Losing My Dad and Sister

20 years ago

I lost my dad 3 years ago to cancer. The cancer was a result of the imnosuppresant drugs he needed to take following a kidney transplant a few months earlier. I feel very lucky that I was the one able to donate a kidney to my dad, but dealing with his death has not been easy, to say the least! Everything happened so fast, that 3 years later alot of it stills seems like a blur. My father had many heart problems which resulted in him receiving a heart transplant over 15 years ago. Immediately after his death, I felt alot of guilt and selfishness because things didn't work out as my family had hoped. Talk about a roller coaster of emotions. Eventually as the pain subsided, I realized how lucky we were to have my father alot longer

than we should have, even if things ended the way they did. Getting a new heart was a miracle, and that really gets me through the tough times.

I thought I had reached a good place and things were really getting back to normal, if that's possible. Then 2 months ago, my sister was killer in a car accident. She was 37 years old and the mother of 3 children. Not only have I had to deal with the loss of my sister, who I was very close to(especially these last couple years), but I have also noticed that many of the pain from my fathers death has come back to the surface. Is this normal? Right now it feels like this is going to be much harder to handle b/c it's almost like dealing with 2 deaths at once. My sister's death happened so suddenly, that it really took a good month to sink in. This last month has been difficult for my family. I'm really writing this to get things off my chest. Not sure why it makes me feel better, but it does. And knowing that others have the same feelings is also very comforting. I pray for everyone that has had to deal with losing a loved one.

-Dennis

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Comments (7)

socks
20 years ago
Dennis, the Forum is so helpful to many because we need to share our heartaches. It truly does help, so I hope you will post again here to let us know how it's going for you. It's good to talk openly with family and friends too.

I'm so sorry for the awful losses your family has had. I know you miss your dear sister terribly. Take care.
jlj48
20 years ago
Dennis,
I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my Dad to Cancer too, a year and a half ago. Then I lost my Mom 7 months after losing my Dad. I know what you mean about grieving over your first loss all over again. We focused so much on helping Mom after losting Dad, that we were so lost after losing her. I continue to grieve them both. Some days are easier than others, I think because I just stay busier those day. Keep coming here and sharing about your family. Read other posts too. It does help and everyone here has lost someone and can feel your pain. And I agree, somehow it helps to get it off your chest. Hang in there.
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bowdoin514
20 years ago
Hi Dennis,
I am very sorry for your losses of both your father and sister. I lost my mother 7 years ago today, my only son shortly before birth in 1986, and then my only other living child, Erica, at age 18 this past June, in an auto accident. Whether an anticipated death or a sudden one, none are easy. I think we all carry our experiences with death onto and into the loss of our next loss we suffer, and it stirs emotions long-forgotten. I know of that place you described, thinking, "okay, I've got it together now, things will be alright, I WILL survive". Then, whammo, you lose someone, and it feels like someone pulled the rug out from under you. That is how I felt when my daughter, Erica died.
Please come back and check in with us, share what you need...we're here for you.
Emma in PA
terry0327
20 years ago
Dennis, I think being around people that understand what you are going through helps a great deal. It also helps me answer the question. "Why"

Why did my Son have to die.
Why didn't I see the symptoms of his heart problems.
Why not me instead. I've had my life let my Son have his.
Why did all the fun we had have to end.
Why does my sweet Grandson have no Daddy like I did.
Why do we have to hurt everyday.

It lets me see that many nice people have gone through more than my family and I. I pray for you and everyone else to smile again.

Terry
thesailorman
20 years ago
I have a suggestion for you. Run, don't walk, to the nearest bookstore and pick up a copy of a book called "Transcending Loss", by a woman author. I think her name is Ashley Prend Davis. If you don't benefit from it, I'll reimburse you for it.

Now get going....you owe it to yourself. I am sorry for your losses. Things will feel "normal" again after some time. It may be a while though. Just as you started to feel a bit better after your Dad's passing, brighter days are ahead. Lean on people you love...and who love you. God Bless you.
erasmus_gw
20 years ago
I'm sorry to hear about your loss, Dennis, and also Emma and Joanie. I lost my Dad about a year ago, and then two months later, my Mom died of pneumonia. I sometimes think I'm recovering, but this has thrown me for a huge loop. I can empathize with you..it just can be so hard. Here it is more than a year later and I feel like my life is irrevocably sadder. Sometimes I guess life is more precious because there's the much more vivid sense that life is short. I think it's easy to get depressed, not just in pain, but in a gloomy state of mind. I think exercise helps with that though I keep putting it off. REally, I think you MUST take care of yourself, especially your health, because the depth of sadness really can impact your health. All the best....Linda
jodimccue_yahoo_com
15 years ago
Dennis,

I'm sorry to read about your dad, and sister!! I lost my dad December of 97, and it was to Suicide! My dad was my rock and for many years I didnt except what had happend I was thirteen at the time and well lost. I went many yrs feeling like i could never trust anyone and didnt want to let anyone in that could just leave me. I finally did let go of all the fear when i found out that I was pregnant and knew that I had to trust and love my son with everything. I will never understand why my dad ended his life and wish I did know I wish I could have stopped him from doing it I had no idea as a kid my dad was feeling like that. I as and adult know that I loved my dad and always will and one day maybe I will have that peace I am looking for!!

Losing My Dad and Sister

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