I have to agree that if a child has the opportunity to repeat the same bad behavior over and over, there is a lack of supervision. I also agree that some kids require more supervision than others. When you have a kid like that, and you know, you have to work harder. It's not the parents' fault that the kids is more difficult. But the fact that he/she is more difficult requires more, and different, strategies from the parents. I also agree this mother needs support in the form of other parents. She needs to get an idea of what behavior is within the range of normal, and what is not, and what other parents do to modify the behavior of their kids... normal and not so normal. I'm not sure online will be sufficient. There is nothing like having a good long chat with friends who are in the same place in life as you are. It doesn't help to blame, or even to diagnose sometimes. Doesn't matter why or how the child came to be more difficult that others. What matters is creative strategies to modify the behavior, and coping strategies for the parents who get worn out dealing with it. I have a 6 y/o DS who is difficult. He is the youngest of four, and I swear came into our family just b/c DH and I thought we had this parenting thing figured out and needed to be reminded we have a lot to learn. He is oppositional; he is defiant; he is difficult. I worry about it; I apologize for it; I even joke about it. But I do not deny it. My 15 y/o expresses the 6 y/o's attitude perfectly with this line, "I reject your reality and substitute my own." He does not take authority or instruction well. He will argue with almost everything. He can also be cooperative and respectful... getting it from him just takes a lot more effort and creative thinking than the other kids required. He forces a person to think outside the box... way outside! He exhibits the emotions and behaviors of any other 6 y/o, just amplified. On steroids. With greater zeal and stamina. While some kids will test the boundaries, learn and give up, DS will test and test and test and test... systematically looking for a weak spot or to wear a person down. He tries to negotiate everything, even when it doesn't make any sense to negotiate, when it's not even in his advantage. He just has to debate everything! Not just with me, with everyone. I read the description on that website for Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He fits it, although I'm not sure it interferes enough with school and life. It does sometimes, but not always. For example, third day of kindergarten he was removed from the school bus and I had to pick up him at school. The bus driver enforced a new rule that: kindergarteners sit together in the front, older grades sit with their grade going back the bus. My 6 y/o wanted to sit with his brother in 5th grade and refused to follow the rule or the driver's directions of where to sit. He argued with the driver, defied him, until an administrator was called to remove him from the bus. That day, it interfered with his life. He has not been back to the principal's office since. Now in first grade, about twice/month DS comes home with a comment in his agenda that he did not follow directions at some point that day. About 3 times this year he's had "silent lunch" (sitting at an isolated table) for not following directions. I believe his teacher to be fair, and I believe she likes him and does what is best for him. I've known her a few years and she's earned that from me. (Ironically, the bus driver eventually asked me for suggestions on how to handle the kid when he gets that way, I said sit him with his brother and let his brother work with him. It works. His brother knows what to say to make him think about his choices. So he did, and it works. Go figure.) I have had to learn (and teach DH and sometimes older siblings who watch him or work with him on some task). I know what will trigger inappropriate behavior. Stress, new situations, and frustration are all sure ways to bring it out. So that first week of kindergarten, something was bound to happen. I explain it to DH like this. Think of how you feel, as an adult, when you are thrown into a new situation. It seems like everyone else around you is very competent and familiar with the tasks. You, though, have no idea what to do and even what questions to ask. That is how DS feels every day. He wants to get it right, but has no idea how, so he acts out to release the stress that causes. As the youngest in the family, it probably looks to him like everyone else knows what to do, and he's useless. So I give him tasks and don't let the other kids step in and do it for him. He needs to feel competent and valued. I talk about what to expect from a situation, I have to remember that even though I've taught this lesson three times already, I haven't taught it to him. (I can forget that.) My new phrase with him lately is "People don't like it when you act that way." Or variations on it, "People won't listen if you talk that way." If he starts debating for the sake of gaining control, being in control, I tell him that. So far it is actually helping. He stops and thinks about the way he is acting. He'll even rephrase what he wants to say in a better way, a way that others will listen to. My next step is to make a behavior contract for him. I'm working it out in my head, then I'll put it on paper. I want to list behaviors that I expect from him: following directions the first time; doing homework in X amount of time (not dragging it out with complaints); following the rules in a game; obeying house rules like 20 mins computer time limit. I'll give points (0 to 3) based on how well he met the expectation. Never, sometimes, usually, always. And a reward (or lack of) based on the points each day/week. There are kids who behave worse than DS. I mean, I can take him in public. Usually. ;o) He is just more difficult than the average kid. I don't like to send him to play at a friend's without me b/c I know he will sooner or later defy that adult. He does not obey without some compelling reason. "Because I'm the grown up" carries almost no weight with him. Even with a compelling reason, he will try to negotiate. It's almost like a compulsion to oppose. He could tell me for 30 minutes he needs to use the bathroom when we're out. I finally find one, and send him, and he'll refuse, "I don't have to go now." Just b/c I told him to go. He'd stand there and pee his pants and deny that he has to go the whole time. He could be sweating til he's soaked and when someone says "It's hot," he'll insist it's cold. Dozens of times every day there is some debate like that. Now, I'm saying "People don't like it when you act that way." He also knows that when I start counting down, I'm done hearing his arguments, I'm not listening. I give him a direction, he might refuse to follow, I start counting backwards starting with what I think is a reasonable time to comply. Just doing that triggers something in him, flips a switch almost, to shut off the opposition. In fact, especially in a public place or he's too far away for me to shout at him to hear me, I hold up my fingers and start counting down 10 to 0 that way. He is mentally exhausting. He is a handful, I know it. I don't know what/if I "made" him that way. I don't do things knowingly to contribute to it. DH was home with him recently and had to leave to get other kids somewhere. DS refused to put on his shoes b/c they weren't the ones he wanted to wear, couldn't find what he wanted. DH called me on my cell phone saying DS was having a tantrum, refused to get up and out the door. I just said "How big is he? How big are you? Pick him up, put him and the shoes in the car, stop talking to him, and he'll get is act together before you arrive." He did. And the 15 y/o told me later, "Mom, that's what I told Dad to do!" LOL! Sometimes this kid can just wear a person's mind down until you cannot think anymore. That is exactly what he is going for! So I push myself to resist, knowing it will get worse if I don't. I'm in charge, I act like it. The other kids just did not challenge it as much (at least so far). This one... ay yi yi! He spends more time challenging me about doing a task than the task takes when he finally just does it. I tell him plainly, "I'm not changing my mind. You will not win this." And I stick to it. I do b/c I know if I don't, there will be chaos and anarchy. Sorry so long. I'm just want to say, a parent HAS to have other parents to talk to. To debrief, compare notes, vent, brainstorm... That's how you know if your child's behavior is something other have dealt with and how, or if you've got something extreme on your hands. I think my DS is still within the range of normal, but he's at the "difficult" end of the range.

My son studied on his own, so did most of his friends. It depends on what type of student your child is. Have your child do anearly test to get a baseline and see how well he/she does, and what areas they need to work on. The ACT will send you a break down (or have it on-line) so you know which sections your child needs to work on. My son got a 33 on his first test so he was pretty much done. The prep classes worked best for kids who initially scored below 28. Kids who scored higher than that on their initial test did not see any significant improvement using the ACT class provided by the school. A few students who scored 28 and then took the class lowered their scores. After taking the baseline test, try for one of the tests in the fall so there is plently of time for a prep class or independant study, go over the results with your child to see what they need to work on. It really isn't worth investing in the class until you know if it will be any help. Most kids felt the class helped most with the math or science sections, with their reading speed (for slower readers), or just with little tips on how to handle stuuf you don't know how to answer. It does seem like there is not enough time to answer all the questions, but there is. My son is a meticulous reader so he is a bit slow when he reads. I had him get a practice book from the library and do a practice test from each section, timed to see if he could finish. He finished every section with time to spare. The same happened when he took the test. I hope this helps. Sorry if it is rambling, it is 6:30AM here and I have not had any coffee yet! Oh, I forgot about the new writing section. Some kids did feel that the class helped them with the essay. My son did not score well on the essay, nor did most of his friends who take honors or AP language arts classes. The kids who took the college prep level classes scored better on that part of the test.

callmerae, I got interrupted, so I'll continue... About treating kids the same. The kids are different, I'm the same. One child could have a strong willingness to please, and that child would be very sensitive to punitive treatment and be very hurt. Whereas another child may have experienced a lot of turmoil in their young life, and be somewhat immune to punishments. (punishment was never in my parenting dictionary) What may benefit one child, may not benefit another. One child will be more insecure than another--I think that you need to be aware of the child to the extent that you are able to help a child. For instance, if an older child doesn't brush their teeth, you wouldn't handle the same behavier (or lack thereof) as a much younger child. What I mean to say is that I believe in logical consequences. I also believe in asking for forgiveness when I realize I've been wrong. That still happens. I also learned to take my time and think things through before I would make up my mind about something. My kids and I had an agreement that before they would come to me about something--that they needed to have all their facts. I couldn't make decisions if I didn't have all the facts. Of course, I'm now talking about older kids. Sometimes I would ask my kids what they thought should be done. I would let them choose their own consequence. They liked that, and it was fine with me. Guess what! It worked. If my kids didn't clean their room, I closed the door. The room would get so messy that I finally would call them into the room and say, OK--I'll help you. Then I would sit there and just point to something and say, OK, now put that away. I might have done a little--but just enough to let them know they had help. That's how so many things got done around our house. I helped them and they helped me. Sometimes things didn't get done in a timely fashion--but stuff got done--and years go by and who gives a good gosh darn. Your relationship with the children and your husband is much more important than any household chore. Believe me!!! Sometimes I would sit at the table at night trying to figure out how I could get them to feel like a part of things. Some ideas worked, most didn't. LOL But you see where I am going with this. The kids have to see how they fit into the picture--how they can predict what's going to be happening. They need to know that they matter. I sure didn't always do what my kids wanted--good grief. But there were lots of things that they were able to have some input. They liked that a whole lot!!! Callmerae, I think that we assume our kids know what we mean, when so often there are words that they don't understand. This is especially true with the ages in your home (and younger). Another thing...when you talk to a kid, be in front of them--kneel to be at their eye level, or sit together at the table, or put their buts down on the kitchen counter. But be at their eye level. Look them in the eyes. My one kid was very short, he used to set himself on the counter--did for years. Maybe it made him feel better. Now some people would feel threatened by that. I never did. When my kid got himself up on the counter to talk to me--I knew he meant business. LOL (an old lesson) Talk to them in a way that they know you are--being funny, being silly, being serious, being angry--but communicate. Don't call out orders or reminders from a distance. Get their attention. If you think you are being ignored--tell them so, in a nice way. Ask a child to tell you back what it is that you want of them--not in a punitive way--but because you want to be sure you are communicating. Most of all, make sure you are giving them positive attention every day. Don't assume that children appreciate you--and don't expect it. If they should, then you know that child is very sensitive. But just don't expect a child to understand the turmoil you are feeling, or appreciate the fact that you are at odds with the dad, AND children shouldn't not be hearing about private matters between you and your husband. Don't forget, the way you and your husband talk to each other will be mirrored by your children in the future. You are teaching them the tools they'll have to fall back on when they are older. When a kid does something right, or listen to you, or says thank you, whatever--always acknowledge their appropriate behavier. Say thank you often. When you have to say no, say it as kindly as you can--and don't repeat it. Let your no be no and your yes be yes. You may not agree with your husband. Perhaps if he sees that you are giving of yourself--as I already know you do!, he will come around. He has to think about it. Continue to learn and improve. Best to you.

I lost my first post...I guess I needed to think my reply over, but it does make me upset to learn about this situation. They happen too frequently. First it is tragic for that child. Then it is also tragic for the Gramdma for the reasons already posted. The future does not look bright for that child. This is what I think: 1.Grandma is "reacting" to the situation. Most likely it has been a "situation" ever since the pregnancy began. (Bad start) 2.She may not realize that she still has the responsibility to raise HER son to be a responsible adult and father of that child. 3. There are steps that MUST be taken to improve the quality of that childs life and maybe SHE has not seen the contribution and the DIFFERENCE that she can make by continuing to help her son to grow up. Otherwise...well, we have added two more lost souls to our society. 4. The young man should be gently persuaded to spend a set amount of time interacting with his daughter. Feeding, stacking blocks, reading...what ever...one on one...quietly TOGETHER. Maybe 15 minutes at first...increasing each day or as often as possible. He should not get a 'free pass'. He (CARE LESS LY) created this child and if she is 'just another "carelessly created human being" she should be in a different home. I feel very strongly about the responsibility of this older generation. Some of us (over 50's) didn't do the best job raising OUR kids; and our kids are doing a worse job raising more un-cared-for little human beings. Not all, for sure; but too many. Most of the posters have focused on nutrition...and while it IS important; the well being of the child...the lack of "caring" that I hope I have mis-read is so much more disastrous. BTW Fifty-five is NOT to old to be raising grandchildren! Grand Parents are doing it by the thousands every single day. I know them. I have seen them. I am lucky that I have not been one of them, but I am so proud of the contribution I have made to the lives of my grand kids and the rewards are SO very worth the effort is takes to change the the "situations" and "directions" that some young parents are simply not equipped to navigate....and extended (as in close grandparents) families are a thing of the past. BOTTOM LINE IS....create the environment for that child that she is entitled to have for as many minutes..moments...hours..days as you can. With DADDY as much as you can. IF anyone has a child for more (or less) than15 minutes...it should be the BEST 15 minutes of its day (or life). Children deserve to know that when they enter the room, they are the most important part of your day. (Maya Angelou said that!) Stepping down from my soap box.