Hoakie, I'm surprised you haven't gotten a reply here. I really don't have much to offer except that you must be an angel to help these two children whom you have barely known. I'm sorry it is such a struggle. The kids have been through a lot, and somehow I feel that punishment will just make the 11-year-old angry and resentful. What do the counselor and his teacher say? Why isn't the possibility of being held back enough to spur him to better grades? Can he read well enough, is he strong enough in math? Does he need tutoring? Perhaps having a high schooler help him with homework after school would take some of the strain between you two. I assume he changed schools, and I wonder if this school is farther ahead than his old one, leaving a gap of learning. I'm also thinking that if he moves up a grade, it would be wise to have him in English and math summer school program to help prepare him for next year. I do get the feeling that your husband has kind of left this all up to you--quite a load! Does he spend some time with the boys on weekends or whenever he's free? That would be important, and maybe he can discuss school with the older boy. I realize I'm really no help, but I do sympathize and know how very difficult this is for you. I encourage you to seek help from your counselor, the teachers and even the principal of the school. The boys are lucky to have you.

Look back on your own childhood and how you were parented. Is there a good example there? I was blessed with good parents who taught me about parenting by example. They made me feel valued and accepted for myself. Some people think they need to mold their children, make them into "something better." They mean well, bless their hearts. But you have to let children be themselves, learn about who they are, and figure out how to be their best selves. It doesn't mean you don't expect good things from them. It's a shift in thinking to "I know these kids do good things, and are capable of even more, and I'm watching for that" instead of watching for the mistakes to criticize. I have spent time with many other mothers. Some of whom I admire very much b/c of how they relate to their kids. I learn from them and try to model what they do when I notice something I really like. I remember noticing one mother whose kids were great little people, not just well-behaved, but really happy, well-adjusted kids. The thing that stood out to me was the mutual respect. She talked to her kids the way she wanted them to speak to her and to others. Of course she corrected them, but she corrected them the way an adult would *want* to be corrected by, say, an employer. With respect and a goal in mind. Once when I was preggo with #1 I observed a mother in a store, total stranger, whose kids impressed me the same way. I complimented her and asked her for insight, telling her that what she had accomplished was my goal. Every time I ask a parent I admire, it always comes down to respect. Just because they are children does not give adults the right to belittle them, rudely criticize them, embarass them, and generally disrespect them. That's hurtful, and hurt kids cannot be their best selves. It's a good idea to find a moms' group to join. That saved me when my kids were young. The exchange of ideas and comraderie of knowing you're not alone is invaluable. You'll meet parents you like, and some you don't. But you can learn from all of them. If you see your husband's anger as part of the problem you really have to find a way to address that. You still have a long road ahead, so find a way to have these conversations. Does he think he's right in what he does? Or do you think he's also confused and without ideas? I know I don't always do the right thing with my kids (ages 7, 10, 13 and 16). I try, but I have bad days. So does my DH. If I don't like the way he handles something, I tell him later, when things are calm. It has taken practice to get to the point where we know which of us handles certain situations better and we let that one handle it. I'm better at handling school stuff. When our 16 y/o gets a low grade, I remind DH to look at the big picture before he acts rash. Is this one low grade among 10 good ones, or is there a pattern? DH is better at handling DS's social life issues, he knows how a guy thinks and is better at getting to the truth with DS. Parenting takes practice, it really does. The fact that you are thinking, questioning and trying to make adjustments is a good thing; it doesn't mean you're failing. When your kids are babies and toddlers and you are physically exhausted, not sleeping, can't close your eyes or take a shower- people tell you "It gets easier." They are just trying to make you feel better for the moment. It does NOT get easier. The issues of that age pass, but it just gets hard in new ways. Emotionally exhausting ways instead of physically. ;o) Not to scare you, just acknowledging the truth of it. If you were expecting this to come easier, but it's not, it is not a comment on YOU, but rather on the challenge of parenting.

My baby is now three months old. I'm already a very different parent than I expected to be! I thought I would remain much more emotionally calm than I usually do. I'm getting better, but our baby can be so much more frustrating than I had anticipated. My sisters' babies are so easygoing and relaxed, I suppose I expected our baby to be like them. But no!! 'Relaxed' is the last word you could use to describe our Ben! He is an intense little guy and we have to work very, very hard to get him to relax and (eventually, if we're lucky) fall asleep. My sisters' babies would fall asleep after gazing at a mobile for a while.... I've learnt that babies come into this world with much stronger preferences than I thought! Ben's strongest preference is for lots and lots of cuddles all the time, which is both incredibly difficult and an incredible pleasure. I've attached a link to some pictures of our little bundle of trouble and joy! Here is a link that might be useful: Pictures of Ben

Mom and dad, but when mom is not paying attention she gets maaaaaw! She doesn't care for it. I tell her she needs to listen when I call her mom, she doesn't so I keep with the name . They are grandma, and papa to their grands. My BIL's father was already called papa so this is what my dad went with too. My grandparents were grandma, and grandpa. Friends grandparents were Ooma, Nan, Gram. My parents used their in-laws first names, BIL at the start used mom and dad but it sounded so awkward that he gave up and uses their first names now. I think my mom would be hurt if her kids called anyone else mom. After all she put in the work she earned the title mom.