I think you're on track for sainthood ! Seriously, what you are willing to do is not just accommodating some physical needs but addressing her emotional needs as well, and that's huge. You are generously offering to upend your home and personal preferences knowing it will be temporary and of great importance to her. If you are able to do this and not feel put out and pissy on a daily basis (anyone would feel that way from time to time though), then I think it's MIL's best bet for the care she needs at this moment. And unfortunately, that need never seems to decrease so this way you are already prepared for what may come next. As I said, sainthood.

Once I've had my coffee, I'll be fine. I'm only pissy early in the morning. LOL! I worked with/managed programs for Developmentally Disabled Adults for 13 years. It's just a mind set.

This is her style. Only imagine blue brocade floral sofa and marble table tops. In my Craftsman home. LOL! (I swear that is like her wallpaper.)

To MIL's credit, she has beautiful hardwood floors and a persian rug. Not carpeting.

Ditto what dlm2000 wrote - sainthood track is right.

My MIL has the same loop going. "I paid a pretty penny for that" is her justification for not changing a thing, such as a light fixture that doesn't serve her needs anymore. She too has a precious dining room table and I mention this as a warning because your MIL may decide "my table, my rules." Nothing, not even a plate, can be placed on my MIL's dining table. You can't even sit at the table and write a note for fear that the pressure of the pen will make a mark on the table.

How many votes do you need for sainthood? You now have three!

If you have room to store some of your things (dining room table), then I think it is a lovely idea to do that for her. You will never ever regret being kind.

Yep, I can see the halo from here.

We won't charge her rent but we want her to pay for a weekly housecleaner and gardener. We will be prepared to have her pay for support if she needs it so we can still go away for our one week a year.

Realistically, she will be making money. A property management said she can easily rent out her (paid off) home for about $3k a month. Added with her retirement income, she will have to start paying income taxes. If she pays us for housecleaner and a gardener, she can write off that expense as renter's credit.

The extra time she requires from me will come back to me in the way of less things to do around my house. And we have a larger property and home so gardener and housekeeper won't come that cheap.

My MIL is so meek (sometimes passive aggressive) but I have been dealing with her for years by being forthright. "Mom what are you trying to say? Please be direct." She has NEVER told me what to do or how to do it. I can't imagine her doing that to me. Aimee was 13 when I married her son so I had been around the block a time or two by then. She isn't that hard to manage. She is past having anyone live by her rules.

She has been over protected all of her life and dwells on her recipes that she can't remember how to cook. She was a darn fine cook too!

Hmmmm..... Is there any possible way to turn the downstairs family room into her sitting room, and create a family room upstairs for all of you -or in another room downstairs? I'm thinking of all the effort to put the stair life in, and then having her call you constantly while you are downstairs.

Well, here's one more vote for sainthood. I think that you can pull it off and do a fine job of it. But just keep in mind the cost to yourself and your DH. As her mind continues to lose itself in dementia, her physical needs will become much greater, perhaps needing round-the-clock care. She may already be wandering mentally, but soon may wander off physically. My grandfather did that many times in the 2 years before he passed on. He was living by then with my sister (another saint) and her family. That was frightening, as Gramp truly didn't realize that it was not Summer, but Winter and icy and he was in his undies with flip-flops on. Thankfully they found him every time before he got injured and quickly put special locks high up on every door. My point is, plan now for such contingencies. A place for a night time caregiver to sit, etc. Another thing my saint of a sister told me was that as Gramp's mind slowly dwindled, he became more and more verbally abusive, which was so not like him before the dementia. At times he actually became combative. Then could not remember to use the bathroom, etc. Sis & DH could handle it but it added a huge stress to their marriage and to their daily lives. And, Sis told me later,that for a long time then and after, she felt very sad and guilty about how her feelings towards our adored, sweet grandfather changed for the negative. She doesn't feel that way, badly I mean, anymore, but it was a tough time for her and she's a saint just like you. In fact, you remind me of her a lot. I just hope your DH can handle the daily changes he'll see in his mom. It can be tough.
Anyhoo, it sounds like you and your DH have pretty much made up your minds or they've been made up for you by the circumstances. I'll keep you in my prayers that this goes smoothly and well, Golddust. You can always vent here.
Lynn

I haven't read the other comments but wow, she obviously doesn't realize it but you are worth your weight in Gold to her!

I believe having her things around her will help her to be less confused or even scared of the change. That doesn't mean you can't sloooowly change some of them back through time though.

Okay, after dealing w/my MIL, helping her out each month while the other kids didn't, we drew up legal papers because she was sucking our retirement dry. And it was the only way to get it back.

You need to have papers drawn up saying she will be paying rent, because if she's already losing her memory, there is no guarantee you will be reimbursed. Unless you're wealthy and can afford all of her expenses while living with you.

I'm also thinking your dh needs to be her Power of Attorney. We did that with my mom who has dementia. Someone has to make decisions for her because she obviously can't do it alone.

About your furniture. Now this is just my opinion because frankly, I got tired of my MIL wanting this, wanting that, and I just grew to resent her. Your MIL had her furniture all her life, now it's your turn. Yeah, I'm being selfish (and I'm in a bad mood, lol) but if you keep caving into her you'll come to resent her, especially with you two under the same roof.

I would abide by your husband's wishes on the DR table. You don't want him to resent his own mother either.

Just to give you an idea of how much money we could have lost, we had my MIL deed over her house to us because the money we gave to her was what her house was worth. We sold it (and the car we bought her) and got our money back, but we also took a loss.

I wish you luck, but think long and hard about all the future repercussions you'll be getting into with just "her word" on things.

And yeah, you're a saint! You're a lot better and patient than I am! lol.

I'm listening to each of you. Thanks for taking the time to respond to the second round of needed advice, opinions, etc.

The shower upstairs will be ADA compliant. Downstairs, we only have a pedestal tub that is way too high. The bedrooms upstairs have larger rooms. The smallest bedroom is 15' x 17' so there is room for her Persian rug.

She is set for $$. The cost of completing the shower and the chairlift will be hers. We've discussed this at length with the other two sons and they totally agree she should pay for this. DH will have to take over her finances but that is already stated in her trust. (He is the oldest son in an Italian family. This is just how it has always been done in his family.) DH is the Executor and is on her bank accounts already. She recently asked him to take over paying her bills so he will.

We will send bank statements to the other two siblings monthly/quarterly and discuss any unusual costs with everyone before we spend her money. We have a book keeper so it's just one more thing she will do for us. No more burden for us and she will pay for that. We don't want anyone thinking we plan to take advantage of the inheritance. DH has a wonderful family so we don't want to screw anything up.

I'm doing this for my DH because he allowed me to do this for my Mother and beloved Uncle. Uncle had Alzhiemers (spelling alert) and lived with us. He was golden with my family. Now it is my turn to return the favor with the same humor and love we used to get through this the other two times.

My parents were farmers. Things other than necessities had little value. My MIL is a city girl through and through who is very materialistic, so we have to do it a little different this time.

My goal is the same with her as it was for my beloved elders. When she dies, I don't want a single ounce of guilt and I want to make her feel like we are grateful she is with us. I find it makes for a more enjoyable life.

I can already hear us laughing over the private running joke about her "beautiful dining room table." LOL!

I'm going to have a whole lot more help with my MIL than I ever did with my family. They cost us money. My MIL can pay her own way.

If you knew my DH, you would know him to have the most golden heart of any man I've ever met. He doesn't have an enemy. He isn't self centered nor moody. If I said I want her dining table in my dining room, he wouldn't even question it. He just doesn't want to make me take it. If I get pissy about any of it, it won't be a returned favor to DH. I don't want to make his life miserable because he didn't make my life miserable when I was taking care of my elders.

Her finances are set up. Her DH was through and we've helped her do the updates after her DH died (deed to house, etc.) but the trust has remained the same. Since DH's name is already on her accounts, I don't see a problem. She has an attorney and we can check with him.

In California, whoever admits her to any kind of hospital, automatically has POA. Whoever admits her is financially responsible. (Been there, done that.) Having DH's name on her accounts gives him the ability to handle her finances immediately.

We have a big enough house where we can have privacy. If she gets annoying, I can take her upstairs to watch a little TV or to read her trashy Romance novels among her "beautiful things."

It was my family who drained our accounts. LOL!

Golddust.... you are such an amazing role model! My goodness!

What kind of relationship does your husband have with his mother? I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this! If it were my parents, I would do whatever I could do to help care for them. My sister and I had to step in when my mom was ill - my dad was facing surgery and too devastated over her illness/prognosis to make many decisions, etc. We kept her at home and had caregivers most of the time and later, hospice. I realize that may not be feasible in your case. When the time comes, my father will probably live with me or my sister, if there is a need. My MIL has long-term care insurance and has made plans in the event she cannot live alone. Have you considered assisted living - possibly there near you? That is what we have done with my grandmother and honestly, it is the best possible situation for her. We tried keeping her at home at first - with caregivers, but she was not doing well. At the assisted living facility she has the care she needs, wonderful meals, friends, activities, etc., etc., etc. We are able to visit at any hour, take her out whenever we want, etc. She is more mobile, happier and more active once she got used to the place. She is at the lowest care level. I realize your costs are much higher there in Cally, but this was less than half what we were paying live-in care.

I wouldn't charge one of our parents rent, but I can understand the extras. When my mom began caring for my grandmother (before she became ill herself), she, for the most part moved in. My dad was handling mowing, etc. of their combined acerage. There came a point when he was no longer able to do that. My grandmother's contribution was to pay for mowing of both properties. She also bought her own groceries, etc. It worked out well for quite a while.

It's a hard decision that requires alot of thought. You need to try to do what is best for both sides - again - hard. I wish you the best in working it all out!!

Sorry Goldie - my first question didn't come out right. I was just wondering how he felt about things. I've now read through the responses and it sounds like you both agree you want to care for her. I would still suggest the power of attorney - it's not just for medical care. In fact she should name (we all should) a medical power of attorney along with a regular POA. But things may be different there. I am my grandmother's POA. I had to show POA to change accounts (bills) over to me and I was already on her checking accounts. In order to handle her investments, etc. I also had to show POA. I agree with you about not wanting to feel any guilt. I have always felt that my parents gave me the best of care while I was with them - and even beyond. I have always felt that sometimes there comes the time when we return that care to our parents. Sometimes the roles are reversed. I hope I am making sense! I feel like I am rambling - too much going on while I try to read and type!!

tina

This is going to be quick.. I had my ex neighbor stay with us for 3 weeks last year & it started adding up real quick- gas to take him to appointments & to his house to get his mail; his special food that he liked; everything also went up with another person in the house; food; water; electric. While you start off not wanting to charge "rent".. they should pay their way; especially in this economy. I was so exhausted too because he hardly slept; always wanted coffee; was not "at home enough" to serve himself; plus I had another bed to change; more towels to wash & another room to regularly vac that no one uses. Also had to clean bathrooms more.

The mental state is huge- I am the one person he gets along with- he snaps at his relatives & by the time he left; he needed to go & told people I forced him to leave but yet he'd already called his niece to come get him when we'd already offered to take him home.

The table & allowing people to use it is something I never thought of & it's a very good suggestion before bringing anything into your house. I do like that you're willing to change to her table but if your not allowed to use it.. I don't know... lol

Does she use a cane? My neighbor did & all we heard was the cane banging when he paced around the room at night.

Another thing to consider is the house phone & does she talk on the phone a lot? Will it disrupt your life to have your phone tied up?

Yes, she uses a cane but this house could use an intercom system easily. The thumping won't affect us. Sometimes we can't hear or find each other. I have a bell I'll give her.

Tina, I understand your question. We'll check with her legal counsel who wrote the trust to make sure everything is order. Thanks. Good idea. Robert can be direct with her but he has no 'Mommy issues'. He initiated the question of her coming here, knowing I wouldn't hesitate. We have an easy marriage and can't remember the last disagreement. He totally adores me. (He is cleaning kitchen as I type.)

My dining room is only used for family gatherings, just like she used her table. She has very nice table pads that we will also be using to protect her precious.

The biggest deal will be preparing her home to become a rental. Removing wall paper, painting, replacing a picket fence, getting it inspected for termites, etc. yada, yada.

We'll install her own telephone so she can call her sister everyday.

Golddust, you wrote:

"Realistically, she will be making money. A property management said she can easily rent out her (paid off) home for about $3k a month. Added with her retirement income, she will have to start paying income taxes. If she pays us for housecleaner and a gardener, she can write off that expense as renter's credit." (My emphasis in the bolded part.)

I don't understand this. Renters don't get income tax credits for their rent, at least as far as I know. It's just a household expense like any other. Though it may come into play when figuring various low-income benefits offered to the elderly, like perscription costs or heating allowances for which she might be eligible. And if she is paying expenses in your household in return for board and care, then perhaps that money may be taxable income to you and your DH? I would check with your accountant before you set up the deal.

Not that I think you shouldn't do it this way, but sometimes what seems equitable and appropriate on a human scale complicates things like taxes and eligibility for other benefits.

We had a Plan B for my MIL (who was having progressively more serious TIAs and couldn't safely live alone another winter in a wood-heated house), but she, as always, managed things her own way by going to sleep after eating her lunch in her own own house and not waking up again. She was a gifted water dowser and I have always suspected that on a psychic level she figured out that her kids (my DH and his sisters and I) had a Plan B that was nearly in full development. Appalling shock for all of us, but as she had often said after my own Mother had died unexpectedly at home, "She Did It The Right Way", at least for her.

I second the advice to keep her furniture in her rooms, and not budge from there if there's any chance that having her stuff in the common rooms will make it difficult for you to use your rooms the way you like. It could get to a be profoundly annoying burr under your saddle.

Good luck!

L.

Sounds like a plan then Goldie!!! Since you and your husband are willing to move your mom in with you, and all that entails, could you not talk to the siblings and suggest (maybe insist LOL) that they take charge of getting her house ready for rental? I hope they are willing to help out in some way.

Oh, and I'm sure you totally adore him too!

tina

Lirio, you could be right about the taxes. We will check with our tax person. I'm listening to my SIL, who is dealing with the same situation with her DM. If she reimburses us for housekeeper and gardener, it would be considered income. Maybe she should pay them directly and forget it. DH and I are already paying $750, a week in taxes. Will work it out the best way we can.

I'm working with the siblings re: the house. I'm not in this alone. There is so much talent in DH's family. Everyone of them are accomplished DIYers and two are in related businesses. We are discussing the vision for the
house as a rental. We have to be smart. Money put into her rental can be tax deductible. My SIL thinks her DM pays half of her rental income in taxes. It may not benefit MIL to let them donate their time. Still checking out information.

I will not be peeling wallpaper but we've worked together
many times before on my house improvements and on MIL's kitchen update. We have a process that works. My BIL who lives by me, has been specializing in old house restoration his whole life. Rotten window? No problem. Ceiling's unlevel? Give him a day. He is magical with mud. Popcorn ceiling? Gone. He builds sets for our local theatre company and wins awards. We've been spending time on the phone planning.

typed on my iPhone before coffee. Forget me, my lack of coffee and my auto correct. I don't always wake up like a tiger. Lol!

I think you're doing everything right. It's always best to make the decision based on the entire family and, in your case, you're setting a wonderful example. I had a very difficult mother in law that could make your life miserable if you let her but I kept it light and wouldn't buy in to it. Actually I loved her as she had a horrible childhood and lost 7 bros and sisters and mother in one week during the Spanish flu in Italy. She too, held on to everything and was materialistic, but I understood that she could rely on these things to comfort her after being so traumatized. We really need to try and understand why some people are that way. I think if my mind was slipping I'd want all my familiar things around me. My Mom had alzheimers and, after caring for her for years, she had to go to a nursing home but we brought as much furniture and all her favorite things there. It looked like a flea market room but it made her happy and that's all that really matters, isn't it. I admire your dedication to your family, it's a good way to live your life. Your mil is lucky to have you.

MIL was in a JC Penney explosion when she was around 40. The boiler blew up and many people were killed, including the person who was cutting her fabric. MILs pelvis was crushed by the beam that killed the person waiting on her. She was trapped in the rubble for hours and hours.
Spent months in hospital in traction.

As we know, old injuries can come back to haunt us all. She won't be running off anytime soon but my Uncle ran off before I took him in. Had to put ID on his dog and constant companion.

If she gets immobile, we will reevaluate her needs. We've done it before.

Golddust,
Are you planning to use a property management firm for your MIL's property? If so, I have one I can recommend in Redwood City. They are very good, particularly for tracking legislation (that we would not otherwise know about) that impacts landlords. When a new law was passed making carbon monoxide detectors mandatory, they made sure that happened, etc. They are our second PM firm -the first I was not happy with. We've used them for 6 six years or so I think. Besides the above and running interference with the tenants, they will prepare an annual report which makes it easy very easy for tax preparation. Just email me and I'll send you the info if you would like.

Gold, would she consider selling the house? Isn't it a few hours away from you? We considered renting out my MIL's house, even though we owned it, but it was in the City and would have been a real pain. Unless you or another family member lived in the same town as the house then I could understand renting it.

You're still a Saint. lol. If I had a daughter, you'd be my first pick. :) But my son's are a lot like you, so I'm truly blessed and see where you're coming from. I just want it to be an easy transition and experience for you all.

My SIL is losing a house due to renters. They're close to $10,000 late. NJ is not favorable to landlords.

Santa Clara is very favorable to renters. And yes, we plan to have a Property Management take over - after we get it up to speed.

Mom owns this home outright so the worst case won't happen in regards to losing her home over renters.

She lives next to a high brow, private University that attracts big money students. Her neighbors died and the kids of the owners did some work (like we intend to do) on the house to update it. Now the home is being rented to students of the University. There are BMW's and Mercedes in the driveway. The next door house is well maintained by the rental company. It is rented out to great kids who take her garbage to the curb, etc. She bakes for them and they are awesome to her. We'd like to duplicate the situation. Like I said, we have to be smart. I plan to ask the student neighbors who handles their rental when we go down next weekend because Mom just raves about those kids.

Oakley, her house is a gold mine. She doesn't want to get rid of anything so if we let her house support her materially while she is alive and save the sell for a later date (and a revived economy), it is smarter to rent right now, on both financial and emotional levels.

There are no alligators on her doorstep wanting the inheritance, and the location of her house means we must keep on top of it all. First priority is to take good care of her. After all is said and done, we are all willing to
keep it as a rental until the time is right to sell. Welcome to California Real Estate!