My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

Hi Mary, I went over to Kitchen Table and read your posts. I'm sorry about the loss of your dear husband, now there is a gap where a person used to be and that is always such a challenge to overcome. Someone once told me that they felt that they were cut in two when they lost their spouse. I cannot even begin to imagine. I read a USA Today report that showed some research done by the University of Michigan that mentioned that a bereaved spouse needs at leas 18 months to recover physically and psychologically. Although you may not thing so at present Mary, each day will get better as time goes on. Also, don't be afraid to let your tears flow. Psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers, herself a widow, likens tears to emotional first aid. Crying is a normal part of your grieving process. You said in one of your posts in the KT forum that you have received many cards of condolence, have you written them back? Why not take some time and put in writing all the good things that you remember about your husband and the moments you shared and thank those who have reached out to you. Make an album with photographs, love letters, and notes of the good times you spent with your loved one. This will be painful at first but in the long run it will help you to heal. I can relate to what you said that some don't say anything because they don't know what to say and I can say that I have done that once. I wish I could go back and change that. But I'm here now trying to help others through their grief by using the Bible. For me, there is no better hope since I know for a fact that the promises we find in the Bible of seeing our loved ones when they are resurrected will be fulfilled. Reading on the resurrection accounts found in the Bible and meditating on them, visualizing the events makes them more real to me. "Time indefinite He has put their heart", the Bible tells us about God (Ecclesiastes 3:11) And He will use the resurrection to make everlasting life possible for people who have died. Psalms 37:11 says, "but the meek ones themselves will possess the earth, and they will indeed find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace." Life in this earth under God's Kingdom rule will not be like what we are experiencing now, full of war, crime poverty, injustice, illness, and death. It will be a fulfilling and satisfying life beyond our fondest dreams. Learning more about what God's Kingdom is, the Kingdom that we all pray for in the Lord's Prayer: "Let your Kingdom come.."(Matthew 6:9, 10), will give us a more clear picture of these future promises that seem so unattainable to us now. We just need to be focused. Mary, hang in there, these hard times will soon be a part of the past. We all have suffered a loss of a loved one and we all here can somewhat understand what you are feeling. We hope to hear back from you soon. Warm hugs, Ada

While I was at my daughter's I did alot of reflecting on our marriage and wrote a lot of memories in my journal. The hardest part about being at my daughter's was sitting at the table with an empty chair staring me in the face that Ed should have been sitting in and also when we went to Estes Park walking around the shops I wanted to hold his hand like the other couples but his hand wasn't there for me to take and it never will be again. I also asked myself in our marriage who needed the other person more? I leaned on Ed for companionship and security. When we were in crowds I'd only feel comfortable if I was with Ed. Carrying on a converstaion with others was hard for me, but Ed could talk to anyone about anything and if I was with him I felt part of the conversation without saying a word. I may have made the everyday decisions but we talked about big decisions together until we agreed. At which point Ed thought out how to make it happen. There were usually compromises made on one of our parts, who compromised the most I don't know. But when it came to large purchases for the house I wanted Ed to enjoy it too & I didn't think it was that important to force my view or it was easier for me to give in than to decide what I really wanted. Also in our marriage I was the one who took charge, I planned and made lists and I'd give Ed a list of things he needed to do so whatever was planned would be accomplished. Whether it was one of the many times we moved, a holiday or just company coming for dinner. In reality I think he didn't care because then he didn't have to make a decision. The only time he didn't like things planned out was on vacation or day trips and we still had great times. I used to think this was a weakness but realized it was because he valued and trusted my opinion and judgement more than I realized. I tried to make a list of things I liked, but all I could think of was things Ed liked because it seems that is what we usually ended up doing or we compromised and thinking back than neither of us really got what we wanted. My biggest question was concerning my lack of being able to show emotions, as I may have mentioned because of my crying my children are now seeing a side of their mother they never knew existed. My mother used to say of all of her children I was the only one who didn't want to be cuddled. Ed was the compassionate one. I wonder can an emotionless person drain the emotions out of another person so that person could no longer show the other person emotion? Another thing I realized was that we had been in a mostly contented phase of our marriage until I started a new job in Oct of 2008. At which time I became very discontented and frustrated and I thought that is was because of Ed, when actually it was the responsibilities of the job. I wasn't used to the pressurers of that type of job and I took it out on him. Why is it we don't see our circumstances this clearly until it's too late? I hate the struggle between my heart, that wants to remember only the wonderful loving person he was a long time ago and my head that keeps reminding me of how miserable we both had been these past years. Which do I listen to? I realized I had to listen to both and continue with this conflict until I can make the two into the truth. I have to remind myself it's only been seven weeks. Again, thank you for letting me give a voice to my grief. Karen Anniebear I'm so sorry about your friend. I hope you continue gardening and don't give up on wanting to be a Master Gardener it is very rewarding. I also hope you will complete your project, keep us all up to date on its progress. Most important wish your husband a Happy Birthday from all of us. I was writing some information on my calendar this evening and turned to December and saw the Anniversary sticker I had placed on the date of what would have been our 35th Anniversary and I bawled because he won't be there to celebrate it with me ever again.

Jan 21 2015 i lost dad to stage 4 small cell carcinoma on March 10,2015 I lost Mom to stage 4 B cell lymphoma! In my fathers case We were told, 6 to 8 weeks, he only lived 7 days from the date of his diagnosis! Mom wasn't given a diagnosis, she lived only had 6 weeks from the day my dad died! My mother was admitted to the hospital the day my dad passed. Thanks be to God she was able to be there,in a chair by his bedside the entire time. Sad part, she was in horrible pain and she never complained not once! They (Dr's) thought she had cellulitious of the calf, boy were they wrong! We never saw any of this coming! My mom and dad were my everything! I'm 35! I know to some that seems old enough right, wrong. I just became interested in the subjects that they were found of, I have so many questions, I had so much more to learn! My birthday is less then a month, no special phone call or card this time! My entire world shattered in 6 weeks! Ironic thing is, a dream I had 5 years ago! Myself, my 2 sisters, our mother and a husky man with no face were all at a funeral! At first I didn't know whos funeral we were at. I thought in a panic like feeling to myself ,is this dads funeral, looking around I saw no casket,I saw no pictures and I immediately called down. I thought is this Moms funeral, confused now I was looking around for a clue to whoms funeral i was attending. It was then I noticed my Mother limping in the archway with her cain in a blue dress! The colors around me were extremely vibrant, blue, white and purple flowers everywhere, there was an archway filled with vines that were just about in season to bloom. Noone else was attending this funeral but us four and the man i could identify. StillI didn't know who's funeral I was at. Suddenly I felt a terrifying feeling, I slowly looked behind me and my 3rd sister stood behind me. Her arms were draped in front of herself folded just so nicely, she had a sober, still and expressionless face. She was dressed in a classy, fitted black suit. The jacket looked as if she was the only person in the world it could have been tailored for. She was radiant, her hair was gold blonde more beautiful then I had ever seen in actuality! I felt a immediate sense she had been watching over us! As I sat there, my other older sister, the second youngest to myself, was overcome by despaire and overcome by grief. She just sat and shook violently, as if she were sick from her nerves inside and out.I looked down and saw her fancy stocking socks, black Rib knit cuff over the knee socks, and her white sweater.Why they left a impression I would understand at the time. My eldest sister stood talking to the man, I couldn't see his face. They stood at the front left had corner of the room, while mom walked toward them. I had that dream three times that night! Just 6 months after that dream, my sister died from cancer and was cremated.I never got to say good by to her, I was unable to get to her funeral! On January 21st 2015 it snowed a lot. On the 30th of Jan,the day we burried our dad, the temp was -2 degrees, my sister was shaking,sitting next to me she leaned over and I saw her knitted rib cuff socks! On March 10 th 2015 my mother passed, my sister was wearing the white sweater . On March 18th 2015 it was 72 degrees, my mother was burried in a blue dress! My eldest sister talked to my uncle that day in the front left hand corner of the room! My mother never quite made it all the way to them, just like in my dream! I guess I could say I had a dream, but it's one I can not awken from! My mom and dad are both gone! I know they are with the Lord and for that I am greatful! I am just lost without them!