When a marriage is in "trouble" and there is bickering and arguing going on between the parties, then there is still hope. The arguments occur because one or both parties still feel something for each other and want to fix what is wrong. It may not be the right way to go about it but the desire is still there. Many couples argue and fight and continue to stay connected. Perhaps it is their style but not a healthy one. The warning sign that your spouse is detaching and disengaging from you is when the arguments about your issues stop. When that happens it basically means that your spouse has given up. Men often times lack insight and think that just because their wife stopped beating the dead horse that everything is now fine and dandy. Not very bright women might think the same thing as well. When the spouse gives up and their personal problems which were the fuel for all the prior arguments do not resolve and never addressed in any sort of emotionally intelligent way then the marriage becomes at risk for divorce and/or infidelity. People who grew up in dysfunctional homes and that can mean anything from violence, emotional/physical abuse, yelling and screaming, unkindness, etc, do not learn the right way to treat themselves and others. They carry that baggage into all aspects of life later on including their marriages. They have been hurt by it and try to control their spouses in order to avoid further hurt. They do not trust and don't feeling deserving of it either. Men who grew up in homes where their father philandered feel that it is normal to cheat. Their family of root is their paradigm. Women who lost their fathers to affairs, can also repeat the cycle by tempting married men. Perhaps with the vindictive desire to get back at their fathers and destroy marriages. I think that as a result they feel damaged and dirty and feel everyone is the same as they are so why bother? Obviously, that is not a pleasant way to feel. Constantly on alert. Always measuring yourself from an outside ruler that is constantly changing. No internal mechanism upon which to judge. No wonder they cheat and argue and fight. Their emotions cause them to trip over their intelligence. Doomed to live an unhappy and defeated life! Actually, we are all at risk when we tie the knot. It is a crap shoot. You really have to know what you are getting into when you get married and being "in love" clowds our minds when we make our choices. That's just life.

I'd kick him out. I was cheated on before (while in a very serious relationship) and while I'm 'over it', I still have scars. It takes a very long time to get over and I'm not sure I could ever really trust the man anymore. Part of not cheating is being self-aware. Many people have no self-awareness. Meaning, they don't watch what they say with other people and they don't watch what they give to other people. If you're married, you HAVE to work HARD at keeping the emotional energy IN THE MARRIAGE. None of this complaining about your spouse to some other woman - that's marriage suicide. It almost always leads to an affair because suddenly there's this understanding ear that lets you gripe and pretend all of the problems in the marriage are your spouse's fault (all marriages go through rough patches - that's why I HATE the 'the marriage/relationship was in trouble' excuse for another person to feel justified in interloping). Anyway - that's why it's so important to be self-aware. You have to register in your mind when you're feeling upset, vulnerable, whatever - so you don't put yourself in situations that may tempt you to cheat. One poster above mentioned being in situations where even the best men would be hard-pressed NOT to cheat - I say that if you're really one of the best men, you'll do everything possible to stay OUT of those situations. Anyone swimming in shark-infested waters is bound to get bitten. Cheating isn't a mistake - it's a choice - no matter how a person attempts to rationalize it. It was a choice to 'make friends' with another person who isn't your spouse and give them emotional energy - to gripe with them and take their sympathy. It's a choice to put yourself in close situations with that person. It's a choice to feed your 'crush' for that person. It's a choice to then cheat with that person. None of that 'it just happened' tripe... it only 'just happens' if you magically trip and fall on her and on the way down, your pants magically unzip and ... well, you know the rest, lol. Infidelity is a choice, period. To me, that's a dealbreaker. I'd make certain that any man I married knew it upfront. I've been through it once - no way I'd tolerate it again. He'd be outta there - just as I would expect to be if I cheated (which I can say with 100% certainty that I NEVER would).

We can theorize all we want but until we walk in those shoes, none of us can never actually know what it is we will do. We might think we will know and be quite sure in how we would react for the long term, but nobody ever really knows what it is they will do when a true crisis hits. I agree with the poster that states "never say never". I believe that marriage surviving something like this depends upon so many factors the woman faces - including the cheater completely understanding and *accepting* every angle of every single feeling of hurt, betrayal and broken trust he/she has visited upon the person he is supposed to love. That is a long process for both to deal with and the toughest part of the reconciliation. None of us ever knows the various angles of hurt our actions leave with another nor the depth of the hurt, we only see it from our own perspective. If we are the one who has done the hurting, that perception tends to be surface rather than deep because that is the way human beings tend to be. If we are the one who has been hurt, then the resulting hurt seems to be as obvious to us as the nose on our face. The inability of the person who has hurt us to grasp all the angles and depth of the hurt can be part of the damage that has been done. I figure that if, after everybody has tried their best and time has passed and work has been done, if the offended person finds that he/she feels that what has transpired is simply unforgivable (and sometimes it simply is) then it's time to leave the relationship with as much grace as possible, knowing that no stone was left unturned - that leaves the future free and clear of unresolved issues from the past coming in to mess up future relationships.

Thanks daisy...for the reply....of all people to respond..it would be someone with a sn of Daisy....before my sister passed away...we talked about what signs I would have that she was there...and she told me to when I saw Daisies...her fav flower... I had to smile at your name just now.... I have thought a lot recently about my situation.....posting here must be cathartic.... My husband has changed a lot......maybe too much for it to be normal...healthwise...I cannot help but wonder if there is something chemically imbalanced at this point.... There is no phys. abuse....but his personality makes me feel emotionally abused...certainly he thinks he is making good financial decisions...I am fearful if he does not come to terms with my concerns...he could lose everything.... I am convinced as well, that a urologist is giving him wrong doses of testosterone treatment...maybe not enough...or too much...something is not right and I need to find out.... My situation of feeling overwhelmed by this issue is not getting any better...maybe it will take a wake up call for him to understand he needs to either get more opinions of the treatment or stop them altogether....I realized when this began...and is consistent with those treatments beginning....the dr told him it would help his overall feeling of wellbeing....what a joke Thanks again for responding....my post is a difficult one to read and know how to respond to it....so much desperation in it...but I remember what the good witch in the wizard of oz told dorothy..."you had the power to go home the whole time"