Well, there is a lot going on here. First of all, you guys should not have been so hlepful and neither should have the boyfriend's parents. I was 18 and I moved in with my boyfriend, got pregnant and we had a son. It's 4 years later and we struggled and had our families support but they did NOT hold our hands and help us through everything. It was hard and yes we got frustrated but you know what? I'm thankful we had to fall on our face and grow up. We did it fast and it was because we had to not because someone else was saying we needed to and doing everything for us. The only way I think your daughter and her boyfriend will ever grow up and appreciate what you're saying and have done is if they are forced out on their own. As for your grandchild, I'm sorry you don't get to see her. There is some resentment going on that is forcing your daughter to keep her from you. I guess all you can do is try to call your daughter and apologize and be there for her. I know you're probably thinking, "Apologize? For what?" well, I'm pretty sure that you said or did something that you're daughter did not like. It may not be something you think was wrong but it upset her. Like did you maybe put her boyfriend down? Maybe he's not perfect and what you wanted for your daughter but that's not your choice. It's her life and her choice. She's now an adult and a mother and sometimes that's hard for a parent to realize. It took my Mom about a year and a half to break down and cry and tell me I was doing a great job and to apologize for doubting me, my fiance' and questioning his intentions and everything. Just try apologizing and approaching the situation differently. Be there but don't help too much. Don't let them rely on you for money or babysitting or stuff like that. They may get angry because you said no, but they'll learn and someday down the road, they'll wake up and realize you weren't so bad after all. Good luck... ~Leslie~

Tune her out. Really. Take her power trip she has in your head and turn it off. Ms Trash Talk can't actually live in your head unless you allow her to. No, she should not be yakking trash to the adult children...but honestly, think about it. Your kids know you. They have lived with and observed you for years. Through good and bad. Nothing Ms Trash Talk can say will make them stop loving you and nothing that will change the fact you are their mother. Tune Trashy out. Refuse to discuss Trashy with your children. She is what she is and short of duct taping her mouth you can't control what falls out of her trap. You didn't mention how long Ms Trash Talk has been in the children's lives, but I'll take it quite a while. No woman would expect to take a 'place of honor' at a stepchild's wedding unless they've been a part of the kids life. And if Dad paid for the wedding or part of it, Dad would of course expect his wife to be included. I never really understood the wedding picture tiffs. JMO, but any adult child getting married should have enough sense in their heads and be mature enough to figure a whole lot of photos will be taken. Bride with Mom and Dad, bride with Dad and SM, Mom and SF, entire wedding party photos with couple and all parents (steps included) blah blah blah. Petty jealousy over photos does not belong at a child's wedding. Plenty of pics should be taken to make everybody happy. I'm going to assume you didn't make SM sit by herself in the back of the church. I'll assume too that you did not seat her out in the guest section at the reception. There are ways of handling difficult situations. Should Trashy confronted you at a wedding, of course not...but you didn't tell 'us' what did set her off. If you indeed did nothing and treated her civil and with some respect, then again, it's her problem, tune her out. Walk away. One can't agrue if there is nobody standing there to agrue with. Why do you and ex with to consult with all the holiday arrangements? You're talking about children old enough to be married, so I'll assume these darlings are old enough to pick up phones and talk to each parent individually...and keep calling and talking until agreeable arrangements are settled. Things sometimes have to change when our kids start marrying. We sometimes have to accommodate multi families. Example, not just Mom or Dad's house but now also the new inlaw's house and family.

TOS, I don't need a website to tell me that the majority of kids today are in non intact families. I was surprised back when I worked for social services, how many children lived with grandparents and other relatives. I was equally shocked at how many father's had custody and uninvolved mothers. I was a single mother and I figured that there were very few mother's that didn't have custody or see their children. While KKNY can yell from the rooftops that only 10% of fathers have custody, I think that's an outdated statistic. It may not be much higher, but that doesn't mean 90% of mothers have custody. Obviously, if 4.5 million (and I still think it's higher) children live with grandparents and I saw many cases of children living with other relatives that would not be included in those statistics (as well as non relatives raising someone's kids)... when you factor that in, the percentage of mother's raising their children drops. KKNY, like I said, you can't discuss EVERY possible scenario before you get remarried. When there are children involved, you have to accept the unexpected. I guess the first rule is IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, DON'T MARRY SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LIKE CHILDREN. Doodle married someone with small children and it's clear she loves kids. How can you anticipate whether you will want to babysit grandkids or how often (I think most people would want to babysit their grandkids) 15-20 years from now? Nobody can look into the future and tell what will happen years or decades from now. Like I said, i am looking forward to my grandkids. I can't say for sure if I will be available to babysit when my kids want me to. I think that when you get married, the best you can do is discuss how you feel about family and look at your partner's family ties... Id family as important to them as it is to you? etc. Some families are very close while some only get together at the holiday's or hardly ever. I think it's important to discuss family in general, it would also alleviate disagreements over in laws, etc. And then since the divorce rate is over 50% (and rising), I suppose that prior to the first marriage, while talking about whether they will have kids and how many, they should start discussing who will get custody and what kind of parenting plan they might have in the future. They should discuss how a step parent will play into the equation. After all, it's more likely than not for today's children to experience their parent's divorce, live in a single parent household, and eventually, live in a blended family. Might as well discuss it before having kids. I think you are right, the more you discuss, the better. And I'm always in favor of putting it in writing. People tend to change their minds and forget what they agreed to.

You're very right. It's sad that people will have kids and want nothing to do with them. I think it's also even worse when they just forget about their old family and move onto another one. Just because your ex is being a wonderful father to his kids with his new wife, it doesn't make him a wonderful Dad in the world's eyes. He would be wonderful only if he also took responsibility for his other two kids. He may feel better abour himself but he's still a loser in most people's eyes. Your ex will have to live with the choices he made in the past. Just like my fiance' will always have this hurt feeling because of all the years and things he missed doing with his Dad. His Dad also has to live with knowing my fiance' and his brothers felt their step father was more of a Dad than their bio-Dad. People don't think of the consequences at the time they do something and it's too bad. Don't you worry, something will happen to make your ex feel bad...maybe the birth of a grandbaby or a marriage but something will bring him around. At that time the boys can decide what they want and he has to live with that choice. Just try to let the boys do and think what they want. They're grown up enough to see what their Dad really is like and if they care to have a relationship with him or not.