Sadly, I totally agree with Suzieque. And sadder yet, there probably isn't anything you can do.

This sounds horrible. And probably there isn't much you can do about it.

However, you might google "Gentle Discipline" and learn more about this method. If there's a forum, you might present some of these problems. If there is an 'ask the expert portion" maybe you could ask also.

But I doubt your daughter will be very receptive to much imput from you. I remember being in a bookstore at Xmas and seeing 2 4 years old boys running amok among stacks of books. Their mother was weakly saying, "Darling, please, darling, please". Finally, an employee told the kids to knock it off, and the mother leaned closer to the employee confidentially: "I'm so glad you said something."

I also have a friend who is deaf and got a divorce and whose mother thinks her granddaughter is the poorest most put upon little thing on earth. Poor steffi, from a broken family. Poor Steffi, who mother is deaf.

Poor Steffi sounds just like your granddaughter, and I have to say, now that Poor Steffi is 8, things are not going so well for her. She's a bully at school, has few friends, is disliked by teachers, in therapy, and a month or so ago this friend actually had to call the police on her daughter. (Friend lives out of state, so I don't know the whole story yet). Friends had to cut off bad-influence grandma who would insist Steffi be allowed to do whatever she wanted even as Mom was saying no. Grandma would actually fight with mom over it infront of poor Steffi.

As re your granddaughter, I'd stick to things that actually affect your directly: such as the food being thrown. No one should have to endure getting food thrown at them. You may try talking to your daughter again, or maybe choose not to share dinners until Steffi is old enough not to throw food (how old would that be, btw)

Also, you may want all your visiting to be done in house when your daughter is available to do the disciplining. Maybe stop taking your granddaughter on trips to the mall until your granddaughter can be relied upon to behave.

My nephew did something once similar to your mall experience. He stubbed his toe (abt age 7) and fell on the ground clutching it and howling, all out of proportion to the pain even the most severe toe stubbing could cause. I stood and watched him and once when he peered out at me, I said: "What are you doing!" He said, "My toe hurts, my toe hurts." I said: "Why are you crying so much." He said, "I always cry a lot." Me: "Really? Why?" Him: "Because I'm very sensitive." Me: "Well, I'm sensitive too and that noise hurts by ears. Why don't you go in the bedroom and do it." He looked shocked. "I'm done now." Me: "Just the same, you must have worn yourself out yelling like that. You need to lay down for a half hour and get collected."

I can't say we are very close, but he's not close with hardly anyone. (At age 9 he fell on the ground because his grandmother wouldn't give him ice cream at 10 am. I walked up on him thrashing about on the floor and my MIL hoovering anxiously trying to get him to stop. She couldn't even get him an ice cream because the store was closed. As I walked up to them, I heard him howl: "Who do you think you are talking to?" This coming from a 9 year old to his 65 year old grandmother. Me, I would have answered, "I'm talking to a 9 year old who's about to spend his day writing sentences. Why? Who do you think YOU'RE talking to?" But I figured it wasn't my problem, or my drama. It was between grandma, grandson and ultimately mom and dad.

The boy is now eleven and not doing well, has school social workrs and therapists and may have to go to a special school for emotionally troubled kids.

It's too bad. I feel for you, but I don't think there's much you can do but protect yourself furtively, and hope when the inevitable happens, it isn't too bad.

Thanks for your input.

I have looked up Gentle Discipline. There is a large online group and you must be a member to post. To be a member, you must go through a long questionnaire asserting that you "agree" with their child rearing methods before they will approve your membership. My daughter is part of this group. So, even if I could sign in, it would feel like eavesdropping and spying. I do know that she asks this group a lot of child rearing questions --instead of me.

As much as I hate to admit it, I now severely limit my contact with the whole family. I do not take her anywhere, we rarely join them for meals. I save babysitting for extreme circumstances and at her house only.

When I am in charge of her, I follow my own rules and expect her to learn how to behave with Grandma. I do not spank,and I do not raise my voice. One thing she has learned from me is that we don't do anything -- anything at all -- until after our first game "Beauty Shop", where she is learning to sit and let me comb out her hair. Just one small step at a time, and hopefully I can make a small difference.

My husband, her grandpa, works with school age children like this every day. And the stories he tells are heartbreaking. We don't want this little one to be a bully and a threat to others. So even though we are limiting contact, we watch and pray and do what little we can.

Why don't you tell your daughter you were interested in her child rearing methods and went online to research them, and came across this group/forum that specializes in Gentle Discipline. Ask her if she'd ever heard of it and would she think it would be helpful for you to learn how to better support her and her husband and learn how to be consistant in encouraging your granddaughter.

If you daughter encourages you to join the group, join. You'd have to be tactful about any posting, in fact, it might be best to run your ideas past your daughter first. "Darling GD threw food at Papi tonight at the table. I wasn't sure how to handle it. Would this be a good question to submit to the group." Take your daughter's lead on this. If your daughter's not supportive of your participation, you've lost nothing. If she's receptive, perhaps you can very delicately focus attention of a couple of your greatest concerns.

I would NEVER bring up an incident that happened with your GD when her parents around, only incidents that occurred when you or your husband were alone with the granddaughter. You can humbly claim to be clumsy at handling her, but should never imply that your daughter doesn't know what she's doing.

If your daughter doesn't like this idea, then you are no worse off than you are now.

I'm sorry you have this happening. The best thing to do is to keep a good relationship open with your granddaughter and daughter, so that you have the best relationship under the circumstances. Then when the child is old enough to reason with you may be able to gently guide her through some of the trauma that is coming her way.

I have the same issues with my 3 year old granddaughter. She’s s tyrant. No means nothing to her. She rules the house. The parents say no, she throws a fit, including smacking, hitting and throwing things, then the parents tell her to do whatever. Which is 99% if the time being destructive, loud and out of control. She isn’t a sweet lovable child. She doesn’t want anyone other than my daughter to touch her. She will try to slap if we try to hug or kiss her goodbye. Going out in public is embarrassing. Food throwing tantrums. She will not sit down and they allow her to roam and run around in restaurants and stores. I’m to the point I sometimes avoid being around them. Sad, because I found love to take her to zoos and fun places. But I cannot desk with the tantrums. She’s no fun to be around. I d

dare not say anything to the parents. It would be a major blow up.

That's a shame, dmwwest; it can be wonderful to have a nice relationship with a grandchild. But tough if one doesn't like theirs! From what you posted, I can see that there's not much to like about the child. But, of course, it's not the child's fault.

So sorry - I don't have advice, jus a <hug>.

Very sad......whatever Gentle Parenting is supposed to be---it isn't materializing. As they get older and children are not taught that consequences exist---they will only behave worse and worse. Parenting is a great responsibility...and from what I see today---many parents of young children spend too much time on their phones and devices....in addition to throwing wonderful traditions they may have grown up with out the window. Children are not play things, but real human beings who need a tremendous amount of guidance and love....and this includes disciplining them when they need it. Disrespecting another person should not be accepted in any situation. I can only tell you that I have had much experience with 10's of thousands of kids....and that abnormal behavior such as you describe denotes a very dysfunctional household....one that I would only interact with infrequently as possible. It's heartbreaking, but your well-being and ultimately also your sanity and even safety are at stake....you deserve better treatment! Pray that the parents wake up before the kids have no friends to call their own, and the parents are so far in denial there is no turning back to correct the twisted and tragic situation. God Bless!

This post is 10 years old. That makes this lovely little child 13 1/2. Wonder what kind of a hellion she is now?