Nancy,

So sorry to hear of your set back, but it seems like these things do happen when building a house. I've shed tons of tears, snapped at my wonderful husband, and lost lots of sleep over our build. I was suppose to be in by June and we'll be lucky to be in by November. And we're over budget to boot!

Just the other day I got excited seeing my hardwood floors go in and seeing how beautiful they are, and then a day later got depressed by seeing tons of huge mortar stains on them from the stone masons doing the fireplaces. I have faith that they'll be fixed, but it still took the wind out of my sail.

I think that exercise helps to relieve the stress. But I think I've been drinking more wine than I usually do too.

Good luck with the engineer and a fix to your framing.

Sorry to hear about your set back. I sure have had my fair share of being happy, sad, mad, and confused! I have to admit that it has not been as bad as I thought it would....SO FAR. I really think rosemary is right that exercise helps so much (and so does the wine!!) I am going to start walking each morning when I drop DD off at school. I just try to keep in mind that it will all be worth it in the end.

Good luck and keep your chin up!

Don't know how long you've been hanging out here. Some of the old-timers can probably help you more than I can. But here's the link to a recent thing several of us put together.

You're definitely NOT alone. I've noticed a few people who tend to be pretty non-emotional, and I sure wish they'd chime in and help the rest of us out. I'm sure struggling with it.

I think some people are just less emotional about things in general, cooler-headed. And that they focus on the problem-solving end of any situation. So they don't get thrown emotionally. That must be wonderful. If any of you are out there and can explain how you do that please jump in here. Or is it just a matter of temperament?

Here is a link that might be useful: Emotional Survival Kit

I was like you in that I went into it with a totally laid back attitude about completion dates/move in, etc., but recently I have started getting anxious to just get it the hell over with. It could be because right after we got dried in, they stopped working almost completely for six weeks. Now things are just starting up again, but I take less joy in each stage that gets finished. I just want it done.

Also, we are just now starting to make decisions about interior things, and I'm finding that much more stressful. For two reasons: Most of the interior choices have a thousand different options, whereas the "in the wall" stuff might have had two or three choices with a clear directive about with one was best. The interior stuff is much more overwhelming.

Also, it was much easier to justify the expense when it was utilitarian stuff like framing and insulation. We want a good, solid, well-built house. Now I'm starting to feel guilty and worried about the money because everything from this point on we are getting basically because we want it. Also, I'm starting to see that we will be overbudget if I get even most of the stuff that I want.

I don't really have any coping advice. I have been very lucky in that my builder is wonderful and completely trustworthy and my husband and I have never been at odds (about the build). What I find is that I'm coping with the house just fine, but I'm not coping with anything else in my life. I'm doing the bare minimum at work. I've gained quite a bit of weight. I wear the same two or three pairs of pants every day plus whatever shirt is least wrinkled. My current house is a sty, and I couldn't care less. I've basically put all my other issues on the back burner until we get the house finished. It's like when you have one big thing going on, you deal with it fine but it takes most of your energy so you can't deal with anything else. That gets tiring after a while.

I guess what I'm saying is, I think I'm one of the non-emotional people for the most part - I've never shed a tear over the house - but, there is stress and it shows up in other ways. I don't think anyone is immune to it.

Here is a link that might be useful: Owl's progress blog (pictures)

I'm finishing up building our 2nd house in 10 years (we now call the first house our "practice house"), and you're right, this is very stressful. We were the GC on both houses, and my DH was the architect on the 2nd one, too. One thing I decided early on 10 years ago - the house was going to take exactly as long as it took to build, and not a minute less, so stressing over missed deadlines was pointness. Also, try to think positively - 10 years from now you'll have some great stories to tell, about how your got through this trying time and kept your sanity intact. When people ask me how it's going, I grin and tell them I'm getting exactly the house I want 'cause I'm sleeping with the architect! *lol*

Some of us are not necessarily 'non-emotional'. Numb is more like it. After a while you simply stop reacting to the day-to-day dramas and just get on with the business of getting your house finished.

This, too, shall pass...

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. It is good to know that I'm not alone in the ups and downs. I've been a lurker on this forum for awhile but having the opportunity to really discuss with others who are going through the process is comforting. My friends and family are excited about the house, but when things aren't going so well with the build, they don't completely understand, Their facial expressions basically are saying-- You're getting a wonderful new home "what are you complaining about?" -- I do need to exercise and probably need to "monitor" the wine some :-) And keep repeating to myself - "My new home will be finished when it is finished" Thanks again njb

The most important thing I think I can chime in with is to not lose site of what is really important.
DH and I had friends over last night. We told them how the couple across the street from us (married with G-kids)divorced during their build. And the couple a street up (just now in drywall stage) are also divorcing. That's crazy. There's no reason to let sticks and cement have that power.
We've had our fair share of ups and downs over the last 38 months. I don't mean in the marriage I mean as a team against...well...everything that wasn't going right and sometimes that felt like the whole world. Couple of times I truly believed this house simply would NEVER be built. Did I get crazy...OH YEA! And I've got the posts on this forum to prove it!!! LOL. Heck, we're in our home and going through a down period right now with our GC who hasn't finished. What did I do? Turned to this forum. It's pretty amazing to have this many people all doing the same thing as you...and they UNDERSTAND exactly what you're going through. How cool is that?

I've been in and around new and remodel residential for close to twenty years and am always amazed at the endless variables on a build.There are so many factors that you just dont have the foresight to see coming at you and when they hit, it can be quite a shock. Some are major, some minor, but they all can detract from the joy of a build.Some of the problems that have occured on our build are due to lack of experience on my part with the building process, relying on others who have schedule conflicts that delay getting to your project, and of course ma nature rearing her ugly head at times.Recently we had our "4r" inspection which is the heavy as far as inspections go.It involves basically the house being dried in covering framing,exterior siding,(in our case lathing for stucco),top out plumbing,rough electrical.After going over the project with a fine tooth comb and thinking we were ready, the inspector shows and proceeds to fill out a correction(s) notice a mile long with minor corrections that needed to be fined tuned.It's something that is a little disgruntling when you are ready to move forward,but seemingly run into that brick wall. It's a matter of rolling up your sleeve, take care of the corrections, and move on. Just when you think you have dotted all the i's and crossed all the t's, an earthquake happens and shakes up the scrabble board.You kinda have to learn how to roll with the flow, expect the unexpected, and deal with it as it happens without completely losing your sanity and your mates.

sierraeast: you're talking mostly about doing building projects for other people--not yourself--right? Is it different when you do it for yourself?

Here's my take on that: First, those of us who know nothing about building are more tossed about by all its jaggedness because we have no idea what specifics to expect. Or how they get dealt with. To a pro, you are (eventually) aware of WHAT can go wrong. And also, of how to fix it. Or, at least, that it CAN be fixed. We amateurs know none of this.

Secondly, even for a pro, when it's your own it's more emotional. I would think. Just like when family has some problem rather than a stranger you hear about.

My own pathetic attempts to prepare myself for all this have consisted of learning all I can about what's ahead (to cope with the first aspect I just described). And for the second, everyday I try to adjust my attitude. Since we got tossed around on the sea of home design and architects, I decided to try REALLY hard to act "as if" this is someone else's house. Just a project I'm working on. As much as I have gotten involved in my own professional work, a project there has never been as gut-wrenching/mind-warping as a project for myself outside of work. So, I'm trying to act like this is "just" a job. (Bear in mind I have never been good at professional detachment either! But, a little better.)

The one benefit I can see so far is that I'm approaching things more on an intellectual level. Doing a lot of learning, listening, problem-solving. TRYING to act like I'm doing this for someone else.

I try to interrupt myself, distract myself with another activity or other thoughts or TV or music or talk radio, or something--every time I start to wallow in emotion. Remember years ago when the mental health field was recommending expressing your anger? Beating pillows, screaming in the bathroom, etc.? I do. It was 20 years later when the research came out indicating this was exactly the wrong thing to do. That it resulted in a vicious cycle of more and more anger. The better way was said to be to simply acknowledge, to yourself, your feelings. And then go about your business and let them sort themselves out.

So, I'm trying to apply that tidbit of knowledge and not let myself increase my own misery. I'm admitting what I feel, then trying to just let it be. Not feed it or whip it into a frenzy (and I'm totally capable of frenzying up anything). Strong feelings will dissipate with time if left to be.

I'll find out how well this works. Cause I gotta say, going into this I thought I'd never get this far. I really thought I couldn't STAND it.

Hi Pinktoes, We are currently owner/building our first and last(retirement)home, but i have a carpentry/repair business and as mentioned, worked in and around residential new and remodels employed by builders either hourly or as a sub, and in retrospect have come to the conclusion that it all ties in regardless of whether you are in the trades, acting as your own g.c., or if you have the services of a builder taking care of it all, you are still involved emotionally on any build and are affected by the ups and downs. I have a lot of respect for folks like yourself, because when things go wrong on our project, im supposed to know better.Im amazed at the constant learning curve and am only now getting a hint at the building process, as i haven't been this deep in the past with others projects working for builders.They have always did their part when the process was concerned,we only did what was our part as far as the physical duty was concerned with the builder taking the brunt of the headaches.I have a lot more responsibility in the business that i have now , but the porjects are small time as i operate solo. Even at that there are issues that crop up, and the main objective is to keep the customer happy. They being the customer are going through what you all go through on that end and it'ds up to me to rectify any negatives, even if they are generally small issue on smaller scaled projects.In the overall scheme of building world, we all are affected by these negatives that can and will occur, but it's all about how you deal with them and not losing it altogether.Our inspector was a builder in the bay area of ca. and stated that on multi million dollar projects as well as small remodels, the variables are what can take you down if you let them. He stated that in all his years of building, it was never easy and never got easier.When asked the best way to contact us besides the contact numbers on their records as we are building long distance, i told him to contact the fourth floor , room 6a of the state mental hospital and ask for me there!

You have a great attitude and will go a long way to ease the bumps that builds can bring.Best of luck!

DH and I have not had one disagreement as of yet on the house. The only thing that stresses him out is money and it has always been like that! LOL! Everyone warned us how this would strain our marriage. I think we have tested our marriage to the hilt. This is nothing compared to the last 8 years of our life! LOL! We had a baby, I quit my job to be a stay at home mom, DH got laid off, we moved three times, Texas to Oregon, Oregon to Texas, DH tried to start his own business....that was fun....Texas to Virginia, Virginia to Texas. Oh that makes for moves! Countless moves from apartments and hotels. DH got a 100% travel job (that is why we left VA brought everything back to Texas and put it in sotrage), DD and I hit the road with him, I homeschooled, we drove everywhere in a car because DD had a puppy golden retriever. THIS is a walk in the park! Now if something major goes wrong or we have a theft I have no doubt DH and I will stick together on everything. It is really sad to think that building home separates folks. It did on two of my sisters :-(

We were so excited last fall when we broke ground. Every little thing was fun. Now, I'm more than a little worn out. It was a drought here all summer and things could move along nicely outside with paint, etc.... Now it's rained every day while they're trying to put in final grading, top soil, plant trees....argh!! The tile hasn't arrived for the fireplace surrounds, the granite I want isn't available, the gutters weren't in the original budget, and the house we're in now won't sell. The list goes on and on.

So, yes it's a little stressful now, but will all be worth it when we're finally in. At least that's what I keep saying to myself!

I think susi so cal uses the same motto as me "the house was (is) going to take exactly as long as it took (takes) to build, and not a minute less, so stressing over missed deadlines was (is) pointness."

I stressed a little at first with the FD deal. Now I enjoy the steps forward and will think of set-backs as more opportunities to step forward again. Life goes on and I will live a long time (i hope).