Recent death of my husband

14 years ago

I lost my husband on August 6, 2011. We would have celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary on October 16, 2011. I am trying to cope the best I can, but the pain is always there. I have wonderful friends and family to support me, I've been seeing a therapist, and I'm attending a bereavement support group. I journal a lot too. The hardest things for me are being alone, being in crowds, and sleeping. I can't believe that he will never walk in the door again, never climb in bed with me, never see our grandchildren grow up, never, never, never get to do all the things we dreamed about when we retired. He was only 58 and I'm 56. It bothers me that I don't want to spend time with my grandkids very much. Seeing them for an hour or two is okay, but every time I begin to feel joyful, I think I shut down. God will this ever feel better.

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Comments (5)

mav63_2007
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my dear husband of 37 years, it will be 5 years in November. Yes, you will feel better but it won't be soon, it will take time. When we have loved someone for so much of our lives as we did the grief of losing him won't go away overnight. Your feelings are absolutely normal. I know exactly how you feel, we had plans for a retirement and spending time with our grandchildren and it isn't fair that it was taken away from us. Your feeling of joy with your grandchildren will come back a little at a time. Right now you don't think you will ever be happy again but you will, you will have happy memories of the life you shared. It isn't easy to go on without him but he has left you in charge of your family and they need you. God bless you and your family.
sunnyca_gw
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I lost my dear hubby in 1985. Sept. 13 & this is the 1st year "I forgot" the day. It's been a long haul as we had a great marriage & he was only 48, I was 42 with our 2 teens to raise. Every year we were married was better than year before, we didn't argue like most people so we were very close. It does get better but it is not all uphill, you go through bad days & not quite so bad days. If you want to crawl under the covers it's OK for 1 day but don't let that get to be a habit. Holidays will be hard this year but do something different with grandkids, go to movie with them or make cookies,make popcorn & play checkers, something you haven't done before, will be less painful for you. I didn't go to a support group as I was afraid it might end up being a "pity party" ( me telling everyone about my pain or everyone telling me-I couldn't deal with that) I had so many things go wrong that when something good happened that was when I cried. I forgot how to spell 4-5 letter words like when, where ,there etc. Can't look up in dictionary as brain couldn't figure out whhhh or thhh sound. Felt so stupid, washing machine would be going & I would see what I was washing & it would be just water, hadn't added clothes. I locked myself out of car a number of times(finally got smart & put an extra set of car keys in my wallet.- ran out of gas & had to walk 2 blocks & ask attendant if I could borrow gas can $10 deposit-DD was dying of embarrassment & got on floor in backseat-15 yr olds don't deal well with running out of gas) solution-fill up when you see you have 1/4 tank of gas left. Lock yourself out of house or in garage & can't get back in house(great when you are in your nightgown), hid a key in a very secure place so you don't have to call a locksmith. My hubby wanted me to go on & remarry, I told him I didn't think I would, so we had talked about it. I never wanted to be with anyone else. I've got medical problem, can't handle AC get headaches & if weather changes or fire in hills, I'm down sick for 2-3 days. But for most people I think it is good to find someone to live out rest of your life with. Think about how your hubby would feel if he could see you -would he want you sad & falling apart? or would he tell you to take it day at a time & start looking for happiness. Take a class in Tole painting or gardening or something you are interested in, or volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital gift shop or something. Makes you realize you are better off than so many others. Hope some of these ideas can help you out! Don't stop mentioning your hubby, he was part of your life for a long time! I only got 22 yrs with my love! But he filled me up(I was a lonely kid) & I'm not lonely now! I do look at older couple holding hands & wish for a second it was me. But I'm happy I have grandkids & DD nearby & parents & DS calls & visits yearly. So many have lost jobs & wonder where next meal is coming from. Count your blessings & I'm sure you will find they are many. Hugs& prayers that you find peace & comfort in the days ahead.
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Coping With Grief “All his [Jacob’s] sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. ‘No,’ he said, ‘in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son.’ So his father wept for him.”�"GENESIS 37:35, The Holy Bible�"New International Version. THE patriarch Jacob grieved deeply over the loss of his son. He expected to grieve until the day he died. Like Jacob, you may feel that the pain of losing a loved one is so deep that it will never go away. Does such intense grief necessarily indicate a lack of faith in God? Definitely not! The Bible portrays Jacob as a man of faith. Along with his grandfather Abraham and his father, Isaac, Jacob is commended for his outstanding faith. (Hebrews 11:8, 9, 13) Why, on one occasion, he even wrestled all night with an angel to get a blessing from God! (Genesis 32:24-30) Evidently, Jacob was a deeply spiritual man. What, then, can we learn from Jacob’s grief? Deep feelings of grief and sorrow when a loved one dies are not incompatible with strong faith in God. Grief is the normal and natural response to the loss of someone we love. What Is Grief? Grief can affect us in various ways, but for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain. Consider the experience of Leonardo, who was 14 years old when his father suddenly died from cardiorespiratory problems. Leonardo will never forget the day his aunt broke the news to him. At first, he refused to believe that it was true. He saw his father’s body at the funeral, but it all seemed strangely unreal. For about six months, Leonardo was unable to cry. Often, he found himself waiting for his father to come home from work. It took about a year before the full impact of the loss sank in. When it did, he felt terribly alone. Ordinary things�"such as coming home to an empty house�"reminded him of his father’s absence. At such times, he often broke down and cried. How he missed his father! As Leonardo’s experience well illustrates, grief can be intense. The good news is that recovery is possible. However, it may take some time. Just as a severe physical wound takes time to heal, so it is with bereavement. Recovering from grief may take months, a few years, or even longer. But the acute pain you feel in the beginning will lessen in time, and life will gradually seem less bleak and meaningless. In the meantime, grief is said to be a necessary part of the healing process and of learning to adapt to the new situation. There is an empty space where before there was a living human. We need to adjust to life without that person. Grief may provide a necessary emotional release. Of course, not everyone grieves in exactly the same way. One thing, though, seems to hold true: Repressing your grief can be harmful mentally, emotionally, and physically. How, then, can you express your grief in healthy ways? The Bible contains some practical advice. Coping With Grief Talking about your feelings can bring a measure of relief Many bereaved ones have found that talking can be a helpful release. Notice, for example, the words of the Bible character Job, who suffered the loss of all ten of his children and endured other tragedies. He said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Notice that Job needed to “give vent” to his concerns. How would he do so? “I will speak,” he explained. Paulo, who lost his mother, says: “One of the things that has helped me is to talk about my mother.” So talking about your feelings to a trusted friend can bring a measure of relief. (Proverbs 17:17) After losing her mother, Yone asked her Christian brothers to visit her more often. “Talking helped to ease the pain,” she recalls. You too may find that putting your feelings into words and sharing them with a sympathetic listener will make it easier to deal with them. Writing can be helpful in expressing grief Writing can also be a helpful release. Some who find it difficult to talk about their feelings may find it easier to express themselves in writing. Following the death of Saul and Jonathan, the faithful man David wrote a deeply mournful song in which he poured out his sorrow. This emotional dirge eventually became part of the Bible book of Second Samuel.�"2 Samuel 1:17-27. Reading about the resurrection hope can be a real source of comfort Crying may also serve as an emotional release. “For everything there is an appointed time, even . . . a time to weep,” says the Bible. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4) To be sure, the death of someone we love is “a time to weep.” Tears of grief are nothing to be embarrassed about. The Bible contains many examples of faithful men and women who openly expressed their grief by weeping. (Genesis 23:2; 2 Samuel 1:11, 12) Jesus Christ “gave way to tears” when he neared the tomb of his dear friend Lazarus, who had recently died.�"John 11:33, 35. Working through grief takes patience, for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster. Remember that you do not have to be ashamed of your tears. Many faithful individuals have found that shedding tears of grief is a normal and necessary part of the healing process. Draw Close to God The Bible tells us: “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.” (James 4:8) One of the principal ways to draw close to God is through prayer. Do not underestimate its value! The Bible makes this comforting promise: “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18) It also assures us: “Throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, and he himself will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) Think about this. As we noted earlier, many have found it helpful to talk about their feelings with a trusted friend. Would it not be even more helpful to pour out your feelings to the God who promises to comfort our hearts?�"2 Thessalonians 2:16, 17. Paulo, who was mentioned earlier, commented: “When I just couldn’t endure the pain anymore and felt that I could not cope, I would get down on my knees and pray to God. I begged him to help me.” Paulo is convinced that his prayers made a difference. You too may find that in response to your persistent prayers, “the God of all comfort” will give you the courage and the strength to cope.�"2 Corinthians 1:3, 4; Romans 12:12. Here is a link that might be useful: Watchtower: Coping with Grief
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Oh my goodness, it just doesn't seem fair for one person to suffer so much loss in such a short period of time. My heart aches for you. Please know that one day you will be through the grieving and crying, but it does take time. I think it's important to cry all you want, because eventually you will be through the crying. Do you have a good relationship with your son? He probably does not feel as much grief as you do about your parents, but surely he is feeling the loss of his father. Try to establish communication with him, sharing your feelings and letting him share his. Is there a chance that you two could do something together like a day trip to the beach or even an overnight trip. I think it helps to get away a bit, and when you come back you are still facing all the reminders of your losses, but you've had a chance to "catch your breath" so to speak. Also, see if you and your son can plant a tree, go to Dad's favorite restaurant, put together an album, make a donation to a leukemia foundation. Try to do something together to help in the healing. But it will take time. Of course, there is always grief counseling and group sessions which you can seek out. Your loved ones now gone from you would not want you to stay in bed. I think a certain amount of that is helpful, but soon you have to put your feet on the floor and move on. I'm so very sorry for all your losses. Take care. Susan
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You can't change someone else's behavior, you can only change your own. Your mother sounds like a very toxic person who thrives on drama and confrontation. People like that rarely get how destructive they are and prefer to blame others. Your primary responsibility is to your child and your husband now. It's time to let go of the fantasy that mom will one day turn into a sweet person. Ain't gonna happen. Be grateful that you recognize that your mother's behavior is damaging to your family and build on that by learning how to set boundaries with her. It's a skill you need to learn that will help you in all areas of your life. Do some research on family roles and boundaries and your life will be much calmer. Don't get pulled into her game. Your husband deserves respect and so do you.
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alanna1
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear Laura-Hi! I lost my husband of 41 years August 23,2011. I'm also so lost without him, I don't know how I'm going to cope. The nites are positively the worst. I live on a farm and we were currently restoring it. My husband had cancer and he suffered so much with it. Things that used to excite me don't now. I had previously baked for a local organization and I'm doing that. I used to cook big meals and now I do make a meal for my daughter and husband once a week. I used to hear widows talk about hating to cook for themselves and I really never realized what it meant until it happened to me. I started a grieving class last Thursday nite and it was my first nite. The lady sitting next to me has the same first names as my parents and also her husband died on the same day as my husband. I thought there might be some intervention going on. What do you think? Alanna
Laura2336
Original Author
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear Alanna-I am so sorry for your loss and relate to all you posted. I'm back in my church choir which has been healing for me, going to a bereavement support group is helpful, and I have a huge support system of family and friends. The bottom line for me is that no matter who I talk to about what is going on, I am still the one that has to go through the experience. I get envious when people in my support group talk about having dreams about their spouse. I'm still in so much pain, that I may not be able to realize when my spouse is trying to get through to me. We have a business that I'm still trying to run. I'm angry a lot because I have so much to do and feel like I have to work so hard at taking time to grieve and take care of myself. I'm sorry to sound so negative, but I have to go see my attorney this afternoon and I'm anxious about it. My uncle is going with me so I don't feel so alone. As for you and intervention, I don't believe in coincidences. Your husband obviously is letting you know he's around, in my opinion. I was told that our loved ones will do whatever they need to get through to us. I'm open to that and at times feel his spirit and presence. Off to work. Later, Laura
User
14 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dear Laura, I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband of 40 years just 6 weeks ago. I am feeling the same as you and I can't believe he will never come home. It seems very surreal at this point. It is just so hard. I am doing better then I expected. I thought I would just fall apart, maybe that comes a little later. I am just now getting over the numbness.

I did get a little dog and it has helped, he's a whole lot of work but it's keeping me busy. I am still so sad most the time, I cry everyday. You are welcome to email me and we can talk.

Recent death of my husband

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mav63_2007

sunnyca_gw

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Recent death of my husband

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mav63_2007

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alanna1

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