Hi Dennis, I am very sorry for your losses of both your father and sister. I lost my mother 7 years ago today, my only son shortly before birth in 1986, and then my only other living child, Erica, at age 18 this past June, in an auto accident. Whether an anticipated death or a sudden one, none are easy. I think we all carry our experiences with death onto and into the loss of our next loss we suffer, and it stirs emotions long-forgotten. I know of that place you described, thinking, "okay, I've got it together now, things will be alright, I WILL survive". Then, whammo, you lose someone, and it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under you. That is how I felt when my daughter, Erica died. Please come back and check in with us, share what you need...we're here for you. Emma in PA

Reading all of your posts have made me realize I am not alone in how I feel about losing my Mom.. I lost my Mom Sept 10th 2010 she died of complcations of a debilitating stroke that she had a year prior.. It was my worse nightmare her dying as when she had the stroke in 2009 she didn't really know me most of the time and she had no idea where she was or what happened to her and could do nothing for herself so really i lost her twice.. I had went to visit her the night before she had her stroke and I stayed late and she walked me to the door i can remember her waving goodbye to me how did I know that would be the last time she would do that or be the same person.. I feel guilty for leaving her that night but I didn't know this was going to happen.. I always called her every morning to make sure she was up and had ate and taken her pills but she didn't answer the phone ..I wasn't concerned as she sometimes slept late so I waited a little while and called again she still didn't answer so I called her neighbor and asked if she had seen MOm and if she would go to her apt and check on her I just was not thinking anything was wrong..Her friend did and she said Mom didn't answer the door but she said it sounded like she could hear Mom's voice.. So I got myself together and went to her apt we had a hard time getting in as she had locked the screen door. When we got in I found Mom on the floor in a sort of a twisted uncomfortable position ,I said Mom what happened do you know who I am and she said yes that I was her Mom I knew something was wrong , we called the emergency squad and they came and tried to get Mom up and to stand and her legs were like rubber and she was not speaking things that made sense the apt was a mess as she had been stumbling and falling trying to stand or get some where she had bloody bruises on her arms . We got her to the hospital and they xrayed her and ran tests she had had a very bad blood clot stroke that should have killed her they said but didn't it left her paralyzed on her whole right side and plus affected her sight as she saw double it was bad.. They told me there was nothing they could do she stayed in the hospital for 4 days and then told me I had to decide something ..I knew I couldn't take care of her by myself as I had severe back problems and she was going to need 24 hr care I had no other siblings or no other family close and my Mom nor I had the money to hire someone to help me.So against all I beleived and didn't want to do i had to put her in a nursing home something I swore i would never do .. The year I had her in there was a nightmare in itself,I had to fight with them not literally but you know what I mean to get them to take care of her right I was always upset everytime I visited her as I knew things were not right I would talk to them and ask why ,they would always blame it on some one else she had MRSA twice while she was there and an infection of the colon called C-Diff both staff infections were very contagious.. I talked to people outside of the nursing home to try to get help and called the state and couldn't get anything accomplished they don't care about elderly people and maybe because Mom was on Medicaid maybe that was not good either..It just was a living nightmare I was so upset all of the time after I would leave seeing her it affected my health and I hated seeing Mom like she was as she would not want to have lived if she knew she was having to depend on someone else to do everything for her and she was totally bedfast.. I was the only one to go and visit her as all other family was far away and the nursing home knew that and i think they took advantage of it I tried to go at different times but it didn't help it was just so hard and my husband was not a supportive person for me so i was dealing by myself which was very difficult.. She very seldon knew who I was she could talk at times and sometimes she was silent I continued to talk to her..The times she knew me and was able to tell me she loved me i will cherish in my heart..I was with her the day and through the night till the next moring when she passed holding her hand and singing to her as I always did the whole time she was in there..I would try to get her to sing with me the songs she knew to try to keep her mind alert and talking.. I just have guilt of having to put her in the nursing home and how she had was taken care I understand nursing home are short staff but I think they could do better then they do ,there were a few that really cared and did a good job but most of them could have cared less and the ones that would take the time and do a good job they would let them go so sad.. I miss my Momma so much I miss her voice being able to ask her things and hugs she was my best friend and was there when no one else was always..I feel when she died a part of me went with her there is an emptiness inside of me .. We don't know how it feels to lose a parent or anyone until we experience it ourselves.. Some people can just deal and get on with it ..Lot of people don't want to hear how you feel or what you are experienceing and we need to be able to talk about our loved one it does help.. Some days are so overwheming that I don't I am ever going to be able to deal and then a few days will go by and I am ok but My Mom is always in my thoughts each day.. I know she is by my side at times or comes in my thoughts ,I really don't think it is going to get easier the pain at times is so great..It is just so lonely at times.. It is hard to keep it all in some days I will just cry alot till its all out then i will be ok ..The strangest things will set the crying in and comes on me when I least expect.. My heart goes out to each one of you that has lost a loved one and know I understand and feel your pain.. I do know that if it was not for my faith in God I would be in worse shape then i am I know that he helps and that crying and talking about your loved one is part of the grief process.

Thank you all for your suggestions. azzalea, I do many of the repairs. I am more handy then most men and can do a lot of things except electical and appliance work. In the past month I've hung a new door on our coat closet then painted it and put in a new knob, which meant moving the striker and redrilling the striker hole in the jamb. I've also removed our handrail on the stairs going to 2nd floor because the original builder didnt' sink the screws into studs, just the lath and plaster, and after 50+ years the handrail was hanging by a thread. I patched the holes, sanded them down and painted, found the studs, moved the brackets & re-hung the handrail. I also patched the plaster in the downstairs bathroom ceiling when the upstair toilet overflowed & leaked through, then sealed and painted it. So construction type work doesn't scare me. I grew up in the 60's and 70's who while Dad was taking my brother to job sites with him, it would never have occurred to him to take me or teach me anything. What I know I've learned through "osmosis." I did replace the light switch in the bathroom but the problem isn't in the switch - and I am not qualifed to tear into the walls for the wiring or the service box. And the lamp is far, far away from any water. We have a 6' counter, with sink at one end, and the lamp is on the other end. And at 75, my dad can run rings around most 50 year olds. Through exercise, eating right & right living, he's never taken and Rx, never had a major illness, and is more physically fit than I am. He retired because he and his partner just finished a 15 acre development, and his partner ran for a state-level polical office and won. Dad decided rather than do it all himself on the next develoment since his partner would be tied up most of the time, he'd just end the partnership. I give it 6 months - he'll be buying more land and doing another development on his own. My dad can't sit still for 5 mintues. You are all right - my dad is who he is and I will never change that. He is not the way I want him to be and that will not change. I need to let it go - and let go of letting what he thinks of me bother me. What is hard is that I call every Thursday night and have for the past 25 years. My dad answers EVERY TIME (in his world, women don't answer the phone). Before I can talk to my mom, I have to hear him groan and moan about how awful the world is for about 15 minutes. He grew up dirt poor and has become wildly successful by any measure - wealth, status, friends, etc. Yet he still complains to me every week about how the world isn't a fit place for my sons to grow up in. I bite my tounge every week and every time they visit or I visit them (2x a month). I tell myself, it's only 24 visits a year and 52 phone calls a year. What bothers me the most is that if my brother, who also lives in my town, calls and wants Dad to do something on his house, my Dad drops everything to do it. He has helped my brother finish his basement, install sheetrock in his garage, build an arbor and porch swing, and finish the "bonus room" over hisgarage. He says it's because my brother's house is new (new build develoment house - about 10 years old) and it's easier to work on a newer house. My brother fits my dad's expectation of what a Man should be - he works in a factory, rides a motorcycle, is the "ruler of his household," etc and his wife is the traditional wife. They don't have kids.

I was tempted to start a new thread for this, but I'll just add it here, since it's sort of on topic. David Archiletta just totally blasted off the creep factor scale for me. Our local Fox station just aired an interview one reporter did with D. A. back in January. She kept asking him questions about the contest, then sequed into, "have you ever been to ____ (city she where she works), what do you know about (city)?" In EVERY case--this was totally odd for a 16 year old to do--he started talking about his FATHER. How wonderful dad was, how he was so lucky to have him helping him, working with him on his music, etc, etc, etc--even when that had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the question being asked. They played quite a long stretch of the interview--it wasn't one or 2 questions, and they hadn't spliced it together. It just kept getting more and more peculiar, listening to his off-topic, father-worshiping responses. Don't get me wrong--I think every child should have a good relationship with their father and Dad should be their #1 hero--but this went way beyond that. The reporter herself said she was getting creeped out, having to do the interview with him and trying to pull actual responses from him. In opposition to my opinion voiced in a previous post--the reporters on the show think this week's problems will push DA into the finals, because of all the publicity. We'll see, won't we? I still think, that this way, they can can him this week, and put out the 'excuse' that the bad publicity did him in--whether or not it really did. David C--who was never my favorite--is looking better and better. He's mature, he's extremely talented, he's respectful, and also has proven to be very creative with the choices he's made. He's definitely grown on me.