Violent Husband

16 years ago

My husband has Multiple Sclerosis. It's advanced and he has memory/dementia issues also. He sees a psychiatrist and is taking Aricept and Namenda for the dementia. After waiting a year for FDA approval, he just started a new medication for MS. It's called Ampyra and is supposed to help with walking and fatigue. He's been on it about 2 weeks. I am his caregiver. This morning I laid out all his pills, he asked "Where is my Ampyra?" I said, you already took it, I said no you didn't, things escalated, he picked up the Ampyra bottle and thrw it across the room. The cap popped off and the pills scatterd. WE picked them up together but when I counted two pills are still missing. I threatened to call the police, telling him "You're crazy." I stormed out of the house and went for a walk. I returned to find him in the bedroom, sitting and watching TV. I've become generally frightened of him. He's never acted up about taking his medications before.

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Comments (7)

asolo
16 years ago
"I am his caregiver."

Part of the job is knowing when you're over your head. Not saying you are -- and I certainly don't know the totality of the situation -- but what you wrote sounds to me like you're closer to the edge than you may know. Single events seldom describe overall situations but I suggest you be wary of your husband and of your own abilities and composure. Thing that happened was not good.
falldowngobump
16 years ago
I agree with asolo. I would find out if there were any side effects to his medication that might cause a change in his mood. When we put my MIL on Aracept, within two weeks I noticed a very negative change in her. She became " verbally agressive" for lack of a better term to describe it. I immediately notified her Dr and took her in to see him. We added Nameda and within a few days, she was pretty much back to her ole sweet self. I know this isn't much help, but it's a place to start. I wish you much luck.
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First, does she have either medical documentation or calls to the police to back up the abuse? She should. 2nd: 4 & 5 year olds do not have the option of saying who'll they will live with(in my opinion) and that should not even come up as an option of something they can choose. They should be told that as young as they are, they have to stay with their mother. They need to know that you want them and will fight to keep them( they sound confused and need to know you won't abandon them to their father, no matter what he puts in their head). If they push, tell them that when they turn 10 yrs old, they can then go live with their father.Also, explain that hitting anyone is a bad thing and mommy was afraid. He may also turn to hitting them. Check into the legalities, make him only have supervised time with them(She should not have told him where she was going to stay). In the US, we have 'safe houses' where abused wifes and children can stay until they can get state aid to live on or to make the trail to them too cold for the husband to follow them. She needs to be real careful, he could steal them and disappear with them
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In the special needs community, we have an acronym that everyone knows: DID, which stands for Dads In Denial. Deep down inside, Mom knows there is something wrong with her child, but Dad refuses to admit it, refuses to even consider it. Sound like you've got a classic Dad In Denial. Cole sounds like a very deeply troubled young man, and he's chosen sexual ways of acting out, which spread the trauma throughout the rest of the family. Quite simply, that boy needs MAJOR help, and he needs to be separated from the younger children who are not able to adequately protect themselves. (Is it possible Cole was sexually abused? He's certainly acting out in ways that suggest something of the sort...) Not to minimize the trauma to your son -- but I suspect if it ends now and Cole moves out for a while and gets into treatment, that your son will be able to put it into perspective and move on in a healthy way. But if nothing chages? My goodness - What message will this send your kids? As a parent, you simply HAVE to protect them. You have to. They have to know that you, as a parent, will protect them from harm. If your marriage truly is a good one, I'd send all of the kids out for an evening and have a heart to heart with him. PREPARE your side in advance, because you need to say what you need to say, and having it organized and streamlined may be the only way to make sure it happens. Key points: -- Cole needs MAJOR help. He's been acting out for a long time, but his behavior has taken a turn toward sexually victimizing others. In a nutshell, he is acting like a young sexual predator. Cole needs help and as his parents, you and Dad NEED to see that he gets it - NOW. -- Being in the same house with an untreated Cole is dangerous for your children. Your son has already been damaged, at this point, probably not irreparably, but only because the problem was discovered. Now that you know about it, you, as a responsible parent, NEED to act on it. You cannot ask your son to live under the same roof with the brother who sexually abused him. -- You love your husband, your marriage and your family. After much soul-searching, you have come to the conclusion that to save your family, Cole and your children cannot live under the same roof. And because it would be unbearably cruel to 'abandon' Cole all over again, Dad should take him and move out while Cole starts treatment. You can have family dinners together and still be committed to your marriage and family -- but you need to protect your children. Without Dad's help, the family cannot survive. So either he supports the separation, or you need to pursue a divorce. Best of luck to you -- And please, stay strong for your children's sake.
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You say you've threatened to call the cops if they physically hurt their sister... it sounds like you may have to do more than threaten if it ever happens again. Physical abuse is a crime, and I don't think you have to be 18 to be accountable. There is a very clear line of what can and can't be condoned, talked through or otherwise worked out and physical abuse is over that line. The boys need to know very plainly and in no uncertain terms that if they hurt the girls or anyone else, they will be picked up by the cops. As for the other stuff (lying, refusing to do chores), well, obviously that's harder to deal with because it's more vague. But I think it's safe to say that in most human dealings, the best way to influence or improve somebody's behavior is to make it real unpleasant for them to continue what they're doing... to make it in their interest to change their behavior. And let them know the deal so there is no surprise or uncertainty so that if they choose to misbehave they have no one to blame for the repercussions they suffer but themselves. It may not prove a foolproof method, but I'd guess it's worth a try. Like for example: "Dude, you are NOT going to like what happens if I hear you call your sister a bad name again, because you're not going to like scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and vinegar at 5:00 in the morning. Your choice." Or: "yeah I know you don't really feel like doing the dishes. And I don't really feel like cooking you dinner or paying for your phone either. If you back out on your promises and contributions to the family, I guess others in the family have a right to back out on their promises and contributions to you. It's much better for all of us if we all pitch in and do things to help each other out. But again, your choice." You as the step-parent who isn't even living full-time with the step-kids REALLY don't have to do anything for them. Their mom obviously has to provide a basic decent level of care and make sure there's food in the house for them to eat, etc. But at their age she doesn't have to cook it! There are plenty of "extra" things you and she can leverage and refuse to do for them until they learn to behave decently, without running the risk of being negligent parents. In the meantime, though, do proceed with family counseling. Even though the boys' behavior desperately needs changing, it sounds like there are some genuine adjustment problems and anger issues that need to be addressed. Especially with the older boy, who sadly sounds like he has had a lot in his life to be angry about. He just can't be allowed to continue expressing it in the ways that he has been.
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117 years of? It almost sounds like punishment. I hope her childhood was a good one?! Or she's happy being alone. Having left her violent husband in 1938 shortly after the death in infancy of her only son, she lived alone, working in a factory producing jute sacks to support herself. She clung to her independence, only taking on a full-time carer last year, though she has not left her small two-room apartment for 20 years, and has been bed-bound for the last year. While her mind is alert, she is very deaf, speaks with difficulty and does not see well enough to watch television, spending her time instead either sleeping or snacking.
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jannie
Original Author
16 years ago
I'll phone the doctor who prescribed DH's medications. He takes Aricept and Namenda and recently added a new medication for MS called "Ampyra". He takes seven or eight different mediucations.I do think it might be the combination of everything.
falldowngobump
16 years ago
Jannie, Please keep us posted on your situation. Even though my MIL is doing so much better, she still has periods of intense confusion and withdraw. I can tell when we are hitting a bad patch because she begins to look at me with a "sly" eye, and gets "snippy" with me. I'm afraid her dementa is progressing and no one has any idea how things are going to turn out. I can handle the lack of mobility, the incontenence, the confusion, the mood swings and her inability to take care of her most personal needs without my assistance. But...as much as I love her, I cannot and will not handle violence from her. Caregiving is stressfull enough without throwing fear into the mix.
Years ago, I worked in a nursing home. I've seen seemingly sweet adorable (confused) little 'ole ladys haul off and kick, bite, swing their fists like a prize fighter, out of the blue, no rhyme or reason. Sometimes it's just a progression of the disease.
I really hope medication adjustments will help your situation, but I know the violence issue is in the back of your mind, as it is mine. Please do keep us posted and I'm thinking good thoughts your way.
vala55
16 years ago
I stopped my husband AZ meds because of the side effects, he had bleeding ulcers and because the pharmacist said all of the AZ meds are experimental, none have been proven to help. Be very careful, my sister's neighbor had AZ and he was the nicest most gentle man you could ever meet, until the AZ started. He knew he was going to die and he tried to take her with him. He had her on the floor choking her to death. She is very lucky to have survived.
dreamgarden
16 years ago
My FIL had Alzheimers. Here is a website that helped us deal with some of the issues he faced. www.elderrage.com/mission.htm

There are plenty of links that may be helpful.

Here is an excerpt from the author's book, Elder RageâorâTake My Father...Please! How to survive caring for aging parents
by Jacqueline Marcell

Eldercare / Alzheimerâs Speaker, Author, Radio Host, Caregiver Advocate

JACQUELINE'S ELDERCARE MISSION

"A few years ago, I was so compelled by the heart-wrenching experience of caring for my elderly parents (both with Alzheimerâs which was not properly diagnosed for over a year), I gave up my 15-year career as a television executive to become an advocate for eldercare awareness and reform. In the beginning, my once-adoring father turned verbally and physically abusive towards me, and I was heartbroken to have lost his love. But then it was so astonishing because every time I took him to a doctorâhe could act completely normal when he needed to. It was an unbelievable nightmare for over a year, as I endured my fatherâs wrath while fighting through an unsympathetic medical system, but with sheer determination I finally solved the endless crisisâmedically and behaviorally."
sushipup1
16 years ago
That's a terrific book, and I've recommended it to several of my care-giver clients. I got my copy used from Amazon, and have lent it out often. I see that a seller on Amazon has a used one for 99 cents, plus 3.99 shipping. Totally worth it!

Here is a link that might be useful: Elder Rage

Violent Husband

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asolo

falldowngobump

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jannie
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Violent Husband

Comments (7)

asolo

falldowngobump

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jannieOriginal Author

falldowngobump

vala55

dreamgarden

sushipup1

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jannie
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