From the article you linked, she seems to have taken the money in "installments", so her husband might not have noticed what she was doing with it; plus, she was a director so she was probably getting paid well and might have kept her money separate from his.

You're assuming that the husband didn't know anything about the alleged stealing. That may not be the case.

My inclination would be to go ahead and tell him you're there for him - and her. After all, we're supposed to be innocent until proven guilty. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he'll probably let you (or your husband) know either by telling him with words or through his body language.

Sally

I don't think guys talk about that kind of stuff like women do, I say just offer to bike ride as usual. They'll do the grunt and nod the first time they meet eyes and if the friend wants to talk he'll know he can.

Nonetheless, what a bummer. What could one possibly need *that* much to commit a felony/throw away your personal ethics? A Birken bag? D&G Sunglasses? Sad.

There's a lot of pressure in our society to live well, often beyond our means. For a lot of people, that means racking up huge credit card debt and other debts. Others are tempted by easy access to money at work. For others, the two problems are interconnected. Some people have gambling and other addictions which leads them to do terrible things. I would just think, "There but for the grace of G-d go I."

When I was growing up, a friend of our family, pillar of the community, was arrested for embezzling money from the bank where he was vice president. It was a tragedy for their family. He had a drinking problem, among other things. It was hard on their daughter, who was one of my playmates. She grew up with a drinking problem too, but finally straightened herself out. So did her dad. They were human, they stumbled.

I would try to be compasionate and understanding. Not condone the behavior or make excuses that it really isn't that bad of a thing, or necessarily jump up and trust this woman, but still, try to understand that we all fall short of the glory, etc.

I always struggle with my level of compassion for well thought-out crimes such as this one ; she was managing a fund built out of donations from memorials, scholarships, fundraising efforts. I usually find some compassion in thinking that the person was mentally ill in some way ; how could she think she would get away with it.

$500,000 over a period of three years is a LOT of money to keep secret unless she didn't spend much of it. Interesting. I'm curious about how the money was disposed of. Did she have a gambling problem or just love to shop?

First off, she is innocent until proven guilty. If I were your husband I would speak to her husband and say something to the effect, "I'm so sorry your wife has been accused of such a thing." This shows that he knows she may not have been the one taking the money and gives the man the feeling that he has some empathy. Remember there are all type of sceniaros here - he may know she did it, he may not think she did it. She may not have done it. It's best to talk to the husband as if it isn't to be believed at this point. This will help the man discuss it if he wants to and know that someone may be on his side until it is all sorted out.

Beverly

I'd shake hands with the husband but keep the other hand on my wallet. Probably won't hurt to be all tapped out if he wants to borrow money for a lawyer.

: )
lyra

We've had this happen two times in the past 5 years..and the guilty wives were both convicted but didn't have to serve jail time..

The first one was a lunch lady at one of our middle schools and was some how "messing" the books up. It took 2-3 years for the truth to show up. Apparently they did do some "improvements" to the house, and basically used to pay monthly bills. I don't recall what her total was. And I always felt her husband knew all about it..but just let it happen. They are still married. We know them through Baseball and Basketball youth sports. We didn't do or say anything because we weren't close with them.

The other woman actually used her grandfathers "business" and good credit to open up credit and accounts to purchase things for her and her husbands business..He was being told that the grandfather was gifting it all. He had no clue.
They are NOT still married..He's was rocked to his core on her deceit. I know the guy, he went to school with my brother. I know his family well..Again we didn't say anything to him either.

So my advice is to do what feels right for you and/or your husband.

Guys DO talk about the same things women do - but generally with other guys instead of women - at least in California. It might be different in NY. However, there is no reason to assume that the husband has any idea of what the wife did - it would be very easy for her to buy clothes for herself or other indulgences that the husband might think she actually could afford. I'll admit that most men have no idea how much women's clothes cost. For example, my boss once told a group of salesmen (who were selling high end furniture) that they should tell their clients, "Anyone can go into a store and buy a dress for $2,000 off the rack, but if you want a couture dress, you would have to go to a special salon and pay $20,000 for a custom dress." I'm not sure if that helped sell furniture, but it does illustrate the concept that prices for common items can vary greatly. She could also have investments that she keeps hidden. It's easier to hide things from men than from women.

I think your husband should continue to ride bikes with his friend - and if he feels comfortable in bringing up the subject, he can. He could do it in a round about way - such as asking how his wife is doing. He doesn't have to refer to the article directly. From what you've said, there is little reason to be suspicious of the husband, although that does not mean (yet) that he was unaware of what she was doing.

When I used to go bike riding with one friend, he would talk to me about pretty much everything - even about the one time he cheated on his wife.

Lars

Lars I meant that men don't talk about things in the same way that women do, easy to read two ways using the word "like" as I did. Women and men approach difficult subjects very differently I'm sure you've seen it too - women generally are ready to vent and give signals to their friend to invite them to vent. Guys, IMHExperience like to pretend nothing is wrong/opt for obliviousness until they find it the time they want to say something. Like your friend Lars, he didn't come from that indiscretion needing to unload he waited until it was his time to say it. I suggested the same thing you did, go for the ride and let it ride. No push.

I'd say nothing at all, just go on as usual unless the husband brings it up. He has to know that everyone knows and may not want to discuss it at all.

As for "guilty until proven innocent", that's a mis-quote. You are "presumed innocent until proven guilty". At any point you are either guilty or innocent, but the legal system must presume you are innocent until it can be proven otherwise. "Better 100 guilty men go free than one innocent man go to jail" is the premise.

As for reality, in my office the evidence must be overwhelming before we charge anyone. We will not charge a crime unless we feel that we can prove it to a jury, they can then decide the appropriate action to take.

It happens all over, the mother of a friend of Ashley's worked at the local bank and we charged her with embezzling several hundred thousand dollars. I liked her too. Sigh.

Then again, we just charged my gynecologist with criminal sexual conduct. It's a strange, strange world....

Annie

DH sent Marc an email saying that we are thinking and praying for him. Also if he needs anything night or day to give us a call. DH also offered to him that if he and his elementary aged son need to just get away from things that they are welcome here. DH was on the phone with Marc when he found out what was happening. He sounded completely shocked and upset. I do know that they just built a huge house with all the newest technology throughout the house that cost over 400,000 dollars.

If you remember about a year ago, DH and I were having money problems and it was mostly things I hid from DH, like bills, our financial situation and the fact that there never was enough money each month to make ends meet. DH had no clue at all about what was going on and it had been happening for several years. So if she was in charge of finances there is a good chance that Marc didn't know what was going on. On the subject of DH and I, things are going much better with money and budgeting and I don't keep things from him anymore.

Stacie
girlsingardens

DH just got an email back from Marc. It was brief but basically said thank you and we appreciate your support. She should be going in front of a judge tomorrow and will probably hear more on the news. I just don't think that Marc knew what was going on or was in denial. Last summer he was wanting DH to look for a motorcycle to buy. He found one but he only had 4,000 dollars to spend on a bike, if he knew about the money he could have afforded anything he wanted. And he was worried about spending 4 grand on a bike let alone 500,000 dollars.

Stacie
girlsingardens