Only sympathy here...this is a very upsetting thing to have happened. All of his time, energy, and hopes/dreams were tied to his dream house and to have those dreams shattered is very difficult. My advice is that you need to gently recommend that he speak with a professional for the sake of his health and your marriage. Five weeks? That sounds a lot like he is either in, or will soon be in, a depressive state...which is not something to take lightly.

Oh. and building stresses relationships no matter what...you would be making a huge mistake to begin this project without his support, or even his interest. Best of luck to you both.

By your "Dear Housemate".....I am wondering if you are married to this man. It seems it was YOUR estate and it is totally unfair for him to not even consider what you can afford now. If he is not your husband....I'd reconsider the relationship to him......sounds like he is too interested in HIS dream house.

I would proceed however YOU want to. How often in life do you get to make all the decisions and not worry about another's opinion? That said I believe at some point he will get on board, but don't wait for it. You can make it happen. Feel empowered, if nothing else it may jar him out of his depression.

Can't help it, I have to be brutally honest.

Your DH is being a selfish baby. I wouldn't put up with that BS for one second. His inability to compromise with you speaks loudly about how he puts himself way above you. I have a hunch that maybe he is trying to convince you to build the "dream house" anyway - putting you in more debt than you can handle.

You need to wait and build until you have your relationship on even ground.

I rather think that Dixiedoodle and Phoggie are closer to the mark. I am sorry for the unfortunate events. The Housemate probably IS depressed at the loss of a long-held dream. Professional consolation (not a typo) should be obtained, even though the search for an effective grief consultant may take several tries.

Whatever, for your own sake, do NOT attempt any building unless you are totally willing to take full responsibility including the possible destruction of the present relationship with Housemate. I've read that over 40% of married couples finish the build with a split marital status, and that over 70% of non-marrieds end the same way. That's because the stressors involved in even a well-planned, smooth, uneventful build are more than even the most pessimistic novice can imagine. It just doesn't make sense to start a build when your score already has two strikes against it (lack of funds and lack of a supporting partnership).

re: "Do I believe him when he says that he's never going to take any interest in anything but his dream?" my answer: yep. It would make most sense both emotionally and financially if you take his word for it that he is completely non-invested in anything other that what he wants, as he wants, when he wants, and the way he wants. Even if he starts to seem to come around ["do whatever you want" or "it's okay, you decide"], the truth is that nothing less a full involvement *without resentment* is going to see any actual participation on his part. I realize this is a far more negative viewpoint than any other poster will take, but -- I've been there, done that (oh yeah, word for word!) and have learned the hard way that for some people "compromise" means that not matter what he says, only his way/plans/dreams are acceptable. It would make me very happy for him to prove me wrong, but meanwhile you should keep in mind the strong possibility that a negative viewpoint may be the right viewpoint.

What if you sold the land and looked for a house similar to your initial building plans, something that's already on the market. Would that be a possibility?

OK, it's none of my business, but how did the IRS stop the estate from going to probate? I've been an executor, and I don't get it.

Never mind all that. Your story reminded me of a couple I knew. Same story: "His" dream shattered by events beyond their control. He refused to take any responsibility for any sort of forward progress, abdicating everything to his wife. The result was divorce. At least in that case, it wasn't all her money.

Can you talk him into counseling?

I am going to be honest as well and probably sound mean. The only way I can answer is answer the question as if I were in your shoes.

I agree with kellyeng. Get over it dude. Again the sense of entitlement that were going to use all dads money to build the biggest baddest house we can. Then pout when dads estate has dwindled (as has everyone elses lately)

Here is an idea, build a house you can afford, live in it for awhile, save some of your OWN money and then upgrade in a few years when things are better.

The shattered dreams thing is weak. We all have dreams. The key is to strive towards those dreams and MAKE them happen on your own. A guy that gives up when he doesnt get what he wants is selfish. Funny how "his" dream home involves all of "your" Dads money

I have to be honest. The first thing that came to my mind after reading your OP was this guy either doesnt work or isnt too good with money. Just reminded me of someone I know. Sorry if I offened you or I am wrong.

Ask yourself this. What would your father think of this ? Do you think he would approve of your DH treating you this way with his hard earned money.

Sit on the money.Do not build plans A or B until he is completely on board and begins thinking more logically. Do not make this kind of decision with these problems in the air. I am in mid build and its STRESSFUL with both of us on board.

My guess is that as soon as you park that money and do nothing he will change his mind. Kinda like when my kids find out Im making chicken for dinner and say they're not eating cause they dont like what I made. The chicken starts to look awful good after going hungry for awhile.

Good luck

How about a little reverse psychology? Since your significant other refuses to see the obvious...you can't afford to build the gigantic dream house....tell him that the only other option is that you live in the tiny rental. Perhaps since house building is still a dream for you he is hoping that somehow you will be able to pull a solution out of your...ahem....you know and he will get his wish. Since you will be very firmly telling him that this is not going to happen let him know and face his only option...you will be stuck in the tiny rental for the rest of your life. Then don't discuss the issue again. Once he finally realizes that this is the final option and you are willing to play that card, he might just wake up from his fantasy dream world and move on. I really believe he is thinking that somehow you can fix this since it is your dream as well. He needs to face reality on his own. No more talking about building...planning nothing. Put the plans away and let him deal with it.

If for some reason that does not work ...you know what you are dealing with.......another option might be suggesting that you find a bigger place to rent since the small rental was only meant to be a stop over to a new house. Let him find the bigger place since it is his resolve not to build a realistic priced house. Perhaps this action will move him to reality.

Just a couple of suggestions ..you might as well have some fun while you are going through this disappointment. By the way...5 weeks is not a long time considering it has been 3 years since all of this started. Once spring comes he might have a completely different attitude. As you said this sounds like he might be thinking this is his last chance to build a house of his dreams and 5 weeks is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. You might just need to be patient just a bit longer...

and re the settlement of estate. We went through this recently. We were settling an estate for a relative and the value of stocks was cut in half when the stock market collapsed. We were able to hold the bank liable for not collapsing the account soon after the owner of the account had passed away and the bank had to repay every penny from that date. I would think that the person looking after collapsing the estate should be liable for some of issues surrounding the losses as 3 years seems like a ridiculous amount of time to go by to settle an estate. BUT I am not a lawyer. I am sure you have researched these issues anyway. Sorry it did not work out for you.

Trilby...I hate to hear of the set back! I know how much the two of you have been looking forward to building your dream house. I always remember it because it's so unique. :o)

I know he's got to be terribly disheartened after learning that what he's been planning for so long probably isn't going to come to fruition. Sounds like he just wants to stomp his feet and complain for awhile. Can you really blame him? He's been planning and working on this for years.

I have a feeling that sanity will be returning soon and he'll start seeing things from a very different viewpoint....a realistic one! Is he still interested in finishing off the workshop and staying there?

Tell Dear Housemate to pack up his toys and go home! Fifty is too old to be acting like a baby.

BIG hugs to everyone for your wisdom and your support!! I honestly didn't have any idea I'd come home to so many responses!

A little background, to clarify the situation: Dear Housemate and I are not a couple at all in the traditional sense. We're extremely close, we care about each other a great deal, but it's more like brother/sister than anything else. We've known each other for about 30 years. He owned a house (inherited when his parents passed), I didn't. About 18 years ago, I moved into his second bedroom because it was good financially for both of us. It's worked out really well so far.

About 2-1/2 years ago, DH sold his house (with my complete agreement) for a good sum just before real estate tanked. We bought property (he made the down payment, I pay the monthly mortgage). And since then we've been waiting on dad's estate. He works... some. He's self-employed as a computer consultant; but he's no good at self-promotion, so he doesn't have much work or much income. To make matters worse, there's a glut of computer geeks in Knoxville. It's his passion, though, and he's exceedingly good at what he does. And no... he's not good at all with money. Not. At. All.

muddypond & mel_bc: Briefly - When dad passed, the lion's share of his estate was in stock he held in a company that was involved in a legal dispute. All the stock (including Dad's shares) were frozen, and the IRS wouldn't release the estate until the legal proceedings were settled. My aunt (the executor) consulted two different tax attorneys, and both told her the same thing: There was nobody to take action against but the IRS, and when you sue the IRS, nobody wins but them. :-(

dixiedoodle, phoggie, nycefarm.... kellyeng, meldy_nva, sweetwillie, eastgate -- thanks so much for your sympathy, understanding, and advice. I don't think it's at all too harsh to say that he's behaving like a baby; that very phrase has crossed my mind more than once, and it helps to know that I'm not just being totally hardhearted. At the same time, I know that his disappointment and devastation are very real. I only wish I COULD get him to see a therapist, or at least talk to someone. :-( Thanks also for the dose of reality; I'd rather have him be invested and involved in the house, but I can't and shouldn't expect that to happen, certainly not on my schedule, if at all. I did and do have a gut feeling that no matter how much I want to get started, we (I) shouldn't move forward until DH is at least willing to discuss what we do. Maybe reverse psychology is the answer....

darling persnickety: I'm so glad that you saw this post, I was hoping for your input! No, I honestly can't and don't blame him for wanting to stomp his feet for a while. He might feel better if we wait to build till he finishes the workshop. (Our agreement was that he'd make the down payment on the property, then use his funds to build a workshop/office and put "sweat equity" into the house; I'm not paying anything for his shop, and the amount he has left wouldn't give us enough to build the "dream house"). But it's taken him a year and a half to get the walls up; then the cold weather set in, and it's been almost 3 months since any significant work has been done. I'm afraid to think how long it will be before we have the roof and windows and doors. And then the interior walls and the electricity and on and on and on... I'm going to be optimistic, at least for a while, and hope that sanity does return soon! :-)

Thanks again to everyone for your input!! I'm taking everything you say to heart, and considering every word! Y'all are the very best!!


------------- Trilby

Trilby23....

You sound like a very reasonable sweet lady. The sincerity in your tone is obvious.

Its none of my business but the entire time I was reading your posts I couldnt think of 1 good reason you should move forward with this. IMO owning,let alone building a house with anyone other than a spouse is a bad decision. Especially if its not even a boyfriend.

Good luck to you.

I know of good paying computer jobs going begging in the Knoxville area. Does he have Unix or Linux skills?

Hi Trilby,

I understand completely. In 2000 I bought a piece of land the plan being to build a house there with my brother as the architect. It was a way cool house, glass to the ceilings, large cantilevered overhangs, steel, TJI's. EIFS, Duratherm Windows, they are really good. Paid my brother, engineer and a special lock in to a builder. $US 80k. The builder pulled out, cancer, so I could not keep my 2 year dead line. Priced with other builders turns out the house was 2x my budget. Some builders were coming in cost+. I.E. no one had a clue as to the cost of building the thing.

In a nutshell I was back to square one and 3 years and $US 80k out of pocket. My brother who spent a year on the project went to Italy.

But I started again. Got a local architect. Turns out that the builder holding my cash was sort of expensive, so the $US 30k as deposit was easily recovered by properly bidding out the second build.

My wife is happy, my daughter is even happier, a pink room of her own with lots of stuffed animals. Total build time 5 years...., two designs, double the town fees etc. But we kept at it .... Your DH will come around. I did. I was pissed off though when all the things came to pieces. But time and cool heads will arrive. If you can build a house together, you will be together forever :)

So what happened to the people. My brother and I are still well brothers, same as ever. We had great fun and memories doing it. The best bit I think was at the Architect Review board in the town. When our house was coming up next to be reviewd, the chairman of the board said "What is that!" pointing to our house rendition. It was really way cool! The board was actually still reviewing the previous house!!!! They OKed it anyway. I told you my brother went to Italy, well he now has a Hotel there. Total build time 9 years. But it is really a fantastic Hotel. Last year he maded it to Conde Nast Traveler Magazine in the UK, and Vogue USA, Dec 2008. (See web site below). It is a hotel that I can honestly say has a 100% satisfaction rate. Well he has no credit card machine set up, so guests at the end of their stay are presented with a bill. On it has one number the total plus a bank account and wiring instructions. Guests are asked to wire him the money when they get home. So far *everybody* has paid!!!! He runs the hotel with his wife.

As for the engineer, we parted on good terms and I still would definately recommend him. He is David Kufferman and he is based in Connecticut. He specializes in structural engineering, really funky stuff, glass stair cases no less. I mean pretty much *all* glass.

Having said all this, and house prices so low now, maybe you can find your dream house already built and at a good price. Not so long ago I even saw a Richard Meier house on the market. Maybe you could buy one and then remodel it a bit. Like what my brother did with his 10th Century watch tower hotel.

Anyway chin-up, stiff upper-lip, and like that little girl say to yourself "We are not quitters."

Good luck and all the very best, warmest regards, Mike.

Here is a link that might be useful: Moravola

Hi all,

The members of this forum are a complete treasure and I am SO glad for all your help and advice!! Sometimes, especially when problems can't be solved or fixed quickly, the thing that helps the most is touching base with people who have been through a similar experience.

sweetwillie -- We talked about that for a long, long time back when we started this whole thing. Our arrangement has worked fabulously well for us for 18 years, and we figured we could continue to make everything keep ticking along. Just a year ago I would have said "but we're different". Now, though, I'm not nearly so confident.

muddypond -- He knows both Unix and Linux extremely well. Any suggestions you can give, I would be TERRIBLY grateful for! Please feel free to contact me any time: trilby23 (at) ldktn (dot) (com) and Thank You for your kindness!

and stinkytiger (can I tell you how much I love that nickname) -- THANKS for sharing!! What a horrible and WONDERFUL story! I hope you will post a few pictures of your daughter's pink room and her stuffed friends. Moravola is really the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I'm certain that everyone always pays their bill in full; if they didn't, they could never hope to come back! My grandmother was British and I inherited the "stiff upper lip" approach from her; so "We are not quitters" is my motto from now on. Right alongside of "Be flexible and keep breathing."


------------- Trilby

I would suggest avoiding the stress of designing and building a house in bad economic times. Buy a house while they are cheap and interest rates are low, then fix it up over time; an architect can give you suggestions that could make a huge difference in comfort and resale value. When the recession is over sell it and build your dream house.

As for the estate someone must have been responsible for the property held in the estate and should be accountable to you if they mismanaged them. Establish an estate plan for yourselves now so your family won't have to go through the same thing. My father, mother and brother died in a 16 month period and all assets were available to the survivors immediately although it took over a year to settle with the IRS.

muddypond -- He knows both Unix and Linux extremely well. Any suggestions you can give, I would be TERRIBLY grateful for! Please feel free to contact me any time: trilby23 (at) ldktn (dot) (com) and Thank You for your kindness!

Have him go to the link below and search on Unix Linux. There are Unix/Linux jobs that have been open for some time. I understand they are also looking for Windows people.

He would need to be eligible for a high level security clearance.

Here is a link that might be useful: Oak Ridge National Labs Job Openings