My SD's BM told my DH when she first met me that she wanted to sit down and talk. She suggested going out to dinner so she can get to know me, since I am going to be around her daughter. That was almost four years ago. We've been married just about two. It still hasn't happened.

Well, I take that back. She sat down with me and DH last September (back to school night) to tell us that she met the guy of her dreams and had already moved and would we keep her daughter. Then, we all sat down together with SD last month because SD was telling her mom that I was hitting her. (not true) and when all the adults got together, she admitted that she has been lying to both sides, but there wasn't much interaction between the adults in that meeting.

As far as me reaching out to her. I respect that she's my SD's mom and I have let her know that even if her and I don't like each other, my goal is to do the best I can for her daughter. That means that I will be cordial and communicate important things with her, that does not mean she will direct me in how to raise her child. My husband may direct me all he wants. (and all the communication about 'meeting' was done between her and my husband)

At the beginning, BM was nasty to me. I didn't meet her for the first year or two, save for the times she showed up drunk at my fiance's house when I was there.

Actually, the first time I "met" her was about a year into our relationship. We were in fiance's backyard with the kids, grilling, and they were splashing in the sprinkler. She came busting through the gate to fight with him about something or other. I was shocked.

Periodically, throughout the next 4 years, she would "be nice" and try to reach out to be friendly to me and my fiance would encourage me. The first couple times, I agreed, but then she'd get nasty again (and I mean NASTY, I would open my email to things from her calling me a whore, saying I needed plastic surgery to fix my ugly face, you get the picture.)

When she was PG recently, she reached out to me A LOT, wanting support because she was fighting so much with her boyfriend.

I am not good at telling my fiance NO and he would always try to get me to talk to her, take her calls, keep the peace, etc.

It wasn't until she turned nasty on him again in the middle of her pregnancy that he finally respected me when I said I did NOT want to put up with her BS any longer.

So, in short, I have been FINE with not having a relationshp with her for a LONG time. It was my fiance that really felt she could "change" and wanted me to "give it a try in STBSS's best interest" for a LONG time.

He has only in the last 8 or 9 months really come to the realization that she is never going to change!

It was something that was discussed between DH and I while happening. Over the 10 years we've all been co-parenting there have been the bad times and the good, and we've discussed our moves each time. Of late, as things had been better, I felt comfortable emailing or talking to BM without including DH, but as things went downhill fast last week that may change. I did send a few emails without cluing him in first, but i always make sure that she knows they are from me independently so any fallout is aimed at me.

I think to go behind your DH's back, if you want to call it that, would give BM the impression you are not a team or united front. NOT the idea you want to ever put in her head!

I never had the sit down talk with the girls mom. She hated my guts from day one. She doesn't want me with her ex and she doesnt like me raising her kids (but she will admit I do a good job of it) so there was never any "reaching out" to each other.

She's threatened by me. I have no mental handicaps, no addictions, I have a good job, the girls and Jonathan love me......I think I actually make her feel bad about herself. Deep down she knows she should be doing the things that I am doing but because of her sickness she is incapable of filling that role.

There are too many factors in my particular situation for BM and I to be on any kindof friendly/supportive ties. She is a poisoned person and it's best to get involved as little as humanly possible. Sad, huh?

I think it's GREAT for the people who can have a sit down and work together for the kids. In a perfect world that would be the best case scenario. Most folks don't live in Perfectville though.

BM and I have yet to communicate, as she has no wish to talk to me, although I would like to. My first direct communication was a letter a wrote her, which I put in an envelope with her name on it, and sent it back with the boys clothes on exchange day. I showed it to fiance first, and had his "blessing." I agree, it presents a more united front, otherwise BM will take comfort in knowing there is a communication gap in your relationship.

Letter came after STBSS 7 had a birthday, and I bought him an ice cream cake for our family celebration. When fiance brought him back to moms that night, we recieved a phone call about 15 min later. Family was still in the living room, and BM was screaming so loud that whole room could hear the entire conversation, and the boys were back at her house so we're sure they could hear the rant too. She was constantly calling me "illiterate" and "doesn't she know how to read" about all of the terrible things that are in ice cream cakes and how her children are going to get cancer because I feed them such terrible things. She thought I should have baked him a cake...she is a SAHM and has time for this, I do not.

My letter to her the next week was, in my opinion, very respectable. I asked her if she would like to sit down to have a cup of coffee so that we could get to know each other better. And could we discuss exactly what her expecations are in terms of what they eat, as I was open to any legitimate concerns. I thought openning the lines of communication between us would eliminate some of the confrontations in front of the kids. She denied my request, and told fiance that everything she has "read" said that the communication should only be between them.

I believe the boys are suffering, because she is constantly quizzing them for info about me and fiance, and I wish she would communicate directly with us.

So DH is aware that I invited BM to coffee.
It still hasn't happened, we set a date and she semi-backed out b/c of her schedule. I know she's probably a little unsure about meeting and honestly so am I. i feel its necessary to lay down a new foundation and just to know who is with and taking care of the daughter.
I don't even really know how this conversation is supposed to go. Or how much we should know about each other.

Any suggestions? I guess this should really be its own post.

JNM and Doodle will be happy with my suggestion...

Make a list of things that you have concerns over.

Try to keep them order based

write down what she says to the concerns.

Ask her first if she has anything she wants to address... and short and sweet write them down if you don't have an answer say I don't have an answer and I will get back to you on that one.

I met with mom 3 weeks before the kids got out of school last year(07). Told her what needed to be done and what I had concerns with... we were "civil" for about 8 months... until recently with SD we were not best friends but she knew if she had an issue instead of relaying a message through her children she could call me directly ....

Now we are back to baby bull$h!t telling the kids to tell me ... and I am back to my response if your mom has something to say to me tell her to call me herself or call your father we do not want to hear her words from you.

And I told him after the fact about our meeting last spring but I had told him about every conversation since. Its been 3 weeks since she and I have communicated... she's giving me the "silent treatment"

pseudo-

thanks for your suggestions. I think our meeting is a little different. we dont really have anything to "plan" for. and anything regarding problems b/n BM and I would just be revisiting the past, i.e. pointless. She's never expressed any issues on how I raise her daughter and its not my place to say what I think is healthy/unhealthy about what she does.
I guess I feel like i'm flying blind.

FDH and I had semi-talked about it, but one day when BM called to arrange when we would have A__ for the next while, she and I got talking and had a great talk about boundaries and respecting each other and so on.
I told FDH about it right away and he was happy that we'd had this chat.
The gist of it was that I would like her to tell me if I'm overstepping, she would like us to tell her if she's being too pushy, and here's the important part, she said "It's so important that J__ is with someone who gets along so well with A__, that I can out any personal jealousies I might have aside, because I know it's what best for A__"
She also said that she feels more like she's sending A__ to his dad's place since he and I got serious, and less like she's sending him to an extended babysitter.

After her initial rudeness, which then faded to dismissiveness, BM has been pretty good. She can still frustrate me quite easily, but overall, she's good and out chat was nice to clear the air and know where the other stands.

I'm not saying everything will always be 100% peachy between us, but we get along quite well.