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The Reader's Paradise 'Night Before Christmas'

16 years ago

OK Yvonne - this is for you.

This was put together a few years ago by members of RP. I've tidied it up a little for spelling and such-like. The original thread can be found here if you want to see who posted what and when.

A very Merry Christmas to you all, and I hope yours is better than this one!


And all through the house

Are half-eaten goodies....

I feel like a louse!

The black bags of rubbish are put out with care

In hopes that the dustbinman soon will be there.

(PS: for US readers substitute "garbageman" for "dustbinman"; for PC US readers substitute "environmental recycling operative")

But long before then the cats and the foxes

Have scattered the bottles, tins, paper and boxes

And all the street knows of your horrible vices

The beer, and the wine, the chocs and mince piecis.

And still under the tree

from both Santa and me

are mounds of toys

for my girl and my boy.

While I in my kerchief and he in his cap

Would love to settle down for a long winter's nap,

But the neighbors have put their decorations away

And I don't think Santa will be back with his sleigh.

So up to the housetop my dear one has gone

While I'm in the living room having a moan

As I undo the tree, the mantel, the tables;

Must *not* stop to read all the Santa Claus fables.

Then from the teen's bedroom there came such a noice

Of a thumping of bass and a wailing of voice;

I ran to the foot of the stairs with a frown

And shouted in rage, "Turn that bl**dy thing down!"

"No," screamed my teen, and my face turned red.

I stormed up the stairs to knock sense in his head.

But before I reached the top of the flight,

I heard a crashing sound in the night.

Old St. Nick on the roof top, I wondered,

No, t'was a burglar. We were getting plundered.

As I drew in my head

At the sound of the crash

My head hit the window

In a bone-splitting "SMASH!"

Twasn't a burglar

As I had suspected

Just our least favorite son

Who was feeling rejected.

Where is your spirit of Christmas?!

I heard myself bellow...

We've been waiting for you for a week

You ungrateful fellow!!!

Behold! At the sight of him, I stared and I shook!

He was clean, shaved and pressed!

A right spiffy look!

I couldn't believe how well he was dressed!

Hi Mom! He greeted me,

And grinned ear to ear.

His look had defeated me

Then he told me with cheer...

MY drug test was clear and my parole officer loves me,

My grades are all stunning and and Dad doesn't bug me.

I knew in a moment this must be a trick.

this kid's been a problem since late '96.

More rapid than relatives

Returning my gifts,

He insisted he'd changed

And would heal family rifts!

But I had decided to paint the town pink

And dressed in my diamonds, my thong, and my mink...

The town's hottest night-spot refused me admission

So I sat at the roadside and wrote a petition . .

Be careful with asking, my inner voice said;

(Believe me, I'm wishing they...

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