I'm so very sorry for your heartbreak. This has to be difficult for you. I'm sorry i don't have any real advice for you, but I pray God will guide you. (((((Hugs))))) Dottie

When you want something with your whole heart and soul, and crave it with all that is within you, it seems the world is awash in idiots who don't understand and give trite, meaningless and even heartless advice.

For years, I longed to be married and I can't tell you how many women said stupid things to me. My point is, I know how it feels to want something so badly, and then see other people enjoying the happiness that you've only dreamt of.

I don't know how to "get over" a heartbreak. I do know that time softens the pain and that sometimes, we just have to give ourselves permission to cry.

I'm sorry I can't offer more specific advice and insight. I know that in my own case, I figured out that what I really craved was companionship and I found an older man that invited me to live in his home and that satisfied my longings in a way that was profound, memorable and lasting.

I hope you find peace and comfort and I hope the pain passes in time.

Rose

I remember when you had your hysterectomy. It was a sad and difficult time. How hard it is for you--even though you wish your friends well with all your heart.

Would you like a job working with kids? Or maybe that would be too painful. Have you considered adopting an older child? Foster care? I know these suggestions are lame and not very helpful. I work with kids and thoroughly enjoy them, but I also enjoy time away from them because it can tax the patience.

I have no advice but sympathy for your emotional pain. Here's a (hug) my dear.

Susan

I just want to sympathize with you and encourage you not to give up. If you have decided you would like to adopt, keep trying. Consider other sources for adoption. I know someone who knew a lawyer who was looking to place a baby for one of his clients. They now have a sweet daughter after years of being childless. A neighbor is just recently doing foster parenting because once a foster child becomes available for adoption, the foster parent is given first consideration. A newphew adopted two children from Russia, one an infant and one an older girl whose mother died and whose relatives eventually could not care for her.

The problem with foster care is that you eventually lose that child, which makes it worse. That happened to my daughter's neighbors who had the baby from almost day one, but eventually the father claimed the baby after more than a year.

I think you should try again. to adopt. This might be the magic time.

I know it must be very hard to take. I did have children...but always wanted more. I'm way over parenting age. But everytime I see a new one or a pregnant mommy...I wish I could do it again.

I'm sorry you are hurting.

patti

I know exactly how you are feeling, I was in the same situation. I tried so hard to be happy for friends and family when they were pregnant but it was very difficult. The only advice I can give you is that if you really want to adopt don't give up. Tell everyone you come in contact with that you want this. That's how we ended up with our two boys. At the time, no agencies would take us because of age and second marriage restrictions, we adopted privately both times. It was always a friend of a friend etc. who heard our story. We had several disappointments before we succeeded, so don't give up. So many people ended up knowing about us we turned down several other babies later and helped friends adopt.

"I don't know how to "get over" a heartbreak. I do know that time softens the pain and that sometimes, we just have to give ourselves permission to cry."

well said.

While no grief ever really "goes away", leaving you exactly the same as you were before your grief, the pain eventually dulls & you start noticing & enjoying your life.

Meanwhile, sob in the shower & howl in the backyard, & then blow your nose & enjoy your friends' babies.

I have a feeling that your turn is coming.

Keep praying for strength to be happy within yourself. I was raised in a foster home and lived with my foster parents for 8 years (from age 10-18) with my bio-sister. Perhaps you could consider being a foster parent to older children.

You don't need to "Get over it" you need to grieve for you loss until you are over the grief. Then make a choice to move on in this world with plans to make your life the best it can be. If you feel your grief is overly long then you might want to talk to a professional who can guide you. Your heart can only be broken when it is full of love that can not be given to others. As hard as it is for you to hear how happy friends are to find they are going to have a baby you can share that happiness with them and still feel bad that you will not be able to find that exact same joy. It is hard because You and your wondeful Husband have so much love to give beyond each other it is overwhelming.
Those who say "just adopt" are trying to help but the reality of Adoption is not so much known to those who haven't tried and gone through that long process. Most folks want a baby. There are not that many babies to be adopted and the chances are it can take years to get approved and then years to get a baby. I would suggest you might find great joy and share a lot of love with foster children. Many children for so many reasons need a home and loving parents for long term, short term and immediate care. I have been a foster parent to children of all ages from infant to teens. Many of these children were unwanted, abused, neglected or special needs emotionaly or physically. Even the children who are temporarily or short term need the love of a temp Mom and Dad to assure them they are loved and worth while. It is harder to foster children but so very much heart warming and fulfilling to know you have made a difference in the lives of scared or hurt children. Most states have a great need foster homes and parents, It still takes some red tape to become a foster parent but since you have already done the adoption process it should be easy to get approved for fostering. I hope this will help you some and I am adding you to my prayers in hopes you will receive some relief from your sorrow and find a way to be the happy loving woman/'Mom' you so need to be.
Blessing Abound
Lil

All I can say is keep trying and don't give up hope. I know that's not much, but I have a nephew (and his wife) and a dear friend (and her husband) who had both given up on adoption after years of effort. And on the SAME DAY they both received the call. My nephew adopted a 15 month old baby boy and my friend a newborn baby girl. It does happen. I'm wishing you the best of luck.

You don't really get OVER it. Pain of that sort arises when you least expect it. All you can do is the best you can do and that's it. Each of us handles it in a different way. I pray that you find your bliss by opening up to all options. Have you ever considered surrogate? I know it's pricey but it's a sure thing. I wish you luck.

It's not something you can "get over". You may need to move through grief to acceptance. That takes time, sometimes a long time.

You just pray that God will help you get over this ,because it is harder than every thing .I know been there it took me years and still do not understand why but except it and move on.I was lucky to have help raised 2sets of DNand Dneph now I am keeeping there kids.I pray that DL will help you thrugh this.

I am sorry you have to go through so much pain. A couple I know has been trying for years to adopt and he was recently in another state for a meeting and got to talking with someone who has a relative in Iowa who is pregnant and wants to relinquish the baby. Apparently the couple here have a good chance of getting the baby. Also, consider foreign countries. Haiti had lots of orphans before the earthquake and will have even more now.

((((((((((firemanswife))))))))) I'm sorry.
"You don't need to "Get over it" you need to grieve for you loss until you are over the grief. " I agree with that!

My brother adopted through private sources. they let everyone and eveyone's friends know their purpose. And it worked. It took a while, but they have a wonderful son who is now graduating from highschool. I don't know if you have decided to not continue on that route.. just wanted to let you know. They even put it out in their christmas letter

Firemanswife, I think it is terribly insensitive for people to tell you to "just adopt." The word "just" is so belittling (sp?), as if you can put in an order as though it was take out!

But as you can see, many of us learning of your situation do agree that adoption could be a wonderful thing for you and your hubby. And no doubt for some lucky infant who would get parents that really and truly want to raise a child to call their own.

I'd never say "just". Adoption is a huge and honorable undertaking. I told my cousin who adopted two children that I consider him the "real" father. The "biological" father is often called the "real" father but I disagree. The "real" parent is the one who painstakenly gives heart and soul to raise the child. I have faith that there is match out there for someone as yourself who wants a baby so bad. Don't give up.

You have been given some wonderful advice here. I can't really add more, other than just to let you know you can always come here and find a shoulder to lean on.

(((FiremansWife)))

Lots of great advice here FMW...I hope your turn comes soon and in the meantime...just know we all care about you...

One never truly 'gets over' the yearing of the feeling of loss in their lives when natural childbirth has been denied. However, you should think about the alternative and what might have been. Nature may have been sparing you an awful burden of a malformed fetus that could never develop properly.

As crass at it may sound, the earthquake disaster in Haiti has suddently generated a big batch of orphans and children who may have parents but are of dire need. My understanding is that the paperwork is daunting, but the need is great and immediate. Beware that taking in children from this situation may or may not have a happy result, but the need is very great. Maybe, contact the Red Cross?

Greetings fireman's wife,

When a relative or friend jumps up and down with joy at becoming pregnant, especially if they've been trying for some time - you want to be happy with them, and in a way, you are ... but it leaves you feeling empty, as well. Added to the difficulty is that you pretty well have to hide your negative feelings at the time. That's when we get a shot at being an actor!

As someone said, give yourself permission to cry, shout, scream, or whatever helps you alleviate the pain, at a later time, when the feeling returns. Sometimes a piece of music, or a movie may bring back the sadness strongly and that's the time to let your body, mind and heart do what it needs to, to mitigate/alleviate the pain.

Also, one feels unfulfilled: one of the major purposes that one felt to be important in one's life can't be met. If someone cuts off your leg ... you can learn to navigate ... but when they take away your means of propagation ... you not only have to cope with being diminished ... you have to forego the possibility of extending, or multiplying yourself ... of leaving a human legacy.

Can you and your husband have good heart to heart talks about this issue?

Do you have a good friend who can empathise with your deep feelings? Who can walk with you through the dark valley of your disappointment, your frustration?

How about a professional? Have you a connection with a faith professional person? Though some seem uninvolved, when one talks to them, and it doesn't go anywhere useful, many have had substantial training and varied experience and can help you work your way through your feelings and hurt to a measure of resolution of the issues. To help you feel better, long term.

One of the major issues facing foster people who have yearned for a family of their own is the pain that comes when a child to which one has become attached is carried away some morning by the social worker, whether to reunite with parents or for whatever reason. The little one that you've come to love ... is gone. Leaving your heart ... empty (as far as that issue is concerned).

After some such experiences, though, I think that you'd feel that, despite the pain at the end, that the situation had been worth it, both for the best interest of the rootless child and from your own viewpoint, as well.

And, as someone said, often foster parents do adopt the children that they've been fostering.

I think that adopting from offshore is a long, frustrating exsperience. And very expensive, as well.

If you feel like talking - whenever you feel like it - feel free to come here to share. And if you'd like to write to someone on here privately, many of us have given permission to receive such emails via gardenweb, which can be done via our profile page.

As you may recall, several of the KT folks tell of having talked to one another on the phone, and if you'd like to talk, I'm sure that a number would be pleased to talk that way: skype is helpful, as we can then look at the person as we talk.

(((((fireman's wife and husband)))))

ole joyful

I am so sorry - and I can hear your heart crying.

But, you have received some good advice from a lot
of friends here. Grieve, by all means - but do not
give up.

And, "just adopt" makes me see red too. My aunt had
a biological child and adopted one. She always said,
she forgot which was which. Please keep trying - there
is a baby/child out there that needs you with all the
love in your heart.

Hugs.

Speaking as an infertile woman, adoptive mother, and wife of an adoptee...

Let's not forget the focus of adoption. It's meant to be all about finding a home for a child who has no home with a natural parent or anywhere within his natural family. It is NOT about separating children from their natural families in order to provide children to those of us who cannot bear them. It's not a 'cure' for childlessness. It's not about *us*, but about the welfare of a child.

An adopted person will always have two sets of parents, even if (sadly) he never sees or knows one set. If you can't recognize that truth, and what it means to the adoptee, beware!

In some of the ways that count adoption is not completely different from foster parenting -- or just plain 'parenting'. "Fostering' is what all good parents are expected to do. Look up the definition. Look up 'nurturing'. Look up how the dictionary defines 'mother' and 'father' too -- they are slightly different in interesting ways.

I've experienced your pain and rage. It never goes away completely -- and there is no anwser to the "Why?" -- but you can come to terms with it. AFTER you get a handle on it, think about what you -- and your husband -- CAN do and WANT to do. I don't know if the organization still exists, but RESOLVE has helped many people work through the sorrow and loss of being unable to bear children.

I'm truly sorry for the death of your dream to bear your husband's child and raise it. Permission to wail is granted, and you don't have to HIDE it in the shower! You have suffered a deep and terrible loss. (Just don't let it ruin your entire life or continue to cast a shadow over everyone else.)