You sound absolutely sure that SS is the one responsible.
But your DH has said he is not.

Can you CALMLY ask your DH "So how did Jane get your cell phone number? I don't want to blame your son unfairly, but if he didn't give her your phone number, how did she get it?" The key is to remain CALM and non-accusatory. Your DH already knows this is an issue with you and that you think his son is trying to break you up. So you'll have to admit that at the start -- AND admit the possibility that you're looking irrational. But tell him your 'women's intuition' just won't stop nagging you.

Before this talk, you might want to have a quick scroll through your DH's cell phone records to see how many conversations he and Jane have been having. And if it's only the 2-3 that you know about, then get your emotions under control and realize the role that your own insecurities and unfortunate history are having in your feelings. If you are feeling jealous and insecure because of your own background - not because your DH is acting inappropriately - then YOU are the one with the problem, and you need to get a hold of it before it destroys your marriage. Your SS will not be able to destroy a healthy marriage by introducing your DH to other women.

sweeby, thanks for your input. Yes, I am certain adult SS is how Jane got DH number. In the post called "Manipulation again" I list some other reasons why I know SS is involved. He has been trying to get DH with this women off and on for the last 4 years. I am tired of it. Your right SS finally found an area that I have a problem with ( SS does not really know yet that I have trouble with this area) and yes it is my problem. But I promised myself I would never put up with a man ever again allowing another women to come between us in our marriage. I agree that SS will not be able to destroy a healthy marriage by introducing another woman, but there has been so very much stress put on our relationship the last 5 years by the step children I don't believe it can take much more. DH needs to put a stop to it and tell his kids to STOP it now. I guess its not so much the other woman, its the SS manipulating and sneaking around to cause trouble,is what I am tired of and hurt by. I cannot tolerate the evil and back stapping ways of these adult stepkids any more. How would others handle this? Should I just confront the SS, however, he will play the innocent victim and tell DH I accused him of something he did not do. You see he is sneaky. I believe DH needs to take care of this and take charge of his bratty adult children.

I think sweeby is completely correct to stay calm. Speak with your husband. Be honest, accept this bothers you and accept the fact that your adult stepkid is not in the good books with you. There is nothing wrong with feeling this way and i think you should confront this adult. i personally would even tell your dh that you want to confront your feelings and have a one on one with his son.
The only one who will destroy your marriage is you and your dh. Stay calm, i know its hard not to get emotional.
Another thing is, you know these adults are disrespectful and backstabbing. Do not talk to them or invite them and ignore them. Your dh can talk to as many woman as he likes. That is his freedom , and he is not disrespecting you by doing so. My husband has alot of his exgirlfriends calling. If i head down that road it will be the end.
Tell your ss you know what he has done over the past 4 years and please dont act innocent. Its disrespectful and i dont appreciate it. Have a relationship with your dad but dont come near me from this point on. Dont talk to me in my face or behind my back. Stay clear.

I agree with sweeby about either scrolling through his phone records or just looking over the bill when it comes to see if there has been any other contact. I understand why you would be insecure because of your past experience with a cheater, but has your DH ever cheated on you? How long has SS been dating his girlfriend? Does she ever come with him to visit? Does she treat you disrespectfully also? Believe in the woman that you are and what your past has taught you. Has his behavior towards you changed alot? I don't think you ever get over it, it does hurt I know. I think the best thing for you is to start focusing on yourself, any trips you've been wanting to do even if for the weekend? take a new class, join a new club get your mind of of all this and see how you feel after.

Thanks everyone for the advise, I truely appreciate it. Jupiterj & seeby I have checked his phone records/bills because I pay those bills and have never seen Jane's # on there. I trust my husband fully. You see we both have been cheated on in our previous relationships and both know how bad it hurts so I do not feel DH would do anything like that to me. His behavior had not changed, but maybe mine has because of this. We have always had problems with his adults kids, which we have worked through. In the past, I know SS has encouraged DH to call him at Jane's 2nd house (never Janes's cell phone, which is what Jane called DH on) because SS does not answer his cell phone or his girlfriend does not answer her cell phone so DH ends up calling Jane's 2nd house in order to get in touch with SS. SS tells DH that his cell phone battery is died and girlfriend didn't hear hers so call Jane's house to get ahold of me (SS). I feel this is another way that SS trys to get DH to talk with Jane and in someway contact with her. SS has been dating girlfriend for about 4 years. No Jane never comes with SS to visit, we are not close to this women. We have seen her maybe 3-4 times in the last year. Yes, I feel Jane disrespects me by acting like I am not even present when DH & I have seen her when we are together. Jane has said some smart remarks to me about stepmothers ( I guess she had a stepmother in her past). I hope this answers your questions. Any other advise, the more the better. Thanks

I'm a funny duck I guess...but I believe we create our own reality... So the more you focus on the stepkids creating turmoil between you and hubby, the more power you give them. The issue will become a sore spot between you and your husband. You'll end up being the bad guy. It's funny the woman would call your husband, but the SS didn't hold the phone to her head and dial. So this woman has interest in your husband. I'd be more inclinced to say to step son... "oh it was so nice your g/f's mother phoned to wish dad happy bday"...can I have her number, I'd like to thank her". This throws the SS off track, because he's looking for an anger response from you. don't give him one..worst case stay neutral and observe...and if the woman calls again... invite her and her daughter over for lunch one day.. just the girls...after all if she's calling your husband....don't you want to know what she's all about??

Nice take Maureen -- And a very accurate observation. One thing I've noticed is that we're very aware of things that support our beliefs, and interpret many actions in a way that confirms our suspicions.

When my DH was in the doghouse with his kids because of the lies his ex had told, virtually everything he did just "proved what a selfish, uncaring louse he was". Once the kids realized their mother's stories weren't true, then he was a "victem and a martyr" and "they always loved him and always knew he loved them." Now, everything he does is proof of his "stability and good judgement."

Sunny - Maureen's idea about taking the initiative to be extra nice to Jane is a good one. At its most innocent, SS is perhaps trying to forge a close relationship between your two families. (Perhaps not, but could that be it?) Well, you could certainly 'spin' it that way to SS, and insert yourself oh-so-sweetly between Jane and your DH. If SS's plans really are manipulative, and/or if Jane's intentions really are inappropriate, just think how they'll squirm. Just be sure to meet her away from your house and keep DH out of it until the kids are engaged.

Hmmm... How would SS react if you indicate that you assumed he was so interested in bringing the two families together because he is planning to propose to girlfriend? Would he freak out and run, thereby ending the Jane problem?

My stepkids used to try and make me jealous all the time about the women (woman) that their father used to date before he met me. If their father was ever late coming home from work, they would tell me that he was with his girlfriend, or if the phone rang, they would tell me that a woman was calling their dad, and so on. My husband and I dealt with it by starting to joke about his girlfriend in the basement. When the kids would ask where their dad was, I would tell them that he was visiting his girlfriend who lived in the basement. We'd change the name every once in a while, and it didn't take them long to figure out that their methods wouldn't work to make me jealous, and it actually became a family joke. Sometimes humour is the best way to go.

My opinion:
This is not as terrible as you think. You trust you husband and you've checked the phone records (good move, just to be sure). Your husband thinks its weird that Jane called. Well, it's weird and disrespectful. And I do think she is being inappropriate. Back off of SS. Jane may have asked him for the number. Don't continue to have DH believe his son is behind this (Doesn't work that way, husbands will defend their kids and stay in denial for very long periods of time...years even) Let it go. You are re-living your first marriage. I wouldn't invite her over for a lunch with the girls. She'll soon make a fool of herself. One thing I would like to say is that you should try to love your SS. This is the only was to heal this hurt.

I want to thank everyone for their advise and opinions. It is truely helpful to hear various thoughts and it helps to know that others would feel the same as I did. If anyone has more advise it is truely welcomed. I have taken all the responses into consideration and do think of them throuhout my day and when I see SS. I am trying to over come some of my past and to do and say the right things to make all my relationships healthy and happy. As many of you know it is so difficult to be in a step family situation and many things cause pain, misunderstandings and hurt. I really want things to work out. I pray and hope for only good to come. Thanks to everyone for the help.