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bestyears_gw

Musings to old songs, life in reverse etc....

bestyears
12 years ago

So I've been painting most of the day, and have my Macbook parked safely nearby, playing many of my favorite old songs. Some songs, like "Father & Son" from Cat Stevens, I first listened to with a boyfriend who identified with the son in the song, and now I listen and think of my own nearly grown son. "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan, as I sing along, becomes an anthem for my nearly grown children. "You and Me" by Neil Young takes me back to the early days of learning to be married.... I could go on and on...

So between a day spent ruminating to paint fumes and great songs, and the recent posts about 2011, it has made me think about what our lives look like in reverse. Looking back to the things that seemed horrible -do they still seem horrible now? Marriage and parenting can be so difficult all along the way...and yet if you emerge fairly unscathed, you look back and think, "Wow, look at all we did...". It's made me wonder.... How much would most of us do differently in life?

For me, I think my childhood was the most difficult part of my life so far. Although I had some times of great poverty and stress later in my life, I never felt as subject-to-the-whims-and-moods-of-others as I did as a young child. And I guess because the whims and moods were not particularly sunny and joyous, it was difficult and felt very bleak to me.

As to what I would do differently, I would have lived less cautiously as a young adult. I stayed too long at one job, worked wayyyy too hard so that when I went up for promotions they had to give it to me. Looking back, I wish I'd been more confident and demanded more on the job. I guess I wish I had taken more risks, backed by a confidence I projected but didn't feel, in general. Told more men what I expected.... cared less what others were doing or thinking. Just taken risks in general I guess... I remember not buying furniture beyond Goodwill stuff because what if I lost my job and couldn't pay for it? Not taking some exotic trips for the same reason. It's turned out I was never unwillingly unemployed... My husband had opportunities to take his family overseas for work, but a fabulous playgroup and mothers I felt connected to seemed more important at the time. Maybe we should have gone for a few years. My husband is closing in on his second year of retirement. It has been difficult, but we are finally through it, and finding real joy in each other more often than not again. So this has seemed difficult. I wonder how it will look in twenty years...

I would love to read what others think about this.

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