Hello Andy,I am the 52yr old mother of a 30year old son who is losing his battle with cancer. The only thing I can suggest to you is to focus on your parents grief. Let them know that you are so sorry that they are suffering like this and that you know how much your brother means to them. Just hug them and hold them if that is something you are comfortable with. I know that there is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make it any better but I know I grab onto any positive comments people make about my Glenn. I have a need to talk about him and I imagine it would be awful if people felt they could not talk about him when he is gone. You may be able to say, I wish we had been closer but we are two very different people who love you both very much and I am so sorry that his life is ending so soon. It is better to say nothing than to say anything negative about your brother. (I have 5 brothers and sisters and get on very well with 2, distant with 2 and little to do with the fifth, so I can understand having nothing in common with siblings although wishing them no ill.) You cannot be responsible for what others say - if they are your parent's friends they probably know a lot of family history and hopefully they will know how to act. Is there any possibility of returning to the US for a visit while your brother is still here or would that be too difficult? Have you thought of writing a letter to your brother - not out of guilt because you have no need for that - but just to express your thoughts. I know my son doesn't want people fussing over him but he has really appreciated notes from some people and I in turn appreciate that these people have made the effort. Maybe a letter to your parents as well, again not apologising for your relationship with your brother but expressing your sympathy and love for them. Best wishes to you, Elspeth

The written plan is meant to stand up against disagreements. When the parents do NOT agree, they must go by what's written. If they agree otherwise, who's going to complain? However, I will caution you... as the BM you are dealing with is SOOOOO much like SD's mom... maybe her clone?! Well, when BM refused to pay any of SD's medical bills and DH decided he was going to stop 'accommodating' her in allowing her mom to get SD from school for her and DH said that until she does what she's supposed to, he isn't straying from the order to do her any favors. So, about a week later, BM was visiting her mom on a Sunday. BM's mom lives just about an hour away from us. BM sent DH a text to say she was going to be late getting home (she refused to tell us where she was) and got pissy when DH told her no, she had to be on time because it's a 3 hour drive & we get home late as it is. So, we drove to get SD on time... and she was there when we got home. SD tells DH that her mom is really angry she had to hurry back to drive her back so DH could pick her up on time. When DH found out BM had been at her mom's and we could have picked up SD from there so she didn't have to rush back, she could have stayed to visit, BM sniped at him "well, you said you wanted to go by the order!" So, SD ended up stuck in a car for nearly 7 hours that day and it never occurred to her that she was making her daughter suffer... she was too focused on making DH drive all the way. She's doing it again this summer because SD is staying with grandma during the week & BM goes to get her on Thursday night so I can drive 6 hours round trip on Friday to get her from BM's house at 2pm on Friday... lol, I told DH he ought to cancel on her at the last minute and SD could spend the weekend with BM... he said no, it would make him look bad if he cancels a weekend with her. LMAO, it won't it make HER look bad leaving SD at her mom's all week and if DH canceled and she got 'stuck' taking care of her daughter for the weekend (ruining her party plans) if she complains? Of course we aren't playing that game, but it's funny to think of how BM would play it.

Its not harsh ... sweeby ... I guess what I am hoping for is she will less willing to "sign them up" if she has to pay for half of it. We don't mind the activities really not a big deal but her telling them to ask daddy for the money part aggrevates ... would be nice if she would be civil enough to call and say ... hey junior wants to play baseball etc. Thanks raek I like the not limited to part ... I think that will cover it. The divorce decree did not cover any of that .... only visitation schedule which she has failed to comply with. Court put an order into effect neither parent can discuss CS or any part of ligitation with children. They go back to court the end of October for "modification" .... covering all bases with exactly what hubby wants. He wants the judge to decide how much time she whould spend with the children given all the facts. They sat with a "mediator" 10 days ago. Now they go back in front of a judge and let him decide since mediation did not resolve the conflict. The mediator told them both to come in with exactly what they want and the judge will make a decision based on both parents needs and wants. And to cover everything related to the children right down to who pays for haircuts. Because she said to the judge ... he keeps dragging me into court ... judge told her until the youngest child is 23 you will be back in court as much as needed until you comply with my orders.

Thanks to all for a clearer view. Kathlene, No, I am not the same person as mom of 4. I am fairly new here. I found this forum at my witts end with my SS and my previous posts pertain mostly to him. Background with this child, and my ex.. we married young for all the wrong reasons. As teenagers we were responsible a lot for his 2 year old sister. As a result we honed in our views on parenting before our child ever came along. 15 years later I think of him as a brother, we talk on the phone frequently. He has always been involved in our daughters school, sports, daily life. Although from time to time we disagree with each others life choices we almost always agree on her, what we want for her, and how to guide her. It is in no way a situation where he is unfit, uses poor juggement, or can't afford to keep her...he's a good Dad. Because he's always been a good Dad I don't feel a transfer or more equal share in residence would translate to "throwing her away". When parents are equal in love and capability for a child who says "the moms is a better home?" I can see when she was younger she needed me more. Now, I'm not so sure. kkny, I am a bit unsure what you mean by "people attribute difference to better parenting not externalities" could you please explain?