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triciae_gw

Grandkid Advice, Please

triciae
13 years ago

My DS & DDIL moved to ME 3 days after Christmas '08 taking my 3 grands with them. :(

Anyway, in an effort to stay relevant in their lives I had an idea for my granddaughter. She had just turned 8 when they moved. I started sending her a card every couple weeks. I knew she was reading & writing very well; so I was hoping she would write back to me. Anyway, in my short, block letter written notes to her I always give some little tidbit of info about me as a kid her age...something she could relate to & learn a bit about Grandma & ask her questions hoping she'd write back with answers. Every time a gift giving opportunity arose like BD's, Christmas, Easter, etc. I chose her gifts very carefully & wrote her letters explaining my choice & again trying to reenforce little pieces of stuff so she'd know something about her grandmother. Example, last Christmas I chose a sterling necklace with little jingle bells inside & wrote a note telling her when she heard the jingle bells she would know I was thinking about her & love her. Then, told her about a very special necklace my sister had given me when I was her age (she's now 9) & what it meant in my life. The whole thing has been going incredibly well. I hear from DS & DDIL that even in this age of electronics DGD loves to receive snail mail & watches the box daily for my cards. She writes back immediately always sending me something she's made. She's started designing fashion & last week I received a darling card she'd made with a fancy evening gown on the front. She's answering my questions & starting to ask her own questions of me. So, a delightful success! I've got a penpal relationship going with DGD.

Now, for my question...

This afternoon I received the second of two strange phone calls from DGD's brother (he's 7). He also called a couple weeks ago. He's never phoned before on his own so this is something new. DS & DDIL didn't know he called the first time & I'm pretty sure they don't know he called today because DGS said they were watching the Celtic's game in another room.

Soooo, I'm quessing he's jealous of my penpal thing with his sister & reaching out for individual attention. Does that sound right? I whipped him out a card immediately after our phone call telling him how special his calls are & that he was sounding very grown-up. I asked him some simple questions about his plans for summer vacation. This call had nothing to do with Mother's Day because my DS called yesterday for the holiday & I spoke with all 3 kids. This was something different.

DGS does not enjoy writing like his older sister so I'm not thinking a penpal thing will be too successful long term. It's difficult for me to speak with him for more than a couple minutes on the phone because of my Sjogren's disease. My mouth gets so dry I can't ennunciate & sound like I've got my mouth full of mush. I no longer have long conversations with anybody...I speak in quick, short sentences. It works for DH & me but not good for talking with a little boy wanting something from Grammy. :(

I'm looking for ideas about how I can develop a special relationship with DGS. Something that makes him feel special & important. Something that shows that I care about him as a person...what he likes, what he doesn't like and even more important...why.

DGD is the artist of this set of g-kids. Since I'm also an artist I can relate to her very well in that aspect. DGS is the g-kid that loves music. Well, music, of course, is my first love. I'd really like to connect to him at that level but don't know how. I've offered to pay for piano lessons for 15 years so they'd know he could continue if it went well & DGS enjoyed playing. Plus, they have a baby grand in the home. My DDIL has a music degree. So far, they've not gotten him lessons. :(

What to do? The little guy is reaching out to Grammy. I want to be there for him...always. I want him to know he's loved & that we are a part of each other. When he's 35 & I'm gone...I don't want him saying to his wife, "Gosh, I don't really know anything about my grandmother. She wasn't around & I didn't talk to her much." :(

OK folks, please get creative...I need ideas for a 7 year old boy!

/tricia

Comments (46)

  • jojoco
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Everytime you send a card or gift to your penpal, send the same to the other two. Of course they are jealous--who woulldn't be? So what if it isn't a two way street right now, he is only 7. Get down to his level and in a few years he will be able to contribute more. From an outside perspective, it seems very obvious that you are unknowingly favoring one gkid over another. I know that isn't what you were trying to do. Not only will the other two resent this, but there is a chance one of the parents may feel resentful as well. I would be angry if my mil, whom I love dearly, had such a unequal relationship with the grands.
    Now, on a positive note, I think it is great that you and your gd are so close and I applaud that you want to create something with number 2. Now just don't forget #3.

    Jo

  • hawk307
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Tricia:
    Just ask him and you will get the answers you are looking for.
    You could tell him "I didn't think big guys would like to have Pen Pals but now that I know "
    " I would like it very much "

    My Daughters are 54 and 52 yrs. The younger one still talks about all the Photo's,( joking)
    that were taken of the older one.
    Really ( she had the same amount)

    It is a laughing subject now.

    At that age ( 7 & 8 ) your GS will be pretty honest.

    Just ask him Questions and you will get the right answers.
    Lou

    PS:
    Someone once said " seek and you shall find,
    Ask and it will be given unto you "

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  • lindac
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Does he have an iPod? If not buy him one....doesn't have to be a mega gig thing....just something that is his to play music...
    Then you can record either your self playing something, or your choice of music that appeals to you...with a note...voice note.
    This may involve some added equipment on your part....but for a grand son...it's worth it.
    Or you could exchange music files on the computer...send him what trips your trigger and he sends back something of his choosing....
    My grandson and I do that....but he's 24!!!! He sends me files that he either finds on the net or that he records himself...he's in the business of music....and is exposed to all sorts of stuff in new Orleans. I love seeing what he finds!

  • natesgram
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think it's terrific that you want to be close and remembered by your grands, I do too. I don't want to burst your joy but is it possible that he didn't actually dial your number, that he might have pushed redial (you said DS called you yesterday)? I know you said this has happened twice and the parents don't know. I would inform them, and make sure his calling is ok. I imagine it would be. Then see if either of the parents can give some ideas of some of their special interests. I think writing to each of them seperatly is important for them, and for you too. I am trying so hard to make lasting impressions on my little ones and I wish I'd had a grandmother like you.

  • natesgram
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Just another thought...you might also write your grandson and tell him not only about your life but also his grandfather or his great-grandfather. Short paragraphs at this age, he's probably more excited just to get mail. One of my grands is only 30 minutes away, I see him often and talk on the phone but he's most excited when he gets a letter. He's 5.

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks for the suggestions. There are some good ones that I'm going to try.

    Jo, I don't really believe I've shown a preferential treatment. I've never been one of those parents or grandparents that believe "equal" means treating each child exactly the same. For instance, many times I would do something special for one child & not the others at that particular moment. But, their turn would come at some other point. For instance this particular DGS earned a special honor in school a few months back & I sent him a card with one of those gold Susan B. Anthony dollars. I didn't send cards to the other two kids. It wasn't their turn to be recognized. I send coloring books to the little one DGS #2...he's 4. He doesn't care what he receives & DS & DDIL tell me he doesn't "get" the idea of snail mail yet. He isn't relating to where the coloring books come from. By next year, he'll understand.

    Lou, excellent post. Thank you. Many times, the obvious is easy for me to overlook. On the phone yesterday he mentioned that there was a hummingbird by the window near where he was sitting & he was excited. He said, "I'd like to take a picture!"

    Linda, your iPod suggestion is a great one & my first thought was, "Yes! I'll do that this week!" But then I was reminded of the hummingbird comment I noted above & thought, "Tricia, YOU want to interest him in music more & he seems to really enjoy music. BUT, he's just told you that he'd like to take pictures. Get him a kid's camera & exchange pictures with him via email!" At first, I can send him bird pixs. Living in different areas he has birds I don't & we've got birds here he won't see at home. I can also send him an Audubon Bird Watchers Guide for his area. That sounds like a pretty good idea, huh?? It might even keep him interested enough he'll become a 'tree hugger' like his Grandma! lol I can tie nature pictures into telling him how much his Grammy enjoys gardening so he'll know that about me & how I came to enjoy it so much. Different from DGD, but equal.

    natesgram, it's really difficult when the g-kids are not close by. The good thing is it makes me put some thought into how I'm going to develop a relationship. It's possible he did just hit redial! He's young & I did wonder about his having the wherewithall to get our number & call. This is the g-kid that had the behavorial issues when he was a toddler & pre-schooler. Whew, he was a difficult one! Thankfully, he's outgrown the tantrums & out of control behavior but he's still a bit developmentally lagging. He's teacher says he's working right at grade level...neither above nor below. For a kid that was asked to leave pre-school for behavorial issues...he's made great progress! He also had a speech impairment that's worked itself out. I can understand him on the phone now. Even six months ago that wasn't the case.

    I think DGS is looking for a relationship with me that he can call his own...not the same as his sister but equal.

    DGS is also very sensitive. The simple truth is that I gave my family a scare this past year (probably still am scaring them). DS & DDIL have both been in tears worrying about my health & there's been many phone conversations between them & DH over my progress or lack thereof. When they've come to visit I've been stuck in bed probably looking scarey to a 7 year old. Hmmmm, I need to lightly, very lightly broach that topic with him. Let him know that, yes, I am ill but that I'm still here today & none of us know when that might change...need to do that in person...not over the phone. I lost a grandmother when I was 5 and it was a frightening experience for me. My Momma was crying & I didn't understand. I remember being at the funeral, holding Momma's hand as we walked up to the coffin. But, I was too short to see inside (could only see the supports of the stand). She was crying & that really scared me. So, I need to be sensitive to the fact that I've scared everybody! Geesh, life is complicated.

    Any other suggestions for a 7 year old boy?

    /tricia

  • jojoco
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Postcards! Send them from anywhere and everywhere. He will love getting them.

    Jo

  • lowspark
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I really like the idea of the camera. I'm thinking that the snail mail thing with your GD is causing some envy on the part of GS. She's eagerly anticipating the mail, she gets a physical piece of paper every couple of weeks... and he gets nothing.

    So... what if you started up a picture correspondence with GS? I mean, every two weeks, you send him a photo via snail mail, and prompt him to send you one in return. You could do different themes. Birds for a while. Then maybe leaves, then musical instruments, then shadows, then whatever. Inspire creativity through photography by getting him to see things through the lens that he doesn't see normally.

    Yes, he's only seven, so you can't expect too much. But what a fun project this might make. It's something that can be kept in a scrapbook. And even at age seven, with a digital camera, computer and printer, something that he could almost do on his own with little adult intervention.

    As he ages, the correspondence probably will bloom into more writing and more creative projects, especially if you lead the way.

    Emails and other electronic correspondence are great because they are so easy and instant. But the paper is something they can keep for a long time so that when they ARE 35, they can say, oh yeah, here are all the letters/pictures I shared with my grandmother.

  • lpinkmountain
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'd write him, even if he doesn't seem to be in to reading and writing back himself. I used to LOVE to get letters from my grandma, even if I didn't always write her back. The great thing about a letter is it can be saved and read over and over again. Exhanging pictures also might be a fun way to spice up the letters, if the kid isn't real text oriented. He also might like an occasional card, somthing colorful and simple--Grandma's thinking of you and misses you kind of thing. I don't think you have to worry about it too much, in the long run what he will remember is that you did something, that you shared your life with him, not that it was the perfect gift or not. And whether it was redial or not, I would treasure a call from a grandson, even if it was an accidental call--carpe diem! Also, some kids just aren't verbal, but that doesn't mean they don't pick up and take in what they hear. He may be somewhat introverted. I once taught a summer kids nature class where this one kid was squirrely as all get out and never seemed to be paying one bit of attention to anything that was going on and didn't hardly participate in anything. Then we had a parents open house in the evening and the kids went around showing their parents what we did, etc., and the kid went on and on and rattled off almost verbatim everything he had learned and what we did. I mean he even mentioned and identified all the edible wild plants I had shown the kids in just an offhand moment. I realized that he was lacking in social skills but not sensitivity or intellect. That taught me to never underestimate feigned disinterest--people have all kinds of demeanors on the surface but one never knows what's going on underneath. I think almost any kid would appreciated a note from grandma no matter what the content--just the attention would be appreciated at that age.

  • jessyf
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    (just curious if this is the same GS who dropped the anchor in the harbor - how the years change a kid!)

    Does he read/write well enough to do Instant Messaging?

  • annie1992
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree, send him something. I like the idea of exchanging pictures, some could be old family pictures that are copied or scanned and printed, some new pictures of you or DH or the boat or a bird on the dock, whatever.

    I see The Monkey Princess and Bruvver a couple of times a week, at least, but I still periodically send them stickers or a coloring book or just a picture. They make me cards in return and I pick them up when I go to their house, but Bruvver is 4 and The Princess is 6 and they both just love to get mail. Bruvver definitely understands that you can buy a stamp to pay the mailman to take a package or letter to someone else, or that I pay the Post Office to bring things to him, just like Dad pays to have truck parts delivered.

    I've also gotten on line and signed them up for free samples of granola bars and cereal and M&Ms and they love getting those too, but I always send things to both of them.

    Annie

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    YES, Jessy! One and the same!!! Thanks for reminding me! lol

    Nope, he's at first grade level with reading/writing & it's not his favorite activity. He's one of those kids constantly in motion like the Energizer bunny. :)

    /tricia

  • ann_t
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I remember the problem on the boat. That was a couple of years ago wasn't it?

    My advice is to always send something to both children at the same time. Doesn't have to be the same thing, but to send one something and not the other is just wrong. Makes me sad to think that this has been going on for some time. At least now you know that your grandson probably has felt left out.

    I can't imagine my beloved grandmother having ever giving one grandchild something and not the other grandchildren in the same house something at the same time. Unless of course it was a birthday present.

    Ann

  • teresa_nc7
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You gotten some great ideas here! I think any child, especially boys, enjoy a joke or cartoon in a card. Another thing to keep in mind, as they get a little older and begin to have sleep over parties, it would be very special for you to have each child separately stay with you for a week or long weekend in the summer. I spent a week with my grandparents each summer for many years. One year I even rode the bus by myself 4 hours to the mountains where they lived. It was extra special to have my grandparents all to myself for the entire time.

    Teresa

  • spacific
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Just thought I'd mention that my son (now 9) has similar interests to your DGS. My MIL used to write letters/emails to him, expecting him to write back (hoping that he'd take the effort, even though he really doesn't like to write). He never did. She stopped writing. But he loves music and plays piano. He records his songs and emails them to her now and she sends him emails back, sometimes with music that she likes. Works much better.

    I agree with you completely about not doing the same exact thing for each kid. The important thing is to find something that connects you one-on-one with them. And I applaud how you're taking the time to figure out what will work just for him!

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    More good stuff, thanks. Some I agree with & some I don't. :) But, that's what we're about here...everybody's thoughts are welcome.

    Annie, that is a terrific idea about having the samples sent to the kids! The 4 year old will think that's quite cool. Thanks. Scanning old family photos is also a great idea. We have a "Wall of Shame" in our home with 8 generations of family photos that I worked decades to amass. DGS always stands & looks at the photos when they're in Mystic. We go over who everybody is & how they connect to him. I can easily incorporate those into photo sharing with DGS. Good stuff.

    Ann, I hear & understand & respect you're position; but I disagree. I feel strongly enough about it that I'd dig my heels into the issue. Equal does not mean "same as". It doesn't matter if I'm talking about men/women or grandkids. They are unique individuals & my relationship with each is unique. What's important is that I balance my relationships & personalize the relationship to each child. In the real world, the concept of everybody getting something at the same time doesn't fly. I wouldn't be teaching them a good life lesson. First & foremost my role as parent & grandparent is as a teacher, IMO. We all have to learn to wait our turn. My sister has 22 grandchildren. There's no way she communicates with all of them at the same time but she treats them all "equally". I'm not going to deal with sibling rivalry at the expense of reducing the specialness for DGD of her relationship with me. I've got plenty of room for all of them.

    That's why I'm asking for suggestions here. I want to develop a unique relationship with DGS #1 that's special between the two of us...with a "No Compete" clause! :)

    Teresa, you are so right about visiting individually. We're hoping for that. Right now though DH still has his hands full taking care of me & the house. He's new at running a house & being a nurse...so he's slower & gets rattled when there's too much on his plate. For this summer, he says he's not ready to take on the responsibility. I'm not in a position to argue. Remember, I still can't wash my own hair nor eat a meal at the table. I'm very high maintenance since last July.

    I loved the idea of connecting with him on birds & nature. It just feels very comfortable. So, I ordered a children's Eastern Bird Watcher's Field Guide giftwrapped with a note, "Can you find your hummingbird in this book? Love, Grammy". I had it shipped directly to DGS.

    Then, I called DDIL & got DS on the phone instead. He was working from home today. He did know that DGS phoned yesterday & said DGS loved he was being allowed to call on his own. Good stuff. I wanted to let DS/DDIL know to watch for the package & the card I wrote yesterday. DS told me DGS loves birds & walks the trail around their 26 acre property with the dog armed with a walkie-talkie to stay connected to home. He tells them on the walkie-talkie every critter he locates. DS said the book was perfect. More good stuff.

    I'm not at all concerned about the other 2 not getting a package this time. They've just not been raised to expect that. DGS #2's birthday was April 1 so he's recently been overloaded with gifts. Last week, I wrote to DGD.

    Yesterday, I spoke with my 19 year old DGS about his decision to join the military. I'm trying hard to accept his decision...it's hard. I feel like one of the Mom's on those TV commercials! Don't disagree with his choice...just worry about his safety & am asking him some pretty tough questions for a kid to be thinking about. It's looking like he'll enlist this summer. I'm sure he'll serve in such a way to make his country proud of it's youth.

    Two more grandkids due this fall. One's a girl & we won't know on the other until mid-June. One in Houston & the other in Austin. We're going to have to figure out a way to become a part of their lives across those miles...makes Maine seem close-by. Loving & teaching little people is hard work. Choices we make have such lasting impact. When I was raising our kids being their friend wasn't even on my radar. I had no clue what being a good parent meant. My own childhood experiences were a tad weak on that front. It seemed like there was so much to teach them & so little time. I'm very lucky. Somehow, we ended up friends with all 3 of the little rugrats & their spouses...well, except one DSIL. After 3 years, he still calls me "Ma'am"! He's scared to death of my no-nonsense, pragmatic, take-no-prisoners approach to life. He's yet to learn that I'm actually a very compassionate person. :)

    Thanks folks. I'm feeling tonight like I've got a pathway to DGS #1. Now, I've just got to keep widening the road & keeping it maintained. I'm going to be much more able to connect to him as an individual person going forward. Once he's comfortable that I'm genuine & trustworthy we can explore life together. This little boy has given me trials ever since he was born including hitting that windlass button! It's cool he's gotten old enough to want a personal relationship.

    /tricia

  • fearlessem
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Just chiming in to say I love this thread, and I particularly love the idea of a picture exchange! Let us know how things progress!

    Emily

  • jessyf
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm just going to wait for the four year old to squawk 'me too' LOL - better get ready

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Jessy, rofl...

    Yes, little Sam will keep me thinking & on my toes one day. He's our miniature thinker & engineer...the child you have to watch every second or you'll find the toaster dismantled right after you've finished rebuilding the vac he took apart! :)

    Like Lpink's student, he's not very verbal but never misses a beat on what's happening around him. He's not one to instigate a fight but, somehow, he's ALWAYS close by when the fight breaks out! lol

    I look forward to seeing how Sam sees the world when he's better able to communicate what's whirling around in his head. Well, maybe I look forward to it?! lol

    /tricia

  • dlynn2
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My mother has never sent something to one of my children without sending something to the other one. She doesn't always send the exact same thing, but they both get something. My MIL, has left one out before, and they notice and remember it with hurt feelings.

    I agree with maybe sending the descriptive letters to DGD, and just a short postcard to DGS. Or, how about starting a baseball card collection or stamp collection for him? Maybe since you were in banking you could keep an eye out for some "rare" pennies. Then, when you send DGD a letter, you could just drop a penny in an envelope for him with a note about what makes it special. Encourage him to keep them with the letters from you. They could even just be pennies from years that were special in your life. That way they are both receiving something in the mail.

    I don't buy the bit about him not understanding the "snail mail" yet. At that age they understand it, and would enjoy going to school to tell their friends what they got in the mail. My kids love to get mail and always have. Even junk mail (catalogs) with their names on them used to thrill them.

    Also, what he is understanding is that his grandma only cares enough to send something to his sister. That is the way my kids would see it at that age, even though that is not how you are intending it.

  • lowspark
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree 100% that equal does not mean "the same". I raised my kids that way. I love them both equally but wouldn't dream of treating them the same way. Wouldn't work!

    In fact, my older son used to complain about that very thing regarding his younger brother. "How come he got... whatever and I didn't?" Or some such.

    My repeated reply was that each got according to their needs and personality. I always ended the explanation with, "Do you want me to treat you the same way I do him? If so, I will." Thinking of it in that light, the answer was always, No. Even at a young age, he recognized that the differences in their personalities required different reactions from Mom.

    However, here's the problem with that. I was Mom. I was around all the time. I was raising them. They knew that I loved them and that they had a great deal of my attention on an continual basis. So, when I did different things for each, it was reconcilable. They understood that it was all going to equal out.

    You, on the other hand, are neither their parent, nor are you around a lot. You're a distance away, AND you're grandma, someone with whom, at this young age and distance, they don't really completely understand their relationship. So, they have to take their cues from you.

    If you send something to one every two weeks, and only send the other one something every few months, well, it communicates a bias. OK, so you're trying to remedy that by figuring out what will work for the second one. You don't want to do the same exact thing because it wouldn't suit him as well as it suits the older girl. That's good thinking. But keep in mind that it's not so much the cost or value of something, because at this age, that's almost meaningless. Way more important is the frequency IMO.

    Just be careful that whatever you do end up doing, it really hits home that it IS equal in the eyes of your GS. Since he doesn't see you on a daily basis, especially at his young age, it's not going to be intuitive that you love them both the same until he sees it in retrospect. While it's occurring, sis is still getting the thrill of receiving snail mail regularly and he is not.

    Like you said, he's not been raised to expect to receive everything his siblings do. The trouble is that he can still observe the regularity of your correspondence with his older sister and see that that regularity doesn't exist between you and him. It's not necessarily that he needs to receive the same thing, or even a similar thing. But he does need to have some kind of regular communication with you that he interprets as your love and attention equal to the love and attention you give to his sister, no matter what form that communication takes.

    Anyway, that's my take on it. A 7yo sees the world much differently than adults do. It's important to take that perspective into account when trying to help them make sense of how things work.

  • ann_t
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well put Dlynn.

    Even though it wasn't your intention I think that the life lesson you have taught your little grandson is that is sister is more important to you than he is. How simple it would have been to send a little note to him each time you wrote to your DGD. His dad or mom or even his sister could read it to him and he would then know that he was also special to you.

    I'm glad that he has reached out to you while he is still young and you have to a chance to have a close relationship with him as well as his sister.

    Ann

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    dlynn,

    "My MIL, has left one out before, and they notice and remember it with hurt feelings."

    Well, my grandkids will have to get over any of those type feelings (if they exist) because that's just how the world goes around.

    I simply don't do "assembly-line" relationships. Ultimately, they are meaningless & I think kids know that. And I, for certain, do not want to teach them that's how they should handle relationships. I want to teach them that friendships/relationships develop over time & require effort & genuine caring. Obviously, as teacher, I have to lead the way. How I teach him about relationships today will have impact on how he'll handle friendships & co-workers as an adult even how he'll choose & interact with a girlfriend/spouse. I want to teach him that he can, and should, work to develop relationships individually. Sending everybody in the classroom a Valentine just doesn't work. My DGS needs to think about what relationship he wants with me as much as I need to think about him. We may bump along for awhile but if I listen to him we'll work it out so that he can enjoy the relationship but still learn something useful for when he finds himself on his own without parents or grandparents to lead the way. One never really grows up until there's nobody to call when something goes wrong...that's often when we've lost the person who provided our childhood guidance.

    If I sent cards to all 3 of these kids simultaneously they wouldn't mean much to any of them individually. I'd bet money they would look & just toss them aside because they would sense there was no personal association...it was just Grammy sending cards again.

    If we were on a trip & I sent postcards of course I'd send a card to all kids (probably jointly). That's not the type stuff I'm talking about. I'm in the early stages of developing a real person-to-person relationship with Ethan. He's indicated he's outgrown the grammy-baby stage & now wants something more grown-up, like his sister who is older.

    Remember, it's not like he's not been receiving anything from me. He has. Regularily. But not like the personalized relationship I've developed over the past 18 months with his older sister. His private phone calls say that he's not so much interested in my sending cards with a penny inside. He's looking to connect in a more meaningful (to him) way. So, I'm trying to take his cue & seek out what that more 'meaningful' relationship might be.

    "Even though it wasn't your intention I think that the life lesson you have taught your little grandson is that is sister is more important to you than he is."

    That is patently absurd & false.

    I believe he's asking for & seeking a more grown-up relationship. He probably has witnessed DGD's relationship with me & realized that there's more available than the cards or coloring books he's been receiving. That's a result of his reaching an age where his perceptions are broadening & he's realizing that people are more than care providers and/or gift bearing taller people. He's in school now & also developing more older-child relationships with classmates. He's no longer a preschooler where he played alongside classmates. Now, he interacts & they play together. He's maturing & my relationship with him needs to do the same. He's asking that of me. I don't believe he's calling because he wants more casual cards or coloring books. He's saying, "Grammy, I'm a big boy now & I want to talk to you like a big boy!"

    It's my responsibility to figure out exactly what that means because I also don't believe he's old enough to have formulated exactly what he wants. He just knows that now is the time for something more & I'm either going to be there for him & figure it out...or, I'm not. Kids don't see a lot of color shading. They're very much black/white at this age. It's pass/fail time for me as his Grammy. If I continue to treat him like his younger brother, Sam, I fail. But, if I just treat him like his older sister rather than the individual he is...I also fail. There are no 3 strikes with a kid. One strike and you're out! They are very good judges of people.

    If you ever wonder about a person...ask your kid. They're probably right. As Lou pointed out...they are brutally honest & forthright. They will not try to spare your feelings. As adults, one of our jobs is to ask the right questions. Hopefully, I've talked myself through here & opened communication that he'll enjoy, satisfies his need to feel grown-up, & provides me enjoyment & a teaching opportunity. Can't teach him a thing unless he values my opinion & just cause I'm Grammy doesn't automatically grant me that position. I'm going to have to earn his respect.

    /tricia

  • jojoco
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My son sends valentines to every kid in the class. We also, up to a certain age, invited all the boys in his class to birthday parties. Life IS unfair, why do they have to learn it at such a young age? I'd rather pad their little egos so that they have the confidence to step into such a skewed world. A hockey parent I know doesn't believe that 8 year olds should have equal playing time. His agrument is like yours, tricia, that life is unfair and might as well prepare for that reality.
    I guess I just don't see grandparents as teachers. Leave that to the real world. In my opinion, a grandparents role is to love them all to pieces, equally and unconditionally. My parents are wonderful gparents. As my kids have gotten older, my parents do things with them individually. But I am talking about teens who are capable of understanding about time and know that their special events with their gparents are equal, just not similtaneous. I don't think too many small children are capapble of that understanding.
    Jo

  • sheesh
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    As the granddaughter who watched what her brother got from grandma, I can assure you that your grandson feels left out. I never in a million years would have told my mother or grandmother that I wished I got what my brother got, but I did. It wasn't "things" she gave him, but something else. She once told me that she and my brother "had an understanding" that she and I did not have. What? I would have given anything to have that "understanding." As patently absurd and false as YOU think it is "I think that the life lesson you have taught your little grandson is that is sister is more important to you than he is" , that is exactly how I felt about my brother.

    You can be sure that I do not and will never have any "understandings" with my grandchildren. They can learn how unfair life is from someone else, but certainly not me. In a way, you seem to be justifying your preference for your granddaughter with all your rationalizing about teaching them things. It isn't that hard to include him, but I guess if it's false, it's meaningless.

  • lorijean44
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Triciae, I have to agree with your detractors. As one of several kids, if my grandparents had sent just one of us something at any time, it would have hurt mine or my siblings' feelings. Fortunately for my family, my grandparents were more about making us all feel equally loved and less about digging in their heels.

    Lori

  • jessyf
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The thing I'm concerned about is what the kids parents want. I see what a big heart you have but it is not a grandparents job to teach these lessons unless the parents want you to. I would ask the parents. If any of my parents/in-laws did this I would be all over them - and I wouldn't dare take on as my responsibility to teach my grandkids anything without asking for their input each step of the way.

    Run this thread by them and see what they say. It's their job to lay out to you what kind of a relationship they want their kids to have with you, not yours.

  • sheesh
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hmmm, jessy, I've reread what tricia wrote, and what I wrote; I don't think it's up to the parents to define these relationships. Tricia, I think you are over-thinking your relationship with your grandchildren. It's not a job, it's a relationship. All relationships are different from each other by their very nature. You have to let go of the banker in you and stop analyzing the relationships. Now that I'm an adult, I guess it may be normal to have a special relationship with only one of your gkids. I realize you're trying not to exclude one, but maybe if you can relax and enjoy each kid individually, the paths to easy, loving relationships with each of them will be easier to find.

    Sherry

  • dlynn2
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    And how will he (or his younger sibling) remember his grandmother if, perhaps, you do not live long enough to form a relationship that in his mind is as equal and caring as the one his older sister has? One of my grandmother's died when I was a very young age. If she had been waiting for me to be old enough to form a special and meaningful relationship with her like she had with the older grandchildren, I would only have memories of her not caring as much for me as she did for the others. Thankfully, she never showed any favoritism and treated us all with the same attention.

    "His private phone calls say that he's not so much interested in my sending cards with a penny inside. He's looking to connect in a more meaningful (to him) way. So, I'm trying to take his cue & seek out what that more 'meaningful' relationship might be." Tricia, what I meant by the penny was that you could help him to get interested in coin collecting, since it kind of relates to the banking industry which in later years would always remind him of his grandparents. You could start by sending him letters describing what to look for on coins so that he could start checking coins himself. Then, you could find a few pennies that are old, rare, and/or valuable and send them to him. You could also send along some from years of your birth, anniversary, his birth, parents birth, etc. Those would all be things that you could write a little about that would also connect with some of your geneology --- another interest of yours that should be shared with ALL of your grandchildren. Heck, my kids' grandma started a quarter collection for my kids --- but she is doing it for all 7 of her grandkids! She's collecting each of the state quarters from both mints. She only gives them out when when has 7 of a kind.

  • lowspark
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I wasn't going to say anymore here but I just can't resist. I went back and reread your first post and here's what really stood out:

    I'm quessing he's jealous of my penpal thing with his sister & reaching out for individual attention.

    Yup. Even you are seeing that. He is specifically jealous of the penpal thing.

    I send coloring books to the little one DGS #2...he's 4. He doesn't care what he receives

    Right. It's not about WHAT he receives, it's about the fact that Grandma is thinking about him. Ok, at 4 he might not relate it specifically to the receipt of mail. But surely the seven year old is acutely aware of mail coming every two weeks to his sister and apparently, to him, ONLY when he earned a special honor in school .

    Again, this goes not to WHAT he receieves, but how often he receives something, anything.

    Here's the other thing that I noticed:

    I've offered to pay for piano lessons
    and
    I ordered a children's Eastern Bird Watcher's Field Guide giftwrapped with a note, "Can you find your hummingbird in this book? Love, Grammy". I had it shipped directly to DGS.

    It strikes me that there is a marked difference between how you're connecting with the girl vs the boy. The girl gets personalized handwritten letters every two weeks. The boy gets what might be interpreted as (and I know this sounds harsh but I don't mean it to) impersonal items. A book that is shipped directly to him from Amazon (or wherever) with a preprinted message from Grandma is just not the same.

    I, too, wonder what the parents' opinion on this is. Have you asked them how GS reacts when GD receives your letters?

    DGS does not enjoy writing like his older sister so I'm not thinking a penpal thing will be too successful long term.

    My question: How do you know unless you try?

    I may be way off base with this, but I just can't help but wonder if you don't want to start up a regular correspondence with GS specifically because you already have one with GD. You see it as too much the same thing and you're specifically trying to avoid the "same".

    I still suggest that starting up some kind of regular correspondence is the answer. Different than the correspondence with GD (thus the suggestion to exchange photos instead of words) but JUST as frequent.

    I agree with the idea that when one has a birthday or a special accomplishment, that one should be recognized individually and the others should understand that it's not their turn. But in the case of the every-two-weeks letter from Grandma, how do you reconcile "recognizing" the one and not the other? No bday or special occasion there, just a regular correspondence "just because". And that's the part that is making GS jealous. And I can completely sympathize.

  • jessyf
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Shermann: I tried to make it clear that I was discussing the role of a grandparent 'teaching'. Tricia uses that word and context extensively, not me. I am not addressing the relationship in general since others are chiming in. HTH.

    (But that could be the subject - as well as extended family 'disciplining' kids - of a really long new thread, LOL!)

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Well, again, I just don't see it the same way.

    Nobody has been slighted. Different? Yes. Less? No.

    DGS has already told me, in his way, that he does not want a penpal/mail type of thing, hence, he called. He could just have easily made a computer card like his sister & sent it to me. He didn't.

    Gosh, I'm sorry about having amazon send his book! He got it a week sooner (will be delivered today according to the tracking information) & he will not know nor care that I didn't wrap it. For goodness sake, he's 7! My thought was to get it there quick enough for him to make a connection between remembering he told me about the hummingbird & I responded to his excitement...quickly!

    As for how I "teach"...here's a copy of the email I received from DDIL:

    "Ha HA that is sooo cute! Thank-you for the Mother's day wishes! Happy Mother's day to you too Tricia....thank you for raising a wonderful husband for me and an amazing father etc.....well done Mom! Have a great week, we miss you both terribly and need to line up our calendars to come for a visit. Thanks again for the fun card,
    Love and hugs,
    Brenna"

    Many of you here have huggy/snuggly type relationships with your grandkids. I commend that & sometimes am envious. I'm not that type of person. Period. Not going to change. In my dreams, I am that type of person. But, as soon as my eyes open I'm still the the product of my own life. It was not huggy/snuggly. It was brutal. Physically & emotionally. I have not one SINGLE memory of EVER being hugged or kissed as a child by my parents. If they would have tried...I would have fainted from the shock. The only family member that EVER kissed or hugged me was my perverted, child molester of a BIL. (RIP BIL. He reached out to me at the time of my sister's death that was tremendously helpful to me. That took real courage on his part. I consider it his way of making amends & I accepted his outreached hand...or voice in this case. He died 2 years later.) Nevertheless, the scarring remains imprinted throughout the very fibers of my being & try as I may...it's not going to go away. My Momma was the only quasi-safe spot in my life. On Sept. 5, 1970 I married. On Sept. 21, 1970 she was killed & there was nobody. I cried at Mom's wake. My new husband told me, "Shut up! Get tough. You're drawing attention." So, I did & didn't cry again for losing Mom until I met my current DH a long time later. In December 1970, my BIL, in a room at the Beverly Hills Wilshire as I waited alone for my sister to return, my BIL came barging into the room, grabbed me, & it was the last time he ever tried to rape me. I was 20 years old. I fled the Beverly Wilshire, drove home to OC...scared & knowing my new husband was worthless in such a situation I made a big mistake. I phoned my father in tears. I pleaded with him to just listen to me but PLEASE PLEASE do not call my sister until we'd had time to settle down. He betrayed me. He phoned my sister immediately after we hung up. The call I received 20 minutes later alienated me from my oldest sister for the next 3 decades. She accused me of "tempting" her husband. The man had been molesting me since I was 6 years old. She KNEW it. He had also been accused of raping her daughter's 16 year old friend. She knew he'd had serial affairs. He beat her senseless. She was the classic abused wife. She wasn't able to face her world crashing & so she blamed me. (sigh)

    By the time my DS was five, I'd been dianosed with cancer & given a 50/50 chance to live until Christmas (it was late February). I'd ditched the useless husband & there was nobody to call.

    Nope, the counseling probably kept me from self-destructing but it didn't erase the memories/scars. I have battled the physical leftovers of BIL's beatings my entire life & it's finally getting the better of me. My spine is trashed from his beatings & is only going to get worse. I will never walk around my garden unassisted again. (I've got an honest doctor.) Some nights, I even lay awake wondering if my auto-immune diseases are the result of living at my sister & BIL's place (the national Superfund Site).

    I'm not ever going to be a snuggly/huggie grandmother. Nor was I that kind of parent. I didn't know what a good parent was but I sure knew what a bad parent was all about. I vowed kneeled at Mom's grave holding my 3 day old son that NEVER, NEVER would he experience what I did. I would protect him with my life, if necessary. I moved putting 1,000 miles between us & my family. My kids never knew my family.

    I love my kids & grandchildren deeply...each of them. I can't give them hugs/kisses when they stub their toes going through life. But, I can TEACH & I can help prepare them for life. I can help them to be self-reliant, strong, to have compassion, to stand firmly on their own feet, but also to accept love & help from others. (My now DH taught me how to do that.)

    So critize all you want. If my kids felt I was in any way favoring one of their children over the others there's no doubt in my mind I'd know how they felt. I raised them to be upfront & to deal with life issues quickly before they had time to fester into conflicts. Nope, if there was a problem they'd tell me in no uncertain terms. :)

    In the meantime, I'm going to see if DGS wants to exchange critter stuff with me. His BD is in November...seems like a good opportunity for that camera. Last night, I spent a few hours digging through boxes of old pictures. I found a couple I'm going to send him. One of his Pappa & one of me...feeding deer CCCs at Royal Gourge, CO (and don't lecture me...I KNOW we shouldn't have fed the deer CCCs!). Also, a picture of a pair of mated swans here in Mystic swimming through the harbor escorting about 8 little babies through the maze of boats.

    I came here asking for idea & thoughts. That's what I got. Fair enough. I'm feeling like about the worst parent/grandparent in the world & my Kleenex is soaked. I give of myself how I can & when I can. The grandkids will either learn who & what I am...or they won't. I suspect though that my DS & DDIL will give me a helping hand if I stumble too badly.

    /tricia

  • lowspark
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I apologize. I wasn't criticising and certainly didn't mean to sound as if I were. I was just stating my point of view. Everyone is different and handles situations differently. I'm sure you have and will maintain a great relationship with your kids and grandkids regardless of what I say or think! Please don't moisten another kleenex for anything I've written - I'm no authority on any of this!

    I've always enjoyed reading your posts and respect your ideas and opinions on multiple subjects. I'm sorry if my words hurt you in any way.

    May

  • deegw
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Tricia, you seem like a terrific person and I am deeply moved by your story. I think everyone here has your and your grandson's best interests at heart.

    I want to suggest that maybe your children did know that your grandson called you and that they might have even had a hand in it. It's a very diplomatic way to shed light on a situation that might be uncomfortable to them.

    By all accounts and opinions, right now your grandson does feel slighted. And while I know that is not your intent, you have to decide which is more important - your convictions or your grandson's feelings. This is really not about you and what you feel, it is about him.

    And even though you are not a mushy person, I will offer you a cyber hug. :)

    Dee

  • hawk307
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Tricia:
    You didn't have to spell out your hardships.
    I liked your way of thinking, even before you explained things.
    I believe Parents and Grandparents should be teachers,
    not just givers.

    I know Grandparents who can't give much but their wisdom but they are loved for this.

    It doesn't hurt to give to one and not the other, if the reason is explained and
    the other knows he or she will have their turn.

    If I won the Mega Millions , I naturally would treat
    everyone equally.

    When my grandson won advances , while in the Navy, Submarine Service, I treated him and
    not my granddaughter.
    She understood that it was his turn and she would get hers
    later, when she did good.
    I think it also teaches them that rewards come with doing good.
    Maybe not monetary. But love is a reward.

    When I was very young, there wasn't much to give but I appreciated what my Grandparents did give to me and my brothers and sisters.

    Mostly it was love and teaching. There was no bickering,
    when one recieved something and the others didn't.

    We were taught not to be jealous but happy with what the
    other recieved.

    My wife saved every little thing that the Grandkids did growing up.

    Even if it was a goofy sketch. Mostly letters and notes written to her.
    I still have them, in a folder, so I can show them to the Grand Kids and have a chuckle.

    Tricia, Do what you think is right, not what everyone else thinks.
    I'm sure everything will be fine.
    LOU

  • ann_t
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Grandchildren should be treated equally when it comes to love and attention. This has nothing to do with monetary gifts and whether Tricia spends the same amount of money on each child or sends only one a gift to celebrate birthdays or other important occasions.

    Would it be okay for a grandmother to phone one grandchild every Sunday for years and only talk to that one grandchild ignoring other grandchildren in the same home?

    Well that is effectively what Tricia has been doing. Writing every couple of weeks to one child only.

    It would have been so simple to send an age appropriate note or card to the other two grandkids while still carrying on a meanfully relationship with the older granddaugher.

    If she had done that, then probably her little seven year old grandson would have felt that he was as important as his sister.

    When you are only 7 you have lots of time to learn that life isn't always fair. The only life lesson a child needs to learn at that age is that he is loved and cherished.

  • spacific
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I've got to say, this one has been bothering me. Why so harsh on Tricia for not being "equal"? I had 2 grandparents growing up. My mother's father didn't even know all of our NAMES. He called us "Bernie's kids" (my dad). For his birthday on New Years Day, he would line all the grandkids up (we'd have to be grouped by families), and he'd give each of us a silver dollar. He knew the names of his sons' sons only (and even told my sister that her kids weren't "real great-grandkids" -- they were daughters of daughters of daughters). He developed no individual close relationships except with a couple of the oldest grandsons. I never received a single birthday card or call or present from him.

    And my father's mother didn't speak English. Our visits with her mostly consisted of sitting in our Sunday best, "seen and not heard" until we were offered a prized Hershey's Kiss from the cut crystal candy dish that always sat in the living room. At that point, our faces would light up, hers too. We'd grab a candy, say thanks in our best Polish and run for the door, now able to go out and play. She died when I was 10. My older brother and sister got to know her quite well because she lived with them and my parents before I was born. They knew more of the language and had a much closer relationship with her than I or my other sister or brother did.

    So based on some of your reactions to this thread, I would be scarred for life. Not knowing my grandparents on a one-on-one basis, very obvious preferential treatment, etc. WRONG. My grandfather was a huge Tiger fan and would sit on the porch step in the summer with the radio, listening to the games. I would sit and listen too when we visited. (And became a huge fan for a few years... I think I was finding my way of connecting with him). And when a cousin from Poland came to live with us, my sister and I worked really hard with her to learn few more phrases of Polish and would proudly say them to my grandmother. It really made her laugh. And I have many other really good memories, too many to write here.

    The point is, I had family. We were all loved. I was taught early on that treatment would NEVER on a day-by-day basis be considered equal, but that if I looked at my whole life, I would see how fortunate I was (and am). I still see life that way. My family, grandparents, parents and all, taught me that. I feel grateful, blessed and am working very hard to make sure that my son knows that life doesn't have to be FAIR and EQUAL to be very, VERY GOOD.

    I think you're doing fine Tricia. And I think you'll find a path with each of your grandkids.

  • lindac
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Some are able to overcome childhood trauma, angst and turmoil better than others it seems.
    I am reminded of a friend who would come to me for advice on something or other every so often and I would pretty well tell her to just do it and not to over think....she would reply ( and this was a woman in her late 60's!) "But that's easy for you...I had an alcoholic father and I never knew if he would be violent or passed out on the floor when I came home from school"...I finally told her that I had an alcoholic mother and my early years and teen years were much the same, I avoided having friends visit because of my mother....by this time you need to get over it and stop making that an excuse for every thing you feel is lacking in your life, or for things you can't do...or won't do.
    Because my mother was never welcoming to my friends I went the other way....and made sure our home was always filled with kids and things for them to eat.
    Tricia, don't say "can't" just write notes to those little boys about as often as you do to their sister.....
    When you are gone they will remember their grammy better for having known them a little bit....try the warm fuzzy stuff....if not in person...at least on paper and through the mail.
    Linda C

  • centralcacyclist
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I've watched and read this thread with interest.

    My mother was the victim of horrible abuse as a very small child at the hands of her father. It was physical and emotional. The emotional abuse continued until he died. My mother left me with my grandparents as an infant and lived on the other side of the country until I was 9. As she wasn't around I was unaware of the acrimony between my mother and grandfather. When she came for a visit the battles began anew with me a pawn in their war. When she moved back to the town we lived in it was all out war most of the time.

    As I grew older and she lived near by, she began to abuse me. Some of it was subtle and cruel mental/emotional abuse some of it was her venting her fury on me physically with several awful beatings in my teens. Mostly I was aware that I was a symbol of unhappiness for her and she unconsciously wanted to destroy me. And my grandfather never abused me, he expressed affection in his grumpy way. My grandmother told me he felt sorry for me because my mother didn't love me. So that didn't help my relationship with my mother either as you can imagine.

    She had another child, my half sister. She pushed me away even more and attempted to have me sent away to a juvenile prison. She nearly succeeded.

    Fast forward. I am an adult with small children of my own. A year of therapy in my late 20s helped me resolve a lot of the painful and conflicted emotions about my mother. The damage exists, though, and still effects my relationships. Therapy and self examination help me to be more aware and conscious of my reactions. That doesn't always keep them from happening, however. I put on my big girl pants and make no excuses.

    One night when she was visiting and the kids were asleep, she started talking about my grandfather and told me the full tale of the vicious abuse she received and his alcoholism. She had an infant sister that died of leukemia. My grandfather turned his grief and anger on my mother who was three at the time. All news to me including the alcoholism. He was a teetotaler by the time I arrived. I sat there horrified and transfixed. That I knew nothing of this from my grandmother was no surprise as she didn't ever discuss unpleasant family events, ever. (I didn't even know about the infant who died until I stumbled on a family photo of two babies when I was 13 or so, one was obviously my mother, one was not but looked like family. I asked about that baby and my grandmother told me she had died.) How much was true? I will never know. I know my mother reinterprets events to suit her own needs. So I have to consider that. But she thinks it's true. Right then and there I forgave her all the pain I had suffered. Have I forgotten? No. And I keep both myself and my children shielded from her and have little but cursory and cordial contact. She plays obvious favorites with her grandchildren. My sister's kids get lots more attention and regular gifts. My kids understand that Nana J isn't a warm normal grandmother. But out of sight out of mind. Not perfect but not painful, either.

    I won't comment on your relationships, Tricia, as all families are unique. I'm simply sharing my own story of the multi-generational ripple effects of familial abuse.

  • rob333 (zone 7b)
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    All people are different. Some are visual. Some are tactile. Sounds like your grand-daughter leans to the tactile end, and your grandson the visual end. May I suggest a camera? I saw one in Kroger last night that looked geared towards a kid. Kids love all things carrabeaner. I found a link to show you one from Walmart.

    Best of luck connecting to him in his way. I know you will. Bless you Tricia and all that you do!

    -Robin

    Here is a link that might be useful: Inexpensive and fun for him!

  • annie1992
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think we all have our own stories. I grew up with an absent mother, raised by my Grandmother. My parents divorced while I was still a kid and I married at 19, to a man who eventually became a controlling alcoholic and who thankfully, moved out to move in with his girlfriend. I still owe her a thank you card. My girls have their own stories to tell. Grandma used to tell me that in our family we "get our chins up and get on with it" and so we all have.

    My ex-MIL also believed that only boys were valuable, which was odd to me because she has always run the family with an iron fist. Her boys got petted, pampered and waited on and her girls were required to wait on them. When she had grandchildren she took only the boys to DisneyWorld, not the girls. She has paid college tuition, purchased vehicles, but only for the boys.

    My girls know that is just "how she is", but they certainly don't visit her and are not close to her. She set the rules for the relationships they have (or don't have, in this case).

    I agree with Ann T, children don't have to be equal as in "the same", but when spending a lot of attention on one and no attention on the other, you're playing favorites. If you want to, that's your choice, go ahead, but do not complain when the relationship you've chosen comes to fruition.

    Although The Princess has a very special place in my heart, and she and her parents lived with me when she was born and while she was an infant, I work very hard to show Bruvver I love him in his own right. He's sure of it and even if I tell him that he is naughty, his response is always "but you love me anyway". And he's right, I do. Differently than I love his sister, but just as much.

    So, when I send something to his sister, I send something to him. Not the same thing and not always the same day, but always eventually. They usually come to my house together, but sometimes they come separately. I'll spend time playing on the computer with Makayla, or curling her hair or baking. Bruvver would rather do puzzles or go to the playground, so we do that. They are separate and they are different, but they get equal love and attention.

    Annie

  • gellchom
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Grammy needs to get a Facebook account!

    Kids love to go on Facebook, and I bet even a 7 year old can do it. Then you can instant message each other and your mouth won't get dry. You can post pictures for him, "send" him "gifts," etc.

  • triciae
    Original Author
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have attempted several times to type a response this evening. The simple truth is that I'm so angry my words are coming out inappropriate & would have been hurtful to others. Since I never wish to deliberately hurt anybody...I apologize for those ugly thoughts.

    So, I have deleted all of my response attempts one-by-one.

    Let me just conclude by saying it remains my opinion that my grandson is indicating he doesn't want a relationship with me like his younger brother anymore. He doesn't want any more cute cards with pennies inside, nor coloring books, nor postcards. He is asking for a more grown-up relationship like his sister's with me. He doesn't want to be treated like his baby brother anymore. He believes calling me is more grown-up...and it is. That doesn't work well for me. I came here asking for help & suggestions. Thank you to those who have offered pragmatic solutions. Those suggestions helped me to formulate a plan that I put into action less than 24 hours after DGS's phone call. We will together pursue a relationship that is unique to the two of us...not like that of DGD nor DGS #2...but equal. And when DGS #2 reaches an age where he no longer wants to be the baby...I hope I can also find a way to connect with him.

    /tricia (Who is so done with this thread & so wishes she would have considered the human desire to be judgmental before she asked for help. This is a poor place to come for help unless you have the hide of a rhino (and I do not) & I have learned another life lesson.)

  • mitchdesj
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You will find the right way to connect with him, his phone call was a good start
    but you must find what works for you, in your state of health and emotions.

    I'm sorry you felt judged here, people are only giving their opinions; I just read the entire thread for the first time and I saw diverse opinions, and many people caring enough to contribute what they think could help your situation in the long run.
    You can only look forward to what could be fun times connecting with this little boy.

    I just realized I have not seen my grandson since april 6 and I miss him terribly; he hates talking on the phone, I could have been mailing him a few cards and pictures. Geez, ya think I could have discovered this on my own, lol?
    so this thread serves me as a reminder to keep in touch, thanks Tricia, your post will serve me as a way to connect for the future, we definitely will be away from him more and more in the next few years so I have to do something.

  • annie1992
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Tricia, I'm sorry you feel judged. I gave you my opinion, my best ideas and told you what I do. I thought that was what you were looking for, instead of just saying "oh, you're right, do whatever you're doing, it's just fine."

    I figured if you didn't have some issue with it, you wouldn't have posted.

    As for cameras, I can tell you that I got The Princess a Fisher Price camera. Good underwater for up to 30 minutes and Bruvver has dropped it off the porch, into the pool and onto the cement garage floor more than once and it's still fine. It cost less than $50 at ToysRUs.

    The software with it is just horrible, though, it took forever for me to get the pictures off of it and onto the computer so we could print some.

    Annie

  • sheesh
    13 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Actually, tricia, I'm surprised you feel judged and sad, and I'm sorry you feel that way. You are often outspoken in your replies to posters who ask questions. In fact, we can count on you to see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

    So.....I think these feelings of sadness about this thread may be a bit of a change for you, something unusual for you. We all get sad and moody at times, maybe this is one of those times for you. I think everyone here meant well, maybe a little too frank at times. You know your relationship with your grandkids is solid.