Oh dear, Linda, I'm so sorry to hear about Chrissy. AS Jude said, cancer doesn't play favorites. Lots of hugs to you and prayers and wishes to Chrissy's family and friends, I'm sending all the strong thoughts I can for everyone, especially her children. And you, of course. Annie

I don't think you're a child-hating ogre. I think you're feeling frustrated and isolated, which is a perfectly normal set of human emotions. You said that DH is stepping up, which is promising. It sounds like he genuinely wants to work on this, but isn't sure how to be a real parent. IMO, he wants to be his son's buddy, not his father, which explains the sundae when SS didn't finish his supper. I understand the annoyance at SS asking your mom for a birthday gift. My FDH's son (also 9) also has his "I want" on these days... And it drives me nuts!! But try not to compare what your family does for SS vs. what DH's family does for your kids - it's out of your hands, and isn't worth stewing over. For next year's birthdays, maybe drop a STRONG hint to DH's mom and ask "Do you need gift ideas?" when you invite them to your kids' parties, but try not to waste your energy on this one. Stealing and lying are not OK. What consequence came down for stealing the game and lying about it? Would you mark kids' initials on their games and other valuables to help prevent this is the future? It sounds to me like overall, SS is showing improvement and so are you and DH. In past posts, you didn't seem to even be able to focus on certain things that SS did, or identify exact cases where DH was slipping... But in this one, you are able to articulate precise things that are issues and why. This is probably going to come out all wrong, but if I can clearly identify specific things that A__ (FDH's 9yo son) did that were "bad", then it was a good couple days. For example, A__'s last stay was Friday morning to Sunday afternoon, and it was quite good. He had his "I wants" out, he got busted for a small lie, and he was chewing on the Wii remote, but was overall well-behaved. He had pretty good manners, was positive and helpful, had a good attitude and was mostly listening to us. Basically, he was being 9, not being a little sh17, so it was good. Does that make any sense? IMO, if you can say "He was mostly good, but with the following bad behaviors, ___, ___ and ___" then you're on the right track. I think that venting to us is probably a good way to get your frustration with SS and DH off your chest, and get your thoughts together so that you can talk to DH without exploding. But one thing to note... You mentioned that you feel DH is comparing the kids - well, to be frank, that's what you're doing too. I only deal with one kid at home, so I don't fully know what boat you're in, but please try to remember that each of these kids is different and needs different things from you and DH. Thinking "one does this, and one does that" just sets you, DH and the kids all up for failure.

Lovemykids Too, I'm so sorry you are going through this. There are a lot of parents who have been through similar things, so don't feel like you are the only one. We went through some difficult times with one of my kids, so I sympathize with you and I have advice. First, nurture and take care of your marriage. For a lot of couples these kinds of problems take a toll on a marriage. Next, even if your son won't go to counseling, you can go. Particularly if he has anxiety and/or depression you may want to get some tips on how to handle this from a professional. If you haven't been to counseling before then keep in mind you may have to try more than one to find someone you can relate to. My husband and I found a wonderful counselor who had been through a lot of the same things our child had been through, but the first counselor we tried was a useless waste of time. If it were my child, I would consider paying for a cell phone for my son. It would be worth it to me to be able to call him directly if he went back to live at his girlfriend's house. But you don't owe him a cell phone and don't pay for one if you don't want to. In my opinion you are doing the right thing about the car. If the car becomes a major point of contention then I might even sell it or keep it and store it somewhere else. Since I'm not familiar with the situation I am just guessing, but perhaps the situation might partially resolve itself as time goes on? I can't imagine your son's girlfriend's parents like having an unemployed 19 year old man around who can't help pay for food and has no car. Hmmm, sleeping on the couch, sharing a car, burden on girlfriend's family....betcha there's more to that story than he's telling. Maybe girlfriend will lose interest after a few months if he has no more money. I would talk to the counselor about what to do when your son swears at you and says he hates you. Our daughter never did that and I have no idea what to do but I would be very reluctant to allow a grown man (or woman), even my own child, swear at me and say he hates me while he was standing in my own house. I would sit down with my husband and my son and work out a formal agreement between adults who live in the same house. I would go to a neutral location, like a local McDonald's, sit down with a cup of coffee and a notepad and tell him that you respect the fact that he is an adult. Ask him to tell you what he thinks parents should expect from an adult son living in their house and what adult sons should expect from their parents. Hear him out. Stay calm. Although he is sort of an adult, he's a very young adult, so model the behavior you wish he would use. If he starts getting angry or if you start getting angry, you can always stop the session with "I'm glad we sat down and talked together, it has been very helpful to hear what you think, let us think about it and we'll talk again tomorrow". If he is talking without swearing or yelling then be sure to end the session before he gets tired or overwhelmed and the situation deteriorates. Resist the urge to keep pushing through because he's been *good*. At this point you want to start a pattern of reasonable communication more than you want the agreement, although you do want the agreement. Another tool in your toolbox is "convince me". Instead of convincing HIM that you are right, ask him to convince you. I think I would find something that you think you could compromise on and let him convince you before I started on something bigger. Another great phrase is "you are an adult and I know you will figure this out". Also excellent is "what is your plan", a very versatile phrase. Also good is "you are an adult, adults contribute to the household they live in, how do you plan to contribute to this household". Adults living in a household pay their way, either rent, chores, or both. My daughter asked to discuss our issues by email and I was reluctant to do that, but it worked out much better for her and surprisingly also for her dad. We handled some in person but some in email. Work out consequences for infractions, yours and his. Don't agree to consequences that you won't follow through on. Don't tell him he can't live there if he doesn't mow the grass unless you're prepared to make him move out if he doesn't mow the grass. Not all consequences have to be negative. Maybe one of his consequences has to be finding a joke that makes the whole family laugh, maybe he has to figure out how to make ganache for the family or you get to wake him up with a silly song in the morning. Maybe the family has to eat dinner and talk to one another only through sock puppets, or he has to learn to say a phrase of your choice in Italian. Or give him a choice out of 3 things. I picked something that my daughter could not do without laughing and that worked like magic. She couldn't wallow in her role as martyred victim if she was laughing. Stay calm. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. If your son starts swearing, yelling, saying hateful things or if you start getting angry you can always tell him that you are stepping away for now until you can all talk like reasonable adults. Your theme is reasonable, calm, adult. It may take some time to change the dynamic and don't expect overnight change. Since your son has anxiety and depression, it would probably be very helpful if there is some kind of exercise or outdoor activity he would do with your husband, you, or a sibling. Kayaking? Rock climbing or bouldering? Disc golf? Geocaching? That phone Pokemon thing together? I doubt you will accomplish anything positive by criticizing the girlfriend. Just try not to dwell on the girlfriend in your head. I tried very hard to remember that I taught my daughter to do the right thing, and if she wasn't doing it that was on her, not her boyfriend. Your best hope is that you taught your son well and hopefully he will recognize the flaws in his girlfriend over time and they will either both grow up and be better people or he will end that relationship. Having 5K, blowing it all because his girlfriend wanted him to and ending up with no job, no car, and no money to do fun things with that girlfriend is a priceless lesson that could save him untold amounts of grief later in life. Don't be manipulated, it won't help your son. Have confidence in yourself and remember that what you want is a responsible, reasonable, self-supporting son in the long run. My once-difficult daughter is now a kind, thoughtful, responsible, hard-working, delightful adult who is as lovely on the inside as she is on the outside, which is saying a lot because she's very pretty. I could not ask for a better daughter. And her bratty boyfriend is now a wonderful, responsible, hard-working, delightful adult who is a much-loved and wanted member of our family (they married last year). But in the thick of our difficult times all I could do was try to do the right thing, hang on and hope for the best. Best of everything to you and your family and hang in there.

I don't know if this is good or bad. I went to the local BM paint store today. I was going to grab some paint chips of Hawthorne Yellow (is that what you call the paper strips with three or four or five colors on them?) to put next to "stuff". None in the rack. The only slot out of the 47,000 they have that was empty. I went to the 2 oz. sample rack. Nope, no Hawthorne Yellow (didn't think I'd get lucky). Not a lot of other neat colors, either, but the paint mixer-upper did tell me they are not restocking the small sample jars. The pints are only $7 and the 2 oz. sample jars were $5, so all of us cheapskates around here just buy pints. I did have them mix up a sample pint. Dang, it looks oh-so-different in the can than it does on the chip. Wonder what it's gonna look like on the walls. Guess I'll find out. So do you think in my neck of the woods, it's the color slathered on everyone's walls? Here I thought I was going to pick something unique :-) Now for something completely different: saw these euro shams on clearance plus an additional discount plus free shipping. They didn't have anything else in the pattern which was probably a good thing :-) Does the bicycle print go with anything else in my universe? Nope. Do I care? Nope. We haven't had a car in years, so DH and I rode bicycles everywhere. I saw the pattern, it brought a smile to my face thinking of our many bike rides together so, for somewhere around 12 bucks, I got a much needed dose of temporary happy. I put green sheets on the bed, the blue in the two shams make the icky turquoise on the walls look almost palatable, and the yellow matches Hawthorne Yellow almost exactly. Sometimes it's just little things that put a silly grin on my face :-)