Get up earlier than he does, or go to bed later to get some alone time. Go to the gym, library, lunch with friends. Try to interest him in some things that don't involve you.

Sounds like you have made your feelings known. It's not easy to be together so much. I feel your pain.

Good Grief Clare. It sounds awful and I just hope when my husband retires that he eases into it by cutting back a few days initially. He has always worked and really doesn't have too many other interests. He knows he should start developing some hobbies but he never seems to have time. I don't know what I would do if he just quit one day and stayed home.

I think you need to fall back on your librarian skills and check out some of the books on retirement for him- better yet send him to the library himself. He might discover some ideas that would be helpful - our library has a bulletin board listing community activities that need volunteers. He might discover a whole new life.

In the meantime maybe his presence at home would allow you the opportunity to take some day trips with friends or even a long weekend trip. It might be good for you to get out and leave him home. Can help with groceries, does he cook? Don't you have a large garden? Is there anything he could do outside to keep himself busy? I know that's only a temporary solution to a long term issue but I wish you luck. Lots of it.

I habitually get up much earlier than my DH, who's 62 and retired because he's disabled. I use those morning hours alone to relax, do laundry, read, have coffee, just be alone without someone bugging me. Today he's cooking dinner. In the process he took all the spices out of the spice cabinet and is re-arranging them in a more "logical" fashion.

I solved it by making appointments where he can't tag along ....nails, facials, hair :)
We joined the local rec center. We may arrive and leave together, but he's in the gym and i'm in the pool.

tell him you need your space..and so does he

odds are,if you talked to him,he would understand

I may be in the minority here but I feel bad for your husband ,

June

You can go to counseling even if your husband doesn't. How about you or him doing some volunteer work? If there is stuff that needs doing around the house ask your husband to do something.

My husband retired almost 3 years ago at age 55. I work one day a week, another day I bowl on a league and run some errands. I go out to breakfast with a friend almost every week, too.

My husband has started to do more of the cooking, he likes it and I don't. He also helps a friend out driving his parents places and is always ready to help anyone with a project.

Divorce?????? Actually there were times when I thought about it J/K but I think it eventually works itself out. He didn't seem to have a problem saying to me...Think I'll run down to "somewhere" and leave without me so I started doing the same thing...I'd say I'm going to the craft store and just spend some time nosing around...He wasn't keen on that...but I swear to you that I know exactly what you are talking about...We made it over the hump though....and you will too...

I was so happy when my DH retired...I love having him around the house...We've been married almost 55 years and get along better now than ever...He has his little things to do and I have mine and a lot of the days, we have afternoons free and sometimes just sit and read...Before the gas went sky high, each week, we'd take a day and just get in the car and go...We might end up in another state for lunch or pick a spot on the map and go...Looks like the gas might be coming down and hopefully this summer we'll be back on the road....We both volunteer for Meals on Wheels, both help at our church and he also volunteers with the elderly at bingo....There are so many different things you can get involved with, you don't have to be "driving" each other crazy.....

I knew I would face this someday, but I thought we would ease into it gradually. This has been too abrupt of a change. I have bent over backwards because I know he is in a bad mood due to the loss of his job. I just can't believe after 31 years it has come to this, I thought we had a good solid relationship.

Maybe it is my fault. I use to always let him have his way on the weekend, feeling that was his time because of being away the other 5. He got to choose what we watched on TV or what movies we rented, what we ate and what we did during the day. But that happening everyday is not going over well for the last 1 1/2 weeks. It use to be just our Autistic son and me during the week. We had our own schedule and we use to watch junk movies we recorded from SciFi or Chiller channel, no more of that. DH can't stand those kind of movies. DS and I had our different food nights, like Mexican night, or pasta night. That has all changed because DH has his likes and dislikes in regards to food. BTW DH was diagnosed with very mild Asperger when DS was discovered to be Autistic. Both have very strong OCD. And I am caught in the middle.

Thanks for suggestions and advice about things for him to do. I have tried making some suggestions and they get shot down every time. He is just not ready to listen right now.
Clare

Well, it sounds like he's had it easy up till now. Just go to work during the week, and do whatever he wanted every night. Then go home on the weekend, where you allowed him to do whatever on those days/nights as well. I think he should find a part time job somewhere. Lowe's, or Home Depot, or drive some elderly to Dr. appointments, or Meals on Wheels. Is this a permanent lay off? Sounds like now that he's home, he can watch your son, and you go do something you want to do. Even if it's just coffee with a friend.
Leslie

"Till death do us part" was the agreement. Count your blessings, as many women would give anything in the world to have their hubbies underfoot again. I love that my hubby and I are both retired and together, thankful that he survived his open heart surgery and we will have more years together. We each "do our own thing" and respect each others rights to do so. We also love doing things together. I don't even want to think about not having my hubby with me.

This is all new to you....just give it time. Any change in our lifestyles requires an adjustment period, but things will work out.

My DH has been retired for about 6 years and is so busy that we can never figure out when we had time to work. You're in a different situation because your DH has been laid off. The real secret is that he has a plan of what he's going to do after he retires when he retires. The only thing that we agreed on before was that he knew how to make breakfast and lunch. I'm not serving 3 meals a day. He does his thing and I do mine - and we're happy to see each other when we get home. I suspect your DH is feeling a little lost and at loose ends. Hope it gets better for you and he gets called back to work soon.

I, too, know and completely understand the frustrated and smothered feelings of too much togetherness. My husband retired long before I did, but after I retired, he also wanted to be in the same room with me, or know what I was doing constantly. We managed to get past that stage, and started taking weekend trips or longer here and there, and he enjoyed bowling, golfing, etc., and I enjoyed gardening and reading. The years went by too fast, then he got sick with lung cancer. I was his sole caretaker until he died at home last July. I am so thankful that we had all of that time together, and would so gladly do it again if only that were possible.

It takes a while......and still DH can get clingy but I am assertive so have no problems setting boundaries.
Have you told him how you are feeling in direct communication?
Maybe you could have him write you a letter about how he is feeling and you could do the same. And then, several days later, discuss them in a calm, neutral place.
There are no easy answers.....keeping you in my thoughts.

send him to Hardee's around 6:30 each morning. He can meet all the other men whose wives have to have some alone time, LOL. When I stop for my breakfast, there is always a half dozen or more men there gabbing!

I've been through this and I can tell you, just give it some time. It's new and, it's a big change. Don't expect to make this adjustment in just 1 & 1/2 weeks. Your balanced life is no longer balanced. The same goes for him. Work it out, communicate and respect each others views. Don't think that you will get your old life back. But, with time, all will be right again. Good luck.

sooey

send him to Hardee's around 6:30 each morning.

LOL

Reminded me of my father. He took early retirement, at 62, just so he could play golf 6 days a week(my mother made him promise to be home one day a week to take her grocery shopping).
So, 6 days a week he was out of the house and on his way to McDonalds to join other golfers for breakfast. Same thing in the winter...they just made it a long breakfast.

This went on for almost 20 years.

Clare: Been there and know how you are feeling. It has taken some years to get our "separate but together" lives more comfortable. I have my "sewing room" which started out just that...added a small TV...then my own computer & printer...now my photo stuff. Some of it evolved over a long while and mostly just to keep the clutter out of the main areas of our home (especially after down-sizing). His area of the house has also evolved...a music room with computer and office space. It works. We rarely watch the same movies on TV, but do watch news etc.(although I get tired of it more quickly and retreat to my "projects". Our son (and family also have an autistic 18yo son) recently arranged the upstairs area of their house as an apt-like setting for him. Bedroom, TV room, music room. It looks like it will work out for him. It does take time, so hang in there....Nanny

Being laid off is a total upheaval of your husband's life. Even if he has interests outside work, that job has always defined his WORTH to the family. Right now he's probably lost, he's ticked off, he's feeling useless and worthless, and he's GRIEVING.

Just as you said you didn't like the week-long separations at first, but you adjusted ... you'll adjust to this, too. It'll take some time for both of you, and a week and a half is still in the 'vacation' timeframe that people usually experience when they are laid off or retire ... in the beginning they just feel like they're on vacation.

Your husband needs some responsibilities, duties, that are HIS so he has something to focus on. You've got a great opportunity here to start doing new things together, creating new experiences for all three of you. How fun this could be, if all of you will work at it. Your son will probably take his 'cue' from you, since you're his primary caretaker.

Good luck to you, I wish you patience.

It will take time for him to adjust. And for you too.
In the mean time, be thankful.

Here is a link that might be useful: Be thankful

Sneak out really early in the morning....LOL No...Bless his heart...Around here men gather at the little gas stations and drink coffe for a few hours each day gossip etc.....maybe he just needs to find something like that...but until that hugs to you! I KNOW when Brian is off now I get nothing done.....we just play all day and do nothing so that is not a good thing...Stacy

I guess I am coming across as a Beyotch. I don't mean to be that way. I feel like I have been walking on eggs for the last week and a half. I KNOW he is grieving and feeling lost and unsure. That is why I have been trying to make it more like a vacation for him and not get on his case for anything. I even told him in the beginning to take it easy and rest and recover for a couple of weeks to a month.

But I am also feeling lost and uncertain about the future too. I don't blame him, but I still feel like everything is falling apart so I am not in my best frame of mind. And for the last week he has been in a really black mood and it is starting to get to me.

He has lots to do, like finishing up some remodeling projects. That keeps him busy but I can see he is doing it half heartedly and not really into it. I don't know what to do since we have never gone through something like this before.
Clare

I'm sorry this is so tough, Clare. I went through something very similar last year as I mentioned before, and made it through. My dh was also very unhappy, (stoneybaloney is right on,) and I know about the eggshell-walking. Eventually, I just went about my business and gave him a wide berth when necessary, not really talking when he was in those bad moods. He did spend a lot of time calling friends and acquaintances for job leads and on the computer, so that helped. If you can give him smaller jobs or errands without making it seem like an order, that might get him out of your hair for a bit. Going with the flow and making no assumptions can help too, though that's much easier said than done! Let him loose in the garden if he has any penchant for gardening; maybe he and your son can spend more time together? More than anything, give yourself a time and place to vent-- the kt will always be here to listen!

I have sort of the opposite situation. My husband just took a job where he is gone from two to three weeks at a time and home for a week, or less. He is 62 years old, and I've been used to having him home every evening. I felt sad knowing that this is what my life will be like from here on out. The job pays so well, that he can't afford not to do it. He had shrimped for over 40 years but it had declined to the extent that he could no longer make a living at it.

I have adjusted very well to being alone...I've even lost a little weight, because I no longer have to cook dinner. When he is home, it is sometimes easy to get cross with him, but I have made a conscious effort to not be like that. But, too, I have always had my own time and he isn't a clingy type of person. I do regret that probably for the next 10 years or so, he will be working this type of job.
He is a workaholic...and he would never retire.

Although my DH is not retired, I understand!

DH has several weeks, twice a year where he is home and it drives me crazy. I have 3 dogs at my heels 24/7, and feel like DH is #4. :)

What really makes me insane is that he planned for this time off, buying new windows and vinyl siding to reside the house. Last summer when he was off he only managed to get two windows in. Now he has gone and bought 8 more windows and the siding and has done NOTHING in 3 weeks. Instead he follows me around and talk, talk, talk. Makes me nuts. I never hear a full news report because since he's up at 4AM, he's already heard it several times and immediately begins telling me his version of the story. No need for me to listen to the weather because before it comes on, I get the update from him.

Sheesh! I could go on and on, but I won't. LOL

Instead do it this way. He may be depressed, he may need someone like his wife with him. And he doesn't know what to do and women no matter what always have the house, errands and things to do. I see alot of husbands here sitting in the car waiting for their wives to come out of the store,etc.

Sit down and talk to him and make dates in being together and also tell him he needs to get involved in something he loves doing. What hobbies does he like. Look around and see what is out there.

My mom always was after my dad and he tried different things, went to tons of courses and he did enjoy them and went onto something and the two things he absolutely loved was gardening and that was something both he and my mom shared their love in. He love to play golf and went and he did foursome with other guys and enjoyed that alot.
My dad did her own thing and she loved to play tennis.

They also did things together, they went and checked out tea houses, I gave them a book on them around the area and they had so much fun doing that.

They both would take the dog out separately and enjoyed that.

The only thing is that my everytime he tried to start something up in the house, my mom went after him about why is this out and that and make him clean it up.
Well, when you work certain projects you need to spread out and leave it out and then work on it here and there.

Then she would complain he didn't do anything.

don't forget its his house too and you are used to being alone and doing whatever and now you have to share that space and time with someone else. Its a huge adjustment for both parties.

Let him come on some errands with you and others tell him you need and want to do it on your own as you need that me alone time.

Its the same with doing stuff in the house, get him involved if he isn't doing cooking, cleaning.

My mom told my dad when he retired that its not fair that women don't get to do that too. They still have the house, meals, dishes, laundry, errands,etc.

She made him do all the errands and he calls when there is a problem and waits for people to come to the house to fix something or whatever.

He also went and took courses in learning how to cook different foods and loved it lots. And he cooked them nice suppers and she enjoyed it. He also learned how to bake bread and did that for awhile and all kinds of things.

He tried to do vacuuming,etc. but that didn't work, she got someone to come in and clean the house and then I took over doing it for them.

They both also have their own cars as so many can't afford two cars in retirement years.

It is a huge adjustment.

My parents also at my dads work place everyone that was retiring went to classes and discussed what it all involved in retirement and for both parties to see that it was going to be a huge adjustment on both sides and they had to work on it like everything else in life.

For alot of men, my dad says live in condos and they would come and play golf and rest of time just sit in their chairs, watch tv and that is it.

My dad said he would go crazy doing that and he is 83 years old and he is busy.

My dad retired at 52 and drove my mom crazy. They eventually divorced after 40 years of marriage. I go to church with a lady who is still working in her 70s because she can't stay home with her husband.

I do understand the agitation. But, be happy as
Linda said.

I would give just about anything to have my DH
alive and well and "under foot". And, I regret
all the impatience I may have had with him.

But - it is all human nature. :)

Because he hasn't "retired" he was layed off I'm sure he is going through some really hard times with his emotional self. He has been told "we don't need you anymore" and for a working man (or woman) that is a brutal blow to his self worth. Remember, he doesn't want to be home anymore than you want him there. This isn't the excited happy time that a full retirement transistion would be...this situation is totally different. It's got to be hard on both of you. The fear of the future, being able to find another job, pay the bills etc. has got to be really hard to handle. And you're probably both thinking those things but maybe keeping them to yourself so as not to make the other person feel badly.

Can he go to a job fair, or even the unemployment office to see if there is a place possibly find help in finding another job? Maybe even go online to see if there are forums or support groups for people in the same situation? I think I would be in a state of shock followed by depression for awhile. Maybe when that wears off a little and the reality of having to find something else to do sets in he will then have a focus and can work on himself and how he is going to market himself to get back out there in the working world.

I've only been in that situation once (thank God) and I must say it was a very dark place to be...but with the love and support of those around me I came out of it and became the person I used to be.

I would imagine that a layoff for a man (who is used to being the head of the household) is really difficult. Hang in there with him...talk it out...things will get better.

Susan

If it was not for his golfing 3 times a week and softball 2 times a week, I would go absolutely bonkers. LOL, I am going back to work 1-2 days a week also. Only quit 2 months ago. :)

I'm not the best person to ask that question! DH has been retired 15 years, and I'm still adapting!

aptosca, you need to take off for a long weekend and visit friends or relatives. Or a 3 day retreat weekend for a seminar.

Gayle

When my husband first retired, it was 2002 and he was home alone for three years. He decided he liked grocery shopping and cooking, so he compleytely took over those 2 jobs. It was great for me-I'd come home to dinner on the table every night. I loved that part! Then I retired in 2005 and we've driven each other crazy ever since. Try not to be impatient. We still love each other. There's always something to talk about.

i didn't have the chance to find out the last time dh was laid off..had hyst and he became my homecare nurse, for little more than a month...so was very gtateful...

we do have seperate tv's and while i join him in the later evening, like now i'm downstairs on the puter, he's up watching football...

i've also become what he calls "vampira" doing chores in the middle of the night, reading ect...so i often will sleep in while he's been up for awhile...

and your son... have you mentioned the need for continuing a structured rotuine, including the special dinner nights and "reward" of the films/programs he enjoys? i'd hope he'd understand that...prehaps dh needs that himself...maybe start small with calender of events...include things you do on a weekly basis...

Getting it off my chest here has really helped, at least me. I don't feel so stressed out like before so I can let things slide. And I have been working outside more to have "my time", while he works on projects inside. It does make a difference to have time off from each other.

I explained to DS that we will watch those movies, but during the daytime. And I told DH that we should have at least a few of those dinners DS likes and he seemed agreeable.

Also what helped, is finally some of his friends from other companies got in touch with him. Though they don't know of any jobs, all companies are laying off, I think it helped him to talk to them. He seemed to be in a better mood after each phone call and email.

A few minutes ago I just saw him playing on the floor with our dog. He hasn't really done that since he has been home. He was more like his old self. He was actually laughing and so was I. Thank heaven for dogs! (Especially Elvira, she is so funny!) So maybe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Clare

I'm glad things are better, Clare.

I have an idea on one way you can get out of the house...perhaps we can go out to lunch in a couple of weeks when I am no longer working. The large company I work for is also making cutbacks...although they have not laid off anyone in our division, they have cut salaries 10% and are not renewing many contractors' contracts, including mine.

So, I'll soon be a lady of leisure and maybe we can "do lunch" in SC! I'll be in touch...

Is there a friend that is retired that can help you guide your husband into a new stage in his life? Just having someone ask for help with a project, go bowling, come to a Rotary meeting, whatever could help. Get your minister to ask your husband for help with some group.
You don't have to restructure his life all by yourself. You are the main person, but you can get assistance!

Clare use your DH's being at home to have more time for yourself. Run away from home now and then. Mtnwoman's lunch idea is good. Make a honey-do list for DH and take some time off for yourself.

Hi Clare~~I don't really have anything concrete to tell you, but I am literally going through the exact same thing.

My DH's company CLOSED in October, and since he is 58 years old and was in the financial market, there is no hope of him finding another job, so we are trying to figure out how to semi-retire.

For the first few months, I thought I would pull every hair out of my head. Thank God, I work full-time at a job I absolutely love, so that is a huge help. However, I, too gave him a few months to settle into a different type of living, but lately, I am getting very aggravated because since I work all day, and then come home to cook, do laundry, etc., I find that he sits at the computer or TV ALL day and does nothing. I am ready to run away.

Our third son, who still lives with us (20 yrs.old) is bipolar, and my husband suffers from depression.
All I can say is that you need to get out of the house a few times a week and work it out with him to help with your son. If you don't get alone time, things get tougher. I find that I am looking at my DH differently because I feel like he is just lazy.

I know things will work out eventually, but if you don't make some time for yourself, it will definitely get harder.
I'm sorry that I don't have anything more valuable to tell you. Hang in there, and like others have said....."in good times and bad times".
Take care.