I'm right there with you. Today is the first day I have been alone since 'Mom' died. I can hardly make myself get off the sofa. Her photos are all over my dining room, suitcases still packed and I don't care.

Aimee wants me to do something with her today as I don't have to stay home anymore. I just can't make myself get ready.

Sorry to rain on your parade but if misery loves company, I'm sitting next to you. ((hugs))

(((Olliesmom))) I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom, and all the changes.

Your feelings are normal. I lost my husband to cancer, at age 48, in 2009. My family had always been quite dysfunctional, but somehow my husband made it better for everyone. He was truly the glue that held us all together, he was so loved, and such a positive influence. Since he's been gone, all of our friends have abandoned my daughter and I, and both of our family dynamics have changed (my own family, and his family).

I not only lost him, my soulmate, but also my entire way of life, and even in 3 1/2 yrs, it's been very hard to come to terms with. I am now engaged, we've made new friends, don't have much contact with family....but I miss my "old" life at times.

I would say you are still grieving heavily, and definitely still processing the loss, which is perfectly normal. I'm a member of a grief support board, and we speak of taking "baby steps" often. A significant loss takes a long time to accept, and get used to. Be gentle with yourself, and don't let toxic people have power or control over your life. You need time to heal. Grief can't be rushed, and we don't have much power over it, it will hit when it hits. I promise the waves do get easier to cope with as time goes on, though. And don't ever let anyone try to make you feel guilty, or be impatient, with your grieving. It's different for everyone, and no one has the right to dictate your own journey.

It will get better, but it will always be different, and that takes a while to become accustomed to. I don't think we ever "get over" these losses, but we somehow learn to live alongside the grief. Wishing you and your family all the best.

Edit to add: (((Golddust))) I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom, too. Wishing you peace and strength. (I lost my mom when I was 29).

This post was edited by Miz_M on Mon, Mar 25, 13 at 15:58

So sorry for all of you. No real advice except to say don't put the added burden on yourself of thinking that every other family out there is just having a wonderful time, getting together all the time and loving each other 24x7. It really isn't so, even when it looks that way from the outside.

Olliesmom - perhaps with your dad you can arrange specific things for him to do with the kids -might cheer him up too. Do you have a child or children that might want to do one of those Home Depot workshops with your Dad, if he is that type? Could you say, "Dad, next Saturday, could you take ____ fishing?" or, "Dad, could you take the kids out for ice-cream on Sunday?" He probably has no idea how to get started. I know my Dad doesn't. But he might take the bait?

Olliesmom -

I lost my mom September, 2010. While my family is close and we get along, I will still say that my mom was also the glue that held us together. My mom was the one who was best about checking in on everyone, etc. She was the one who took care of us all - even though all us "kids" are long grown (ages 42-52). She loved holidays, birthdays and any occasion to get together with her family. She was a stay-at-home mom when we were young. Her family was her priority. The three of us "kids" do not have children of our own and we all work and are headed in three different directions. We are close emotionally, just not close often physically. My dad is nearby and my sister and I see him often (my brother lives out-of-town). I know he loves us all and family is important, but he is
not like my mom in that she was the one that planned things, was always calling to check on us, get us together, etc.

Life has gone on and it does get easier. It is never the same. Your life changes. I know for well over a year it was very hard. You think of the first birthday, first anniversary, first Christmas, etc. without your mother. For me, things seemed to get a little easier once we were through all the "firsts".

Mostly I try to remember how very lucky I was to have my mom for all those years. I miss her each and every day. I still have two messages on the answering machine that I cannot erase. So many times, I will find myself almost picking up the phone to give her a call.

I hope that your memories will help bring your comfort. Reach out to family and friends too. I'm very sorry for your loss. It never goes away, but I do believe it gets easier.

tina

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother-- death affects us in so many ways.

It sounds like it is especially hard because not only did you lose the person you could count on, but now you have to give support in new ways. In other words, you are giving at a time when you feel like you need to be getting (which you do).

I am glad you have your friends.

I have no advice, except to reassure you that, yes, it does get easier. My dad died when I was 13, and I have had other friends/family die as well. Time does help.

My friend's mom just died, and I am so sad for her family. It is always so painful.

It my be a lasting legacy to your mom if you could find it in your heart to pick up the reins and take over the task of keeping the family together. Small gestures at first, then perhaps the family get togethers will come naturally and become more pleasant for you all. I'm very sorry for your loss; I know how hard it is (and it will be for quite a while I'm sorry to say). It will hurt less over time though. My mom died 9 years ago and I still miss her very much.

It sounds like not only did you lose your mom but you also lost a way of life, a way of maintaining a family connection. It's unfortunate but it just seems that family connections aren't important as they once were. Or perhaps it's my age and my own sense of impending loss.

I will be interested in reading this thread. My mom is 84 and is still in pretty good health but she is the reason all of us siblings and nieces/nephews/grandchildren get together. When she dies I know that not only will we lose her but we will also lose a way of life, a way of staying connected. I'll be interested in hearing ideas of ways to keep the connections in place.

(((HUGS))) to all who have lost their parents. My dad died 15 years ago and I still miss him.

My extended family lives over 500 miles away. Our father died in 1993 and our mother in 2008. I don't have children but my siblings do, and most of them are grandparents. I really don't travel there for Christmas since Mom died because they have their own families to spend time with.

So, imagine my huge surprise when they said they want to visit me here for my 50th birthday in June. Seriously, I was speechless. But, they are coming, and we are renting a house by the lake for a long weekend to have a good time.

But losing your parents is such a huge life transition. It doesn't matter how old or how sick they were, it is still extremely difficult.

My mom has been gone for 7 years, as well as my dad, and I still grieve for them. I lost my dad, then 7 months later my mom. They were the ones that held our family together too. Everyone thought our family was close, but my parents were the "hub" of the wheel and brought us together. The siblings and I only see each other at Christmas and I speak to one of my sisters about once a month.
It is hard. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because I'm raising my kids without their grandparents and it all feels so unfair. I miss my parents and always will. I dream of them sometimes and love it when that happens. But I am grateful that I had them as long as I did. It taught me a lesson also. I want, no almost demand that my kids be close. I want them to have each other when I am gone. I make them reconcile when they argue and I plan family events and try to help them have lots of empathy for each other. We always asked our parents about each other and mom and dad would fill us in. I won't do that. I will say "Call your sister (or brother) and find out".
I just feel like the depth of my despair over losing them and missing them still is a testament to the love that we had for each other, and for that, I am blessesd.

So sorry for all who've lost a Mom. In my life, my Dad was the glur-mom was just the Secretary. My children are all out of the nest and scattered so I no longer have the joy of big family gatherings. But I've found a way to move on-to realize that I need to adjust to the new reality of the world. I've embraced social media and have found that its actually connected me more to family than I've ever connected before.

Its hard to give up what we're familiar with, buy sometimes by embracing a new path-we find greater satisfaction. Nothing will ever replace a lost parent, but in time, we find comfort in the memories while creating new ones.

Hugs to those of you who are struggling with sadness and loss. I hope you are able to find new joys in your life as time passes.

All of you are so wonderful and such wise words. You know just how I feel, even though I really wasn't looking for sympathy, but, I felt your hugs.

goldie, no need to worry about raining on my parade. I know there are many of us out there, and we aren't alone. You know, when we are taking care of someone so close to us, and we are on overdrive most of the time, then, when they are gone, having spent all that time and emotion, you are kind of left deflated. I'm sure you need some time to gather your thoughts and emotions too.

Miz M, I'm so sorry about your husband. And, at 48. My mom was 69, which to me is too young. You got it, I do miss my "old life".

bestyears, you are so right, and thanks for reminding me. I hear about everyone's plans and their family getting together, having these big dinners like we did last year and it sure seems like all is great. I truly don't wish dysfunction on anybody, but, I know it's rare to be that perfect family. As far as my dad is concerned, he golfs about 4 times a week, and knows my DS is pretty good for a 9 year old, but, he doesn't ever offer. My mom and dad used to go to DS tournaments, but, haven't in the last year and a half, since my mom's diagnosis. Dad did tell me, it makes him really sad to be around us, because we always did things with my parents.

It's so late, I will get back in the morning.

I am so sorry for everyone who has lost people they love. But the loss of a parent who was the glue doesn't mean you have to lose everyone else....it means it's an opportunity for you to become the new glue.

My dad had lung cancer twice and committed suicide in 2002. My SIL died at 39 from lung cancer in 2006. Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2007 and my brother, in grief, committed suicide in 2007. Mom finally succumbed to her cancer in 2010. DH's parents predeceased my family and he was an only child. My brother was my only sibling and we never had children. Not only were Mom and I so terribly close and my best friend, but when she died, that was the last of our immediate family. Now it is only the 2 of us. I fondly remembered the big holiday dinners and thought they would be no more. We were thankful for what we had and always made the best of it, but it wasn't the same.

Mom was the family switchboard and kept in touch with everyone. But along with her towels and kitchen knives and other personal effects was Mom's address book. It took me quite awhile, but I contacted my cousin who I hadn't seen in years and asked her if they'd like to come for Xmas. Little did I know that she was missing the big family get togethers too. I contacted her brother and they brought their family too and the next thing I knew, we had 10 people for Xmas dinner and we had such a great time. They're coming for Easter too and we're having an Easter egg hunt for the little one. I'm just thrilled.

I've managed to keep in touch with my cousins on the other side of the family as well and try to get together with them over the summer for picnics. And last year we went to Cape Cod to meet up with DH's cousins who he hadn't seen in about 10 years. It was really fun.

For all of this, I had to be the catalyst. I don't wonder that people don't reciprocate...everyone is so busy with their own lives...I'm just delighted that when I ask, they say yes and when we get together we have a great time.

So when you're ready, and to the extent that you are comfortable, you will be able to pick up that "glue" bottle and step into that role of bringing the family back together. Be thankful that you still have them to bring back together. And while missing someone who is gone can be very painful, it is a pain that is easier to bear when you're with others who share your grief and your memories of the wonderful times you had together.

I'm sending everyone who knows grief my deepest condolences, and wishing you the strength and courage to find your way to comfort.

There isn't much I can add to this, except, I feel for you. My Dad passed last summer, and I just miss him and his lady friend immensely. He had been in a relationship, but never married, with the same woman for 9 years. She was in many ways like another Grandma to my kids, and they ask for her all the time. I've invited her for several holidays, or birthdays to which she has always declined. It is far too painful for her to be around us without my Dad. Every family gathering, there is just such a palpable void. I was hoping she would continue to be a part of the children's lives, but I understand why she can't. As for my siblings, I had an estranged brother that I reconnected with at the funeral, but I just don't see us becoming tight, and it's something I will have to accept. I know this really bothered my Dad, the situation is quite complicated, but I have just accepted it to be the way it is. I have another brother and a sister and we are much closer.

Olliesmom, yes life has changed. I understand your depression, as I've been going through the same thing. Please take the time to do something fun for yourself. It is so therapeutic. I have found taking the time for me has helped lift my spirits since I've been so overwhelmed with the estate stuff. I have to say, a weekly manicure, and 3-4 days at the gym per week have really helped lift the fog of grief. Things will never be the same, it will take time to get used to.

Sending you ((hugs)).

Changes are so hard--losing a parent is especially hard. If she was only 69 then you are young to lose your mom. Too young. My sweet sister in law is having a hard time right now since she is only in her early 40s and lost her mommy in Dec (my DHs mom).

Have you considered a grief support group?. No shame in that. It helped me a few years ago, when I needed support.

I don't want to lose my mom and she is 85. Can't imagine losing a mom that is 65.

Hugs to you Olliesmom and all of you that have lost a loved one.

My condolences to all of you.

As usual, there is a lot of good advice here. I think Annie is spot on when she suggests that you (meaning any of us, not just olliesmom) be the glue.

After my Grandmother-in-law died, my MIL and her siblings started to meet for lunch once a month. They're all retired so it easier for them than siblings with kids at home and jobs but the point is they made the effort. They didn't see each other that often when their mother was alive. They've been meeting for lunch for 10 years now.

Yes, it is annoying to always be the one making the call and coming up with the plan but maybe once you start the others will be interested enough to keep it going and you can take turns making plans.

You need to pass the *glue* onto your kids. When my kids were little I used to tell them 'these are the only brothers and sisters you'll ever have'. When each moved out, and it was a siblings birthday and usually Christmas, I would call each one to make sure he/she had called the other siblings. It's to the point I no longer have to *give* reminders and each one has their 'own life' and family. I feel as a parent, we set an example re:family relationships, and this includes those between siblings. You've helped take the initial step, and if there is any guilt later in life, it will be on them.

My heart goes out to all of you. I, too have a small family and what I do have, we are scattered throughout the county.
Annie, you set a perfect example. You want relatives in your life and you are gracious enough to be the one hosting.

I've kind of become the "glue" now, I guess since I'm the oldest. But that's fine. Before my mom passed away, she told all three of us kids that she wanted us to continue to get together for birthdays, holidays, etc. We do. I can't imagine not being with my family on those days!

I've read each and every post, and each one has something helpful, and just knowing you're not alone helps.

This time of year just seems especially hard. I keep thinking about just last year my mom and I were going to plant nurseries and picking out ALL (we have lots of pots) the flowers and plants for our pots-something we've done for years together-I think this is my favorite memory of time we spent together-we could never talk enough about it. We would go to different nurseries for differents plants around town. So, I think this time of year is especially painful.

I probably do need to be the "glue" for my family now, and I really do enjoying being around my sister and her family, but, I do not enjoy being around my brother's family. I actually get anxiety being around his wife especially. My brother is fine when she is not around, but, she is so self-righteous and judgmental, I feel I am always having to be on my toes and am just not comfortable. But, I really don't think I could invite JUST my dad and my sister's family-I couldn't be that mean. I do feel guilty that my SIL did help a lot with my mom's funeral-she'd already been through it with her mom, so she knew what to do. None of the rest of us knew-guess we would have figured it out though.

red, I have actually considered a grief support group-for me and my dad, but I know dad wouldn't go, but I would.

joanie and pattycakes, I think that is a smart thing for you to do with your kids, demanding they be close almost. My DS is an only child, so I don't have that opportunity, but think that is wise. I feel guilty about my DS not having his grandma who did so much with him.

polly, I know how you feel, and my dad is feeling the same way the woman your father had a relationship is probably feeling. Being around us, makes my dad feel worse, most of the time. Especially coming to my house, he was always there with my mom. I think he should just do it more to where it feels more normal. I know it's been so hard after being married 49 years.

tina, I know you were really close to your mom too. It sound like you have a wonderful family that gets together still. I think in most families, when bothers and sisters and BIL and SIL's and THEN when you add the kids in the mix, it becomes more complicated at family get-togethers. If it were all adults, it would be easier, I think. In my case, my brother's kids are quite a bit older than my DS, so for instance, like Easter, my DS still thinks its fun to hunt Easter eggs, my nepehews of course don't since they are older now, but, my brother doesn't think it's important like he did when his kids were young-and it was all about his kids. This got OT, but, just a glimpse of why I don't enjoy getting together with ALL my family. And, there are numerous things, lots of jealousy, because my mom was so close to my DS and my sister's kids, but, my SIL had all these "rules" for my nephews and I think it made a difference.

Thanks to each of you for responding, each post means something to me!

olliesmom, hugs to you. My mom and I loved to go fabric shopping together. I can't tell you how hard it was and how brief my first visit was to Jo-Ann's after she passed. I don't think I spent 2 min in the store before I left...it was so painful. We'd had so many good times and such fun playing with fabric and colors and trims and imagining window treatments and pillows and all.

But this year, I am working on a bridal veil for a young friend of mine. I can't tell you how close I feel to Mom doing it...I feel like I'm paying it forward for all the work she put into my bridal gown. After Mom first passed, no way could I have done it....but now that it's been a few years, I feel so close to her when I'm working on it. It's a way I can spend more time with her, even though she's gone, and to carry forward her legacy of love for sewing and creating beautiful things.

As Mitch Albom says, after someone dies, your relationship with them doesn't stop....it just changes. So it will for you and your Mom too.

Annie, I loved your story, and the last line touched my heart.