Believer, does you 20 year old DD get your SD anything?

Generally this holiday drives me nuts, for this very reason. I don't think anyone should be made to give gifts and you really *don't* know her budget. Well and she may not even feel that your children are her family or particularly close to them, especially if you have avoided visiting. Why should she send anything to people she doesn't know? Also, you have problems with her family...maybe she has problems with yours?

About the myspace posting, I gathered your son posted about her children as well? It seems to me she responded to that, neither was very mature but people do get defensive about their children. Something it seems you are doing right now.

Nivea, I agree, and I would use this as a teaching moment with my son, and tell him that if you critize people on myspace, they may come back at you.

I suspect that SDs do not regard their Step brothers and sisters as family. Dont force it.

nivea.....my DD20 gets my SD10 birthday and Christmans gifts. My DD20 is in school full time working part time. She is still living at home. My DS16 doesn't by for her, should he? My DD2, do you think she should? does not buy for my SD30, her husband or their 2 children. We do send the birthday and Christmas presents as a family. I just finished getting their "family package" ready for mailing. Their is something in it for everyone in SD30's family.

I have tried to "befriend" her. I have emailed her, she is very busy and doesn't respond well to that. I have problems with the fact that she lets her kids run wild and I can't take it.When the pictures on the wall have to be straightened because of how fast the kids run through the house then something should be said. I like her kids, I don't like how they are parented. I don't like how when you are there it all about the kids. If you have a conversation with an adult it is over the load voices of yelling and screaming kids. If you think that is ok thats your opinion. I hand pick her birthday gifts and the gifts for her kids. When she was her for our wedding she didn't even speak to my oldest daughter.

She had made the same comment about the kids driving her nuts on the phone with me before the trip happened.

My step daughter 33 sends gifts to my step daughter 10 because she feels that SD10 is now part of her family. I guess my SD33 has a more generous heart. She doesn't know my SD10 well at all but wouldn't thing of having a package for Christmas arrive with a gift in it for everyone except her.

Yes I am being defensive about my children. Why should they be left out?

kkny....My son is 16 she is 30.

If my children didn't treat my SD10 as family I would be very hurt. I treat SD30's children as family. What the hell? Now step brothers and sisters aren't family? So as a step daughter the 30 year old isn't my family? Who makes up these rules? How about if I tell my SD33 to stop treating my SD10 as family?

I'm thankful that I raised my SD33 to be a kind and loving person. Obviously SD30 wasn't. Should my kids ever slight their SS10 I will speak up. It isn't right and I won't let it happen without saying anything.

If SD30 has a problem with me because my health can't take her kids (doesn't sound like hers can either) then so be it. I think the next trip to be taken in our family will be me and my kids going to see their sister. The trips are at about a 0 to 6 ratio right now. It's too bad that SD30 doesn't see us as family. Her dad and sister are flying out their to see her on our dime. I guess we are family enough for that.

Hi Believer,
A little clarification please? You've been married three years? And you have six children?

SD - 33
SD - 30
SD - 10

DD - 20
DS - 16
DD - 2

silver

SD33 is from 1st marriage. She and I remain very close I would prefer not to us the "step" when it comes to her. She lived with her father and I for 13 years. She is the first child of my heart. She lives in Ar. with new husband and my new step grandson 4 1/2. Thrilled to be a grandmother. His bio grandparents are not involved in his life.

SD30 is my 2nd, current and last husband's daughter from a relationship in his teens. She is married, has a 6 year old boy and a 4 year old daughter.

SD10 is my husband's daughter. Her biomom is deceased. She is the 1/2 sister to his older daughter 30. She lives with us.

DD20 is my daughter from 1st marriage. She lives with us while going to school full time and working part time.

DS16 is my son from my 1st marriage.

DD2 there is not one unless I have had a lapse in memory...she must be a type O.

* Posted by believer (My Page) on
Wed, Dec 10, 08 at 11:24

"nivea.....my DD20 gets my SD10 birthday and Christmans gifts. My DD20 is in school full time working part time. She is still living at home. My DS16 doesn't by for her, should he? ***My DD2, *** do you think she should? does not buy for my SD30, her husband or their 2 children."

I think maybe it should have read DD20?

Thanks for the clarification!

Believer,

The MySpace thing is common. I agree with Nivea and KKNY: "...use this as a teaching moment with my son, and tell him that if you critize people on myspace, they may come back at you."

We've all said things like he did at one time or another, and I can see his point (I'd want some entertainment/zone out space too!) but when people say things on public forums it's out there for anyone to comment on. He either should make his page private and adjust his settings or not speak ill of his family on that page. I think it's a good lesson. And she's right, he's young, and he'll live through it. She could have seen it as being mean to her kids, or been in a bad mood and taken it a little harsher than intended. That's the problem with the internet, one never knows when the other person is being funny/smiling or being mean/frowning. It sometimes takes a lot to clear up very simple misunderstandings that would not have occurred had they happened IRL.

I would be hurt too, about the gift thing. It's hard to see someone being left out/mistreated. I would not say anything to SD30. If SD10 is hurt, explain to her that she has a lot of other people who love her, and people show love in different ways. Keep sending gifts to SD30 and her kids. You can't base giving a gift on getting a gift. Maybe just put a little less effort into buying her gifts this year. Gift cards are great! Easy to pack, cheap to mail, very little effort.

Does SD30 buy for your son? Who gets gifts from her?

Personally, I think the holidays are about the kids. Slighting a 10 year old is mean. It's inexpensive to buy her something she will like. Lip gloss, a t-shirt, a book... I could go on and on. All under $10. I think the kids can send gifts to one another if they like to, but that those who are older should make the effort to be kind to the younger. Even a funny card with a couple bucks... So easy.

Silversword,

I think Believer is saying that SD 33 slighted Believers children, DD 20 & DS 16. SD 10 does get a gift from SD33 and SD 10 is Believers husbands child from a different marriage, so they are half sisters and presumbably closer.

Believer, I think if your DD20 expects a gift, she should give one. She is an adult and a gift doesn't have to mean money, bake cookies or something! But to feel slighted over not receiving a gift but not giving one is just odd to me.

Additionally, I don't see how you can make a grown woman with a family give gifts to people who don't give them to her or her family. Just as you see your DD20 not being able to afford to give to everyone, your SD33 probably cannot. Times are tough and she is married with two young children, she probably has to budget for her family and her husbands. Of course if she is not close to some "family" members and cannot afford, she should not give it. But I don't think its really anyone's place to judge anyone else, especially when the same people do not do it for her.

Also, when I was a kid we were expected to start giving our own gifts as teens. Whatever that meant, baking cookies, saving our own money from allowance and jobs and buying gifts.

I am curious though, Believer..what does this holiday mean to you? Does your DD 20 visit your SD or call on her own? Do they have any type of relationship whatsoever?

Hi,
This is how I understand it:

The SD33 gives gifts (not bio related to DH or OP)
The SD30 does not (bio related to DH)
The DD20 does not get gifts nor send gifts (bio to OP)
The DS16 does not get gifts nor send gifts (bio to OP)
The SD10 does not get gifts nor send gifts (bio to DH and SD30)

"My step daughter 33 sends gifts to my step daughter 10 because she feels that SD10 is now part of her family...My SD33 has remembered my SD10 for every Christmas and birthday since I married."

"Since the she and husband have purchased 3 new cars and 3 ATV's. I don't think money is the issue. She could at least sent a $10.00 girt card don't you think?"

You may be right, SS. But I got this from it "For the 3rd Christmas in a row my husbands eldest daughter has ignored my 2 children when it comes to Christmas presents. Granted, my DD is 20 but when my husband and I married DD was 17. His eldest daughter has never acknowledged my children's birthdays either." Note my 2 children.

I don't really know now the specifics, LOL...so confused. But my sentiments still stands, you should not demand anyone to give gifts..especially when the intended recipients don't give either.

The myspace thing is a non-issue in my book. Haven't you ever said something similar eh, you'll live to someone complaining about a relatively minor annoyance, like having to endure a car ride with some kids? I know I have, without a second thought, and with no intention to be mean or snarky. Keep in mind there is no tone of voice, facial expressions, body language on the internet to help interpret the intended connotation. It's *possible* it was intended in a not-very-nice way, but not necessarily the case, so why assume the worst intention?

As for the gifts, my youngest brother (11 years younger than me) most certainly did get gifts for me and the other older sibs when he was a teen. Expensive? of course not, but selected and purchased by him with his own money, yep. (by the time he was 20, he had been inducted into the no gift exchange between adult siblings the rest of us had formed in our late teens, so at that point, he neither gave nor got). So, according to the gift-giving customs I recognize and have lived under, if your teenage kids expect to get gifts from their new stepsister, they should also be buying gifts for her.

Now, that's my family, and there's absolutely no reason yours has to be the same, and it would be really unfair of me to try to impose my familial gift-giving customs on you. But isn't that what you're trying to do to her? SD33 was raised by you, so she understands the rules of family according to believer. SD30 was raised in a different family (even if you are a part of it now), most likely with different customs.

If the gift-giving and recognizing occasions is something you feel is really important to your blended family to agree on, you and/or DH ought to just talk to her about it. Unfavorably comparing her to SD33 (hint, hint, here's what **my** daughter did, why don't you be more like her?) is only going to breed resentment.

Silver.....SD10 receives gifts from her half sister, my SD30. SD10 also receives gifts from my SD33, for Christmas and her birthday. My DD and DS do not receive either Christmas nor birthday gifts or cards for SD30. They do from their half sister, my SD33. SD10 doesn't get slighted. She gets gifts from everyone, her father and I of course, her grandmother, her half sister, her Aunts and Uncles and cousins on her mother's side ( mom is deceased ) her grandparents on her mom's side, both step and bio.

My children receive gifts from my husband and myself and their half sister. DH's mother always sends them a gift card for their birthday and Christmas and I make sure that they either send a thank you note or an email. I also thank her myself for including my children.

My children receive nothing from my two brothers for either their birthdays or Christmas. Since I stopped doing Christmas at my house that as stopped on both sides. They receive about $25.00 for Christmas and birthdays from their father. I expect that to end for my son since he will not see his dad. My children have NEVER received anything from their dad's side of the family even though I made sure that their children ( 4 of them total ) had gifts for 14 years.

My children we 13 and 17 when my DH and I married. Evidently not considered family by husband's oldest daughter. It is funny that my SD33 has considered my SD10 family though.

The myspace thing ticks me off because the SD30 that responded to it said the same thing to me, that my son had posted on myspace, on the phone before they made the trip. She admitts that her kids are uncontrolled. It is not a family secret. Great Grandma, grandpa even the children's' parents talk about how uncontrollable the kids are. I don't think she should have responded that way to something that she herself said. My son was basically quoting her.

Here us an example of the way she does things with her kids.....they got to the coast and it was cool. The ocean water was cold but the kids wanted to go in and swim so she let them. They did not have suits, no change of clothes. They cried because they were so cold. She showered them off and they cried throughout that and all the way home. My SD10 was included in this. Not wise thinking IMO but then everything with these kids is this way. If they want it they get it. If they want to do it they do it. Period. I refuse to "like" that type of attitude and I don't like having to unteach my SD10 when she comes home from a visit where she is allowed to run wild.

Whoa. Sorry Nivea, I'm way confused.

Believer,

Your kids are 16 and 20 and you're upset that they don't get gifts? IMO, get over it. Sounds like your family doesn't send a lot of Christmas gifts. I stopped getting gifts from many of my relatives when I became a teenager.

Getting wet at the coast sounds like poor planning. I can understand the "un-teaching". I have to do it when my dd comes home from her dad's 2-3 times a year. Spoiled beyond recognition. It's awful. I empathize. But I think her relationship with her father is important too, so I go through it time and again.

Kids quoting adults and getting in trouble for it. Don't do as I do, do as I say. I agree it's not fair, but it's reality. Your son should not have said anything on there that he didn't want her to read. Kind of like the whole "I can call my mama a _________ but you'd better not say nothin' about my mama!" scenario.

Beleiver, I hear you have frustation.

It seems that SD33, who actually lived with you for a number of years, is closer to your children. That is understandble.

SD30 doesnt feel close to your chidlren, but does feel some connection with her fathers other child. She may also feel sorry for a child whose mother died. I would. Understandable.

It also seems to me that you are overprotective re the myspace thing. It doesnt seem like that big a deal.

You dont have to like how SD30 is rasising her children, but that doesnt give your son free rein to put them donw on myspace. As to whether SD10 is allowed to visit, that is up to you and DH.

According to Miss Manners, giving a gift is entirely at the discretion of the giver, and being upset because someone didnt give one is extremely uncouth. No one should ever expect a gift. A gift is always supposed to be without strings.

As for how another person raises their child, if it bothers you, stay away. I doubt any of us were/are perfect parents, and its certainly not anyone elses business to pass judgment on our skills, or lack thereof.

Once again, you cant control what other people do, only your own reaction to it. No one can change anyone else. If you let yourself be angry and upset at things you cant change, then its only you that gets hurt. I just hope you dont poison other people with your resentment

No need for sorry, SS. LOL, I don't think either one of us got it right!

none of my steps bought for my kids or their kids. i chose to ignore it, the kids didn't notice it.

Thank you all for setting me straight. Especially kathline. You seem to always hang back until you can get the head shot. Miss Manners..........I am upset because my kids aren't treated the same as my SD10 is. I could care less if I get a gift.

I am proud that my SD33 is kind enough to include my SD10. I think this has all been a bit misconstrued. I won't ever bother trying to clear it up. I get the message. You think SD30 is doing the right thing. You assume that she can't afford to include my kids. I know their financial situation but some of you ladies know more that I do. My kids have no reason to feel left out, a family package just doesn't mean them. They were 13 and 17 when this started but hey....they are 16 and 20 so big deal.

Silver....get over it? Thank you for your understand. I won't soon forget that. I'm surprised.

So I'm unrealistic, selfish and oh yes.....uncouth. LOL

I do stay away from the kids....I wish it wasn't that way but being the uncouth woman that I am it is probably better for them that they are not exposed to me. To many people expecting you to behave like human beings and not wild animals can't be a good thing. I wonder how their teachers handle it. Or are they the only ones that can expect them to behave? Poor things.

kathline....educate me, in my uncouth state, on what Miss Manners would say about this type of behavior in children and parents who allow it. Or is it just the fact that I don't find it acceptable that bites your a$$? I think actually it is me that irritates you the most. Always has been.

My goodness.....How can I be so wrong about so many things.

believer,
can you just tell your SD that the kids feel slighted and ask her what her feelings about the situatiion are? Maybe she will talk to you if you ask her in a matter of fact way.

I don't get it, believer. What does it matter if she gets them a gift or not? Will it mean ~anything~ if DH does talk to her and then she starts getting them gifts? Because you know then she didn't do it because she wants to. And isn't that the point of a gift?

You still have not addressed why your children have not given her gifts either???? Why do you expect SD to get them gifts, when they do not get her or her family any?

It sounds like you don't like SD's kids very much at all. You really resent the way they are parented. I can see SD truly resenting you for this.

Ok, maybe "get over it" was kind of harsh. I didn't mean it to be harsh, so I'm sorry.

But, for the record, I don't think she's doing the right thing, I think she could be more giving. But I don't think you can do anything about it. I think 13 is old enough to understand that some people don't have good manners. That's what I mean. Don't work yourself up about it. It's not worth it.

My grandparents always gave my cousins gifts and never gave me gifts. Why? Because I lived far away. Yes, it hurt my feelings. I got over it. I still love them. I know they loved me. They just had a different way of showing it. It was hard to go and see my cousins get fun stuff with my grandparents, trips, camping, overnights, etc. I didn't get any of that. Children are not equal in relationships, with gifts, with anything. I think your kids are old enough to realize that. And yes, they were younger when it started, but so was your SD30 (now, so I'm assuming 27 then?). She probably wasn't raised with as good of a role model as your DD/SD33.

My step sister got way less gifts than I did at holidays because i had a bigger family. My mother would "steal" some of my gifts for her, then I would have to watch her playing them and send thank you cards for the gifts that weren't ever "mine"!!!

Gift giving is screwy. I hate what this season has become.

I believe silver's point I stopped getting gifts from many of my relatives when I became a teenager. is that many, if not most, people view teenagers more as miniature adults and less as small children when it comes to christmas gifts.

You expect that SD30 should buy your children gifts because they are now family. You do not expect that they should buy her gifts.

Do DS16 and DD20 buy each other gifts? If yes, and if SD30 is now family, why do you not expect them to treat her the same as they treat each other, and buy her gifts? If no, then why should SD30 be expected to give a gift to SD16, when DD20 is not?

I didn't see anyone say anything about assuming she can't afford it. Most of us just think it's odd to expect someone to purchase gifts for teens when the teens are not expected to reciprocate.

btw, I agree it would be *nice* if SD30 got gifts for all the kids, and it is *nice* that SD33 does, but I think that **expecting** it, and resenting that she does not is unfair. Especially if she does not even know it is expected.

Jesus. This is a confusing post! HAHAHAHA

Here's how we do it in our family. All the kids under 16 get presents from everyone. If you can't buy for all don't buy for none. The 16 year olds and over get chunked in the pot and we draw names. There are too many kids, grandkids and step children to do it any other way.

My family would NEVER slight the girls on Christmas, birthdays, etc.....never. They treat them the same as their blood nieces, nephews and grands. I bought a gift for my sisters bio-son age 7 and also her step son age 9. It would of been pretty cruddy of me to give one a gift and not the other. They live together too so it would of been hurtful to Z who isn't really "blood" but as far as I'm concerned he's still family.

It would go over like a led zeppellin if a step parent bought gifts for their biological children and not the step children. I guess it depends on the family and what their view of family is. If family means to you nothing more than sharing blood than fine....only do for the blood. In my family however family means a little more than that.

It isn't worth mentioning it to SD30 and becoming the evil step mother or worse yet hurting her feelings. It is correct that if I have to do that then whatever was given would not be a gift.

My teenagers do not buy her gifts. They have part time jobs and are paying for their car insurance, cell phones, gas, clothing and other things. Since we send them a rather generous gift as a family it never crossed my mind that the teenagers should also buy her a gift. As mentioned before, her father, my husband and his 10 year old daughter fly out there at least twice a year. That alone cost a pretty penny and could be considered a gift as well. Since we are still supporting my kids and one receives child support and social security you could say that they fly out there on what is partly my children's money.

I think her kids are adorable.....when I was there I swam with them, played with them etc. I do not like the fact that the parents, grandparents, (my DH included) do not monitor their behavior. It is not the children's fault. I would love to develop a closer relationship with them but find that their behavior is much to much for me to take. My DH feels the same way and they are his grand kids. I enjoyed very much picking out presents for them this year. I would love to be a better grand parent if things were different.

It doesn't matter that she doesn't give them a gift. It matters that she doesn't think of them.

I have told my DH also that the next trip taken will be me and one of my kids flying to see my step daughter 33. He and his DD10 have made 6 or more trips to Ca. since they moved here and neither I nor my kids have gone to see my SD33. (I hate using the step because I feel that you all see that as she and I not having a "real" mother daughter relationship. We do and I miss her terribly. So do my kids.)

I get the point ok. I'm being selfish because I want my kids to be treated the way the my SD33 treats my SD10. It isn't going to happen. My kids have always gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to family. I thought that when I remarried they would have a chance at having a family, I was wrong. It is hard for me to accept or understand why some people are blessed with so much and others with so little. Yes I know compared to so many we have many blessings but my kids have not had anyone in there lives that has stayed with them except me. I admit that I am envious of my SD10 and the many people that spoil her. My children have never had that and obviously never will. That's just the way it is. Hoping or praying that it would change with a new marriage hasn't made it so. We don't need to keep going over it. I get it.

I know you are hurting for your children. But bottem line -- you are envious of a 10 year old whose mother is dead. Your children have you. I understand that you want to stick up for your children, but I really think you should accept that many of SD10s relatives feel badly for her and let it go at that.

Believer, I don't think you're selfish at all. I think your feelings are natural. But I think you should let it go, because there is nothing you can do about it. It's awful to see kids get the short end of the stick. It would be great if they were all treated equally. I can understand the envy. It's hard to see some kids get more than others. But your kids have a loving mama who looks after them like a mama bear should. She doesn't have that in the same way, as wonderful of a SM as you can and will be.

I don't think anyone here disagrees with that :(

Believer,

I do agree with letting the myspace thing go. Let your son handle it.

Sometimes it is not about the gifts, but rather the idea that someone was kind enough to remember one family member, but not the other regardless of blood relation or not! I can really understand your frustration. My father in law (total turd) never remembers my daughter's birthday or at least has not in the three years she has been around. It is his biological grandchild, but he just does not get it. He always remembers my SS's birthday (also his biological grandchild) and calls and sends a card for him. It is not about the gifts as she has too many anyways, but rather is about the fact that he just does not care. When DH tells him that she just turned another year older he says oh yeah well she is too little to care. The last time he said well I have 8 grandkids ya know. I think that it is crap that he cannot find the time to at least call her or send her a card or something. When he sees her he could give a damn as well, but he is just kind of a weiner anyway.

My point is that I think Believer is just hurt that SD remembered gifts for some, but not others. I personally would not say anything to her, but I would tell my kids that some people are just not that considerate. Even if it was just a card it would have at least let your kids know that she is thinking of them during the holidays.

My advice is take the high road and say nothing. Encourage you children to learn from this and maybe make more of an effort to be closer with SD because maybe she truly does not feel close enough to them to consider them family.

Gifts aren't something that are owed to people or due to people, or that should be expected from someone. This is an excellent opportunity to teach that to your son. My SD doesn't buy gifts for anyone, however, she has also learned, no one buys for her either, except of course, her father.

Believer, I totally get this "It doesn't matter that she doesn't give them a gift. It matters that she doesn't think of them." And I'm sorry that your kids got the short end of the stick, that is crummy.

So is there a real relationship there between SD30 and your children? The doesn't think of them can go both ways. There are many more people in your childrens lives that have failed them. Its not up to SD30 to make up for that.

nivea....I had a wonderful response to yours. It was well written and covered things quite well....some how I lost it and don't care to try and repeat what was lost. I guess that is my cue to let it all go so I will. The end....:0)

WOW! I can't believe how a holiday so centered around making people happy can make people so miserable.

I despise what Christmas is! It's so far past what it was supposed to be. We should just rename it to International Day of Gift-Giving! It's supposed to be about the greatest gift ever given by a Father to his children and instead it's about selfishness.

Christmas isn't about Miss Manners. She doesn't dictate where I spend my money and who I spend it on. So I wouldn't take her into consideration at all.

ashley

I can understand why you might interpret my posting as selfishness. It really is about treating my children in a welcoming and family manner. That is how I feel and since I am the OP that is what this is all about. I was hoping for a family feeling for them and am greatly disappointed that they are excluded by my husband's oldest daughter at this time of year. As mentioned before, I have a SD33 from my 1st marriage that has treated my new SD10 as family. I wished the same treatment for my kids.

This time of year is a delicate balance of emotions. I celebrate and am so thankful for the gift of my Savior. We acknowledge that gift year round and especially at Christmas.

We give gifts to show our love and appreciation for one another. God has shown his love for us by giving his gift of his Son. The wise men gave their gifts to the Christ child. I love to give gifts. My SD30 and her family seem to really enjoy the gifts that I spend my time on for her and her family. She is fortunate that I do no think as she does or I would not make the effort to pick out such special things for her, her husband and their two children.

I received an email from her last asking if the gifts for my SD10 ( her sister ) and her father had made it to our house. That leaves out my two kids and me. I don't need a gift and my two kids don't need a gift but it would be really nice if she thought of us in that way.

I have been called selfish because I have expressed hurt feelings over how my children have been treated by their step sister. It is amusing to think that I would be thought of as such. I have mentioned on this site that I have been ringing bells for the salvation army 5 times this season. I take care of a neighbors lawn because he can't and he doesn't even speak to me. I give to charity, volunteer my time and have welcomed a 4 1/2 year old grandson and his dad into my life in the past few months. I would give my time and my money to any one that needed it and I am selfish for wanting my children to be thought of as family to my husband's oldest daughter. I do feel misunderstood and unfairly judged.

I do not hate this time of year. I love it.

Something else I wanted to add to this post. My SD33 loves my DH because I do, she loves my SD10 because I do. She sends them gifts on their birthdays and Christmas because that is how she was raised and because she wants to. That is the point.....SHE WANTS To. She would never send my children, her 1/2 siblings a Christmas gift and not include my SD10. That thought would never cross her mind.

Christmas is about Christ, it is about loving one another and it is about giving. A gift can be many things. What it shouldn't be is nothing.

believer, imho, you asked for advice here and are taking offense to folks who are just giving you their honest assessments and opinions. You don't have to agree with it, but perhaps you should consider that there is some validity to what is being said. Have you considered that you are applying a double-standard to SD30 than for DS16 and DD20? They could certainly give SD30 and her family an inexpensive gift. Do you think SD30 feels slighted and left out as "family" by them? Perhaps if your DS and DD buy small gifts for SD30 and her family, she will reciprocate, if not this year, then next year.
However, you may have to just accept that you can't "force" relationships. My DSSs 14 and 13 "usually" buy my DH birthday, Father's Day and Christmas gifts (I also purchase a gift from them to DH "just in case") but they have NEVER brought a gift (b-day, Christmas, Mother's Day) for me or my and DH's 2 DSs (their half siblings.) They obviously don't think of me that way, and I've been their SM for over 9 years and have a lot of wonderful "history" with them in their formative years. Sadly, that's just the way it is. Not all step-family relationships are this way, but many are. Although there certainly is nothing "fair" about it, the reality is, for the happiness of your marriage and your family, you may just have to be the bigger person and accept it. Since you apparently "are" a "believer" (as am I) perhaps you should ask "what would Jesus do?" and find your answer there. Best of luck to you.

Believer,
There are many posters here including myself who aren't judging you. All feelings are valid because they are yours.
I asked in an earlier post if you've spoken to your SD about your feelings. I think sometimes just going to the source and laying your feelings on the table can be greatly helpful. Try not to let your SD or anyone else take from you what Christmas means. What you focus on you move towards. Focus on God. Merry Christmas

Actually, nobody called you selfish. Some of us suggested that you might have unrealistic expectations of SD30, and be attaching too much meaning to the situation. There's a far cry from that to selfish. You seem to be very quick to take personal offense and get your feelings hurt. Why can you see that when you say "it never crossed my mind that the teenagers should also buy her a gift", you intended no offense to SD30, but you can't wrap your mind about even the possibility that her not thinking to buy your teens gifts intended no offense to them?

mollymcb....I take offense at what I believe to be harsh judgements made by people here. I read responses to other peoples situations and feel that they are judged harshly at times also. I may be reading nastiness into postings or reading between the lines, I admit that it is difficult to get an accurate reading on things at times. I wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to get my feelings hurt easily. I am very emotional at this time due to other things so although others may not consider that, I know that I can over react to little things and make mountains out of mole hills.

I have not considered that my teenagers give SD30 gifts. To me that doesn't make much sense, perhaps I am way off on that as well. Yes I know that my DD is 20 but she was a teen when we married.

I am not willing to discuss this with SD30. I feel that if I were to do that she would take it her grand mother, my MIL and a huge drama would ensue. I am not willing to be labeled the evil step mother. I would rather bring it here than to take it to her.

If people think that I am greedy because my feelings are hurt over something like this then they do so without knowing me. I do acknowledge that there are people here that understand my point of view.

I have been slighted many, many times in my life and so have my kids. I maybe just feeling sorry for myself and my kids. Having other people over look my kids is not something that I get used to. I know others don't see it that way. They seem to always be the invisible children. I just wanted to vent here as is the case with most people.

What would Jesus do? He would be understanding of my feelings. He would encourage me to move past them, which I am doing. He would want me to not cause others to feel as I do.

Things have escalated in another area of my life that puts the gift thing so far off that I really could care less. I have a concern for the life of DD20. She is suffering terribly with an issue explained on the parent forum. I'm not looking for attention in bringing that up I'm just letting you know that no gift matters to at this point. I may not have even posted anything about gifts if I wasn't falling apart due to her situation.

It is interesting to me however that SD30 has been told about our situation and has offered no comments to me about it. Whatever....she is just not that type of person I guess. I have other things to concern myself with.

I will continue to be as kind to her as always....again....I was venting.....I am try to get over it.

Beleiver,

I certainly hope i didnt come off as considering you selfish. I dont.

It sounds to me that you have stepped up to be a mother for the motherless SD10. But no matter how great a job you do, others will stil freel sorry for her. My dad died when I was 11. My mom did a great job raising 3 kids - she did the work of any two great parents. But still, everyone -- relatives, teachers, neighbors -- tried their best to make it up to me. Were they great? Yes. Would I rather have had my Dad around? yes. Please dont take their sympathy for this girl as saying that YOU arent doing a good job. Its just not a good situation.

Peace and Love.

kkny....thank you.

Believer - I'm so sorry I came off the way I did!

I was in no way calling you selfish. I was saying that your SD30 is selfish for not including everyone in the family. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I completely understand your feelings on this. I think that SD30 is being passive-agressive by talking to you about the gifts she got for others, but not getting any for you or your kids.

If it really bothers your kids, and they come to you about it, maybe you could say something like "I can understand where you are com;ing from, but you don't really send her anything, either, so she could have the same complaint as you, but if you want to send her something, we can certainly do that". That might help. But, if they haven't expressed those feelings to you, try not to transfer your personal feelings onto them.

Again, sorry for hurting your feelings.

believer, some people are just this way, not very considered of others. your SD is just this way. you cannot change her. i would not let myself to be upset. focus on the positive. take care of your own kids and don't worry about SD that much.

ashley...when my DH and I got married and his DD then 27 flew here with her husband for our little wedding she all but ignored my daughter then 17. My son has been out to Ca. with me once and then with my DH since the wedding and it has been the same thing. All of the conversation and attention is centered around the younger children. SD's 2, ages 4 and 6 now and my SD10, SD30's half sister. My kids are fed up with it. Three birthdays and Christmas's have passed without them being recognised along with being ignored during visits so it really is a done deal. I get tired of trying to explain to my kids why they should be expected to behave better than the adults that they come into contact with. All the while they see their 10 year old SS reverting back to 3 year old behavior and getting spoiled rotten. Not only does SD10 get taken care well by their mother and their half sister but she has the entire family on her father's side and her mother's side spoiling her. I do not exaggerate when I say that my sd10 has to be the center of every situation. Knowing her is the first time that I have seen a child jump up and down and pant like a dog right in some one's face to get attention and it is the first time that I have seen anything like that tolerated by any adult. My kids are quite sick of it.

My DS30's little dog passed away passed away Saturday and I sent her an email. I also picked up a card to send to her. I will continue to treat her as I would like to be treated and as I would want her to treat my kids. I doubt, however that she will think anything of it past the fact that it is about her.

Someone else had brought up the fact that people are probably feeling sorry for a little girl whose mother has died. How about feeling sorry for 2 kids whose father lives less than 3 miles form them and doesn't give a damn enough about them the be involved in their lives. At least if he were dead I could tell them that he would be here if he was able. They know he isn't there because he chooses not to. Why isn't there some one who thinks that is a sad enough cause to extent the hand of friendship over. No one feels sorry for my kids. After all my SD30's half sister benefits greatly from my commitment to her.

I appriciate greatly the sympathy and understanding that been affored me here. I am just worn out from the ignorance of people that seem to think that the joy of giving doesn't seem to be expected to apply to them.

Beleiver, of course we all feel sorry for children with absent dads. But I suspect part of problem is that Dads kids feel they are sharing their dad with your kids.

kkny.....I think there is a lot of truth to that. That is one reason that I have tried to communicate with SD30. I would not blame her for feeling that my kids have gotten something that she hasn't. I know that it would be difficult to go to the source of those feelings for her and that would be her father. My kids are not responsible for how her dad acted before he meet me. I am sorry for what she didn't have. I do know that her grandmother was a blessing to her. They are very close. I'm sorry if she is jealous. I don't know what to do to help her with that. Would you have any suggestions? Perhaps a letter to her some time after the holiday letting her know how proud he is of her or even an invitation to come and visit where she could just spend time with us without her husband and kids. I would be willing to do my best to ease any pain that she might have in that area.