First: I would immediately block his status updates from showing on my wall.

then I would message him and tell him that I was surprised and sorry to see that he grew up to be such an ugly, racist person and for that reason he shouldn't be expecting a family reunion anytime soon....

Then I would unfriend him.

ML

Pretty much what she said. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends (and what family members we want to keep in touch).

I dunno, Maddie. If he wasn't so closely related I'd do it in a heartbeat. But being the son of my mom's twin, I just don't think I could do it. That's why I'm so torn.

What I could do is fix it to where his posts don't show up on my newsfeed, but then I'd miss finding other cousins.

I don't have the guts to tell him what you said though. One good thing is no one replied or liked the post. That spoke volumes to me.

What a conundrum!

Well, you could also take the risk and turn it into a personal witness/teaching moment.

You could respond to him and reflect your shock and dismay (I'd leave out the disgust) about what he wrote.

And then you could give your reasons why you see things completely differently. If you can give family reasons (your Mom and her ideas that she got in your common grandparents' family), so much the better.

I guess the point is to register a different viewpoint and stand up for beliefs that you clearly hold, no matter if they diifer from your cousins' beliefs. .

Racism won't die in a vacuum where racists don't hear anything else except racism. Nor does it die (quickly) by outraged shaming.

It dies when minds are changed and hearts are opened.

You, because of your deep family connection with this man, have a way to get through to at least one person - and who knows, maybe even more beyond your cousin.

What have you got to lose?

I don't quite know how FB works, but you could decide on whether to embark on this conversation privately, or more publicly if you think your other cousins would want to get in on this, as well.

HTH

L.

Well, you could also take the risk and turn it into a personal witness/teaching moment.

You could respond to him and reflect your shock and dismay (I'd leave out the disgust) about what he wrote.

And then you could give your reasons why you see things completely differently. If you can give family reasons (your Mom and her ideas that she got in your common grandparents' family), so much the better.

I guess the point is to register a different viewpoint and stand up for beliefs that you clearly hold, no matter if they diifer from your cousins' beliefs. .

Racism won't die in a vacuum where racists don't hear anything else except racism. Nor does it die (quickly) by outraged shaming.

It dies when minds are changed and hearts are opened.

You, because of your deep family connection with this man, have a way to get through to at least one person - and who knows, maybe even more beyond your cousin.

What have you got to lose?

I don't quite know how FB works, but you could decide on whether to embark on this conversation privately, or more publicly if you think your other cousins would want to get in on this, as well.

HTH

L.

I would let him know that you have a different point of view and don't agree with his statements. You might just have to agree to disagree if he is set in his ways and not open to change. Most of us deal with this with religion and politics.

I want to comment on the spelling issue. I tend to react the way you do too, when I see a post full of spelling errors, but some very educated people can't spell. My DH is a perfect example, he is a numbers/math genius, has an MBA from a top university,excellent job, but his spelling is atrocious. It seems to be a genetic thing because several in his family are terrible spellers. One of my DSs also inherited this trait.

I'd leave out the part about him being an ugly racist person and let him know he's important to you but he has a belief you find offensive. You're offended by this part of him, not of him.

I have a neighbor I love dearly, same age as my mother (late 80's) and I know if I needed someone to help me if ill, she would cook, clean, help me bathe if needed, defend me to the death if she felt I was wronged. She's a simple, lonely, uneducated woman who has been a big part of my daily adult life - hardworking and honest to a fault (read no filters :)). But, I won't discuss race or politics with her, those subjects are off limits. Can I change her....not a chance. Can I appreciate her good qualities - yes, and I do.

Chispa, my DH is the same way. He has a J.D. and a minor in Spanish so he gets real confused at times. lol. But the spelling I'm talking about are simple words. Like "Their, there, they're." And others.

Our mother's were raised in an orphanage by the time they were 3 or 4, and I can't see my Aunt tolerating that type of behavior, but then again I didn't live with her.

I'm going to sit back and see if he says anything else outrageous. I don't really know him well enough to lecture him, even in a kind way. This is all new to me.

Now I hope he doesn't ask to come to OK. for a visit. He said we needed to get together. Uh..no. :)

I think this is a more common problem than you realize.... I bet most people have racist relatives -the difference is just in degrees. And so it is a problem that some people have to face just at holidays, and some people much more frequently. Since you are just getting reacquainted, I do think you have an opportunity to say, "Bob, I have so enjoyed getting reacquainted with you after all these years, but I have to tell you that statements like that *really* offend me. I hope we can continue to get to know each other, but just wanted to let you know upfront that I have no tolerance for that kind of talk." You don't have to make any 'or else' statements, just be clear about your own feelings. I always think that in many ways, this lack of tolerance that many of us have to deal with is a form of bullying, and nobody says anything, which of course, is how bullies continue on. So while it is somewhat comforting that nobody chimed in on his FB page to support him, it's another example of many of us just wimping out and not calling it what it is. I routinely have to wimp out and hide relatives' postings on my FB page....but there is just no changing them. And I am known in the family as the one who went and got herself educated and has 'never really been the same since...."

I would not unfriend/distance myself from him for many reasons. However, being passive = acceptance. There's a way to do it without it being a big deal, but you get your point across.

Example-- my friend (not a close one) was talking to me about "Obama's gay agenda in public schools." I stopped the conversation at that point, and said, "I'm not trying to change your mind about this, but I just want you to know that I am not anti-gay." She started to try to talk to me about it, and I said, "No, no . . .you're not going to change my mind about it, either, but I just want you to know I am not against people who are gay." That was that.

My mom's long-lost foster brother included her in his mass "joke" emails that were racist, against undocumented workers, etc. My mom has worked her entire life with people who are immigrants, so she was surprised he'd consider sending them to her. She said something to the effect of, "I don't find these emails funny," and that was that. He truly respects her, so I am hoping that made some difference. Maybe not, but the offensive emails stopped.

Well, you can bet that this is likely not the only belief/behavior that you are going to find offensive. So unless you're able to let him know you don't want to listen to that kind of talk, that you totally disagree, then you're going to subject yourself to more of it, if you remain in contact with him. If you can't stand up for your beliefs with people you know and love, then who WOULD you stand up to? You have much less chance of affecting strangers than those who love you.

I'm not sure why someone else's lack of education and spelling errors would cause YOU embarrassment? It has no reflection on you whatsoever.

I also recently reunited with family I hadn't had contact with in over 30 years. I thoroughly enjoyed my visit with them in person, and in catching up with them on FB. However, we are worlds apart in some of our social and religious beliefs. Fortunately, I haven't experienced any racist remarks from them, and I don't think I will-but I do know that those family members aren't as progressive in racial matters as other members of my family.

In addition, my husbands family has a tendency to post things that I consider intolerant. What I have found best is to ignore their posts-for the ones who post that garbage frequently, I have hidden them-and the most vehement ones I've unfriended.

My own brother, who I HAVE told repeatedly, and gotten into FB discussions with, will occasionally post things, but I think he's gotten so little response from the rest of the family that he has pretty much quit doing it. I've been privately messaged by family who have thanked me for calling my brother out on his hateful comments (they're not necessarily racist, but he DOES make very disparaging remarks about the POTUS-and they're racially tinged).

My best advice is to ignore that particular post. If he continues to do things like that, then you might message him privately that it really bothers you and you don't want to lose touch with him, but you'll have to block him from your feed if he continues. I'd normally say stand up to racists or hate comments, but you don't know this family member really well yet. I don't think your silence equals support or even passive encouragement. Silence on FB speaks volumes sometimes.

I would say something in a private message. I have a dear friend of almost 50 years who included me in some mass emails after September 11 that I found to be extremely offensive. I emailed her and reminded her of the diversity of students in my school (race, religion, nationality) and told her I did not agree with anything in her message-she has known my political beliefs since 1966. I asked her not to send me any more messages like that. She did not. We are still friends. I do doubt that she has changed her ideas and I know we are polar opposites politically, but we do not broach those subjects anymore. I do try to model my beliefs and maybe someday, she will come around to a different view. I would do anything for her and she for me, I am sure. I must say, I am disappointed in her attitudes on some issues, but I imagine she thinks that I am terribly misguided-which, of course, I am not. ;) Still, we get together several times a year and always have fun catching up.

Bottom line, I do believe we must stand up in situations such as the one with which you are faced. I do think it is wrong not to do so and implies approval if you let it go. It can be done in a way that is firm and sure and without anger, even though you may be angry (I was, for sure), More lasting progress and change is accomplished that way than with angry reactions intended to 'punish' someone.

I also would not worry about spelling. I think that is just silly considering the typos I make when I type or text.

There is no greater strength than gentleness. Lao Tzu That doesn't mean ignoring prejudice and injustice, though.

You can't choose your family but you can de- friend them :-)

Personally, I think anyone who lets a racist comment like that slide is guilty of a different kind of "soft" racism ----of seeming agreement. In this situation I would have two choices: call him out with a polite comment on his wall, or de-friend and block him and let him know why in a private message If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

And yes, there is an entire state full of my relatives who have not spoken to me since the 2008 election. And that's just MY side of the family.

I'd just hide him from listing on my page. Stay friends but dont hear what they talk about. It's a kinder break up of sorts. (I have those family too.) I relate. I should have been adopted.

Oak, I hope I am not being offensive, but you frequently misuse apostrophes and I never think it reflects poorly on you regarding intellect/your level of education. As others have said, one might be a genius and have issues with spelling, punctuation, etc. Most of us do to some degree.

Also, regarding racism or any other "ism"-- I see it as part illness (passed down in families as well as society) and part lack of experience. I do believe most people can and would change their views, given enough meaningful experiences.

Call me intolerant but I tend to remove people from my life who make my "skin crawl."

I'm guilty of the apostrophe thing, I admit. The possessives/possessive's have always thrown me for a loop. lol. However, being publicly called out on it here and someone doing a topic on it without naming me is offensive. I do understand what you're saying though. Although I called out my cousin's here, no one reading this would have a clue who they are. Unless you're a FB friend. :)

The misspelling is for simple words & is frequent. When they write on my FB page and my friend's know we're related, that's when it embarrasses me. I know, I'm a snob. :)

I do disagree that not saying anything on his post isn't implying I agree with him. I think no one replying to him sends a bigger message. I've seen other posts where people are on their soapbox about something and no one replies.

Bestyears, you're right. I think it's a common problem in most families. Had he said that to my face I would have spoken up.

You are just beginning to "know" him, it's the perfect time to distance yourself, you are already cringing at the thought that he might want to visit you, that's a lot of writing on the wallâ¦â¦

I am sorry it came across as offensive-- I wasn't meaning to "call you out on it" for the purpose of an insult by any means. My purpose was to show that all of us, inc. you, make mistakes and it's OK.

RE: apostrophes-- I can help, if you are interested.

This post was edited by anele on Mon, Jul 8, 13 at 8:12

"The misspelling is for simple words & is frequent. When they write on my FB page and my friend's know we're related, that's when it embarrasses me. I know, I'm a snob. :) "

"Although I called out my cousin's here... my friend's..."
These are errors as simple as misspelling the word cat.

Is the poor spelling more of an issue than the racism?

I can generally get apostrophes in the right places, but can you help me with commas?

I'm surprised the comments were allowed to remain on Facebook.

Anele - you are a smart cookie! You are also very gracious.

I totally agree with Anele about letting someone know you do not share their thoughts (her "gay" example was perfect). I also agree in not simply "dropping" a new found relative over this. I would try to get to know him further before making up my mind.

Graywings, I need help in the comma dept. myself! I also get confused with further/farther, few/less, etc.

Tina, that is kind of you to say.

Your relative sounds like he's totally déassé.

Kswl, I'm not even going to dignify your question with an answer.

Anele, my poor DH has been trying to help me for years! I don't know what it is. When I took college literature I got an "A." But Lord, did my Prof. circle a lot of words in red. lol.

I'm really not offended by what you said, I'm still smarting over the "blind item" apostrophe topic done on my behalf a year or so ago.

Anyway, the funniest thing I saw was when my husband brought home a paper he did in Law Review. I was the one who typed it (30 pages) so I had to know the grade. There was no grade on the front of the paper, but on each page was a ton of red circles on many many words. Remember, he minored in Spanish.

My heart was sinking until I looked at the last page. He got an "A!" But they were harder words than "Cat." :)

I think I'll take a haitus like many others have. Had anyone other than myself written this topic, I don't think for one minute they would have received such rude replies. Excluding you, Anele. :) I have tried to be kind to everyone but the same group seems to "get off" on talking down to me. I'm just tired.

Your relative sounds like he's totally déassé.

LOL!

âÂÂTake a hiatusâÂÂ, because of rude replies? What am I missing here?

From what IâÂÂve read, GW members have responded with helpful advice regarding the OPâÂÂs original question, WWYD? regarding her cousinâÂÂs FB remarks.

Oakley, I just read all the replies again. You got responses from maddielee, allison0704, liriodendron, chipsa, morz8, kellyeng, bestyears, anele, olychick, pesky, kwsl, golddust, tinam61, bumblebeez, mitchdesi, graywings, and me. You excluded only anele from your comment about rude replies. Perhaps if you reread, you will see that you might be taking offense at imagined insults. I think we all addressed your question respectfully and many of shared our own experiences with the similar situations. I saw only one comment that I could see you not liking, but that was it.

Of course, taking a hiatus may be a good thing, but please don't blame those who tried to address your question honestly. You disagreed with several statements and no one jumped on you about your opinions. Every post was a personal opinion, it seems to me. If you mean my comment about it being silly to worry about spelling, that was directed at myself and I constantly need to do that since I am such a grammar, spelling, and language nerd.

I'm sorry but I didn't see any rude replies either. I guess it is all in how we choose to read them.

I was going to say about the spelling that he may just be dyslexic and then even simple words become hard to spell. My sister does this all the time and she is dyslexic, actually seems the simpler they are the worse the spelling.

I think others have covered already what to do about the racist comments. Actually very good advice.

Oak, I didn't even mean to imply you should be concerned with apostrophes! Even the word "apostrophe" seems silly, now that I am reading it. I missed the thread about apostrophes completely, otherwise I would not have mentioned it at all. I'm sorry. :(

As you know, content is far more important, and that is the root of the matter in the case of your cousin. It is so disappointing that you worked hard to find a family connection, only to feel so disconnected. Don't give up, though. My mom and her foster brother are miles apart in some of their views, but it has been wonderful having him in our lives. Like you, we have so few living relatives, and he has been very kind to us.

Keep talking on the phone with him. If this topic comes up one-on-one during your conversations, then you can gently let him know that you have a different opinion. You have nothing to lose and a lot to potentially gain.

Oakley, I don't know you from Adam and go not "get off" on talking down to anyone. That isn't the purpose of this forum!

I was trying to make the point that lack of education is not a character flaw. Poor grammar and spelling can be the result of economic hardship, learning disabilities, or just plain tiredness---- whereas racism is an active, volitional character flaw. I'm sorry that you were offended by what was, to me, a clear delineation between these two issues.

Oh, sigh...

I should have known better than to reply because previous experience with Oakley's WWYD queries ought to have taught me that there isn't really much interest in others' viewpoints.

Nobody was rude, not one person that I can see. The vast majority proposed that Oakley tactfully, graciously, but firmly, stand up for what she says she believes. Most people also stated that letting it slide was tacit acceptance of unacceptable attitudes. Although most did not, a few suggested confrontation. (if that is what is meant by "unfriending", I don't use FB so I don't know how it works but it sounds confrontational to me - the modern-day equivalent of the "cut direct").

I hope my suggestion which was to address this with Oakley's cousin didn't imply I wanted unpleasantness. I was only suggesting that she has an opportunity to speak up for what she feels is right - and perhaps move someone to a point a bit beyond racism.

But I recall previous WWYD queries that devolved into hurt feelings because what was really wanted, apparently, wasn't suggestions or advice, but validation for Oakely's already-made opinion or actions.

And Oakley, I don't think anybody was trying to embarrass you about how you write or spell. No long time reader/poster here could fail to perceive the active, intelligent brain inside your head. I think the reason Anele brought it up was to try and allay your concerns about your cousins' writing styles appearing ignorant or uneducated. People have varying abilities to write stuff according to the accepted rules. It often has nothing to with intelligence, or education. There are brain quirks involved, as well. It sounds like this is sore subject for you and that at some point someone made you feel bad about your writing style. I recall the apostrophe thread that you took such umbrage at. At the time I didn't think it was aimed at you, and I still don't.

(If there was a thread about why some lazy, unschooled, ignorant people can;t figure out that there;s an apostrophe in contractions, not a semicolon, then I;d know they were aiming square at me. In this case it;s not spelling but typing errors. I wish someone could explain how to exchange the character production of those two keys - it would save me so much time!)

I;m sure you can figure out what I mean with all my mis-typed semicolons, just like I can figure what you mean to say with a few extra 'postrophe's thrown in the mix. And the reason I read here is because I'm interested in what ideas posters have about things. If I wanted perfect I'd just read Fowler.

If you're determined to take offense when none was intended, we can't stop you. But to my mind it's way too hot this summer to be stewing over something that hasn't happened. if you need a break, take one. Hope to see you back, soon.

L.

This is supposed to be a fun place to learn new things, hear opinions, take or leave advise. It's not an English class!
That said, Anele, i understand where you were going with your comment.
Oakley, I think I understand what you are feeling. Two things going on here. You are disappointed in the man your cousin became. I think you are right in assuming this cousin is not well educated. Point two, he is racist and you find this offensive.
Ask yourself if you can get past his racist remarks? If you can't, then that is the answer.
When you post something personal on this forum, you have to expect a wide range of opinions. Take what you want from it, and "throw the rest away."
Because everything is in writing, it is easy to take things the wrong way, not in the way intended. But, since we are adults, we also have to be mature enough to handle what we might not want to hear.

LOL @ Bumblebeez.

This is one of those times you need to pick your battles~you can keep quiet and accept his faults, or speak up and be aware you could possibly lose a future relationship, forever. I have cousins I see maybe every 2 years, and I've learned to accept them as they are. I was a young woman when I moved to a big city from a small Midwest town, and realized years ago I wouldn't be the person I am today if I would have remained there.

Thru the exposure of a different way of life, people who were more educated, and my experiences as well as those of others, I became more open minded, and things that 'worked back home' weren't as accepted in the city, racial slurs being only one. I know this for fact as my one brother and one sister, as well as my best friend of 55 years have what I've always referred to as small town mentality. I love them, but believe 'mental growth' can become stunted if you're not exposed to things out of the norm.

As for the 'bad' spelling, they were never corrected, or didn't care, but have somehow managed to get by in life, right? It's one of my pet peeves also, but I bite my tongue. When I hear my brother say 'youse' or my friend say 'I seen', because I love them I couln't correct them if someone gave me a million bucks! It's up to you to weigh the importance of things you have no control over. Good luck with whatever your choice oak, and please make your hiatus a short one.