I usually keep it. I have a brand new, in box, magic bullet in my pantry. My sister gave it to me. I am just not good about returning gifts because I know the giver thought I would love it. But, then again, as a giver, I would hope the recepient would change it for something they would love.
I am so wishy-washy. No help at all.

Jo

My son's new MIL took almost every gift they received and returned them for cash while son and his bride were on their honeymoon! She used the cash to buy used replacements at garage sales, gave them a wad of cash and the used replacements when the returned home.

I thought that was the cheapest, most contrived and outrageous thing I'd ever heard of when it happened 12 years ago. Turns out she is a "professional" garage saler and does it all the time. i still think it's outrageous.

Well, Sherrmann, your son's new MIL sure takes the cake. I hope she's one of a kind, too!

But I'm just talking about things like the scratchy lacey Lantz-type bathrobe that Aunt Peggy gave me many years ago, when she'd never seen me in such a style ever, nor do I wear robes, either (don't fit well over sweats). Or the cheap knives that Jim once got because someone knew he likes to cook (we already had knives far better).

On second thought, you can return an ugly robe by saying that it didn't fit, same with most pieces of clothing... so I'll look for answers to how to return the carpy knives....

Well - with the knives, it sounds like the "giver" didn;t really know what they were giving, so how would they know if it was the same knife set if they came to visit? Return them.

Alexa

Sushipup, you seem to have struck a never because I started blathering on even more than usual. I'll post it, rather than cutting it, so that maybe some of it will be about the kind of thing you were asking about.

I abhor gift cards. They're a boon for the stores because people don't like actually using them so the stores get the money and the cards languish in drawers. Plus, I was taught that under most circumstances money is not an appropriate gift. There are exceptions of course (teenagers, for instance), but generally, I think that when you want to give money, just give money already!

My family, instead of gift cards, has a tradition of the "crystal gift certificate". When one isn't sure what to get a couple whose needs one doesn't know, buy a pretty occasional piece of crystal (or art glass, or sterling, or whatever), from a department store that's easy for the wedding couple to get to. There's a great variety available, and always something to fit the correct price range. If what they really want is new towels, they can return the crystal and get terrycloth. But they usually love the present and keep it. Even friends of mine, when we were in collage, loved and kept a cut crystal bowl from my family, which was one of the only "fine" things they got--even though they really did want (and need) towels, as it turns out. They used it for potlucks and enjoyed having a nice serving bowl. And I like that they'd think of us fondly when they used it. I did the same for a holiday gift swap when I knew the recipient was collecting gift cards from a nice department store; I got a beautiful coin purse/makeup bag that was just the amount a card would have been (according to the rules of the swap), knowing she could exchange it, but she said she loved it too much to put toward her collection.

This is also why I hate registries. A cousin just got married, and all the shower gifts looked like a printout of her registry. So, yes, she got stuff she liked, but except for things like place settings, where people give one (or more) part of twelve, or use the patterns as a guide to the couple's taste, registries leave all the love out. It's stuff the bride and groom shop for and have the guests buy. More passing of money, really. My cousin said we gave her one of her favorite things: My mother wanted to give her a KA mixer, and she was registered for one so we got the color she chose, but we added to it all the bits and pieces she needs to bake bread and our challah recipe, making it into a kit. Something she can look at and remember us by, rather than just remembering Crate & Barrel.

When another cousin got married 30 years ago, toaster ovens were the latest and greatest thing. She got four of them just at one shower. Of course, she exchanged them! I think people expect you to exchange a number of shower and wedding presents.

It's harder when it's a personal present, like a birthday present. I've been known to clear out unwanted gifts when putting together charity sales, and I've exchanged a few. My folks have, a few times, bought me random, well intentioned stuff, at Sur La Table, that were worth too much to just put aside. One year I had mentioned a particular pot I wanted from Williams-Sonoma. They didn't have that, of course, at Sur La Table, so my father chose one exactly like a pot I already had. I exchanged it for a mandoline, which turns out to be over designed and hard to use, but I think of it as a birthday gift and it makes me happier to look at it than the total wrong pot (it didn't have to be the one I wanted, but I had no use for a second one of the one he got). I kept the salt pig though. It's not like I had a salt pig. I don't have any reason to use a salt pig, but there's one in the cupboard which makes me smile.

I guess some of the should you or shouldn't you depends on the giver too. Some people want to see you enjoying the gift they've given you, and it's not a big hardship to give them that little pleasure in return.

In all, however, I think that if someone is going to give a gift, it's worth spending the effort to choose it, wrap it, and convey it. And I think it's better to choose one's own gift after the fact, as an exchange if the size, style, or whatever just doesn't suit, than to deny the giver of the pleasure in choosing it in the first place.

Boy this is long. One of my great pleasures is giving gifts that will actually please people. And I would so rather have it exchanged (and, when I think it's likely, I'll make sure there's a gift receipt or otherwise let the recipient know it's exchangable), than have it sit for a few years in the basket for the white elephant sale!

pllog, I'm the exact opposite of you. I love gift cards, both for giving and receiving and I really like the registries. My daughter is getting married in October and I'd far rather have her get towels and sheets that she actually needs instead of half a dozen cookie jars and a chip and dip set that she then has to return.

I have absolutely no use in my life for crystal, sterling, art glass or any such things. I completely lack the deocrating gene and if you give me 5 gallons of white paint I can redecorate the house. I don't like clutter or "knick knacks" or collectibles of any kind. I like white and wood, lots of windows and empty space. I also hate to shop and I'd put off returning those gifts for as long as possible before setting foot in a store to do it. In fact, I'd probably never return it, I'd stick it in the basement or a closet and sell it for a fraction of its worth at a yard sale or something. A male friend once told me that I was the only woman he'd ever met that didn't want diamonds, I want fence. I don't even know anyone who has given or attended a cocktail party and frankly, they sound deadly dull. Of course, it would probably help if I drank. (grin) The only friends I "have over" are other members of the cooking forum, now that I think about it!

I do agree on the money, though. Just give money, if you can, it's nearly always appreciated.

As for the original question, I'd return it, whatever the gift was. I wouldn't be offended if I bought a gift and the recipient returned it, I'd much rather they get something useful than have a useless thing sitting around and know that I completely wasted my money and time on that unwanted and unused gift.

I've driven myself crazy trying to pick out gifts for other people and it's one of the reasons I never participate in the swaps anymore, when we have them. I obsess about what to get people, what they would like and use, what they want to store. Since I hate shopping anyway that just makes it worse.

So, sushipup, return it, whatever it is. If the giver notices, tell the truth. Be kind and tell the giver what you got instead and how much you like it and how useful it is and how happy you were to be able to get it.

Of course, that just might be common sense and not necessarily "good manners".

Annie

Nah, Annie, you said it in a nice way. Honesty isn't rude for being honest--it's only rude when people use it to smack people.

There are no absolutes! I'd rather have a heartfelt good wish scrawled on the back of an old envelope than have something that was a chore, rather than a pleasure, for someone to choose for me. And now we know that the thing to get you is cash "wrapped" inside a bit of fence post!

Annie, I'm like you in that I hate to shop, and I prefer almost anything over diamonds or other jewelry. Now, I have been known to ask for other kinds of rocks than diamonds, such as boulders for the garden.

If I've given something to someone and they didn't like it, I too would prefer they exchange it for something they would rather have. I don't mind gift cards at all if I have no clue what to give someone, or if, as a receiver of a gift, someone doesn't have a clue what to give me, but I do prefer to give a gift if I have a good idea of what to give to that person. Actually, one of my favorite gift cards to give is to a book store, and frequently it's to a used book store. There's only one person on my gift list that has a problem with used books, so I give him a gift card to his favorite book store, no problem. Otherwise, people get gift cards to the Half Price book store, or whatever book store is convenient to them. Since book stores sell more than books these days, even if they aren't big readers, they can get music or a movie or a calendar, or whatever.

As for the MIL that took all the gifts, returned them, and bought duplicates at garage sales, I say more power to her IF she had permission to do that. Otherwise, it was totally inappropriate. The only places I like to shop is at estate sales, garage sales and thrift stores. It's more of a treasure hunt that way, and I hate buying retail if I don't have to. It's just so expensive. I've been known to buy gifts at estate sales. The people I give the gifts to don't mind it as far as I can tell. I am very careful about quality, though. I don't give junk. Actually, much of what's available retail that I can afford is more junky than what I can get at an estate sale.

Sally

I'd hate to be newly married and have all my presents vanish, just to be replaced by 2nd hand stuff. Having said that, I almost never buy anything new, nor do I pay retail. And I see no harm in returning presents that don't suit, unless it would hurt someone's feelings--like my kids or my husband.

But it's nice to have new shiny things when you're starting a new life. I still have most of the stuff I got when I was married--over 25 years ago--and I'm glad I got the chance to put the stains, the dings, the rust and the scorch marks on myself.

I think it's interesting to learn how people feel about different kinds of gift giving. If I'm invited to a wedding and there's a gift registry I try to buy something they only want 1 of not 1 of 12 dinner plates. That way, if they are so inclined, they can remember that,"Jude gave us this sugarbowl, platter or whatever" instead of ..."well, she gave us one of these plates". I'm sure there's a word to desscribe that line of thought.

I don't really enjoy shopping for someone that I don't see often or know very well, in fact, thinking of it, I really don't enjoy shopping for others because I'm always afraid it's not what they would like.

Annie, as to diamonds, I never had diamonds except my engagement ring. It had a very small diamond, being all we could afford, and I lost the diamond (tiffany mounting). When Bob wanted to replace it I refused. I was in my 60's and it just didn't seem the right thing to me. We have 3 daughters so my line of thinking was who would I leave it to?

But when I was facing bilateral surgery for breast cancer at 75 for some reason I wanted my ears pieced again and
he did get me diamonds (small ones). I think I felt like I was defying the odds or some crazy something. My DGD's thought it was great that Nana had double piercings!

I will say it was years and years after we were married before I convinced him that something that made my life easier be it a breadmaker, a new hoe, a load of mulch or whatever, it was definitely a gift as far as I was concerned.So Annie, I can relate to the new fencepost.

jude

Jude, I agree with you about the choices from the registry. I leave the plates to the Aunties who want to dower the couple. But I do sorely hate to see rubber scrapers and the like on a registry!

I am like Annie: I love the gift cards. then I can get something I really want instead of something somebody thinks I want.
My niece is getting married in November, and she had some cheap knives on her registry. She loves to cook, but never dreamed she anybody would buy her really good knives. Well, I adore that niece, and her Mom is my only sister. So the last thing extravagant thing I bought before I left my job was good Wusthof knives for her. However, I talked to my sister first, who assured me that her daughter would absolutely love them, and who then talked to her daughter who happily removed knives from her registry. So she knows she is getting good knives. So? Why does a wedding gift have to be a surprise?
Anyway, this long diatribe does not really answer your question. I would return something that I did not like/want UNLESS I knew that the giver would be upset or hurt. I guess that's why I love gift cards. I never have to hurt anybody's feelings, and the gift card allows my to purchase something that I might not have bought otherwise.
(Although I would love a nice piece of crystal, LOL)
Sherry

We try to be very practical with gifts. We only have one niece (and no nephews). She purchased a home for her self at the ripe old age of 24, so we told her we would get her a washer/dryer for her house warming gift. We did, the same washer/dryer we had purchased recently for our selves. Also, about that time I purchased my induction range, so had something like 40 pots/pans that needed new homes. My husband polished those pans to within an inch of their lives! I asked our niece if she would like some of my used pans and her reaction was precious. She hemmed and hawed and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I assured her that if she didn't like them, she could give them to charity with no hard feelings. We sent her 20 or so pans and the reminder were given to a good friend with medical problems. When the niece received them, she was shocked at how beautiful those 15-20 yr old pans were--looked near new. Now she understands how important it is to have good tools! She sent me a picture of them in her cupboard and when we visited, the first thing she showed me were those pots and pans! We did have a good laugh over it!

For myself, I like gift cards but when I am selecting a gift I agonize over what would be unique but still appreciated. This mission for just the right gift has me dreading that gift shopping task.

With that said, I counted 23 gift cards in my wallet last month and was determined to "spend" them so I dedicated 2 days to spend the store cards and one month to use the restaurant card. It was harder than I thought to use them!

I received a "ferris wheel" spice rack from a well meaning family member; I will withhold any comments on this item.

Here is a link that might be useful: Ferris Wheel

I love gift shopping & try to put a lot of consideration into the individual(s)/event involved. It just makes me happy when I see their faces light up when I hit it just right. I've had a few misses but, fortunately, not many. Christmas '09, my DDIL was tired & stressed. She'd had a difficult year with both her mother seriously ill & I had also contributed to the family's health concerns during '09. They had moved twice with 3 kids in one year, had a job relocation, & their car's engine blew up. For Christmas (and with lots of physical help from DH), I put together a "Here's A Few of My Favorite Things" basket for her including philosophy Hope In A Jar, Micro-Delivery Peel, Purity, a Godiva chocolate candle, a terry cloth wrap to hold her hair up when she gave herself a facial, etc., good quality nail files & clippers, Ojon Swa shampoo & conditioner, spent a few hours making her a hand-painted "Do Not Disturb" sign for the bathroom door, & tucked a package of cookies in with the other stuff. I wrapped the items in a set of new extra fluffy white towels & put everything in a Peterborough picnic basket. I had fun & she must have called me 6 times just to say what a great gift it was & that every time she hung that sign on the door & turned on the shower she knew she had to call again to say, "thanks". But, I have the time to fuss putting things together & because we don't have to buy for dozens of people I can comfortably spend a bit more per person. And, I also don't adhere to the rule of doing for everybody equally at the same time. So, I can spread out the expense over time so everybody gets something special...just not at the same time.

About 10 years ago when our kids reached the age where they were starting their own families, taking on mortgages, & working long hours getting their careers established I wrote them each a letter explaining to them that it was my preference that instead of giving me gifts they each send me a hand written note telling me what had gone right during their week or share a funny story of something they'd recently experienced. Now, a decade later, I've got a wonderful collection of my kids' memories that someday when I'm gone they'll get to re-read. Each holiday they share, in these letters, personal things that don't get talked about when we're together. I don't respond to their letters, per se. I find a way to acknowledge something they've written if it's appropriate & always thank them repeating how much it means to me. But, it's lead to an unspoken closeness with my kids that I love & can tell that they feel the same by the words they write. I think responding to their letters would be embarrassing for them. It's just this little "secret" I have with all 3 of them. They tell me their fears but also what they've accomplished. I've learned more about each of them through these letters than in any conversation. I can't tell you how much I love getting their Christmas & birthday letters. Sometimes though they surprise ME! Once I received a cooking class gift certificate at Johnson & Wales from one of my kids as a gift tucked into his letter to me on my birthday.

Along those same lines, I also told each of them when they had their own families I expected them to spend Mother's Day with THEIR family & NOT come to visit me. I had my time. Now, it's THEIR turn. I think it helped by giving them permission from me for what I knew they all would want...to spend Mother's Day with their own family. They each call me around Mother's Day but not always on the day itself.

Gift giving/receiving can take so many different forms. It means something different to each of us. Problems come in when two people have different expectations. My deceased MIL was a tough one around gifts...I never was able to understand her expectations. As a result, I believe I failed to live up to her desires. I tried everything from handmade items to 18k gold...just couldn't get it right. I finally decided it wasn't my gift choices that were wrong. She just had some type of personal thing in her head around gifts that she didn't share so nobody could please her...maybe, that was the whole point. She wanted to believe we "couldn't get it right". Who knows???

I don't like gift cards although have been known to use them. On my grandson's 16th birthday I gave him a gift certificate for a year's gasoline. (It was an gasoline credit card I allowed him to use for a year.) He'd just gotten his driver's license & it seemed appropriate. Another time one of our kids was taking a get-away weekend to celebrate their wedding anniversary. I asked some innocent questions about their plans & then tracked down a nearby good restaurant, purchased a gift card, & made arrangements to have it placed on their pillow at the hotel. To this day they do not know how they ended up with that dinner. :)

Anyway, I love giving gifts. Trying to fit the gift to the event/person is fun for me. I would hate gift shopping if I felt it was an obligation or that I had to somehow keep each present similar to what I got others. Nobody knows what to expect from me, nor when. Sometimes, they might receive an inconsequential Christmas present & then unexpectedly get a mystery package in February. Other times, they might get an elaborate Christmas present & just a book of Dunkin' Donuts certificates for a birthday. They all know though that as the world goes around and time passes their number comes up. Because I try to put a lot of personal thought into each gift I just am not able (mentally or physically) to come up with something just right for everybody just because the calender says it's a certain date.

For those presents that are sorta obligatory like weddings of not too close friends, baby showers for the daughter of a second cousin...that kind of stuff...I stick to tradition. I've even given wedding present gift certificates...a gift certificate to a picture framing shop near where that person lived comes to mind. I didn't know the people at all...had never even met them. We used to receive lots of, IMO, inappropriate invitations to weddings of DH's staff's family members. Hard gifts. For a baby shower where the Mom to be isn't somebody I know well, I like to give a high quality blanket. Hard to go too far wrong, IMO. I usually buy white. I don't care if it gets dirty! I just make sure it's washable. lol

Oh, also once I give a gift I forget about it. I don't care if somebody gives it away. If I were to care one way or another it would, IMO only, no longer be a gift. Gifts are not supposed to have strings attached to them. My Mom told me that gifts with strings were not really gifts...they were salaries. If my DDIL would have chucked last year's Christmas present I would have thought, "Well Tricia, guess you got it wrong that she was stressed, needed some alone time, and something to pamper herself in the process of being alone would be good. Think harder next time her number comes up!" :)

This is a fun thread & in answer to the original question...it would not hurt my feelings if you returned a gift I'd given. I would probably feel badly that I'd failed to hit the right chord but that would be my fault...not yours. I never buy anything from a registry. I don't even look at registries.

/tricia

Tricia, thanks so much for sharing that!! Your letters sound absolutely fabulous.

It's nice to share the thoughts of someone who loves giving gifts as much as I do. Yours are very creative and inspiring!

This is exactly why I give food and gift cards if I possibly can, lol! I don't know the right answer. On the one hand, of course you don't mind someone exchanging a gift if it isn't right for them. But on the other hand, you're disappointed that you didn't manage to pick up something they would have liked. This is why I have a house full of carp I don't ever use, lol!

I always go to the registry for a wedding present. Not because I think it is a necessarily creative way to go (it isn't), but it is because I know they want the gift, won't get duplicates, and hopefully will not have to go to the trouble of returning it.
All that being said, our favorite wedding gift was a ski weekend at the Stratton Mountain Inn. It included everything.

Jo

I'm in the camp who hates gift shopping for occasions. Tricia remarked on sometimes not being up for the challenge just because the calendar says it's time to buy. That's why I love Thanksgiving so much more than Christmas.

I like gift cards and registries. It's one thing if you're buying for your nearest & dearest, but I find it hard to buy for the friends/relatives & their kids that I rarely see and hardly know. When it comes to the age group from 12-22, unless you have a child that age it's easy to give a gift that is "so last year." Like Jo said, with cards & registries you are certain the gift is wanted, and you save them the trouble of returns.

Before you judge me to be too Scrooge-ish, let me say that I buy gifts for my loved ones throughout the year. If I see something that just "says" my sister, mother, daughter, etc., and I can afford it, I love to pick it up to surprise them. Beyond the item itself, it's a reminder that they were on my mind and in my heart when I purchased it.

amck,

There is nothing in your post that suggests scrooge. Your last sentence says it all.

Just curiously, does anyone think there is a correlation between love of cooking and hatred of malls? I hate malls and know of lots of good cooks who feel the same.

Jo, now that's one interesting theory, although I'm not sure there's a correlation.

Funny, though, I'd spend all day at Penzey's and the Mediterranean Market, or scoping out the farm markets, with maybe a short side trip to the Marshall's kitchen area, but the mall or department stores just makes me cringe. I hate 'em.

I'd rather be cooking, that's for sure. And that's why it took me 10 weeks to replace my black heels that Cooper chewed up, I finally broke down and stopped at a shoe store last week because I'd been wearing my dress shoes with a 4 inch heel to work daily. It was still better than shopping...

Annie

I hate malls also, but when I go to Chicago I spend the entire day in Crate and Barrel and Sur la Table. I order clothes (seldom) online.
Sherry