venting my guilt, extremely long

16 years ago

This time of year is hard for me because it brings memories of my mother's passing, a few days after Christmas 5 years ago. That Fall my mother was mentioning to me how she wished my brother could afford to come up for a visit with his family. We all live in Ontario but my brother was on special assignment in Arizona for 4 years. So DH and I decided that we would bring our mother to Arizona for a Christmas visit so she could spend time with my brother after not seeing him for 3 years.

My mother did take heart medication to regulate atrial fibrillation, but her doctor cleared her for the trip and she seemed to be fine. We all enjoyed the visit with my brother and DH and I planned a little overnight side trip to show our kids the Grand Canyon. We were concerned the altitude might be too much for my mom, so we thought she could just stay at my brother's and enjoy the extra time with him. She agreed to this, but at the last minute decided she wanted to accompany us and wouldn't take no for an answer.

We had a hotel room in Flagstaff Arizona where we were planning to stay overnight, and then head out early the next morning to catch the sun coming across the Canyon. My mom said she would just stay at the hotel room when we took the kids to the Canyon, which was another 2,000 feet higher in altitude. I did not want her even going to Flagstaff which is 4,000 feet higher than where my brother lives, but she insisted she wouldn't be doing any walking around while we were gone, just sitting in the hotel room reading her book. I tried to pursuade her to stay at my brother's, but for some reason she decided she wanted to go with us, even though she sees me about 5 times a year and hadn't seen my brother in 3 years. She kept insisting her doctor wouldn't have ok'd the trip if there was any health risk for her. We finally gave up and set off for the trip to Flagstaff, mother in tow.

Well along the way we stopped at some lookout points to take pictures, and most of the drive to Flagstaff was uneventful. But in the last hour of the drive it began to snow, and my mother got a bit anxious that we'd be driving around in the snow and might not find our hotel before it got dark. We reminded her we drive in snow 5 months of the year and our hotel was on a main road so there'd be no problem finding it even if it got dark.

We arrived at the hotel at dusk and as we began to unpack I noticed my mother take a pill and asked her if it was her heart medication. She told me no, that it was an anti anxiety medication she takes occasionlly and she just wanted to feel relaxed because the fear of not finding our hotel had made her anxious. We began talking about where we wanted to go for dinner and my mother said that she wasn't hungry yet but she was a bit tired and wanted to take a nap. That was not unusual as she normally takes a nap every day and hadn't slept at all yet. She said that if the kids were hungry we should all go out and she'd just order room service after her nap. I said we'd just watch t.v. until she finished her nap and all go out to eat together.

She got into the bed and decided she'd just lie on top of the covers. A few minutes later she felt cold and asked me to help her pull all the covers down. When she was settled she said, "Gee, I can't believe I feel so tired all of a sudden." This sent up a red flag for me and I asked her if her heart felt weird, or if she was having any breathing problems, or pain anywhere or felt nauseous, or light headed, all signs that in women can mean an impending heart attack. She told me no, she just felt really tired and it was probably from the change in schedule for the past few days and not having her regular naps. So I told her to nap as long as she wanted because we had snacks and would go out for dinner when she woke up.

Just as I was thinking I was worrying for nothing, she suddenly said "Hey look, I can't even hold my arm up" and I watched as she tried to raise her arm but it kind of flopped back down. I immediately picked up the phone near the bed to dial 911, while hearing her say in a very trembling voice "Oh no, I should never have come here." She then got a very panicked look on her face and her eyes fluttered shut and she went unconscious before I even completed the call. My DH and I tried desperately to revive her with CPR which we both know, but it wasn't working and I somehow knew it was over. This all happened in front of my kids, pleading with God to help their grandma not die.

When the paramedics finally arrived 20 minutes later, they too were unable to do CPR because her airway had collapsed so badly she couldn't be intubated. At that point they didn't do a tracheotomy because she'd been without oxygen too long and they said she'd be brain dead if revived. My guilt for the fact that my mother died while on vacation with us was bad enough, because she certainly seemed a perfectly healthy 70 year old when she said goodbye to my three siblings in Windsor, where she lived. But my guilt has magnified tenfold because I have never told my siblings the truth...that her last words were a tearful "I should never have come here." I left that part out because I wanted them to think that she just died peacefully while settling in for a nap, and couldn't bear for them to know that her last words were fearful and she probably instinctively knew she was dying. I so much wish she HAD just fallen asleep and died peacefully oblivious, rather than suddenly realizing that something was very wrong and dying with a fearful expression in her voice. Many times since then my siblings have asked me to describe my memories with them, because they all admit they're kind of envious that I was the only one to share the last day of our mother's life with her. But little do they know that the very last few moments of her life haunt me because I know she actually died in fear. I will take that to my grave and my siblings will never know that our mother didn't just die peacefully like they think. But somehow, I need to purge this to someone because it eats me up that I've been telling this lie to them for the last 5 years. So please consider this vent a way to release my guilt without doing it to the people it would only hurt. I know you all will understand.

P.s. After my mother's death, her doctor was contacted and he was shocked that she had died. He had okayed that she travel with us, but when she said it was to visit my brother 'down south' she hadn't told him that her son lived in the Sierra Mountains of Arizona, with an elevation of between 3 and 4 thousand feet. He felt that and the trip to Flagstaff at about 7,000 feet may have compromised the oxygen level in her blood too much (even though she never experienced shortness of breath)and may have brought on the stroke that was ruled her cause of death. So if any of you are on any heart medication at all and plan to travel, even if you feel perfectly healthy, please make sure your doctor knows if there will be any high altitude involved, like in Colorado, Nevada, Arizona etc. And thanks for the opportunity to confess the true story after 5 years. I feel so much better writing it, even if only a few have the patience to read it!

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Comments (33)

Happy_Go_Lucky_Gayle
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Your Mom was were She wanted to be....with you...! She got to visit her children and how wonderful that you blessed her with this trip.

What if you had gone on the trip without her and she passed away in your absence?

I am so sorry for your loss. When we loose someone near to us...there is always a "I wish I would have "done this or that", but the truth is She went in God's Time.

My deepest sympathy.

Gayle
lydia1959
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
(((((pickyshopper)))))) Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry you have lived with that guilt all those years. I hope you can let it go. I agree with Gayle...your Mom was where she wanted to be.

I too, believe she went in God's time. There is a reason for everything.
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Daisy7
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My Mom died on Christmas Eve '97. I wasn't with her and I wish I had been. Only one of us six kids were with her.

The pain and the guilt does lessen with time.

Just think how great it was for her and your brother to see each other.

Blessings for you and what Gayle said.
liz
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Picky...I'm so glad you were able to come here and purge...isn't it just the bestest...now on to the scenario...like Gayle said...don't beat yourself up...like she said...your mom was where she wanted to be...We all have the What If's about our parents passing...I'm still what if'ng and it's been 20 years...i suspect some of your moms anxiety was knowing she was going and in front of you and the GKids...It was her time and instead of feeling guilt ridden, feel blessed that you were with her in the end. I was the last kid of seven to speak to my dad...I called him...he hung up the phone and had a massive heart attack...(((Picky)))...it'll be ok...and maybe in time, you'll feel ok about sharing this with your siblings...but don't feel you have too...We all lose our parents waay to soon...
donna_oh
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Aw Pickyshopper, we go when God says its time. Your mom was very lucky to have such an unselfish & thoughtful daughter like you.

Please don't feel guilty--NO reason for that!

Hugs to you, Donna (^_^)
carol_in_california
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Let go of the guilt......it is in the past and I am certain your Mom wants you to be free of the guilt. You need to let it go so your Mom will be free, too.
I know what I posted sounds odd but I just know by keeping the guilt, no one is happy.
My son, only seven, was killed in an accident while camping and I grieved so hard....and then one night, he came to me in a dream that seemed so real....he told me not to cry any more because he was whole again and happy but would be happier if I let the guilt go.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
ronf_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. My first wife died between Christmas and New Years 11 years ago. Christmas has never been the same. Like so many others have said, we all go when it's our time. Let go of the guilt and remember the joy she had visiting your brother and traveling with your family. You're in my prayers.
Ron
bestlawn
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
"But my guilt has magnified tenfold because I have never told my siblings the truth...that her last words were a tearful "I should never have come here."

That's what you feel guilty about, right? Not that your mom passed away or that she did so doing what she wanted to do. We all find reasons to lay guilt on ourselves, but I really feel you can control this one. There are two really justifiable reasons (not that no other is justifiable) to feel guilty. One is when making a dreadful mistake. Another is when not doing something we should do or should have done. You know in your heart you should tell them because they deserve to know.

I know purging has to have made you feel a little better, but honestly I think you're going to go through this again next year, and the year after. At some point, you are going to have to tell your siblings. Not because they don't know but because it bothers you that you didn't tell them. So, tell them. Tell them before it comes out all wrong and you compound your own regret. They're going to ask again, and again some time later. Ask if they REALLY want to know and tell them if they say yes, thereby relieving yourself of total control of them over this decision. It isn't up to you to control them or to shield them from the truth - especially not at the expense of your own peace of mind. Believe it or not, one or two might say they don't want to know. They will prefer to think her last moments were peaceful since there is nothing they can do about what happened anyway. It was your mom's decision and very thoughtful of you to take her. Now make the decision to purge yourself completely so this doesn't haunt you forever. You deserve to be able to enjoy this time of year and not have it clouded. It's difficult enough just knowing mom passed away this time of year. Don't think your kids aren't aware. And, don't think you can take this torture forever.

I really hope you will tell them. I'd feel better knowing you got it off your chest because now you're in my heart knowing you are beating yourself up.
marilyn_c
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Yes...what Carol and Gayle said. Your mother was doing what she wanted to do. You are blessed to have been with her.
Let the guilt go and forgive yourself of something that was not at all your fault.
Cherryfizz
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
((((Picky)))) I know all too well the guilt you are feeling and I know too well how it can eat you up inside - so you have to let it go. You told us the guilt you are feeling - but it was not your fault your Mother died where she did.

You gave your Mother what she wanted, a trip to see her son. Instead of guilt think of your Mom's death as you made her wish come true by taking her on this vacation.

I have also come to believe that when it is your time on this Earth to end things happen that put us on that path. Sometimes we end up doing stupid things that put us in harms way that will cause our demise but your Mom wanted to see her son - even when she possibly knew she shouldn't have made that trip.

Your Mom did die in peace and that is all your siblings want to know.

As for my guilt - I too have lived with it for 5 years since my Mom's death. My Mother was suffering from pancreatic cancer and Alzheimer's Diseas. 3 times a day I had to inject my Mom with insulin because of the cancer. The morning of her death she ate a good breakfast of oatmeal but in the afternoon I thought she had some gas so I gave her a gel Ovol gas capsule. My Mom had swallowing difficulties as well. I thought she had swallowed the capsule.

She ate lunch and everything was normal - but at dinner time I tested my Mom's blood and wasn't sure if I should give her the insulin or not. I tried to call the nurse, I tried to call hospice, I put a call through my friend who was diabetic but she wasn't home. I gave my Mom the insulin anyways and then she wouldn't eat her dinner. Her blood sugar levels went very low. My friend had finally called me back and told me to get sugar into my Mom and she said I shouldn't have given her the insulin injection because her levels were okay. I tried everything but it didn't work.

My Mom went into distress and the nurse finally showed up and told us to expect the worse and to gather the family around. At the moment when my Mom died her head went to the side and all this brown liquid came out of her mouth. It was from the gas pill that must have stayed in my Mom's throat. No wonder she didn't want to eat! She couldn't talk so she couldn't tell me but I knew something wasn't right because she wouldn't eat. My Mom had a good appetite.

So I carried the guilt that I killed my Mother. I shouldn't have given her the insulin injection, I gave her that stupid pill that caused her distress because it was stuck in her throat and it must have been awful for her. She would have died sooner than later but I caused her to die sooner.

I still have a hard time with the guilt. I stay up into the wee hours of the morning until I become so tired I can fall asleep without these thoughts invading my mind.

I've let most of the guilt go. You have to. I can only talk about this to my 3 closest friends but I just thought I would let you know you aren't alone and that you should let the guilt go and have some peace of mind. Your Mother didn't blame you, she said "I should never have come here" She didn't say "you shouldn't have made me come here"

Email me anytime or if you ever come to Windsor let me know so I can hug you in person. Let the guilt go. You told your siblings what they needed to hear to comfort them. That is a good thing.

Anne
gardenspice
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
oh Picky,
I can feel the burden from your post.
I can't help but wonder if your Mom was so determined to go with you because she had sub concious intuition about the possiblity of her impending death and that she wanted to be with you.
You handled an incredibly difficult situation very well - so please give yourself some peace.
Please take good care of you!
Peace be with you,
GardenSpice
nycefarm_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
No reason to feel guilty, when it was her time, she went. Be thankful that you were with her, and that you did your best by her in life. I would not want to tell my siblings about the moment she died, they don't need to know that...
I took care of my terminally ill mother for 7 months. One day, my cousin came by to take me out to lunch, and wouldn't you know that is exactly when she died. I cannot feel too guilty, though I am sorry I was not there for her when it happened, but I think fate designed it that way...
Not your choice, no guilt necessary.
kathi_mdgd
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))). Ditto what everyone has already said,Your mom went with you because she wanted to as she wanted to see your brother.You fulfilled her wish and made her last days on this earth happy.

none of us knows the day or time when God will call us home,so you have to believe her work on earth was finished ,and she's now your Guardian Angel,and she sure wouldn't want you beating yourself up over what happened.It is ,what it is.So let the guilt go and rest in the knowledge you were able to fulfill her last wish to see your brother.So you know she went in peace.

I'm truly sorry for your loss!! You have a lot of good memories i'm sure.I wasn't that lucky,my mom passed when i was only 9 years old.But my sisters and i know that she would be proud of the way we turned out.

God knows your heart,so don't beat yourself up over something you had no control over.

Hugs
Kathi
joyfulguy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Hello pickyshopper,

From what you say, I doubt that your Mom was feeling very fearful at the end.

As you know, you'd wanted her to stay at your brother's ... but she insisted on going with you. It was her choice to do that, and to insist.

It's my opinion that her meaning at the end, in "I should never have come here", was that she'd made a bad decision ... she should have followed your advice and stayed at your brother's.

Sort of like, "Oh, darn! I made a bad decision, that time!".

It was your Mom who decided that she was going to go with you to that high elevation.

I hope that you can look at the situation in that light.

I'm sure that it will relieve your guilt feelings a great deal.

Not only that.

It could have been that your Mom would have died at that time, or near it, had she been at your brother's ... or slightly later.

Or even had she stayed at home.

As it was, you had those happy days together.

I think that what you did was caring and considerate, made in love for the various members of your family.

Also, I hope that you choose to share the rest of the story with the others in the family. Sooner or later.

But not to make a big thing of the matter that you've left unsaid previously.

It seems to me that your Mom's statement reflects more of an opinion such as I expressed than the indication of deep fear, or anxiety.

And if she was blaming anyone, I'm sure that it was herself, for having made an unwise choice.

We often make bad choices in our lives.

Usually we don't have as serious a consequence as happened to your Mom.

But, as I said, she might have died at around that time, whether she'd been in different places ... we'll never know.

But please, please stop beating yourself up over this issue.

It's long gone. It's died - dig a hole and bury it.

((((Picky Shopper)))) who worries too much.

I rather think that you've been making something of a mountain out of what I won't say that I think to be a molehill ... but I think that you've made a great deal more of it than may well be the fact of the matter.

ole joyful
nickel_kg
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
(((pickyshopper))) You tell your story so well, it was so touching to read your words. You are part of a loving family. I'm glad "confessing" here helped you feel better.
Mickey15
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
((((pickshopper))))) andd ((((((cherryfizz)))))
paula_pa
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I don't agree that you should tell your siblings. I don't think you need to feel guilty about shielding them from the truth. The truth can't help them in any way that I can see. I think it's been hard for you not to tell them because it was difficult to watch your mother pass like that and it would help you to be able to share that with someone, which is why I'm glad that you shared it here. Sharing it with your siblings now after five years is just going to tear open an old wound for everyone.

I think things are meant to happen and it was just her time.
patti43
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with joyfulguy. I think your mother meant that she should have stayed at your brother's, as you suggested. I'm sorry your children had to witness their grandmother's death and that you and your DH had to lose her like that.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm glad she got to see your brother one last time--and YOU made that possible. Bless you!
pattico_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think that you should feel good for what you did.....Just think...had you not taken her to see your brother...she would never have gotten to see him again.

And how wonderful of you to let your other siblings believe that she went peaceful, in her sleep. You may have carried the load but you made it easier on a lot of others. I believe you did the best thing all around.

patti
susanjf_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
the only regret i have, was trying to shield my adult children, and insisting my mother had one last xray, which was extremely painful for her...

yet they were adults and could have visited my mother anytime... in fact, i didn't call dh until she'd passed...i guess it was so traumatic when my dad died, i didn't want anyone to go thru the same thing...

at least your mom was in one of the most beautiful spots in the world, and not a dreary nursing home...
Kathsgrdn
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with everyone else, and you were with her at the end. My mom died the night before me and my kids were going to see her. I hadn't seen her in five years. To make it worse, I had totally forgotten about Mother's Day. I usually send a card at the very least and usually flowers too. That year nothing. I called to let her know I would take her out to lunch since I was so forgetful, well, I never made it home in time.
amicus
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you all so much for your very caring responses. Initially I did feel very guilty that I hadn't put my foot down about my mother staying at my brother's while we went on the side trip. But my siblings helped me get over that by telling me the same thing you have all told me, that the time and place of your death happens where it was meant to and I should't feel guilty that she died because I'd taken her to Arizona.

I also know my mother well and realize that her last words weren't meant to make me feel guilty. I believe she sensed she was about to die and her words "Oh no, I should never have come here" were because she was the most considerate person I knew, and the last thing she would have wanted, was to die right in front of her grandchildren. So I think her words were just regretting the possibility that her choice to come with us might result in exactly that. I was able to absolve myself of any guilt about the where and when shortly after her death. The guilt I'm still carrying is exactly what bestlawn said, it's guilt for the lie I've been telling for the past 5 years about HOW she died.

My siblings think she had just started her nap and then passed away. That is what I told them because I just didn't see a reason to let them know that she was still awake and suddenly got very panicked and fearful in the moments before she died, sensing what was about to happen. Bestlawn, you are very astute in realizing that the topic will come up every year when we reminisce about our mother. It seems someone always ends up saying "Well I'm so happy mom died taking her nap instead of in pain or afraid or anything."

Those of you who are urging me to tell my siblings the truth, I know have heartfelt hopes that doing so will finally bring me relief. I thank you for that, but I just don't think I can ever bring myself to reveal the truth because it would serve no purpose other than to release my guilt about the lie. It would only put painful images in their minds that they don't have now, thinking she passed so peacefully. It's not worth it to me to cause any sorrow to 4 people so I can feel better. So I purged my guilt here because I have come to know you all as such a warm and compassionate group of people. I hoped you would not mind serving as my 'substitute siblings' because you would not be personally affected by my confession, in the same way as my real siblings would be.

Your responses have touched me and shown how deeply you all understand my need to release my burden. I really feel so much better after revealing the truth, and think I'll feel o.k. this year when someone inevitably brings it up. I know that I'm only one among many who carries some extent of guilt regarding the passing of a loved one. Cherryfizz and susanjf, my heart goes out to you as well. I don't post too often but read this forum every day. I know I'm not alone in appreciating how great it is to have such a welcoming place to come when you need to share your feelings. Bless you all.
popi_gw
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
As distressing as this time was for you, I think you should be really happy that you were there, with your dear mother, when she died. This is a really special moment.

Even though she was distressed, momentarily, the last thing she saw was your face. I am sure that this would have been most comforting for her.

Try to reprogram your brain, with the positives in the situation. Its not good for you to carry around guilt and grief.

Life is about creating happy memories.

My mother died on her own, and I think it would have been really special to have been there holding her hand.

P
Pieonear
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Picky, I'm so sorry. I do think you gave your Mom a wonderful gift by taking her to see your brother and for some reason she was meant to go on that extra trip with you.

I was with my Mom when she passed away back in the spring. I am still haunted by the look on her face. She was a strong Christian woman, but she had the most horrible, frightened look on her face. I still wonder if it was what she was seeing or what.
shay13
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Pickyshopper,
I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mother this past Nov 3. I haven't read any of the responses, but one thing you said has haunted me a little. My mother also was having heart problems, she had a heart attack 3 yrs ago, followed by emergency triple bypass. The cardiac surgeon also said she needed a heart valve replacement because 35 years of taking rheumatoid arthritis medication had severely damaged the valve. But at the time they just did the bypass. This year my mothers heart valve began to give her problems but the cardiac surgeon said she the surgery was too risky in her condition. She began to have congestive heart failure which they were treating her for medically. She was doing better and the surgeon even said he thought she had 1-2 years to live as she was without the heart valve replacement. However, she began to have black outs, she would feel them coming on and begin to panic. She always came to after a few minutes with no seemingly ill effects. After thorough examinations by the cardiologist and neurologists they determined that she was passing out due to lack of oxygen. They put her on oxygen, but she was still passing out at least once a day. I took her back to the doctor and they basically said that was all they could do for her. Because she panicked when she felt the episodes beginning, I asked the doctor if there was something they could give her to relieve the anxiety so she wouldn't panic (especially because she would start gasping for breath) from being so anxious when she felt as though she was going to pass out. To make a long story short, the very next day when she began to feel like she was passing out, I immediately gave her the anti-anxiety med. She never came to from the black out. I called the ambulance immediately, but she was already gone. It hasn't even been a month yet, I am still wondering every day if the anti-anxiety med was the cause. I too feel guilty, not knowing if it was and also because I, not my siblings, was there with her. I would be curious to know which anti-anxiety med your mother was prescribed, my mother was prescribed Ativan.
So sorry for your feelings of guilt, I hope you can be comforted in knowing that your mother really did not mean what she said, she just said that because she was in a panic.
sjarz
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My dear girl, you tried numerous times to get your Mom to stay behind and only take part in the less taxing parts of the trip, as you said, she wouldn't take no for an answer.
Give yourself a hug and forgive yourself for what you perceive as your fault, your Mom is at peace now and it's time you were , too!
Suzan J
dirt_yfingernails
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I totally agree with Joyful. Personally, I think she regretted her decision because she passed away in front of the children and put an additional burden on you. Take comfort in the knowledge that she died near those she loved, not alone somewhere, and that she got to see your brother again. I'm sure that meant the world to her. It was just her time and as I've observed many times, when it is a person's time to go they can get panicked. If you don't feel it is right to share with your siblings, please don't. You know them best. But please give up your guilt if you can. You did your best, she did it her way, and you've got years of happy memories to sustain you.
grittymitts
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
My heart aches for what you're still going through after all this time, but I don't believe there's a single person on this earth who's lost a beloved family member and can't find guilt for something or other. (I should have seen them more. done more for them, etc.)

You gave her a very special gift when you took her to see your Brother, and GOD chose that time to call her home.

IMO, you have done the right thing in protecting your siblings from Mother's last moments. Put your guilt away by about writing yourself a reminder note to tell them in 2022 or whatever year you choose. Tuck it away out of sight. When guilt washes over you, remind yourself that it's been put away for now.

If you still feel guilty when that time comes and feel you need to tell them you can- time has a way of healing torn hearts.

Suzi
bestlawn
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You are so considerate of them and wise to look at it the way you do. As long as you feel better and can let it go, that is all that matters. So now when they ask and want to talk about it, just smile and know in your heart you have already told the !right! people. You're free now, aren't you.
amicus
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
popi, both myself and my siblings are so happy my mother did not die alone. But I did feel awful at first that even though I was right there, the last thing she saw was my panicked face, and I wasn't even holding her hand, which probably would have been so comforting to her. My DH had stepped out into the hall momentarily to prop our door open so the paramedics would find us easily when they arrived. So I was alone with 2 crying kids and desperately trying to talk to the 911 operator. I planned to comfort her right after I got off the phone, not realizing that her last moment of life was passing in front of my eyes. Had I known that, I would have held her and said "I love you so much Mom, you were the best mother ever" instead of kind of yelling at her "Try to relax Mom, the paramedics will be right here!" So don't feel too bad that you weren't physically there when your mother died, because even though I was, I wasn't actually comforting her as she passed. I think that's something we can't always control and I'm o.k with that now. She knew how much I loved her, your mother did too, and that's what really counts.

mammie, please don't worry that your mother was seeing something terrible because of the look on her face before she passed away. I think that some people are fortunate enough to just kind of lose concsciousness and then slip away without any awareness of anything about to happen. In my mother's case, she always hoped she'd just pass away in her sleep some day. So I believe the frightened expression was more of momentary fear of how she would pass, since she was obviously aware it was happening, and definitely not that she saw anything terrible at her moment of death.

shay13, my condolences for your mother's recent death, the pain will become less intense as time passes. I'm not 100% sure which anti-anxiety med my mother took because it was 5 years ago. I know that she took the pill to relieve her anxiety, and unfortunately she passed away before it kicked in, but I don't believe it CAUSED her death. I do have the pocket guide for perscription drugs and Ativan doesn't list any side effects like loss of consciousness or cardiac arrest. I believe the fact that your mother never regained consciousness after her last blackout was not related to you giving her the anti-anxiety medication. Remember that you didn't give your mother an overdose of it, and her doctor who perscribed it was aware it was to alleviate anxiety when she sensed she was about to pass out. So I doubt he'd prescribe something that would risk her not returning to consciousness afterwards. I didn't intend my post to stir up any sense of guilt in those of us who tend to second guess things about a loved one's death. To shay13 and anyone else, I no longer hold any guilt for anything related to my mother's actual death. My post was strictly related to my guilt from continuing to lie about it to my siblings. I just felt that if I was expecting you all to take the burden of guilt off my shoulders, I'd just give you the whole story of what happened.

We plan our regular visit to my sister's house between Christmas and New Year's. My other siblings that also live in Windsor all come over for a family gathering on Dec. 29th, because that's the day my mom passed away and we like to have a big crowd and play games and laugh, knowing how much our mom would love that. Just turning to all of you at the KT has really helped to relieve my guilt about lying to my siblings. I felt it would be much better to reveal the truth to a large number of people who could take the burden from my shoulders and throw it away for me, than to reveal it to four who would just place it upon their own. I'll let you all know how the visit goes, and Happy Holidays to everyone in case I don't post any other threads before then.
shay13
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thanks for your kind words,pickyshopper. I guess I was just feeling that the Ativan had caused some type of reaction or maybe it lessened her ability to breathe somewhat, therefore causing her heart to stop. I too was glad I was there with her (and for my Dad) because I only got to see her 5-6 times a year. I just happened to be visiting and helping take her to doctor's appts when it happened. It's just so "raw" feeling right now. I know that it is nothing I did, but I was so sure that the doctor was correct in saying she would be with us for 1-2 more years and my only regret was that we didn't have more time together. To everyone else,
treat your loved ones and tell them you love them as if this IS the last day you will ever see them.
fran1523
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You should not feel guilty. Your mother died doing what she wanted to do after having spent some time with her son. She was lying in a warm bed, and surrounded by people who loved her. The truth about death is that it is never completely peaceful. There is always some physical discomfort or anxiety attached. It was her time and she's gone. There was nothing you could do about it. Just be grateful that you were there with her and she wasn't home alone.
Pieonear
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Picky, you are such a sweet person. Thank you.

venting my guilt, extremely long

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