation. I want sex, not daily, but 2 or 3 times a day. At this point, I'd settle for weekly. However, my boyfriend is fine with once every 2 months!!! I've talked to him very openly several times,I've sent him emails, I've tried initiating daily, videos, books, toys, you name it, I've tried it. The result, the same. I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. What can I do? Like the other ladies, other than our sex live, we have a fantastic relationship. I know he is not cheating on me, I know he is not gay, he just doesn't want to have sex with me.

I know it's not me, I have several men who would be ready and willing to satisfy my needs, but I don't want to do that.

What can I do??? I would love a man's advise here.

Thanks!
asolo
16 years ago
Mariposa 24......From what you've described, I'd advise acknowledgement of the circumstance. People are different. Sexual desire/interest can be one of the differences. If you're different in this way and its important to you, better to look at it straight up for what it is rather than hope for a change. You don't say how long you've been with him but it's obviously been long enough to see this much.

Your story is common one: "We have a fantastic relationship, but....." Only you know how big that "but" is for you. And you know what? Every relationship is exactly like that. Your call, but if you're serious don't pretend/expect about something that's important to you. If that's the way he is, you may have a decision to make. If you think you can change him, by all means go ahead and attempt it...but don't blame him if he doesn't respond as you'd like. He is who he is. Aren't we all?
mariposa_24
16 years ago
Asolo.....

We have been together 3 years. I gave up trying to change men during my mid 20's. :-) So, no, I'm not trying to change him. I'm trying to get some idea of what I can do to help him. Honestly, I don't want to end our relationship because, like I said, that aside, we have a wonderful relationship. However, I feel more like we are roommates than a couple.

I know he likes sex. He looks at porn daily, which is another issue for me. I don't mind that he does, but like I've told him, let's look at it together. I've even suggested fulfilling what is most men's fantasies, he won't go for it.

I've never cheated on him or anyone for that matter, but I've been contemplating meeting with a friend occasionally to satisfy my needs. I know this is wrong, but this situation is really stressing me out.

It's been going on for 2 1/2 years now. So we really only had about 6 months of daily or almost daily sex when we first got together.

I don't know what to do.

Thanks for your advise.
sweeby
16 years ago
Sounds like your appetites are just too different to make for a happy long term relationship... I mean, you're a 10 on the 'want it' scale and he's like a 2. If he were an 8 or 9, maybe even a 7 you could probably work out a compromise, but you're just so far apart...
asolo
16 years ago
FWIW...a close friend of many years past had this situation: Courtship 1 year. Good/frequent sex in the last six months of it. Upon engagement she stopped "...so the wedding night would be special." The wedding night was a disaster and they never had sex again. Socially and domestically and in almost every other way she continued to be exemplary. He tired of what he regarded as a hidden agenda after 18 months and got out. Not saying that's what's happening with you -- but it surely does happen. Some people do what they think they have to in order to get where they want to be. Don't know your circumstances, but you did describe a basic behavioral change.

How to get DH to initiate sex

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