I don't think you're awful!! This is the place you are supposed to be able to safely vent because we are all here because we are all living the difficulties of step-family life.

I really do understand...going through a lot of the same things in my blended family.

I don't think you're a child-hating ogre. I think you're feeling frustrated and isolated, which is a perfectly normal set of human emotions.

You said that DH is stepping up, which is promising. It sounds like he genuinely wants to work on this, but isn't sure how to be a real parent. IMO, he wants to be his son's buddy, not his father, which explains the sundae when SS didn't finish his supper.

I understand the annoyance at SS asking your mom for a birthday gift. My FDH's son (also 9) also has his "I want" on these days... And it drives me nuts!! But try not to compare what your family does for SS vs. what DH's family does for your kids - it's out of your hands, and isn't worth stewing over. For next year's birthdays, maybe drop a STRONG hint to DH's mom and ask "Do you need gift ideas?" when you invite them to your kids' parties, but try not to waste your energy on this one.

Stealing and lying are not OK. What consequence came down for stealing the game and lying about it?
Would you mark kids' initials on their games and other valuables to help prevent this is the future?

It sounds to me like overall, SS is showing improvement and so are you and DH. In past posts, you didn't seem to even be able to focus on certain things that SS did, or identify exact cases where DH was slipping... But in this one, you are able to articulate precise things that are issues and why.
This is probably going to come out all wrong, but if I can clearly identify specific things that A__ (FDH's 9yo son) did that were "bad", then it was a good couple days. For example, A__'s last stay was Friday morning to Sunday afternoon, and it was quite good. He had his "I wants" out, he got busted for a small lie, and he was chewing on the Wii remote, but was overall well-behaved. He had pretty good manners, was positive and helpful, had a good attitude and was mostly listening to us. Basically, he was being 9, not being a little sh17, so it was good. Does that make any sense?
IMO, if you can say "He was mostly good, but with the following bad behaviors, ___, ___ and ___" then you're on the right track.

I think that venting to us is probably a good way to get your frustration with SS and DH off your chest, and get your thoughts together so that you can talk to DH without exploding.

But one thing to note... You mentioned that you feel DH is comparing the kids - well, to be frank, that's what you're doing too. I only deal with one kid at home, so I don't fully know what boat you're in, but please try to remember that each of these kids is different and needs different things from you and DH. Thinking "one does this, and one does that" just sets you, DH and the kids all up for failure.

Oh my...I don't really have any astute advice, but I wanted to offer you some cyber-hugs. You are NOT a bad person for airing your feelings here--your feelings are your feelings and you do need a safe place to express them. I think we have all had days, or weeks, or months where we've felt how you do...I think almost all stepmoms can relate to at least some, if not ALL, of your feelings. I myself can relate to ALL of them at one point or another. The last year for us, since my STBSS started kindergarten and now 1st grade, has been ROUGH. Trust me...I have been where you are, and very recently, too.

Stepparenting is HARD work...particularly when DHs parent out of guilt, are afraid to set limits with their children, etc. I have had to really make some hard choices with my fiance and really try to clarify to him how I feel, and how our family is affected.

(((HUGS)))

I myself am so grateful that school is starting because it means we can ALL get back into a solid routine!

I'm not going back to teaching, but I am doing some part-time tutoring (15-20 hrs/week) and I find myself REALLY looking forward to it!

Is your SS back in school yet?

You're not terrible - you're just angry because you and your possessions are being treated with disrespect. Your husband isn't backing up your need for boundaries and he doesn't seem to care that your life is being made miserable.

You should reclaim your life - and turn this child over to his father to deal with. His father should cook his meals and then see if he is picky. If he disappears, call your husband at work and let him know that he might want to go find his son. If he hits another child, call your husband and tell him that it's time to come home and deal with it. Stop washing his clothes or cleaning up his messes. Your husband needs to either parent his son or send the kid back to the BM.

Lovehadley - good news about the tutoring!

Thank you so much for allowing me "a bad day" or week :) School starts for us after Labor Day. We just returned from a successful trip to the library. I looked for that book I keep reading about The Dance of Angry--didn't have it but I did pick up some books on difficult and angry children I will also look for tips in. Will pick up the other book at a book store.
I think the difference in the way my husband and I compare the kids is that I consider my kids' behavior normal and they are my parenting experience so I do tend to use it as a baseline for normal behavior from SS and when he's really acting out. I think what my husband does is tries to deflect anything I bring up about SS by throwing one of mine under the bus. He holds them to different standards too. He has NO PROBLEM maintaining a shower schedule for my 13 yr old, but last week, SS went 5 days no shower. Yes wetting every night. I tried a "hands off" to see if maybe he wouldn't wet if I wasn't chasing him in shower every morning. He just didn't shower for 5 days until I finally gave in and asked him to. His BM sends him with deoderant so I'm sure he's aware when he needs to shower. The part that bothered me was that my husband polices showers for the other chilren, just not his own. I'm beating a dead horse, progress is being made, it's just one step at a time.

When he stole the game he got "a good talking to" by dad about integrity and your word. When we ask him if he behaves this way at his moms he says he does. When we ask what happens there "we have a talk" Honestly I think..there's 3 kids here and 5 over there half of what he does he just wants some inividual attention. Stealing hasn't been a big issue since, but lying continues....

A couple weeks ago we were on an outing on a Coast Guard Ship this cruise was open to the public so there were many other families. After about an hour he'd gotten bored and (we thought) made friends with a boy about his age. We saw them talking and were impressed by his outgoingness --kind of out of charachter for him. Few minutes later that boy he'd been talking to came to me and said that SS told him that SS had told my D this boy liked her and thought she was pretty. SS then told this perfect stranger that my D said eww, he's ugly, I don't like him and go away.
I was amazed at this boys bravery to tell me this(he was nly 10), and horrified that SS would be so cruel to a perfect stranger. There was no other intent than to hurt his feelings.

I've been a stepfather for 11 years and I've experienced some of the same frustrations as you. How old is your stepson and how long have you been married to his father?

I'm at work right now, so I need more time to read your posts and let you know more of my thoughts.

My stepson turned 9 last week and although I have only been married to his dad for 2.5 years we have been together for a total of five years now. The first 2-3 years I told myself that I love my husband more than this kid hates me or more than he acts out. Last year I said this year is better than last year. And this year has been the absolute WORST. I know that part of this is simply his age, but there is a much bigger part that is way beyond blaming this on his age. Or blaming the fact that he has different households to shuttle between because the other two kids in this house visit other households too and they don't create these problems.
Today when he ran his mouth and went to his room, he called his mommy (on the cell phone she got him for his birthday) to get himself a ride home. My Husband actually sent me a text saying she was coming to get him. All you know what broke loose after that. I had to explain to him that is way too much power for a 9 yr old and if he lets him go, it undercuts any authority I could ever have with him. So my husband decided to call his ex and amazingly she didn't want to come get him, and she actually said I should have popped him in the mouth when he wanted to call me a jerk and a liar and being disrespectful.

THANK GOD I'm finally getting some cooperation. BTW, I don't hit him. He pushed me once when he was five into being angry enough to spank him and it really scared me so for 4 yrs I have had a hands off policy. I really think HIS PARENTS need to give him a good spanking. I will spank my own, but honestly don't remember the last time I had to.

It's difficult to know from your posts if the child is angry, or if there's a bigger problem. You've raised children yourself so your instincts are important in determining if his bad behaviour is the result of lax parenting and being shuffled between two houses, or if something else is at work.

It's interesting that his mother didn't want to pick him up after his outburst. Maybe she wanted to give you an opportunity to set some limits. Or, maybe she is just be worn out by him.

Is there any chance of getting the child assessed by a psychologist? I know that you've just hit the library, but here's another book that we found very helpful (and it was given to us by a psychologist). It's called the "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and it's quite well known. Here's a link with more info:

http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/006077939X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219238649&sr=1-1

This book is great - but the method requires a lot of work by the parents. Your husband would have to be far more proactive and consistent than he is now to make it work.

Hi All!

This is a very interesting topic to me as I also have a SS this age (10). I have been in his life since he was barely 4 and we have always gotten along. Since last summer we seemed to have hit some rough patches with no huge issues, but lots of little ones. I am in constant fear that I am being a "evil stepmom," but at the same time refuse to run my house like his other home just to make him happy. My husband also has had a few rough spots with him, but is not as sensitive as I am so he does not care when SS is mad at us.

It seems that a lot of what I am hearing from other SM is what is happening around here. My SS seems to never get enough, EVER. He got 2 WIIs for his bday, yes I said 2. One here for him and his dad and one at his mom's for his bday. One month later he wanted a Xbox 360!!! He also got my old Ipod and just got a cell phone at his mom's. We talked to him the other night and he told us he got a cell phone. ( I am sorry but I do not see what a 10 year old needs with a cell phone, he cant even remember to changes his underwear). He said "but its only stepdad's old phone and only has one game on it" he sounded disappointed!!! Before he returned to his mom's home for the school year he asked that I make him a chocolate cake. I obliged happily, but then he pointed out that it was not infact from scratch and just a box cake (no his mom does not bake at all so that is not it). He also pointed out every thing I did not do for him, with him, or make him this summer. He, however, never mentioned all the great things I did for him, with him, or made him. Anyway I am rambling. I guess my point is that I think a lot of this age. (I even caught him trying to cheat playing a board game with his 2-year-old sister who we were trying to teach Candyland to.) So yes I do think a lot of this is age. In my case I think my SS is spoiled rotten by ALL in his life even us. I think it is okay to spoil your kids sometimes, but he gets it from every side possible because he has two homes and multiple grandparents. I think this is a tough age and is made tougher by the situation. My advice to the OP is that maybe SS needs someone to talk to because he does sound a bit angrier than other 10 year old I know. I also think dad is parenting out of guilt which I have seen done and done myself. It is a tangled web I tell ya that. Just hang in and to all of us with preteen Skids we better get ready cuz the teen years will be nutty!

That is no kidding! My oldest being 13 and a member of multiple families since she was three has also been spoiled by all the love and affection. She is a grateful kid, (thanks me for cooking her dinner) and that just makes it easier to give give give to her! I am extremely lucky that when her Dad and I dated we babysat his 2yr old sister alot and had many conversations of how our child would be, and act and what he/she would get away with. 90% of the time we coparent really well because we grew our parenting ideas together before we had kids. We rarely fight over age appropriate, or things being too extravagent. Last year for her Bday we went in 50% 50% for an ipod (in an effort to stop the over giving) In this situation I know I am blessed!

I think my SS's bottomless pit of need and want is magnified by his lack of gratitude for things he gets. For example... He's not an outdoorsy kid in the least. If I didn't know better I'd think he was born with a video game in his hand. Last summer BM suggested we buy him a bike for our house. I didn't see the point as he never goes outside, but went along with it because I'd sure WANT him to go outside! Anyhow I can count on both hands how many times he's been on the bike in the last year and 2 weeks ago he proclaimed he needed a new bike because that one isn't good enough (for whatever reason...) I was floored! I have never bought either of my bio kids a brand new bike from a store! I have bought them each one at garage sales for $5 a piece. They don't ride a lot either so can't see ivesting $100 to park in the garage. SS's could probably pass as new and be returned to store, but it's not good enough for him. He had a gameboy (he lost by leaving in a movie theater because you need to play a game while watching a movie right?) His BM bought him a DS for birthday last year, it's no longer good enough either, he wants a PSP.

Personally, I am anti clutter and materialism. I found the gifts they get (all of the kids) get tossed on the closet floor and forgotten so I try to avoid that by giving an experience instead. If it's a day at the zoo, amusement park, or whatever so I really struggle with the materialism and bottomless pit. Of course, with SS I continue to contribute to it hoping maybe someday I'll get him something he likes or says thank you for LOL!

Your husband needs to continue to be very active in parenting. The fact that he wasn't doing much there for so long could be one of the reasons why you have had so much trouble with your stepson.

In your house there have to be rules of conduct that are followed and respected. There have to be consequences when those rules are broken. Your husband, not you, should be the one to discipline your stepson.

My wife and I don't believe in spanking, and so we have never spanked our kids. Before we were married, we decided that she would continue to discipline the kids she had from her previous marriage. This turned out to be the best solution for us.

While I haven't agreed with some of my wife's discipline methods, I decided to focus on the big picture of keeping a good relationship with her. I figured that the best strategy for good child behavior and a happy household was for me to help make our marriage as strong as I could.

Once your stepson learns that his misbehavior is not going to constantly drive a wedge between you and your husband, hopefully he will settle down.