You are going to get a whole myriad of responses. I'll start with the caveat that I can't stand my MIL and the mugs in my cupboards are all sets and they match and they match my kitchen. So with that in mind - your MIL was out of line for being critical of your home and how you want it to work and look. She should apologize for that.

What does your DH think you need to apologize for? Not liking an ugly mug? That doesn't make sense.

For being critical of him in front of his mother? Maybe. In which case you need to apologize to him but not to her.

If she knew you threw the first one away, why would she bring another one over?

No, I don't think she should get an apology for you not liking an item you didn't purchase or keeping your house your way.

Honestly, with his history I'm a little surprised he's not being more supportive of you.

Jennifer

I think that what is happening here is actually not being said here.
Although ,I don't have a MIL and a FIL, I do have a SIL that I do not get along with. For my husband's sake, this is his only surving sister, I try to be respectful. It is hard because through the years I felt my DH took her side over mine. Until I learned my SIL MO, and was able to show DH what she was doing, nothing was able to change.
So, why am I telling you this? Pesky, you have a long history with a woman that you find difficult. But ,she is your MIL and warrants a certain degree of respect. You probably need to limit your contact with her. If your house is not up to her standards, then guess what? You will visit her in her home.
Through the years I have had private conversation with my SIL. I now know that nothing will change in terms of our relationship.I would have liked nothing more than to be friends with her! One example, while my DD's were small she used to tell my DH that she was coming up this weekend. Finally I had to say to her that since I was the one that entertained her, she needed to run it by me first. There are many examples of how she manipulates things, but that would be for another post.We also have a difference of opinion about honesty.
You need to set boundaries as this relationship is toxic for you.
Things like this have the habit of getting blown out of proportion. After really analyzing what my SIL was doing, and being able to verbalize it and show my DH he no longer argues with me about her.
Could you say to DH, that "as you can see, things become strained with MIL on a daily basis and I need a little distance sometimes?"

Pesky, I don't know the backstory with your MIL, so take that into account when deciding whether to consider my two cents.

To me it seems like your MIL has poor boundaries if, in addition to bringing you an un-needed mug to replace one you got rid of, she wants to control where the mug is stored.

But, it seems likely that she was more interested in making a statement about the condition of your home than she was in where the mug went.

We are all sensitive to criticism about the state of our house when it isn't at its best. Whether the cleaning could be done by you, by DH, or by Santa Claus isn't the point--it is YOUR house and you didn't invite her over for a cleaning critique, so she should have kept her judgments to herself. Period.

If part of your upset is that DH was not helping you clean, that is a separate issue that you should take up with him independently. Likewise the fact that he lets his mother criticize without defending you. That would have me seeing red.

Whether or not I apologized to MIL would depend on how nasty I had been in talking to her. I might apologize for my tone but I would state very directly that she is not welcome in my home until and unless she understands she is not welcome to critique.

Perhaps you could tell MIL about how my mother treated my SIL the same way and as a result mother has not seen her son or grandchildren in six years. That might make her stop and think!

Sneak the dang mug into her kitchen cabinet next time you are there. Your DH can use it when he visits her. Then, the next holiday where you swap gifts, buy her more so she'll have a set... since she likes them so much.

Allison - that made me laugh out loud!

If anyone came into my house (relative or so-called friend) and said 'just look around at this place, what difference does it make?' I would have told them the visit was over.

She apologized, so you should apologize. Just be big about it and keep peace in the family. Fighting over a dumb mug and a messy house isn't worth hard feelings. Drop the mug on the floor and be done with it.

I would have taken the cup, thanked her, ignored her remark, and as soon as she was out the door, I would have thrown it away (or given to goodwill). Sounds like she likes to push your buttons and when you don't rise to the bait, she will get tired of trying.

Since this is your husband's mother, I would do what is best for the most people. Upa'Lazy is right, you took the bait. That's where you can make the change from now on. Don't give her the power by bickering. I think your husband was right to keep quiet. You're two grown women who should be able to communicate with out snapping at each other. She apologized and I'd leave it at that. If it bothers you, give her a call and say "things got a little crazy about the mug, I'm not happy that I reacted" and leave it at that. I think we need to have more patience with some people, they will never change so adjust your reactions. I kinda feel sorry for your husband. He had to be uncomfortable, imagine him bickering with your Mom. He's the one I'd talk to and apologize for your reaction.

Why does Pesky owe this woman an apology? Doesn't matter who she is, she was out of line.

Well, I told my husband that his mother had no right to attack me like that and he did agree. He thought about how she acted and realized she is the definition of passive-aggressive.

She brings him CR*P every day. I am not kidding you. He tells her not to bring anything and she does it any way. Just the other day she brought him some cheap shoes she'd picked up at a yard sale. Today, in addition to the mug was a tee shirt. I convinced him to throw away the shoes. Clothing is more difficult-he thinks he can find someone to give it to.

People give my husband the most awful things...our family room has a western feel to it (not a theme) and he and I have carefully chosen the items for the room. Also, he recently got a tattoo that features his late father as an Indian chief...so of course, people now assume he wants Native American, wolf, moose, horse and cowboy decor. I threw away 2 cheesy (made in China!!) dream catchers today while straightening up the entry counter in the garage. He feels bad declining this junk and pretty much leaves it up to me to get rid of it. His mother is tops at bringing this garbage over. Just the other day she texted him a picture of a gun cabinet that she thought was much better than that 'piece of junk' one he has. He got pretty angry since he happened to pick it out, and we both love it. We turned it into a curio/gun cabinet, but apparently she doesn't approve. I suspect it's because she thinks I picked it out, not him.

So it wasn't really about the condition of my house (I spent a couple hours spiffing today and it's once again presentable)-it was the way she implies that I 'control' what her son can have. Usually I just blow it off, but this time I'd had it and called her out on it.

I suspect that mug IS going to happen to fall on the garage floor. The last mug was retrieved by her from the GS pile and just 'appeared' back in my cabinet. However I noticed the next day my husband brought it out to the garage to use as a bird seed scoop.

First, sorry for such a long winded answer but....

I completely agree, irregardless of the condition of your home and/or the way it's kept your MIL crossed a line by voicing her opinion about it and deserved whatever response she got. It's YOUR home and you owe no one any explanations or apologies as to why it is the way it is. Under the circumstances, I know I certainly wouldn't feel the need to apologize. If anything, your husband owes you an apology for allowing his mother to speak about it the way she did.

That said, I really don't think this argument is as much about something as trivial as a mug and/or the fact that your MIL crossed a line. There are much bigger issues behind this regarding respect and boundaries within your marriage.

I'm going to assume by the way your post is worded, that you didn't ask your husband if you could get rid of the original mug; you just got rid of it with the assumption that it didn't have much meaning to him. When your MIL gave him the 2nd mug, you said you told them it didn't match the others and it could go in a different cabinet. If that's the case, why couldn't the first mug have gone there as well? Regardless of what your reasoning was at the time, it's wrong to arbitrarily toss or get rid of something that's not yours. Even if it seems insignificant to you it may be very important to him. By just tossing it, you are clearly not respecting him in that regard.

It's great that your fixing up and organizing, but in doing so, you need to find a way to incorporate the things that matter to each of you (or negotiate a compromise about what can stay or go)

Now, since your MIL came armed with a new mug, it's also easy to assume that when DH saw his mug was gone, instead of (or in addition to) confronting you about it, he (also?) went complaining to his mother and most likely he complains or vents to her often. By doing this not only is he negatively influencing her opinion of you but he's also sending the message that it's okay for her to meddle. That's not fair to you and is wrong on so many levels. I think it's a very big mistake to vent to extended family instead of keeping marital issues like this private. In 13 years of marriage no one in my family or even outside of the family has ever heard me say a harsh word about my husband or visa versa. As with any couple, we may sometimes have our disagreements but they are always kept private and worked out between us.

Marriage is all about respect and working as a team. Before my husband became ill, he and I always cleaned and even cooked together. Even now when he sees me working around the house, he will get up and do what he can to help. We believe when both spouses work, that's just the way it should be. IMHO, your DH owes YOU an apology if he expects you to spend your off time cleaning while he's sitting on his a*s watching you clean. This is especially true when he knows you have not been well. (I'm referring to your post last week about the recent diagnosis of cellulitis in your other leg).

If you separate the issues it seems you both owe each other an apology. But you both also need to have a serious talk about setting rules/boundaries within the marriage and respecting them.

Lastly, I've noticed when you post that you seem to be very forgiving and have a lot of compassion or understanding for all the different issues your DH seems to have, but so far from what I can tell, it isn't a two way street. Your husband should never have allowed your MIL to speak to you in that manner and he certainly shouldn't be leaving the responsibility of the house on your shoulders especially when he knows you aren't well. As his wife, you deserve better and he should want better for you.

Also, for what it's worth, can I just add that before I met my husband, my behavior in previous relationships was very different. I can blame it on maturity or just not knowing better, but most of what I know now about being a good partner, I've learned from my husband's example. You've posted at lot about your relationship Pesky and even though there are two sides to very story, I feel like I've been in similar shoes. Somethings can be fixed with an apology and other things can't. Whether it's from him or someone else, you deserve better.

Wow.

First let me say how sorry I am that this is the MIL that happens to be yours. I happen to have the world's best MIL and FIL, and I do appreciate them for that.

I agree with a lot of what has already been said. That your MIL is passive aggressive, and difficult. That your DH was completely caught in the middle of a no-win situation in his own home. That you were blindsided by your MIL's rude behavior and comments.

But most importantly, that this is a common behavior pattern for MIL, and she is not going to change.

She may have a compulsion to shop/collect, and is trying to make you having the items an excuse for her compulsive behavior. Don't let it!

So I believe that it is in your best interest to pick your battles, give in when it is not important to you, stick up for yourself, your husband, your marriage, and your home when it is important to you, and to have a strategy session with your husband so you two have a united front on these matters.

Then I most heartily agree with the poster who said to not "take the bait". You are adults, and have every right to decide what is in your home, where it goes, and how it is used.

I do think that offering an apology, especially when she doesn't deserve it, can go a long way to your well-being. You can say that you are sorry that things got out of hand, and that you feel bad that you may have been unappreciative. Than you can follow with. It's just that DH and I really want to do this on our own, and don't want any hurt feelings, but that you need her to not bring you or DH anything else for your house. That you are working on the space yourselves. Be super sweet, but say it a couple of times.

Then when she shows up next Saturday with an Owl canister set, you can say, It was so thoughtful of you to think of us, but I can't accept this. Remember I told you that last week. Do you want to keep it, or should I put in the Goodwill donation pile? Be sweet, but don't let it into the house.

I don't think you should apologize in view of the fact that she seems determined to impose all that junk to you, almost like she wants the last word in an argument, knowing you got rid of another mug then bringing one in again.

didn't you do a big garage cleanup last year ?

Just want to say that I would HATE it if someone kept bringing me stuff. My father was addicted to those dollar stores and would bring things for my kids all the time. Like we don't have enough kid cr*p in this house. I asked him to stop, but he didn't. Also, the kids weren't very interested in what he brought and I didn't want him spending his money (fixed income senior) on things no one needed. He wouldn't listen. Anything that could be repurposed for Purple Heart went into the Purple Heart bin. Anything else went into the trash. I couldn't make him stop but it didn't mean I had to keep it.

When I said to apologize too, I meant that it would be good to say that you are sorry you had a disagreement, or "words".

I hate it when people push stuff on you, whether it's bargain purchases, leftover food or something they are getting rid of. My mom has volunteered in a thrift shop for many years. She was forever buying and bringing home clothes for me. I rarely wore any of it. Most of it went straight into the Purple Heart bag. I felt bad because she was spending money on these things. I finally said "Mom, I can go to an entire mall filled with clothes and come home empty handed because I could not find anything I like in my size or appropriate for me. The odds of you bringing home something from the thrift shop that I can use are pretty slim."

Since then she has backed off. However, she has found some great things for her grandchildren and great grandchildren, so I give her credit for that.

It sounds like it is recreation for your MIL to buy cheap junk for your DH. That would drive me nuts. MY MIL bought us a desk one time that was HUGE. My H took it and put it in our little den. The thing looked like a casket sitting in there. You couldn't even sit at it or open the drawers because the furniture was so tight. I hated that thing and rejoiced when I finally gave it away to someone who wanted it. My MIL was dead by that time, so her feeling weren't hurt.

I think the world is too full of cheap useless stuff that uses up our natural resources and fills the dumps. It really, really bothers me to see all the cr*p that is sold at malls, souvenir shops, etc. I mean do you really need a spoon that commemorates your visit to Exit 15E of the NJ Turnpike?

I have to go to the saying, "You teach people how to treat you." Sounds like your DH and MIL treat you like crap.

But then my tolerance level for even the slightest disrespect is nonexistence. So my obvious answer is not no but he11 no do you need to apologize!

I had mother in law problems, big ones before she died. I also have in-law problems in general that we are able to manage only because we do not live close by, we are 4 hours away. In my experience with our mother-in-law problems, it was all about her inability to let go of her son (my husband) and or love/parent him the way she wanted, despite the fact that he was a married grown man. The only way I felt better about the situation was to put it completely on my husband because it was HIS mother. A healthy mother/child relationship wants the adult child and their marriage to be happy and peaceful, and they just want to share in their lives - the ups and downs of life. Unhealthy to me indicates a desire to control. This is not your problem, it is your husbands. I would sweetly, without anger, with all things that she brought to our home say "well thanks for thinking of us, although I don't know where we will put it, we're pretty maxed out as it is and we're donating boatloads of stuff at the moment because we're trying to downsize and make life less cluttered and stressful. But is always nice when you think of us". If she made inappropriate remarks about my house or anything else, I wouldn't hesitate to say "That is enough. You're out of line. Perhaps you should go". I would put everything else with this woman onto my husband if I were you. I would start a box in the bedroom, basement, or garage with HIS name on it. Anything she brought over that I didn't want or didn't know what to do with would go in that box. I would remind hubby from time to time that he needs to do something with "his box" because it's getting full. HE needs to be the one to confront his mom and stand up for your family. HE is the one with the long standing relationship and its HIS mom.
Also, watch alot of "Everybody Loves Raymond" and remember that you are not alone in trying to understand mother's and sons, and all of their dynamics. I just don't think this is about you at all other than you took her son. This is about her need to control your marriage and force an unhealthy expression of love onto her son. Many husbands will stand back and let their wives attempt to handle their husbands and do nothing, especially if they tend to be the peacemakers in the family like my husband. Too bad I say. Make him man up and handle his mom and protect your family. That's his job, it's HIS mom. JMHO

"He feels bad declining this junk and pretty much leaves it up to me to get rid of it."

"He thought about how she acted and realized she is the definition of passive-aggressive."

Where is your husband in all this? I don't mean to sound disrespectful toward your dh, but I think HE is the one who is being passive aggressive. If he is on the same page as you about eliminating clutter and doesn't want these "gifts," he needs to speak up and stop putting the responsibility for maintaining order & dealing with his mother on your shoulders.

You consistently get to be the "bad guy" so he doesn't have to confront his mother. She gets ticked with you, and you stay in role of "despised daughter in law." That's fine with your dh evidently. His reputation as "Poor Controlled Spouse" is a sympathetic one. He no doubt prefers being thought of as her poor, emotionally abused son than as her confrontational, unloving son.

IMHO, these "gifts," btw, are nothing in the world but methods of seizing control and power. She is not merely a shopaholic or obsessed with yard sales. NO, she is a control freak. Most control freaks are terrified people.

Drop it, and let your dh deal with it next time. A mug comes in the house & your dh is watching tv? "Sweetie...come look at this mug your mom picked up for you...ya want it?" Put the ball in his court where it belongs. She was not bringing you the mug. She WANTS you to play the meanie, as does your dh. Sorry to say it.

Remove yourself from this triangle. Let the two people who should really be hashing this out, hash it out. Dh has to learn to stand up to his mother, and you need to stop being willing to be used as a scapegoat.

I gotta agree with Stinky. You dh is the enabler and guess who gets to clean up not just the house, but the extra junk too? You.

What I've learned from your postings is you work outside the home at least 40 hrs./week while your husband doesnt.

Not only would I have been angry at my MIL for commenting on my house, I'd also be embarrassed.

I would tell your dh that you were embarrassed when his mother said that, and then tell him you need his help!

He also needs to learn to say "no" to his mom and friends who feel the need to bring him junk. He's a hoarder in the garage, isn't he? That's one of the problems which now extends to your house.

But I do have to ask, did you throw out the first mug on your own without your dh's permission? How did that come about and how does your MIL know? It obviously hurt her feelings.

Time to sing, "I am woman, hear me roar!" and get busy at it! Both are taking advantage of you, IMO.

You are all so spot on with your observations! I feel justified for being angry and feeling attacked. I did talk to my husband about it and while he didn't come to her defense (smart move there), he didn't acknowledge that I was being made out to be the bad guy.

The issue with the original cup was that she brings over sooo much junk to our house, and I just cleaned out all the extra mugs she'd brought over (including some she got specifically for me because they had chickens on them). I never realized before hand that this particular mug was 'special' since he'd never put any significance on it. I think when he noticed it in the GS pile, he made more of a crack about it and she got all defensive then they both took it to the next level.

In our relationship, I tend to be the one who thinks things out while my H is more impulsive. For example, he would like to get a gun safe and I think it's a good idea, HOWEVER, there is no way we could get a big one like he wants in to our house. It'd have to stay in the garage. So some how this gets translated to me 'telling' him he can't have a gun safe. I come off as the bad guy. This has always been the case, but it seems that since his mother is living near by now, it's gotten even worse.

I need to have a sit down with my husband and let him know just how I feel about this. We're either in it together or we're not...simple as that. Tonight when we did broach the subject of his mother, he pretty much made the excuse that she's been drinking a lot lately and that changes her personality. I call BS...she's always managed to get these little digs in on me, particularly when it comes to him-but at the same time, she'll go on and on about how much he just looooves me. Well, he needs to show it more and she needs to learn the boundaries!

As a result of constant digs from my MIL and her constant gossiping about me and my family (including my parents) I no longer see her. For me, she is toxic. She lives 10 minutes away and except for Christmas and the occasional necessary appearance I haven't seen her in 5 years. That decision was with my DH's blessing. He still sees her and it is up to my DS's whether or not they see her - they are old enough to make those arrangements themselves. Although I have noticed that they are seeing her less and less.

This is a radical decision and not one for everyone but it was one I had to make after 25 years of c*ap. My point is to make a decision that works for you and your husband - not one that works for her.

I am not really a fan of Dr. Laura, mostly listen to her as background noise in the car, but every now and then she says something that really is useful.

One thing she says often enough is you cannot change people. They are who they are. You cannot control how they act or what they say. You can only control how you react to them or what you say.

So if you believe that is true, then your MIL is who she is. She's always going to bring crap over to your house and she's going to say things that pisses you off. DH is who he is. Good and Bad.

You can either choose to alienate your MIL and refuse to interact with her or you can accept that she's not the model MIL, probably not raised with the best manners etc. and let these things fly over your head.

If you choose not to let them upset you, they won't. Take the items, and get rid of them, or put them on a display shelf in your DH's garage space.

If she thinks you're controlling, who cares? If you and DH can agree to what decisions are made regarding gun safe's, mugs, whatever the topic of the day is then that's what matters.

I have gotten much peace with certain family members that have been a source of stress and frustration over the years by just accepting that they are not going to behave how I want them to no matter how mad I get or how loud I yell.

If it were me, I'd apologize in some manner since she apologized first.

To maintain civil family relations, I'd just say, "I'm sorry I got so upset, your comments just rubbed me the wrong way."

If you truly feel that having your MIL in your life is destructive and brings no value, then perhaps you should cut her out. Obviously, how that affects DH will roll back around and affects you too. I am amazed at how many people can cut a family member out of their lives for 5-10 years no problem. I don't think people think about how short life really is, so if that person would die tomorrow would you be ok with having severed ties? No attending their funeral etc?

carol, you have made very good points. While growing up, my father did not talk to his mother. As a result, not only did I not know my grandmother, I also did not get to know his whole side of the family. I never understood this.
As I got older, I now DO understand that it is possible to cut someone out of your life.
One of my sisters doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with the rest of us. Just little differences,some of which are annoying. NOthing major. She only emails and if I were to say to her that I haven't heard from her ,she has one excuse after another. Although our relationiship is not toxic, my other sister and I have to accept the way things are. We are disappointed. Especially since her first grandchild was born a year ago. We will never get to know our great niece! Again, sad but the way it is.
Pesky cannot change her MIL, so she needs to change how she has to deal with her. I agree it might mean seeing her less often.

I've been trying to read/reply since I saw the post the other day. From what I've read; everyone is spot on from what we know of the history. I also wondered like Lukki did if he's saying otherwise about the cups because he doesn't wanna hurt her feelings. We're particular in my house about our coffee mugs & everyone has their own; Raggedy Ann for me; Dolphins football for hub & trains for my son. They're large mugs & we've used them for years. I broke my sons 25 year old train mug; his ex-GF was trying to replace what his mother broke & he didn't have the balls to tell her it wasn't what he liked; so now we have a mug he'll never use. I already replaced it with something a little bigger. It would be one thing if your hub used the mug; my guess is that he does not which is why you tossed it.

I think she had a lot of balls to say that about your house when you work your ass off at a job that's supporting the household. I did catch where you said he was sitting on his ass & I have a feeling he doesn't lift a finger like he should be. The house work should be 50/50 if he has a job.

I give you credit for trying to work at your marriage; I really do; but what does he bring to the table any more? Does he really deserve the work that you're doing with forgiving him? He really needs to defend you to his mother; that ticks me off because I've been there too. It took years before hub understood what his son was doing to us. We never had issues unless he was around.

I posted another post with an update...but I'll just tag here.

I hear what you're saying Rose (and Lukki, et al) and I agree 100%. He DOES need to come to my defense and speak up when I'm unfairly attacked, or even when people voice their perceptions, but I think he kind of enjoys the attention he gets by being married to a 'bad guy'. I'm pretty fed up with that, let me tell you!

And yes, he DOES need to contribute more to housework. He does do (or has done)95% of the yard work, and handles all the outside/car things. But he can load the dishwasher or sweep the floor regularly. I'd say household is split 90/10-I am ok with me being in charge of joint things...but I should not have to clean up after HIM.

Anyway, the update is that we just found out his mom has cancer. It's not looking good. And so now I'm feeling overwhelmingly guilty about wanting to distance myself and being a beeotch. She apologized to me again tonight when I talked to her on the phone, and I told her I DO love her. I just can't play games.

At this point I would offer an apology..with no "buts.". Next time you see her simply tell her you're also sorry. Apologizing isn't admitting to any wrongdoing on your part. She's apologized twice now. Even if she was healthy it's the right thing to do. It will ease your guilt and her's. Plus keep the peace in the family. Now is not the time to hold grudges.