You better buckle your seat belts cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride. I'm glad overall that I took my MIL in but it certainly has taken a lot of adjusting. The best advice I can give you is set some boundries now, and be prepared to change them as time goes on. Give her ( if possible) her own living space separate for yours. We are lucky enough to have two bedrooms and a bath on one end of our home that we have converted into an "apartment" (she calls it that) for her. She has a bedroom and a sitting TV type room and it has her furniture from her home in it arranged the way she likes it.(usually messy) She can get up and watch tv at all hours of the night if she wants, talk on the phone or do whatever in her space. She has her own bathroom full her of her stuff.( older people seem to have a lot of lotions and ointments and such for some reason) I no longer allow her to cook because she set fire to the kitchen 3 times but she is allowed to use the micro ( with supervision--she has been known to punch in 15 minutes to warm a roll). At night I unplug this stuff because she does get up a lot. She isn't doing this stuff to be spitefull or naughty--she just has lost the ability to think and reason. You cannot be angry or upset because she truly cannot help what she has become. When she first moved in it was stressful because she loved her things and would often remove my pictures and pillows to replace with her stuff. It really bugged me. Now she has a place that she can have her things and I can still have mine. As far as food choices, she's been with us for two years now and seems to enjoy what I cook. If she has a craving for something special I'm always willing to fix it for her and let her help me do the prep if she can. The dementia, physical weakness and mobility have really limited her on what she can do. She likes to sometimes sit in the kitchen while I cook just to have some girl talk. (thats another story--Ive been having the same "girl talk" for two years now--she forgets what she tells me) There are gonna be days that you will be so frustrated that you cant breath and you want to go screaming in the woods. This will consume your life. Eventually everything you do will have to be planned around her. Think long and hard about taking this on. For us it started out that "MOM was a little ditsy and had to stay with us after Dad died. She certainly had more ability to care for herself then. Be fully prepared to deal with the situation if they start to loose those abilitys--chances are they will. I wish you a lot of luck with this. Let us know how it's going for you and remember this site is a great place to ask or vent or rant. BELIEVE ME--it has been my saving grace to have a place to go where people understand what it's like.

Harmar, here is ANOTHER opinion for you. As if parenting isn't hard enough when it's just the two of you, right? To then add a third voice chiming in without being present.... yes, these are the joys of step-families! I know what it's like. I am a big advocate of claiming OUR territory here at home if that makes any sense. We keep on having issues of the children's mother wanting to meddle in our home affairs. Sometimes, it does feel as if she tells my husband to jump and his reply will inevitably be, "how high?". I can't tell you the things we've had to do because of HER fears and all of her tears (which always seem to work on my husband; she cries? He gives in... you wonder where children learn that from). But back to the situation at hand; if it's a small thing, try not to sweat it, but if you have a third-party parenting in your house without being present, then forget about it, YOUR house is YOUR HOUSE. The children can trust you and their father enough to make judgment calls without living in fear of what their mother will say, right? They are probably old enough to get the fact that, if you guys really didn't have a clue to what is right and what is wrong, their mother wouldn't let them come over at all. It sounds like you are really operating in good faith and with the best of intentions. And if I can get that from just one post, your step-kids can trust that too, don't you think? I generally tend to agree with sweebyâÂÂs advice, but I stray a little bit from her opinion this time. Just like two parents have different parenting styles and one may allow certain things while the other doesnâÂÂt, same goes with two households. ItâÂÂs as if the children are bi-cultural and in actuality thatâÂÂs what theyâÂÂre learning. I think itâÂÂs impossible to have the same set of rules in two separate houses, especially when one of the parties will never be present. The big stuff certainly, but the rest, I am sure both households can âÂÂlet it rollâÂÂ. If I can offer you any advice, I think you and your husband should turn your energy away from the children's mother and keep it on the children (I am sure you are doing this already, I mean no offense; I just know that in my case, I had a woman living in my head whether she or I liked it or not!). We made a family statute (I remember reading about one somewhere and it worked wonders for us!) where we came up with rules together. One of the rules however was that Dad and I (or any adult in charge at home) have final say, not ANYBODY else. So if there are certain things like movies for example, where they donâÂÂt feel comfortable, they can put that down as their rule. But that way, it becomes THEIR rule and not that of the parent that isnâÂÂt there. Keep us posted (literally, ha ha)

Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.

I once had a very irate lady call our store chewing us out about the amount of smoke her new range made. Well, she had forgotten to remove the taped on bottle of oven cleaning cream that the manufacturer had supplied. So, I always ask if the cavity has been inspected well before being engaged in operation! So first make sure that you've removed all of the literature and supplies that came with the oven. That includes any tape and tape residue. Tape residue can produce some nasty smoke. Check your storage drawer or broiler drawer if that is how your range is configured. Then, make sure you've done the required burnoff that new ovens will need. That should be done before actually using it to cook with. It's a stinky process, but you have to heat the oven to 450° and keep it there for a couple of hours while any of the machine oil and grease burns off. You should be standing by to operate fans and open any windows while this process occurs. After you've done both of these things, run the self cleaning cycle (Make sure your racks are removed if they aren't also self cleanable. Most aren't.) Let your oven cool and wipe it out with soap and water.