Would You Be Upset If . . . [Need Advice, Not Kitchen Related]

13 years ago

I am extremely sorry to ask a question that is not directly kitchen related. I know, I should ask this in ''Conversations'' but I need advice in the next 24 hours, and there is very little traffic there. And I know I shouldn't cross-post, but I am slightly panicked about this. I promise I won't break forum rules again.

So - I'm putting together a photo book for SWMBO's birthday. It will be photos from our time together, chronologically.

And I'm stuck on the last picture!

My favorite picture of her is from about 20 years ago, it is a rather fine shot if I do say so myself.

However, I am wondering if she will be upset if I end the book with that picture of the young her, rather than the current her. Kind of like, I'm saying she's no longer beautiful or some other message.

I don't have a recent shot of her that is anywhere near as good. Mostly because I haven't been that into photography and, frankly, 99.9% of the photos in the last 10 years are of the kids, not of she or me. Which is something I vow to change, but right now I'm working w/ the photo library I have.

What do you think? I need help figuring out how the female mind works. I have asked some male buddies, and gotten advice along the lines of ''use whatever pic is the hottest, dude!'' Yes, very helpful. One suggested I quickly take a picture of her now, but she is out of town so that is not possible, plus that would rather ''give it away''. Anyway I'd have no time to develop and print it - I am a film guy at heart, that's where my best shots come from, not from some low-resolution digital point-n-shoot..

I need to finish this book tomorrow night (8/19) and get it ordered, hence my growing panic.

Hmm, I thought of something - an option is to order the book with several blank pages at the end, where I can promise to mount prints of the beautiful B&W shots that I will take of her. Maybe that would finesse it. Maybe she'll still kill me, but less painfully.

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Comments (36)

bayareafrancy
13 years ago
(I can't figure out what SWMBO means...)

If it is your favorite photo of her, then it seems like a lovely "grand finale." If you are making a point of going chronologically, then perhaps there is a way to sort of set up the page stylistically to allow for an early photo?

Personally, I much prefer earlier pictures of myself. Funny how i didn't have those frown lines above my eyes before I had kids....

:-)
User
13 years ago
Hmm.. is there a way of having this final picture also be the first, hereby saying that what you've done together, seen together, loved together, is a never ending circle? If that makes any sense LOL. With all that was ahead of you, all that is behind you, you still love her now as you did then? That way, the pics you don't have don't let her dwell on the "I've aged, I'm older, I hope he still loves me when I'm even wrinklier etc"..

SWMBO= she who must be obeyed!

Good luck, and you're a lovely person to be so concerned!
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breezygirl
13 years ago
I can't decipher SWMBO either, but I like the idea of leaving the last pages blank. That way, besides the beautiful gift you've given her now, you can add more to it later with the gift continuing to give. I wouldn't be offended if my husband were to give me a gift as wonderful as the one you're working on and it had blank pages. Also, the promise of completing the book means the two of you would get to spend some time together so you could take the photos. That's always a good thing.

BUT....are you the type of guy who would complete a project like this later? My DH, god love him, never finishes anything. If he gave me a book like that, the pages would remain empty until I was a wrinkled old lady who refuses to have her picture taken. THAT would tick me off.
elizpiz
13 years ago
Without knowing SWMBO at all, it's a tough call. I personally would not want a 20 year old photo of me at the end, esp if the book is chronological. Exception would be if you know it is her favourite pic of herself.

What is the second to last photo? What if it's one of your entire family, and on the last page you put a personal inscription, the lyrics from a song that's meaningful to both of you, a favourite poem? DH did sonething similar a few years ago (except it was an actual photo album), and he put the lyrics to "She" by Charles Aznavour in the album. Every time I hear that song (my Elvis Costello version of course :-), it reminds me of him and that wonderful photo album.

Eliz

Here is a link that might be useful: Lyrics to She by Charles Aznavour
elizpiz
13 years ago
Without knowing SWMBO at all, it's a tough call. I personally would not want a 20 year old photo of me at the end, esp if the book is chronological. Exception would be if you know it is her favourite pic of herself.

What is the second to last photo? What if it's one of your entire family, and on the last page you put a personal inscription, the lyrics from a song that's meaningful to both of you, a favourite poem? DH did sonething similar a few years ago (except it was an actual photo album), and he put the lyrics to "She" by Charles Aznavour in the album. Every time I hear that song (my Elvis Costello version of course :-), it reminds me of him and that wonderful photo album.

Eliz

Here is a link that might be useful: Lyrics to She by Charles Aznavour
doonie
13 years ago
Being a fellow "She Who Must Be Obeyed", I would want the last page to be a recent flattering photo. If my DH ended a chronological album with a 20 year old picture, I would start to wonder...

"Why did he choose that photo if the rest of the book is in order?" Conclusions to that can be varied. Especially depending on the kind of day she is having. I would say a woman still wants to be left feeling attractive especially after all the stress (and joy, of course) of child raising and familial herding.

So, if you take my advice, it will make your quest a lot trickier given that you wrote you don't have any recent most excellent photos. However, I do think it is in your best interest to find one ASAP.

Let us know how this newest dilemma concludes!
minette99
13 years ago
On the other hand... I received a similar gift about two years ago that I cherish. It is a really beautiful, framed photo of me from fifteen years earlier -- not to say that I am beautiful, but rather that the specific photo is/was just so well shot! It's a great pic! It's probably THE best picture of me even though not current. I love that it was kept and treasured and that we both feel the same about that photo -- it captures a lot of me.

Then one more thought... My parents divorced in their early 50's after almost 30 years of marriage. Then, my dad passed at 65 after a year long illness. After he passed, I went to his home to clean out his things. In his bedside table, I found 3 pictures of my mom from before they were even married and 2 of them together at the beach from their early marriage, pre-kids. Each photo was marked with the date and a note about that day. I was so incredibly touched and my mother was overwhelmed when I gave them to her and told her where I'd found them. There were no words for this find.

My brother and I then traveled to his office to clean out his desk, etc. In the top middle drawer were several cards we had sent or given for Father's Days or Birthdays. He was a very private man. I don't think he brought those cards there to show to people. I think he brought them there to have us close to him in a way. The cards were between 5 and 10 years old, so I think they were carefully chosen as the ones he liked best. Another great find. Both examples of how past moments captured can give so much in the present.

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to your question. If it's from the heart and this is a picture you love... Pictures do say a thousand words and I'm sure there are a thousand unspoken words or more as to why you love this specific picture that go well beyond the age or beauty of your wife. Good luck with what ever you decide! :)
purplepansies
13 years ago
I like the idea of leaving a few pages blank and filling them with recent photos of her and of her and you together. It's fine to be honest and say you couldn't find anything recent except for the kids. But set a date for taking those pictures so it happens! I think the album is a lovely idea and she will be thrilled no matter what you choose to do! The time you put into creating this gift will mean a lot to her.
chana_goanna
13 years ago
My suggestion is a twist on Elizpiz's idea and your idea of leaving blank pages: Use the photo you love with the first verse of a song about how beautiful she is, and then follow it with about five or six pages containing the next verses plus a caption where the photo will go...."reserved for the rest of our lives" or something that gets across the message that you're waiting to take more pictures of her. When you give it to her you can explain that putting the book together made you realize that with kids and busy lives, you may not have focused on her as much (little photographic pun there), but this is your vow to fix that.

I did a quick search for lyrics and found this one, which I think would work beautifully: Beautiful in My Eyes

Good luck! You have to let us know what you did and how it turned out.
smiling
13 years ago
One possibility is a final photo of you and the kids, holding a large, clearly handmade sign saying, "We All Love You!"
formerlyflorantha
13 years ago
Go take some new photos today.
amysrq
13 years ago
I think that photo should be in there, if it's not too late. Could it be the opening page, if not the final page?

My husband recently wrote up notes for a major reunion, for which his college publishes a hardback book. He listed all the things he'd been up to, what all his kids and grandkids were doing and then mentioned me as being, to him, "forever young." It made me tear up then and it makes me tear up now.

I think there is something very sweet about seeing one's partner as unchanged since the time they fell in love. My husband still has that 52 y.o. boyish charm from when we met! :-) Never mind the wrinkles and gray hair....that's still what I "see."

Perhaps that glorious shot could some way affirm that for you two. So much depends on so much we can't know... Good luck!!
Gena Hooper
13 years ago
What a lovely, romantic, thoughtful gift! I'm feeling a bit hesitant about closing a 40th birthday present book with a photo from so long ago. I think for women in America, aging is complicated. Men grow distinguished. Women grow...botoxed? And one's 40th can be a time of angst, feeling potential unfulfilled, etc. So definitely use the photo, but probably not as the final word. I like the empty pages. I'd like the empty pages even more if there was an intro saying something about so many images to be taken, so many adventures to be had, so many stories yet to be written. Sorry to be so vague. The idea is lurking behind my brain. Obviously not adequately caffeinated or inspired this morning.

Elizpiz, love Elvis Costello's "She." Have you heard the Elvis Costello/Burt Bacharach album?
petra66_gw
13 years ago
I too like the idea of a number of blank pages at the end. Explain to her upon presenting the book why you choose this setup, namely with an eye to your future together.

I think it is a heartwarming, thoughtful gift.
davidro1
13 years ago
johnliu i didn'T read the thread slowly;; here are my reactions.
A final page is OK with a dated photo.
I wouldn't leave blank pages. There will be more albums in the future.
I would get daughter the photographer to shoot a hundred pictures in a few hours, and I'd use some of these in a collage in the last few pages before the last page with the memory photo.
Daughter and you can justify a few intense picture snapping hours as a project, or as a study of forms and materials, or fractals, or whatever. It won't let the cat out of the bag, in the grand scheme of things. The surprise will still be big.
friedajune
13 years ago
As a woman who now as smile lines, 10 lbs. more than I had 10 years ago, and possesses older lovely pics of myself slim and glowing-complexioned...I would not recommend the 20-year-old picture of your DW as the last pic. Include that one chronologically, i.e. in the 20-year-old section of the photo book.

That little voice you are hearing in your head saying don't make the 20-year pic the last pic should NOT be ignored. When people ignore the little voice in their heads, they always regret it. If you tell her that 20-year-old pic is your favorite pic of her, it will start the wheels turning in her head, and not in a good way. I like your idea of leaving the last photo, or last few photos, blank. In fact, you could make it really romantic, by taking her on a getaway somewhere where the goal (well, one of the goals) is to take pics for those last few pages. I think current pics of the two of you together would be a great bookend to the photobook.
malhgold
13 years ago
What is the picture before the "last pic"? Could you just maybe write something on the last page instead of a pic? How about "...to be continued"? or "looking forward to the next "X" amount of years together? or "can't wait for the next chapter of our lives?"

Good luck....what a lovely, thoughtful gift.
sara_the_brit_z6_ct
13 years ago
I love smiling's idea: a photo of you and your children, with a message to her.
Fori
13 years ago
Yeah, not the old picture. The other ideas are great.

(And is she cool with being called "SWMBO"? I hope there's a cute story behind it, but around here, that would be sort of offensive.)
skyedog
13 years ago
My SIL did a very nice book for my nephew when he graduated. It wasn't exactly chronological though. She organized it by themes. Vacations, family, sports, etc. If it wasn't such an obvious timeline I think you can go with your favorite pic as an ending. Otherwise can you make it an intro page or put it on the cover? If you go with the straight timeline, I wouldn't end with it.
plllog
13 years ago
I think she must love this gift! And how lovely to have a husband who recognizes such nuance of feeling. I wouldn't want the final picture to be from 20 years ago in a chronological book. It might be the best picture, but, as I'm sure you suspect, it might also be perceived as a picture of her when she was better. Not a good thing to convey. I think you were spot on with the semiotics of that!!

You could do Zones. I mean themes, instead of exact timeline (kitchen style), and then use your favorite at the end.

Or you could put the favorite picture on the cover because it's such a beautiful picture of her, and end with a picture of the two of you (even if it isn't a great shot), or a picture of her precious children, or all of you. Or, instead, after all the pictures, perhaps just a few handwritten words from you.
doraville
13 years ago
Leave the last page blank for the picture you will take tonight after you give it to her. It could be of her looking/holding her album. It could serve as the memory of the gift.
elizpiz
13 years ago
[Hijacking] - pickle - LOVE that CD - and pretty much have the whole EC collection... :-)

John - what did you decide to do???
rjr220
13 years ago
Mrs. Johnliu seems to be a lucky woman, with a gentleman who cooks, and puts together this lovely book for her. Oh, and bothers to ask the opinion of some very opinionated XX's about this lovely book.

I am way different than most folks above. I would actually much more prefer a photo from 20 years ago. My hair then was brunette, rather than the current natural platium; and, well, let's just say that for every year I have put on a pound. Some years, 2 pounds.

But I like Doraville's idea best. In fact, it brought tears to my eyes.
sparklekitty
13 years ago
I don't think you could go wrong with this gift. But...if it were a gift for me I would want a lovely candid recent photo of me and my HHBL (hunka-hunka burning love) together. Or maybe a family shot, but honestly I would love a photo of just the two of us. That would be my "full circle." OK so you can't take that photo. Maybe you need to con a friend who has a good eye to hang out with you and take some photos. I would be happy with the blank page(s) for now if that would be the plan.

Good luck Mr. Thoughful :)
kateskouros
13 years ago
well, it's very thoughtful of you to ask! you are a sweetheart. that said, i LOVE seeing (ahem) older pics of myself. but yeah, maybe not at the end. of course it's such a beautiful thought i don't think i'd mind either way. especially if accompanied by a very thoughtful gift of (very) fine jewelry.
kudos to you, jonliu. whatever it is, you done good!
neesie
13 years ago
Did anyone ever figure out what SWMBO meant?
dianalo
13 years ago
My favorite pix of myself are from when I was 16. They were done professionally for a modeling shoot. I also have a fave from in my 20s and a few from my wedding, in my 30s.
I am 45 and would rather see a pic I loved at the end rather than just something that was more recent.
If the pic was from a special day or you can say that you feel this picture captured her spirit better than any other (assuming it is not the youngest pic you are putting in) or even if it were from when you first fell in love with each other, I'd say it was the perfect pic with which to end the book.
I hate getting my photo taken and usually regret trying to be a sport and having it be taken. I think I do ok, and dh would attest emphatically, but I am not photogenic at all which is why I only like a select few photos of myself over the years. If I am not as cute as the mirror tells me (lol), then I don't need a photo to burst my bubble!
danielle84
13 years ago
Oh boy! I hope it's not too late but what about asking some friends of hers if they have a nice recent photo of her. I know mine do.
Good luck
John Liu
Original Author
13 years ago
elizpiz - "John - what did you decide to do???"

First I decided on one ending photo, then on another, then I changed my mind back and forth so rapidly that I became disoriented and drove over a pedestrian. A Flying Nun, I believe, and she sure was Blue. No, not really.

What I'm doing is this.

The book starts with my favorite picture on the cover. Then I found and paired pictures of she and me, which can be placed side-by-side, as if I am looking at her. The chronologically earliest pair was actually taken that way, and the subsequent pairs do fit together.

This is the recurring theme in the book. What I saw each time I looked at her, as we traveled through life together. With courtship, wedding, travel, first child, second child, in between each look. The chronological story ends with the most recent pair of pictures, which are respectably recent. Then the book ends - is book-ended, as it were - with the favorite picture. But it doesn't really end. There are several blank pages following, for future pictures, because our story is far from over.

I think, hope, that this design will work. I've received so much help from all of you. Thank you.

And - this is more cut-paste cross-posting, I'm sorry, and if you frequent the Cooking Forum you may see the same words there - this struggle has made me realize something that I wanted to share.

I got myself in this pickle because I haven't taken enough real pictures of her in recent years.

Lots of digital snapshots, sure, but not real pictures, shot with real feeling on real film and printed on real paper by my own hands.

I shot the kids, friends, still lifes, landscapes, abstracts. But I had already the shot of her that captured her spirit, that entranced me whenever I saw it, that I could be buried with, such that I thought I'd never need another. But I was wrong.

And that is the real moral of this story. Never stop taking pictures of the people you love, because you never have enough.

So now, I've laid out the book, and I am working on the captions. Which is more difficult yet. I'm listening to music to get the right frame of mind. "Little Wing" by Carlos Vamos, "Loverman" by Charlie Parker, and now "Gravity" by John Mayer. Each very different but all beautiful songs if you're looking for such.
steff_1
13 years ago
That will work, and beautifully! Actually made my eyes misty just thinking about it.

The way you have put it together shows you have thought it through and expresses your love.

Just perfect.
rjr220
13 years ago
SWMBO = she who must be obeyed
dianalo
13 years ago
I think she will love all the thought, effort and even the lesson learned.
I think her name should be - SWIALW (she who is a lucky woman).
elizpiz
13 years ago
Perfect.
afpetras
13 years ago
This is a Kitchen Post?
plllog
13 years ago
Afpetras -- This is a Kitchens Forum post. We are a community. Johnliu is an active member. We support our members on their creative issues.

Would You Be Upset If . . . [Need Advice, Not Kitchen Related]

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